When It Rains
It was raining again.
He couldn't see it in the darkness but he could hear it-a steady, mocking tattoo that echoed in his eardrums the same way it echoed on the shacks roof. The storm had blossomed so unexpectedly that he'd been caught completely unaware, struck dumb by the first clap of thunder and flash of lightning.
Hands still wet from dirty sink water, he had fled from the kitchen in a pathetic display of cowardice that would have sickened him under any other circumstances. He was attempting a weak guise of delicacy, skirting around Gojyo in the living room with complaints of some ache or pain and a request to be let alone. He knew, however, that the other man would easily see through him- Gojyo never received enough credit for his observations-but he could still hope.
Hope that Gojyo would, for once, take the hint.
Hope that tonight, maybe, Gojyo would let things go.
He could see the doubt in his friends eyes as he watched him flee like a frightened animal, cigarette dangling from his lips as its smoke ringed his head like a halo. Gojyo didn't speak-his silence spoke volumes-but he thought he heard something like a sigh as the door to the bedroom closed.
Hakkai could feel a headache ensuing; a steady throbbing behind his eyes that he knew would linger for hours. Pressing his index finger and thumb against the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes, hoping it would all just go away.
It was on nights like this that he found himself walking on dangerous territory. Memories, ones that he wanted to forget, claws themselves to the surface with such ferocity it left him reeling. It was now that he could see her, hear her-the muffled sound of sobbed apologies and splatter of dark, hot blood on porcelain skin, still so clear after all this time. Like a broken record, it played over and over in his mind, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Sucking in a shaky breath, Hakkai leant back against the wall. He hadn't realized he'd been crying until he blinked again and felt the tears stinging his eyes. It was pathetic really-such a moment of weakness that he was almost ashamed.
Oh, how he hated it.
And yet, he deserved it. It was his penance.
Despite the profound respect Gojyo had for Hakkai's privacy, he couldn't help but wonder what was going on. It bothered him that there was nothing but a mere door separating him and knowing. A part of him, the majority of him, wanted to barge right on in and demand an explanation. The other part, the rapidly declining good part of his conscience, wanted to leave the man be and allow him to fend off the demons lurking in the deepest recesses of his mind. Though, with all the baggage Hakkai carried, it would take more than just one night. As much as Gojyo hated to see his friend in pain, he had to let him be alone.
By doing this, Hakkai might truly understand how much he values their friendship and his company. He knew damn well if he didn't find Hakkai, nearly a year ago, that he would be alone-aside from the occasional visit from one of the lesser females. And by 'lesser', he meant no where near as satisfying as Hakkai.
Even if it wasn't in a physical sense.
Gojyo gave another light sigh, cigarette smoke clouding his vision briefly before dispersing. His gaze had been fixated on the window, watching the heavy downpour outside. Every time a clap of thunder boomed across the skies, or a flash of lightning emerged behind the clouds, he knew Hakkai felt more pain.
Giving one final drag to his cigarette, the kappa ground it out in the cluttered ashtray. He was gradually losing to the not-so-better-side of him.
Before he had time to contemplate his decision further, and perhaps back out altogether, he stood from his lounge chair and slowly sauntered over to the adjacent side of his small home. Any sound behind the door was practically inaudible thanks to the rain banged noisily on the rooftop. Regardless, Gojyo knocked twice-loud enough to be heard amongst the constant ruckus. "Hey, Hakkai?"
There was a small part of Hakkai that knew somehow, that Gojyo wouldn't simply sit in the living room until he decided to venture out to join the other. In the year they had been together, there had been more than enough time to dig through each others secrets and rattle the skeletons in their respective closets. Hakkai had always been the one pulling back, stepping carefully around the questions and the desire for the truth that the redhead so obviously possessed. Oblivious-or tactfully ignorant-to his attempts at secrecy, Gojyo had crashed through as many of Hakkai's walls as he possible could, invading every aspect of his life in such a way that Hakkai couldn't help but marvel at.
But he had still ruined everything, and sometimes Hakkai hated him for it.
