Just a little moment inspired from one of my previous chapters in my current story... so nice and a little sad;
The song lyrics are from 'Could Have Been' sung by Mandy Moore
The Princess Diaries doesn't belong to me!
"Could have been so beautiful
Could have been so right
Could have been my lover
Every day of my life
Could have been so beautiful
Could have been so right
I'll never hold what could've been
On a cold and lonely night"
Darkness, as well as snow and the temperature, was rapidly falling on the Winter Palace on a crisp January evening, weather forecasters having predicted yet another freezing night in Genovia, but none of this bothered the occupants within the palace walls
The palace staff- housekeeper, maids, footmen, ushers, kitchen and laundry staff- were finishing their duties and tasks for the evening, knowing that both Queens were occupied in their respective suites and probably wouldn't emerge until the following morning but, if they did, their ladies maid would attend to any requests they did have.
The security team, meanwhile, was still as busy as ever as the rest of the palace began to wind down- not only did they have one last patrol of the palace ground (even though there was no one outside, the fact was that the palace was still somewhat isolated from the rest of society and security didn't want to take any chances) to do, there were two teams of three men each on night shift who either spent the evening patrolling the halls or staying in the security room and watched the television screens that were connected to cameras that were installed all over the palace (excluding the two royal suites) while planning for the following day.
Everyone agreed that Scott, who had been the royal family's Head of Security for six months, was doing an excellent job, although there were times when he, still a little unsure of his new position, consulted the former Head of Security, Joseph, who was now married to the former Queen of Genovia, Clarisse, and had been for six months.
While their impromptu marriage had seemingly surprised the country (the press had only recently stopped reiterating the news in the papers- everyone had finally begun to accep the marriage)- althoug there had been a few who had suspected a relationship between the then Queen and her bodyguard (although they hadn't acted on their feelings due to the respect that King Rupert, may he rest in peace, had commanded and the fact that the young Princess had yet to ascend the throne)- but the entire palace had known... the looks, the secret dances, the way he had always been at her side whenever she needed him, protective and fierce to everyone except her, the occasional glimpses of something more in the Queen's eyes or expression whenever she looked at him (and vice versa) and the private moments in between...
The Queen and Joseph had thought they had been clever, keeping their relationship private, but the staff had seen more than they could speak of- not that they ever would, out of respect for the Queen and fear of Joseph's wrath if they did.
All of them had hoped that they would eventually be together- they both deserved happiness and it was obvious that they got that from each other- and while there had been a brief moment during the lead up to the then Princess's wedding where it seemed as if Joe and Clarisse wouldn't be together, happily the situation had been remedied at the wedding and they had been man and wife for six months... But how close it could have been...
While the palace staff prepared for bed and the security team on duty prepared for a long night (although they were used to it), none of the occupants of either royal suite were ready to retire yet, with both Queens and their partners engaged in two different activities...
Young Queen Amelia (or Mia, as she preferred to be known) and her boyfriend (soon to be, officially, her fiance, she thought with a sly smile as she watched him put away the DVD they had been watching and reached for the next) were watching movies in their suite with both 'normal' and pear flavoured popcorn as their snack of choice and thoroughly enjoying themselves.
Meanwhile, down the hall, Her Majesty and her husband were reading quietly on the sofa in front of the fire in their suite, Joseph sitting up while Clarisse was stretched out lengthways, her head in his lap as she lay on her side, a book in her hands while Joseph held a book in one hand, setting it down beside him whenever he needed to turn the page as his other hand was busy stroking her hair.
It was quiet, compared to Mia's suite, but it was comfortable silence that enveloped the suite and they were both content and relaxed but, as absorbed as they were in their respective books, they were well aware of each other's presence. Joseph especially couldn't believe that he was sitting in Clarisse's suite with her, her head in his lap, runing his fingers through her hair, touching her...
"Comfortable?" he inquired as he noticed her shift slightly and she chuckled as she rolled onto her back and gazed up at him with an affectionate look. She couldn't believe that he was finally allowed to be with her and that she was FINALLY allowed to show the world how much she loved him, or would do when she allowed herself to let the wall down.
"Very, very much so... but you will let me know if you want me to move, won't you?"
"I will, but you're fine there now."
"Mmm," she hummed as she moved to drop her book onto the rug before returning to her original position and gazing into the fire. "It'snice to have someone here on a night like this."
"It is," he agreed. "And it's wonderful to be sitting in front of the fire with the one I love," he added softly, so softly that he hoped that Clarisse hadn't heard him, but she then turned to smile lovingly at him.
"That's an even lovelier thought... especially when it's with you," she reached up and touched his cheek with gentle fingers before he pulled her hand away and tenderly touched each finger with his lips.
"So... are you happy?" he teased after a moment- they had had so many serious moments in the past, so many times fraught with tension, angst, sadness and loneliness, that they had made a pact to not think about (or even discuss) those moments- they were together and that was all that mattered.
