Off: I originally wrote this story in Portuguese, but I'm trying to adapt it in English, because I saw lots of people that viewed it were from other countries.
April 23 ended with no fatalities. When I remember that time until today makes a strange energy go through my spine. I wish I could communicate with myself from the future and ask if anything has changed for him, if everyone was happy that way, without Naho.
Our lives were spinning around Kakeru since the day we received letters from ourselves asking for help to avoid the regrets that they kept when they were unable to prevent the suicide of our newest friend. That "self" was married with Naho and raised a family. Our son, Kakeru, will never be born now. Of course, this was a very small sensation compared to the joy of being able to save my friend.
But time passed. In the first weeks after the date of the letters, it was like we have won a Championship. We used to spend all the time together and we were sure we'd be eternally happy. We were indeed.
School seemed to have lessened the pressure over us and so did those high school little problems that affected us.
All of us, without exception, were straining to move together, to laugh and constant support each other. However, this euphoria was rising constant doubt: without the letters, there was no predicting about what would go wrong in our lives.
Naho was very shy and sometimes didn't know what to do as Kakeru's girlfriend. Still, she always struggled and tried to base her action on the advice of her older "self".
Azusa came to admit that she missed the letters, because she would like to know about her love life. Apparently, she thought Hagita-san could be with her ten years later and began to treat him with more affection (if the swearing jokes could be described that way).
Hagita was the only one who said the truth: "Looks like we're a little lost without the letters. Don't forget that we used to survive without them ... "
His statement was an object of jokes, but I could see the expression of surprise in each other's faces at that moment. I knew that in fact the entire group thought the same thing: "and now?"
I just couldn't be more aware than Chino. She gave me a sharp gaze and continued doing that until I turned the face trying to disguise my feelings while asking for a milkshake. Even so, I felt her gaze on me and then I realized that part of me that wasn't feeling like a fairy tale character as the rest of the group. I felt a strange weight in my chest. How could I feel unhappy now that I have completed all the steps to avoid a tragedy and the misery of the girl I love?
Deep down, I knew I wasn't as mature as the man ten years ahead. After we saved Kakeru, I told him it was okay if he asked me for advice about Naho. It was an extremely dumb idea, because little by little I started to get details about their relationship and that made me feel jealous.
Yes. I'm an asshole. But I couldn't help myself. I could smile back, truly support them, cheer for the couple and leave them alone, but I also knew that part of me that gets upset about this and I'm not being entirely truthful.
When we had the letters, I felt as if my own mind talked to me and gave me all the support I needed. I was sure I would be happy ten years in the future if I followed the steps in the letter… I even had already judged it was the best for us all. But now it was over. No letters, no advice. I was left with the certainty that I should support Naho and Kakeru to avoid another fateful day, to avoid regrets...
Gradually, the jealousy was regressing. I was trying to be separated from them, but I was still connected as an older brother. As much as I smiled and wanted to convince myself that I was happy for real, Chino always cast one of those looks as if she could read me completely. In those moments my smile disappeared and I realized how much it was affecting me.
"Why isn't their happiness filling my heart?", I thought.
I felt very guilty because during our missions, I truly was committed and happy just to see him alive and see her smiling. The more the days passed and Kakeru looked like he was overcoming depression, more I seemed selfish, as if my mind again allowed me to be jealous of a friend who is no longer at risk. It is difficult to write until today, but there was a moment in which everything became decisive.