Gojyo's voice on the other side of the door startled him into reality. He hadn't heard the knock in the first place, and he feared that Gojyo would simply some in without waiting for an answer. Perhaps he could pretend to be asleep-but such an act was both childish and frivolous, as he knew that the other man knew that he was awake. Suddenly aware of his current state, Hakkai hastily wiped at his eyes and face. He had enough shame at his weakness in private; he didn't need it to become a mutant secret between them.
"Yes, Gojyo?" Hakkai said, just loud enough for the redhead to hear.
Gojyo noted the few seconds it took for Hakkai to respond. Right now, all he could do was assume that something was bothering him. Thought over the past year, Gojyo had become accustomed to the mood that the dreary weather put him in, and the very next day he was back to normal.
Like nothing ever happened.
And that really bothered him.
Gojyo didn't even rehearse what he would say upon getting Hakkai's attention. "You, uh..." Stumbling over his words hardly made it look like he'd planned on saying anything at all to begin with. "You wanna play cards, er...somethin'?"
Now, it was plainly obvious Gojyo wanted to help. Even though Hakkai wanted to handle his problems on his own, Gojyo didn't want him to have to.
But his most recent attempt to do just that was absolutely pathetic.
Any other time, chance at playing cards would have been a welcome invitation. He could find comfort in Gojyo's company, even if it was only for a little while. Dealing with the cigarette butts in the beer cans, the slurred and sometimes crude comments after having one too many, and those middy boots in the hallway wasn't exactly the most pleasant of experiences, but there was still some sort of solace in it. Despite his quirks, Gojyo had a way of carefully maneuvering him away from that treacherous ground, and Hakkai had to be at least a little thankful for it.
"Oh, no thank you.' Hakkai said quickly, realizing-again too late-that his pauses in conversation would seem too awkward, too unlike him. Another clap of thunder boomed across the skies and Hakkai flinched, without consciously knowing he had done so. "I-I've got a headache." He said lamely, his hands still clutched across his stomach. "I'm sorry."
There was evident strain in Hakkai's voice. It was clear he was trying to mask whatever depression, or pain, he felt in order to get Gojyo off his back. This was going to be that one time the redhead refused to play stupid and pretend he hadn't the foggiest of an idea as to what was going on. I'm not buyin' it, man."
The second the words left his lips, he instantly regretted them.
Because Gojyo knew he was right.
There was something more behind Hakkai's obvious discomfort. Despite Hakkai already having told him a million and one horrific stories about his past, Gojyo was convinced there was still a whole other chapter that he would never truly be able to understand.
He remembered finding the man on an empty dirt road-not his usual route home from a night cut short at the bar. Something told him to go in that direction.
It was raining.
Hakkai had been stabbed.
Many weeks later, when another storm wracked the small town, Hakkai complained of a stomachache. Particularly the area where he'd dressed the wound. As the rain came to a halt, so did Hakkai's pain.
Maybe physical, but most certainly not mental.
To this day, the demons of Hakkai's past still weighed heavily on his shoulders.
Gojyo hung his head, staring down at the carpet as he carefully contemplated his next choice of words. "It's your stomach again, isn't it?"
Hakkai was again thankful for the closed door between them and the privacy it offered. His eyes widened at Gojyo's words, shocked that he had seen through his guise so easily. He knew, faintly, that there had been some part of Gojyo that always suspected his waning moods-he could see it in the disapproving crease between the redheads eyes, the hint of a frown around a cigarette. It made him uncomfortable; though he had shared so much with Gojyo already, he had never intended it to go any further.
With a sigh, Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the ache return to his temples. He could have lied so easily, plastered on some sort of facade to save face and get Gojyo to return to his beer and cigarettes. But there really wasn't much use-he was too exhausted, too beaten down.
"Yes." he answered simply, glancing toward the door.
Picking his head up, Gojyo rested his hand on the doorknob, but not turning it. "It okay for me to come in?"
Even if Hakkai said yes, what could he possibly do to make the man feel any better? No amount of consolation would provide a remotely decent amount of comfort to help ease his pain.
He wanted to help.
He wanted to do whatever he possibly could.