"I am- so incredibly, blissfully, butterfly inducing happy that I can't possibly describe it."
"I think you just did," he said with a smile and she blushed a little before she looked up at him with eyes fully of mischief and curiosity.
"What about you? Are you happy? I know all of this..." she waved around the room- while her tastes were simple and her preference was that her suite and surroundings be relatively modest and understated (although there were some fine paintings on the walls and antiques scattered around the room), it was clear that her rooms belonged to a Queen (or former Queen, she thought to herself with a smile) and were very different to Joseph's former quarters.
"...may seem a little overwhelming to you..." and although her expression was serious, her eyes were sparkling- he had been in these rooms so many times (and the downstairs rooms were even more opulant) that he wasn't at all fazed by them. "...and very different to what you're used to... but I hope that, in some way, you are happy..."
"Indeed," he replied in an equally serious tone. "These rooms are far too simple for my tastes... however, my surroundings don't matter to me... all that matters to me is being with you..." before he bent down and kissed her.
"That's another lovely reason for having someone you love in your suite with you," she said with a dreamy smile before she rolled back onto her side, a little embarrassed about talking about her feelings, even with her husband, one of her hands rubbing his knees while he gently and slowly ran a hand down her side, both of them enjoying the intimate gestures and sensations deriving from them.
It was a couple of minutes later when Joseph stopped his movements and decided to broach a subject that had been on his mind for a long time- since their wedding and even before then... even when he had first met her...
"Clarisse?"
"Mmmm?"
"May I ask you something?"
"Of course. Anything," she hummed, feeling as though she was drifting off to sleep- she was so comfortable, so warm and so happy...
"I was wondering... I know you got the boys out of your marriage to Rupert..."
"And not much else," she murmured under her breath, suddenly wide awake again.
"We both know that," he said, his mind taking a quick journey back into the past to the times when she had been in tears over something Rupert had done or when they had barely spoken to each other before, as they stepped into a room together, they immediately switched themselves into their public act, whereby they seemed to be completely devoted to each other. Joseph, however, knew the truth and knew that Clarisse disliked having to pretend she was madly in love wth Rupert.
"...Anyway, we both know you lived with a lot of pain in your life... have you ever had a moment when you wondered... wondered what could have happened if you and I had met long before Rupert came into the picture, your parents made a decision to marry you off or you had gone to finishing school, and we had gotten married?"
There was a long, long silence after he had uttered the words, and neither of them moved as they weight and significance of his words added tension to the air, but before Joseph,now sensing he probably shouldn't have asked the question at all (the past was the past, and what if scenarios couldn't change that at all) could say anythin, she pulled away and sat up, her posture stiff as she continued to gaze into the fire.
"Oh..." she said finally. "Any interesting question, an interesting question indeed... Yes, I have had moments where I wished... I considered... us... but I never really allowed myself to travel very far down that road..."
"Why not?" he asked before he could stop himself.
"I knew that, if I did, I would get too far down the road and would become thoroughly depressed."
"Oh," he said abruptly, very hurt at her abrupt response and wondering why he had even said anything at all before Clarisse looked at him and, quickly realizing that he misinterpreted her words, immediately moved closer to him and rested a timid hand on his shoulder.
"Oh no, no, no... I could NEVER be depressed with you or our life... I'm so happy with our life, sometimes I can't believe it..." she gabbled hastily, running her hand down his arm and grabbed his hands in her own, squeezing tightly, determined that he would understand this and realize that she would never be depressed with him.
"What I meant was that I didn't think about what COULD have been because I would have gotten depressed thinking about a life with you that would have been far easier, far happier and far more full of love than the life I had been leading and it would have made me even unhappier than I already was... I couldn't allow myself to dream of something, a life, that I felt I could never have..."
"I see," he said quietly- now it was his turn to gaze into the fire.
"I never meant to hurt you by being so abrupt before- I did think about it from time to time, but only once in depth," she said sorrowfully. "The one time I did think about what could have been, I remember wishing that I had met you before Rupert and that we HAD been married, hopefully for most of our lives... I wouldn't have been Queen of a country but I would have had YOU..." she reached over and touched his cheek tenderly.
"Even if we had been from two different worlds?"
"I married into royalty, darling, I'm not royal like Mia is... yes, even from two different worlds- we had a connection from the beginning, you know that, and I never believed in the class system... If I fell in love with you then, I would have followed my heart... From the moment I met you, I knew that you were the one person who truly understood me and I could trust you... so I knew that I would be happy with you... and you would have been wonderful as a father."
"I never really thought about children or becoming a father... it's never been a major issue on my agenda."
"Why?"
"Because... well, it wasn't much point thinking of children after a certain point because I knew I would never have any of my own."
"Why?"
"It's not much point having kids with someone else when my heart belonged to someone else... all I wanted was you and for you to be the mother of my children. It was impossible for that to happen- you were married to a King and could have been for the rest of your life- so I chose not to have a wife and family... because I wanted only you in those two roles."
