Watch Me Crumble
"I've reached the end of my sanity. I want to hit the open road. I want to see places and do things that I know I'll always be too scared to do." With Jacob and Edward both gone from her life, how will Bella find her footing? Rated M. AU / ANGST.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners. The author of this story in no way profits from its use or distribution.
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[A.N]: This story is severely AU, and slightly OOC for Bella, but who really knows her character anyway?
This story is rated M for mature themes, including a suicide attempt, and some graphic situations. Also, the characters occasionally use foul language in order to get their point across. I personally don't speak this way, but they will. ;)
I have tried to explain what happened as basically as I could through the prologue which includes two emails from Alice and Bella. Bella has been keeping in touch with Alice since the Cullens left Forks. My story begins a year after Edward went to the Volturi. Oh, and Victoria found someone else to ass-scratch.
You must READ THE PROLOGUE or else you will be lost trying to read the story!
Summary Nutshell: Bella chose Jacob. Edward ended his own life out of despair. Jacob left Bella a few years later. She's coming undone.
Watch her crumble...
Disclaimer: Twilight and all its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended.
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PROLOGUE: Dear Alice
Alice,
I've reached the end of my sanity. I can't stand one more second in this place. Jacob is all I think about, and when I'm not thinking of him, I'm thinking of Edward, and I can't have that. I would give anything for things to be at least relatively normal again, even if it means high-tailing my sorry ass out of Forks forever. I want to hit the open road. I want to see places and do things that I know I'll always be too scared to do.
I still can't tell you how sorry I am for ranting about my life when I know you guys have it so much worse. I know I've said it a thousand times already, but I'll say it again - Edward, Esme, and Rosalie were a blessing to me when I needed them and I miss them just as terribly as I know you must. Sometimes I think about your family and I still have trouble envisioning it with three missing from the picture.
I regret deeply that I left Edward for Jacob and I only wish that there was something I could do to take back my past decisions. It pains me to say that Jacob Black is still the center of my universe. I mourn the fact that he left me every minute of every hour of every fucking day. But we can't help who we love, and I would be a hypocrite to say that I didn't do the exact same thing to Edward. Regardless of how many times you say it isn't my fault, I'll still feel responsible for the deaths of your mother and sister.
Please tell me everything that is going on there. I need to know everything. I know you must hate me, but I desperately miss you all.
Bella
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Bella,
For the final time, please do not dare blame yourself for what happened to Esme or Rosalie, or even Edward for that matter. Edward's life was his own responsibility and he could have easily ended it without making a scene by involving the Volturi. If anyone is to blame it should be me - after all, it was my vision that led me to drag the entire family to Volterra in a desperate attempt to save him - and look where that took poor Esme and Rosalie, who were only trying to protect him.
Yes, what happened was a tragedy, and not a day goes by that I do not regret every decision that was made that day, but I can't take it back now, and neither can you. You have no responsibility in the deaths of Edward or my mother and sister. You must stop talking about what you did to Edward and start thinking instead about what you did for him. Leaving him was done out of love. You believed that your heart was meant to belong to another, and so you acted according to your heart's will. As far as I can see, there is nothing to blame in such an act. You are completely innocent, and we still care deeply about you and your well-being.
I admit things have been strange and very distressful for all four of us since the incident. It hit us all hard, especially Carlisle. I've never seen him so depressed before, and it scares me more every day. He's stopped working altogether since we moved to Portland, and I can't help but think it's only making it worse for him without the distraction. He spends most of his time at this seminary out in the rural state, I guess to take his mind off of things. I've been seeing less and less of him, but he seems to prefer being alone these days.
Jasper and I are living together under his name as a newly married couple. We have our own little house at the end of town, and fortunately, very few neighbors and a forest as a backyard. I found a job at a small local cafe as a waitress just to save suspicions for where we get our money (the awful scent of the food masks the appetizing scent of the few people who do come in during the day). I've been spending less time around humans while taking care of Jasper, whose bloodlust has only grown worse since Esme's passing. She had always been inspirational for him in controlling himself around blood, and without her or Carlisle around to give him strength, it all falls on me to keep him in check.
Emmett, on the other hand, has been the greatest inspiration to us all. He's recently taken up a pre-law major at Portland State and from what I hear, is doing very well, both with his schooling and his bloodlust. Emmett has always been the most resilient out of all of us, and though I know losing Rose broke his heart, he has been able to put the past behind and move on in the most effective way he knows. He's a hard worker and knows how to pull himself up after a fall. He misses you a lot, and so do I.
I'd like to see you again, Bella. Someday, if you're not ready yet. I understand that you've been through arguably as much stress as we have, but believe me when I say it would be a welcome change of pace if you were to come out and stay with us for a while - maybe find a job or continue your classes at the university with Emmett. I know he'd love it if you came out here. We could all benefit from such an arrangement, so please consider it.
Think things over, and know that you're always welcome in our lives, no matter where we happen to be.
I love you and miss you always,
Alice
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Thanks for reading. I have the next chapter written already, and it's being checked by my beta, so expect an update soon. Oh and do review.