What else was he supposed to say? He'd retreated to the quiet privacy of the bedroom to stay away from Gojyo, but it wasn't as if he could keep him from his own room for the entire night. Even without the assistance of the moon, Hakkai knew that it was getting late. The rain was still drumming on the roof top, but the worst of the storm had passed.
Hakkai pushed himself up from his place on the bed, wiping at his eyes one last time. He replaced his monocle, straightened his clothing, and turned on the bedside lamp as quickly as possible in the hopes of achieving some sense of normalcy. Resuming his position on the bed, Hakkai let out another sigh. He wasn't in the mood for some sort of interrogation tonight, but it wasn't right of him to simply lock the redhead out, either. "Go ahead." He said.
Naturally, it wouldn't be Hakkai's place to tell him whether or not he had permission to enter a room in his own house. But regardless of that, Gojyo wouldn't abuse Hakkai's rights to privacy.
He didn't want to lose him as a roommate.
Especially if Hakkai would end up with Sanzo and Goku.
Gojyo turned the doorknob and cautiously pushed it open, not knowing what to expect. Of course, he was prepared for the worst, because he'd already seen Hakkai at his very worst.
But upon stepping inside, Hakkai had evidently made an effort to conceal any evidence of anguish. He looked somewhat at peace, but he knew it was a facade to convince Gojyo that it was merely a stomachache and as soon as the storm receded, he would be back to his normal happy-go-lucky self.
First rules of business-do anything possible to distract Hakkai from the commotion outside.
Gojyo accomplished this by walking over to the window and shutting the drapes.
Was Hakkai purposely trying to torment himself?
"Think the storms lettin' up, if that helps with anything..." Gojyo told him, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
Hakkai watched him somewhat warily, feeling even more uncomfortable now that Gojyo was in the room. He could hide and make excuses all he wanted to as long as there was some sort of barrier between them, but having Gojyo sitting next to him was something completely different. He was an accomplished liar, but then again, so was Gojyo.
He kept his gaze locked on the window even after Gojyo had closed the drapes, feeling the bed dip with the additional weight. He knew that the gesture was made only for his benefit and that he should have thanked him for it, but the words simply wouldn't come. He didn't deserve such kindness, especially not from Gojyo.
Hakkai nodded absently, making a quiet hum of agreement. He was still looking to the window, but he could feel Gojyo's gaze locked on him. "Yes," Hakkai said distantly. "I suppose it does."
The moment wasn't going exactly as Gojyo had pictured in the beginning. He'd expected Hakkai to make yet another lame excuse, like he was 'going to bed' or going to get ready to do so. "Here," Gojyo spoke, after almost a full minute of silence lingered between them. His hands were soon found at the hem of Hakkai's pale yellow sweater after scooting closer, offering the brunette a brief determined glance.
The silence that lingered between them wasn't exactly uncomfortable-Hakkai had never been an avid talker, and Gojyo had slowly adapted to that-but having the redhead stare at him certainly was. He was accustomed to Gojyo's lack of personal boundaries, but enduring his scrutiny in such an obvious manner was much different. They were so used to doing things in an offhand way that finally coming face-to-face with such a subject was, quite honestly, unexpected.
Hakkai did finally look at him when he felt fingers tangle in the hem of his sweater. He tried to pull away; extract himself from the situation before it spiraled out of his control. "W-What are you doing, Gojyo?"
Gojyo quirked an eyebrow when the man insisted on moving away from him. Instead of just allowing Hakkai to escape arms length, Gojyo's left hand trailed down to his hip, thumb hooking in one of the belt loops of his jeans. His right hand nudged Hakkai's sweater up a few inches, exposing the bulging, leathery scar across his abdomen. Gojyo's eyes remained downcast, not really wanting to meet Hakkai's gaze. Right now, he could only imagine the expression plastered on his already bewildered face.
He should have stopped it.
As soon as Gojyo hooked a thumb in the loop of his jeans, Hakkai knew that they were once again moving toward dangerous territory. He didn't want to be this close to Gojyo; he didn't need to be. When he felt his sweater rising, he tried to jerk away, pushing his hands lightly against the redheads chest.
