Silent Cry, Lonesome Tears
Mona-chan: Hey everyone! Can you believe I'm starting on my second fan fiction when my first one has only 2 chapters? I'm writing the 3rd chapter now of Above Heights of Heaven, Below Depths of Hell (also in the CCS category), but to get through my writers block, I'm writing this. This story is sort of based on my personal experiences. It's kind of different from your normal romance of SxS. The story will be in Tomoyo's P.O.V (point of view). Well, read and enjoy! And remember to read Above Heights of Heaven, Below Depths of Hell too! Arigato!
(A/N...) – my thoughts...author notes
Italics – flashbacks or thoughts
'....' – Thought quotations
--...-- - Change of scene
Prologue – Simple, Ordinary Girl
My heart hurt. It throbbed painfully over and over with every step I took, every thought I thought. Now as I step down the wedding aisle with my groom, I think of my childhood memories, and how much I've changed. My life was drowned in sadness previously, but now it's full of bliss. The artificial smile I had on finally became a genuine smile again. The hurt etched deep inside my heart disappeared at last; it had been there for so many long years. Let me tell you a story of a simple, ordinary girl, living a simple, ordinary life. My name is Tomoyo Daiidouji. I am that girl.
Everything started back in fourth grade. That was when I met two boys - Syaoran and Eirol. The day I met those two, I never thought that they would have such a strong impact on my life (A/N: I'm very aware Tomoyo& Sakura met Eirol and Syaoran on different days, but hey...read the words....fanfiction!) Sure, I was excited, like the rest of my classmates. Two exchange students in a year – one from Hong Kong and one from England. Who wouldn't be excited? However, it never came into consideration for me that the day I met those two boys, everything would change forever.
Sakura and I became good friends with Eirol and Syaoran almost immediately, as we were all linked somehow to the whole Card Captor issue. I was the only one that was linked to the Card Captor issue indirectly. I had no magic whatsoever, but that didn't matter. We were friends, and that was all that ever mattered to me. Nothing mattered but friendship. Not love, not anything. Just friendship. But who knew friendship could stir feelings at the heart?
We all had missions of our own. Syaoran was set out to capture the Clow Cards, a mission set out for him by the Li Clan. Eirol was the reincarnation of Clow Reed, the man who made the Clow Cards. Sakura was working hard to become the mistress of the Clow Cards. I was set out to be a clothes designer and I loved videotaping. I was always seen either designing clothes for Sakura or videotaping her. After all, I was the best friend and cousin of the soon-to-be Card Mistress. Those days were the good days. Back then we were all so innocent, like all children are, and love was out of the question.
In fifth grade, however, things were very different... although few noticed it. Sakura made a strong bond with Syaoran. I could see that a relationship was already blooming, although they themselves didn't notice it. At that time the relationship was only a friendship, but nonetheless, it began to grow. At the same time, a strong friendship grew between Eirol and myself.
Sakura believed back then that I couldn't love. I was always the one that was always giving her support. She never thought that someday I might need her support. Sakura always teased me playfully about Eirol because of our friendship. I didn't love Eirol, however strong our friendship may have been.
Time passed by fast, and it soon got to the end of fifth grade, where all the Card Captor days had gone by. All the Clow Cards had been turned into Sakura Cards. Kero returned into the book of Clow. Ruby Moon and Yue remained as their human forms most of the time, and barely got to see us anyway. Spinnel Sun stayed at Eirol's home. We became middle school students and switched schools. Everything else changed, but friendship stayed the same. Or I thought it did. But I was in for a big change.
Time was a blur now. Sixth grade came and went, and I realized the one I really loved was Syaoran, though I didn't have a clue why. I knew though that now it was too late for my feelings. Sakura and Syaoran now possessed a bond that was too strong to be broken, the bond of love. Besides, I knew how much Sakura loved Syaoran. How much they loved each other. I couldn't interfere. Instead, I decided to be a good friend to them both. I kept the secret to myself, confiding in no one.
In seventh grade, I longed for Syaoran even more. I didn't know why, but it made me confused inside. What I would do... if he even gave one glance towards me. But all his attention was on Sakura. He had no time for me - that was for sure. He would come up to me once in a while because we were friends. He would ask me to help him about Sakura. He knew I would help. Because I am the reliable, composed, cool-headed Tomoyo. I always know what to do, right...? Wrong. That's just what everyone thinks but they're all wrong. Do they know what lies inside, beneath this calm exterior? Jealousy. Confusion. Hate.
I was jealous of Sakura, but kept quiet about it. She was still my best friend, and I loved her. But I was jealous all the same. When I saw them together, I became green with envy. When we were all together, I tried to enjoy myself. Trying not to notice their happiness was so painful. It was hard, but I managed, fooling everybody with my unruffled and serene personality. I had succeeded on the outside, but on the inside I was hurting more than ever. I felt that inside I would never succeed.
I was confused as well. Now I didn't know if I truly loved Syaoran, or I just wanted to be better friends with him. Maybe it was because I wanted to know someone cared for me. Whatever the case, what was so special about that boy? What was so special about the boy with chocolate-colored hair that fell right above his eyes? I didn't know. He was just so nice. He was funny. He was like me, different on the inside. He was lonely and cold on the outside, but warm on the inside. I was calm on the outside, lonely on the inside. He knew a lot about how I felt. But he didn't know all that I felt. Or else he would have known about my admiration, my love, of him. But he didn't. I didn't think he would. Because nobody would ever understand that feeling, not even me. Love is perplexing, and I don't think it's meant to be solved. I try to solve the puzzle of love, but to no avail.
The last feeling under that cool exterior was hate. I didn't hate anyone really. Except for myself. Why wasn't I good enough? I always seemed happy when I was younger, video-taping away. I was for a while, but things had changed now. I always commented on how beautiful Sakura was but inside I was wishing I were just as beautiful she. I put on a smile everyday as usual, and it still fooled everyone. I fooled the dense but insightful Sakura, the smart and cunning Syaoran, and the mysterious and knowledgeable Eirol. Everyone.
In eighth grade, Sakura continued to tease me about Eirol. Did I show signs of liking Eirol or was Sakura just as dense as ever? She meant it as a joke, playfully...but she didn't know how I really felt. She never knew whom my heart really belonged to. I usually just laughed at her comments and reassured her I didn't like him, which was the truth. But I wasn't telling the whole truth. Because that meant telling her I loved Syaoran. And there would never be a day that those words would come out tumbling out of my mouth. Never.
What pained me even more was that Syaoran didn't know. Of course he didn't know... I didn't tell him. I would never have the nerves to tell him, confused as I was of my situation. He always paid attention to Sakura, when he didn't know how much I loved him inside. It felt that I held more love for him than Sakura ever would and nobody knew. He didn't know I was the one that always noticed him first, wherever he was. He didn't know that he filled my thoughts every day, every moment. He didn't know that I was the one that cried for him every night. Tears slid out of eyes, every single night. I wished he knew. But he didn't.
They say there's no such thing as fate, that everyone makes their own decisions that lead them on the path of life. But only fate would make a person suffer in the name of love, like I was suffering back then. There had to have been such a thing as fate because I already made my decisions, so why was I still in the same place as always? Why wasn't I going anywhere?
Mona-chan: So how is it? Sad? I hope so because I tried to make it sad. This is a romance and along with romances always comes heartbreaking and painful plots. So please review because EVERY SINGLE one counts! Sorry this was so short but it's hard to write long chapters! Gomen! Anyway, thanks! Read Above Heights of Heaven, Below Depths of Hell, too! Arigato! Emails treasured at . I can't wait to hear from you!