There, he had said it- it was because of her that he didn't have a family of his own but he didn't want her to feel guilty- he had felt that if she wasn't available, he didn't want anyone else. It was the choice he had made, but if he had could have done it any differently, he wouldn't have... but if Clarisse had been free, way back before Rupert, he would have married her in a heartbeat.
When he looked back at her, her eyes were brilliant with tears and the expression on her face was a mixture of tenderness, pain and guilt, her hand still frozen on his cheek.
"Oh Joseph," she finally whispered sadly. "You gave up the opportunity for a family... for me?"
"Yes... but it was my choice, not yours, so I don't want you to ever feel guilty."
"Oh darling... you would have been a wonderful father and, with no disrespect to Pierre or Phillipe, I would have LOVED having your children...would you have wanted daughters or sons? I could have just seen what your son looked like... just as handsome as you!"
"Sons would have been just as long as we had a daughter or two who looked like you- big blue eyes, beautiful smile, soft skin..." he trailed off as he shifted closer to her, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her.
When they finally broke apart, slightly breathless, she looked back into the fireplace, a tear sliding down her cheek.
"We would have been so happy together...we could have been a family..."
"We would have been happy," he affirmed, feeling a twinge of regret for what could have been but never would happen...
"Do you regret your choice?" she was still looking into the fire- she had never dreamed that SHE would be the reason he never married or had a family. He had so much love to give, and he was such a gentleman... for all of that to go to waste... She had thought that he simply had never found the person he wanted to be with (and she had wanted him to find someone, although the selfish side of her wanted him to remain devoted only to her)- little did she realize that it had been her, always her...
"Never," he murmured huskily into her ear. "Your boys were enough for me..."
"But if Rupert hadn't died prematurely..."
"It still would have been worth it," he said, stubbornly calm.
"Even if..."
"Even if we had never married, I still would have gone to my grave with the knowledge that you loved me... and you do love me, don't you?" he twisted her around and tilted her chin up so that he was looking into his eyes.
"You do, don't you?" he repeated in a low voice, a playful edge to it and a smile growing on his face as she turned red and squirmed uncomfortably against him, her lips twitching- she was so adorable, trying to hide her true feelings but failing miserably- he knew her so well...
"Darling... you do, don't you?"
"Well... I suppose so... maybe..." she stalled deliberately before looking directly into his eyes. "Yes," she said finally before allowing him to tighten his grip on her (as her arms wove around his neck) before their lips met again in a longer, more passionate kiss.
It was a long time before they resurfaced and, this time, they were both stretched out on the sofa, looking into the fire, Clarisse curled up in Joseph's arms and the atmosphere was back to it's former relaxed, natural state.
"About what we were discussing before..." Clarisse began.
"No, I shouldn't have brought it up,"Joseph said hastily- he had almost ruined the evening by bringing the subject up- but Clarisse only moved slightly so that she was looking up at him.
"I'm glad you did... I often wondered whether you thought about what if as well..."
"I did, but I didn't want to upset you..."
"You didn't...it was just painful to consider another possibility while married to Rupert... even if it was with you, whom I truly loved. By the way, what if you hadn't been a bodyguard? What would you have done?"
"Fortunately, I was a bodyguard so I could meet you... but, if I didn't become one of the elite..." they both chuckled at that. "...I would have liked to have been... an architect or a musician."
"Mmm... so if we want to consider what our life would have been like together, while you would have been busy designing buildings or becoming a famous musician..."
"Not necessarily famous... that was never my goal!" he protested.
"...I would have stayed at home with our daughters and son..."
They both chuckled at the summary of their life- although they both secretly thought it sounded perfect for them- before Joseph looked down at her seriously, stroking her cheek gently.
"Didn't you ever dream of becoming something else like... a teacher or, with your looks, a model?"
"No," she giggled at the though of HER becoming a model, before her expression softened. "No, if I hadn't become Queen, I would have been content to be a wife and mother... maybe teach eventually...I never had the chance with my own sons... sounds very old fashioned, doesn't it?" she smiled ruefully at him but he didn't laugh back.
"No, it sounds sweet... and exactly like you..."
There was another slight pause before she beamed up at him again, touched at the conversation and feeling even closer to him.
"But, interesting as this conversation was, we don't need to worry about not being together now, do we or think about what could have been?"
"No," he said huskily, gazing down at her with such tenderness her eyes nearly filled with tears again.
"Thankfully, your granddaughter..."
"OUR granddaughter," she corrected with a smile.
"Alright, OUR granddaughter pushed us down the aisle..."
"And we no longer have to have any regrets or wonder what could have been, although it would have been nice to be married to you for most of our lives..."
"Yes, it would have been... but at least we've got the rest of our lives to be together, and that's what I like to know..." before he leant down and kissed her again... together, forever...