"Stop." Hakkai said, voice just barely above a whisper. "Please...just stop."
The better half of Gojyo was slowly bubbling to the surface, but the need and want to help Hakkai was the driving force that encouraged him to continue. This time, Gojyo tipped his head up, red iris' met with green, and a confused expression met with a calm one.
Gojyo knew he was trekking into dangerous territory.
He knew that what he was doing had the potential of ruining their friendship, or at the very least, permanently scar it. "You..." A pause. The hands on his chest weren't forcing him away, but keeping him away at arms length. "Want me to stop?"
Hakkai couldn't bring himself to hold Gojyo's gaze for very long, fearing that he would somehow hint at the mess of emotions he was currently enduring. There was a part of Hakkai that wanted to pull Gojyo closer, finally let him in and give him the same level of trust that Gojyo provided. But pushing him away, as he was doing now, was so much easier. He could keep himself distant, his walls up and secrets carefully guarded from Gojyo's insistent prodding. He could stop this long before it started, and save them both a lot of pain.
He couldn't bear the gentle curiosity in his voice, the uncommonly patient twist to his words. Couldn't he understand that Hakkai was undeserving of this sort of thing?
"Yes." He said quietly, glancing up at him for a brief moment and dropping his hands from Gojyo's chest. "Please."
Hakkai's response was hardly convincing.
Gojyo locked eyes with the hanyou once more, catching a faint look of want. That was just the signal he needed to pursue with what he'd first intended. It was when Hakkai's hands fell from his chest that Gojyo took the initiative to make the next move. Though, it was Hakkai's choice to keep it going or to halt it.
The redhead tugged on the loop of Hakkai's jeans, successfully pulling him an inch or so closer. His unoccupied hand reached up, brushing a few stray locks of brown hair from Hakkai's sad emerald eyes before leaning forward and catching said males lips in a light kiss.
"Gojyo, please don't-," The words were barely out of his mouth before Gojyo's lips were on his. The kiss caught him off-guard-it was unexpected and so unlike anything he could have imagined that at first, he wasn't quite sure how to react.
He didn't want this.
Or at least, that's what he was telling himself.
Raising his hands once more to Gojyo's chest, Hakkai pushed him away, effectively freeing himself from the kiss and Gojyo's grip.
Gojyo hadn't quite anticipated Hakkai would react in that way. He was halfway tempted to just disregard what Hakkai said and attempt to kiss him again. But right now, he already felt like a complete and utter shithead for even trying in the first place. If things weren't awkward before, they sure as hell were now.
The half breed pulled back, not being able to muster up enough courage to look the other in the eyes. "Yeah, sorry man..." He stood, rubbing the back of his head and glanced toward the door. "I'll just-ah...go." He couldn't find the right words, but he knew he needed to leave.
As soonn as he pushed Gojyo away, he regretted it. The kiss may have been unexpected and not exactly what he wanted, but it didn't give him reason to act in such a way. There were reasons he couldn't let Gojyo in, and they weren't solely based on their friendship and the fact that this relationship could potentially ruin it. Hakkai refused to lose someone else to his own foolish mistakes like he'd lost Kanan, especially someone who simply didn't deserve it.
When Gojyo stood, Hakkai allowed himself a brief moment of panic. The redhead couldn't /leave/-though not quite so obvious, Hakkai depended on Gojyo to keep him sane, and he needed him. Reaching out, Hakkai looped a hand around Gojyo's wrist for a brief moment before he'd realized what he had done.
"I'm sorry." He said quickly, his chest tightening with growing panic. "You...you don't have to go. Really. I'm sorry."
Gojyo kept his gaze fixated on the entryway, an almost overwhelming sensation crawling up his spine when Hakkai took hold of his wrist. He desperately wanted to just say he would stay-stay with him. He had a vision of how this night would play out, and no amount of redemption on Hakkai's part would make it any better. "I'm sorry, too." He stopped to turn around, leaning down and kissing Hakkai's head.
God damn he wanted to stay.
The brief, almost overpowering scent of Hakkai's shampoo made him all the more hesitant to leave. The little things about the man drove him nearly insane with desire.
Once Gojyo pulled back, he easily slipped from Hakkai's grip.
Before he had an opportunity to change his mind, the kappa retreated out of the bedroom, then out of his home altogether.
The past four days had been little short of torture.
There was little comfort in an empty home-personal experience had taught him that well enough-and this was no different. In the months he had been living with Gojyo, the redheads absences had been few and far between; a night here and there to be spent at the bars so they could afford groceries or rent, a day of solitude spent somewhere even Hakkai didn't know of. They had never lasted this long, and the brunette found himself at a loss without Gojyo's near-constant company.
Alone in the tiny home, Hakkai was given plenty of time to think. Gojyo dominated his thoughts more often than not; at first, Hakkai had merely reasoned that it was to be blamed on the fact that Gojyo was everywhere in the house. His beer cans and cigarette butts still littered the counter-tops and end tables like some sort of shrine simply because Hakkai couldn't bring himself to throw them away, and his spare pair of boots stood by the door. Hakkai left them as they were, just in case.
Just in case, he thought, Gojyo doesn't come back.
It had rained the past few days as well, coming and going in random spurts that came with little warning. The weather had done little to improve his situation, and it didn't take very long at all for Hakkai to come to the realization that he had so desperately wanted to avoid.
He needed Gojyo, so much so that it very nearly hurt.
As if on cue, the front door swung open, and it only could have been one person. Gojyo knew very well that it had been four days. He felt four days was a sufficient amount of time for both of them to get their heads on straight.
Gojyo kicked off his muddy boots, looking around at the living room. Nothing had changed. Not even the position in which he left his last cigarette. Knowing Hakkai, he probably could have found something to keep him occupied. But being as how the home was still dirty (and the man typically cleaned as a first-and last resort), Gojyo could only assume Hakkai's thoughts were preoccupied.
Though the living room was still a mess, Hakkai drew the line at having a dirty kitchen. After wandering around the house-which truthfully didn't hold much interest after the second round-for the first two days of Gojyo's absence, Hakkai had occupied himself in the only way he knew how. He'd stripped the cupboards bare; pulled plates and bowls and mugs from even the highest shelves and scrubbed each until they shone. The baseboards had been carefully cleaned, and every utensil they owned had been soaked and rinsed until Hakkai's hands were rubbed raw from scalding water and harsh soap. It was little more than a distraction, even he knew this, but it was something.
Hakkai jumped when the door swung open, nearly losing his grip on the thick glass he was balancing on a shelf. He knew it had to be Gojyo-he would have heard Goku from a mile away and Sanzo always announced his visits with gunfire and cigarette smoke-and his stomach twisted uncomfortably. While he had done his fair share of thinking over the past few days, he couldn't be sure that Gojyo had done the same.
Gojyo knew he'd be lying if he tried to convince himself that he didn't miss Hakkai. He did. He really did. So much so that he considered coming home mere hours after the initial argument. But, he didn't know what made him think that Hakkai would have thought any different on the whole subject if he'd already made it perfectly clear.
Right now, what Gojyo could use was a good smoke-to help clear his head of all the clutter currently occupying the space. These past few days he'd been mooching off Sanzo's seemingly endless supply of cigarettes. He smoked just as much, if not more. It was the only stress reliever available to him at the temple. Alcohol was strictly prohibited on the grounds, thus keeping Gojyo only mildly satisfied.
But even when he was smoking,
Or having a back and forth with Sanzo,
Or arguing with Goku,
Hakkai remained fresh on his mind since the second he walked out the door, until right now.
Gojyo was doubting any sort of courage he thought he had, not being able to find the will to confront the brunette.
Now that he was home, he didn't know what to do.
It was obvious to Hakkai that Gojyo wasn't planning on confronting him-the awkward manner in which they both stood in different rooms without speaking gave him proof of that. Gojyo had crossed his mind countless times during the past few days, but now that they were able to come face-to-face, he was at a complete loss. Any possible beginning to a conversation faded from his mind long before he even had a chance to contemplate them.
Pushing the glass gradually back on the shelf, Hakkai dried his hands and folded the towel neatly. /Something/ needed to be done, even if it wasn't exactly tactful. He crossed the kitchen and entered the living room, plastering on an artificial smile.
"Oh, hello, Gojyo." He said, just a tad awkwardly. He knew there was little point in acting so casual and polite, but it had and always would be his go to answer for everything.
The redhead was taken completely aback by the politeness in Hakkai's tone. He stopped looking awkwardly around the room, deciding not to make the situation any worse by refusing to meet the others gaze. "Hey." Came his simple reply, slipping his hands into his jacket pockets.
Not only had Gojyo missed Hakkai, he quickly got tired of seeing Sanzo and Goku together. It was something he didn't care to see, and it was something that positively irked him. Sanzo acted like a completely different person when he was around just Goku, compared to the arrogant composure he withheld when amongst the entire group.
Gojyo found himself on that same wavelength.
He thought things that he never would have thought before.
He would do things that he normally wouldn't do.
Anything if it meant being with Hakkai.
Hakkai dropped his gaze, focusing instead on a stain on the floor that would need scrubbing later. He had never found too much trouble in providing Gojyo with some explanation about certain aspects of his life-or at least those he wanted to share-but this incident was a completely different story. Gojyo deserved to know the meaning behind his actions more than anyone, and yet Hakkai found it incredibly difficult to even begin to do so. How could you possibly begin to tell someone that you found it so easy and difficult to care for them?
Hakkai sighed heavily. If only this had never happened-they had been perfectly happy living in ignorance, unaware of the lines they were skirting or stepping over all together. The brunette was more than willing to take it all back if he were able to, just so they could make it back to their shared sense at normalcy.
But Gojyo deserved /something/, and no matter how difficult it was, Hakkai was going to give it to him.
"Gojyo...I-I think that you deserve-," Flustered again, Hakkai stopped and shook his head. Why was this so hard? "I...just-I'm sorry."
A brief flash of confusion flickered across Gojyo's face, thinking he should have been the first one to apologize. Without Gojyo making a move on him while he was most vulnerable, Hakkai wouldn't have needed to say what he did. "Hakkai-no," He sighed. "I'm the one who is sorry."
Gojyo hadn't wanted to show his face (even if it was in his own home) for the past several days because he didn't think he could handle the embarrassment that would have undoubtedly come with doing so. "I shouldn't of...ya know."
Gojyo didn't care to repeat it, or think about it for that matter.
Nor did he think Hakkai wanted to recall the memory.
He didn't want to hear Gojyo's apology-as far as he was concerned, the redhead had done very little wrong. It had been his fault that things had gone the way they had; it was his own foolish doing that had upset things and caused Gojyo to leave. If anyone was to blame, it was himself.
"No, no." His head was a cluttered mess; he couldn't make sense of anything and it drove him crazy. He was usually the one with all the answers, except this time. "Please don't apologize. It's my fault, not yours."
This whole conversation was extremely foreign-to the both of them. They very thought of a skirmish between the two was absurd. They were complete opposites, much like Sanzo and Goku, which Gojyo supposed is why they got along so well. He didn't like hearing Hakkai apologize, mainly because he never thought they would reach a point in their friendship where one was necessary.
Gojyo resisted the urge to take a step forward. The boundaries between them were much higher now, and Gojyo had to respect Hakkai's personal space. He wished he had that mind set when he first decided to help Hakkai forget all about Kanan.
He'd only made the situation worse.
The only thing that helped him get by these past few days was knowing that, in a way, he succeeded.
Hakkai wasn't and hadn't been thinking about her.
Gojyo hadn't any idea why he assumed Hakkai would be his by the end of the night. It was true that his over-inflated ego could get him into quite a predicament, but most of the time it worked out for the better. When Gojyo wanted something, he went after it.
It was evident what he wanted.
But those feelings were not returned.
Hakkai's words reassured him of that, and would forever be burned in his brain.
"Stop, please, just stop..."
"You want me to stop?"
"Yes...please."
Gojyo visibly cringed, hands balling up into fists, teetering on the edge of losing it right then and there. Hakkai was not to blame, and the other was failing to recognize that. Even if Gojyo managed, by some miracle, to convince the man that he was not responsible, Hakkai would refuse to accept it. "Hakkai," his tone radiated annoyance and he had to do his very best to control himself.
He would never hurt Hakkai again.
He'd rather take his own life.
Hakkai was a kind, caring, honest, and brilliant man, and Gojyo was able to reduce him to a pile of hopelessness. By leaving, he did that. But would it really have gotten any better if he had stayed? Would he have been able to compensate for his senseless actions? "It's not your fault. It was mine. I know that. You did what you had to, to avoid something you didn't want. I'd have to be stupid not to understand." The redheads eyes showed nothing but sincerity. He truly meant that. "It won't happen again."
And he meant that too.
He doubted Hakkai would be singing a different tune anytime in the near (or distant) future.
Hakkai had never imagined that their relationship would reach this point-it had always been so easy, the one thing in his life that he could readily depend on now. He had been comfortable around Gojyo from the very beginning, and this state of awkward and forced interaction was completely new to him. All he wanted to do was apologize and set things right, but Gojyo didn't want to listen.
He needed to explain himself. Obviously simple apologies weren't doing anything, but he hadn't expected them to. Gojyo had always been painfully stubborn, and Hakkai had always found it somewhat difficult to explain things in a way that wouldn't seem too patronizing. He wanted Gojyo to understand his reasons behind his actions, not view them as mere excuses.
If he was being completely honest with himself, his own attachment to Gojyo was more than simply platonic. He had grown accustomed to his presence, his habits and mannerisms, and they had all become almost endearing. Had he been braver, and less frightened of what would happen if he made the first move, perhaps this wouldn't be happening.
"Hakkai."
The brunette did his best not to flinch at Gojyo's tone. They'd never been angry at each other, not seriously, and it frightened him. What if there was no way of fixing things?
He let him speak, growing more and more frustrated with every word.
"You're wrong." The words were out of his mouth so quickly it shocked even him. It was time, however, for him to say something. "It wasn't that I didn't want it-please understand that, Gojyo. I know it seemed that way, and I regret that more than anything. It's just..." He paused, running a hand through his hair as he tried to get his words straight. "It's just...difficult for me to allow myself to care for someone, or even begin to, after what happened with Kanan."
He couldn't look at him, afraid that when he did, he'd see more anger and disgust.
"I can't bring myself to do it, for selfish reasons. I'm so afraid of losing that person, because I know that I can't go through it again. I'm just...not strong enough."
With a sigh, he finally looked at him. "Which is why I pushed you away. Not because I don't care, but because it's too hard /not/ to. And I'm so, so sorry for that. Really."
Gojyo hated to admit that what Hakkai was saying made perfect sense. He was too stubborn to consider all the facts. Instead, he jumped straight to conclusions without giving the man a chance to explain. Now, he felt utterly stupid.
A sigh slipped from his lips. "Don't gotta be afraid of losin' me. I've been on my own since I was a kid and handled myself just fine. That ain't gonna change 'cause I have ya. That's only gonna encourage me to work harder-to protect both myself and you." As he spoke, he found himself inching closer to the brunette, and sooner than he knew it, Hakkai was in his arms, not fighting the embrace.
Gojyo tipped his head down, resting his lips on Hakkai's left temple, arms tensing as the hug was returned. "Can't go through your life convinced you aren't capable of caring for someone else."
Feeling Hakkai's warm breath on his neck-it was enough to drive him crazy. Feeling him so close was going to make him lose it.
This time, Gojyo wasn't going to let him go.
Hakkai pulled his head back, a slight blush tinting his cheeks. Gojyo offered a smile before leaning down and closing the gap between their lips. Nothing in the world could possibly feel better than this.
He would not trade it for anything.
When it was broken, Gojyo did not relinquish his hold, instead, propping his chin on Hakkai's head. "So...you wanna play cards or somethin'?"
The End
Author's Notes: This is something that took my best friend and I about two weeks to complete. It is 25 written notebook pages long, and 11 typed pages. We have several other stories currently in the works, but only one is complete. I am hoping to get those up as soon as I possibly can.