The Assassination of Norman Osborn and the Red Skull

by Mr. BramStoker

Very heavily parodied crackfic if the Marvel Universe was much, much, MUCH sillier, the heroes were very omniscient, the villains were incredibly dumb and died real fast, the girls were always stupid and sexy; also frequent expositioning of the plot, running gags, fourth wall breakage and tons of OOC. better yet EVERYONE IN THIS FIC IS COMPLETELY OOC

THE ASSASSINATION OF NORMAN OSBORN AND THE RED SKULL AND THE DISASSEMBLING OF HYDRA AND THE REASSEMBLING OF SHIELD BY THE KAMAKRAZEE MARVEL SUPERHEROES AND SUPERHEROINES… AND DEADPOOL

Chapter 1: The Planning, The Hit, The Arrest… and the Breakout

Once upon a time, in HYDRA-occupied Los Angeles…

"Ugh, I'm bored…" Jean Grey sighed, watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond on her iPad

"So? If you're tired, go to bed" Longshot quipped

"Maybe I will later" Jean replied

"Hey guys. I got an idea" Cyclops said

"oh joy, what is it now?" Jean moaned

"ok; you know how that sleazy douchebag Norman Osborn and that Red Skull cockbite basically fucked us all by pulling SHIELD outta our legs?" Cyclops asked, a few others listening

"Hmmm… I like where this is going" Domino said to She-Hulk

"what's your point kid?" Punisher asked

"it's simple: we're going to… kill Norman Osborn and the Red Skull, disassemble HYDRA and restore SHIELD to its rightful glory" Cyclops answered

….

"…what?" Jean asked, stunned

"Scott, that has gotta be the most impossible, most complicated, craziest and definitely DANGEROUS idea you've ever planned. I like it" Domino commented

"I'm in. I have a $5,000,000 contract on Osborn and Schmit" Punisher added

"eh, anything to get outta the nuthouse" Deadpool shrugged

"so, all agree?" Cyclops asked, everyone raising hands

"Great! Let's go!" Cyclops ordered, dashing out the door before realizing something

"…you forgot our weapons, didn't you?" Hawkeye smirked

"…I forgot our weapons" Cyclops echoed, going to the guns and rifles locker

"all right? Everyone locked and loaded?" Cyclops asked as they assembled in the team van

"yup. By the way, who's driving?" Peter Wisdom asked, Songbird and Moonstone winking

"…oh" Jean responded, getting out her iPad and resumed watching Everybody Loves Raymond

"Jean, must you insist on carryin' that iPad?" Will'O the Wisp complained

"Well hey, ya never know when it may come in handy sometime" Jean replied

Foreshadowing

"ok we're here. Me and Moonstone will keep the van warm in case somethin' goes wrong" Moonstone said as the would be hero assassins exited the van

"thanks ladies, y'all are real true beaucoup friends" Gambit said as Songbird tossed Scott a keychain

"what's this?" Scott asked

"it's a distress signal. Press it twice and we'll come find you and get you outta trouble if you ever wind up in a maximum security prison in a poorly guarded and run police station" Songbird explained

Foreshadowing

"thanks. I'll place this in my special secret pocket" Scott said, placing the keychain in his hidden pouch

"that was real sweet of you, Moon" Songbird said

"eh you know us, we never, ever, EVER let our friends down, now do we?" Moonstone responded

"ok, plan is we get in, find Osborn and pop him off. Then we bounce like Beckham, baby" Luke Cage said as everyone gathered at the back door

"hey, there's some rather unusual and very hostile people crowding around the back door!" a guard hollered

"ah, son of a bitch…" Luke Cage moaned, just as Deadpool sliced the guards into a security cheese sandwich

"good work, Wade. Now hide the bodies and not get into any trouble. Now let's biggity bounce" Cyclops said, busting the door down

"Sneak sneak sneak…" Jean whispered, Wolverine snarling at her

"Sorry. Quiet, quiet, quiet…" Jean said more quietly

"JEAN DO YOU WANT ME TO WRING YOUR SCRAWNY SLUTTY LITTLE NECK?" Wolverine yelled

"WAAAAAHHH! Logan's being a meanie!" Jean whined

"Shame on you, Wolverine! Terrorizing my poor little Phoenix like that…" Emma Frost snapped, comforting Jean

"There's Osborn. Ok whoever gets the short straw knows what to do" Scott said, everyone drawing straws, Cyclops getting the shortest

"…uh-oh. Well let's try this then. Dip, dip, dip, my little ship sails on the ocean, you…are…" Cyclops chanted, pointing at Luke Cage

"oh way to go boy, you always, ALWAYS pick the black guy who always, ALWAYS dies first in an action movie!" Luke complained

"hey wait a sec guys… what if Osborn *is* dead and Red Skull double-crossed and murdered him and had all of us framed for it so that we'd be arrested, sent to a poorly defended and ran police station, break out, lay low in Las Vegas for a few weeks or so, get incredibly rich and famous, infiltrate HYDRA HQ, convince Madame Hydra and the female HYDRA agents to join us, kill all the HYDRA men, blow up their machines, lure Red Skull into a trap, drop a piano on his head, we get our names cleared, SHIELD is reactivated and we live in Las Vegas and we're never ever bored ever again" Jean said

"Jean…that basically sums up the entire plot of this story. How do you even KNOW it will happen?" Punisher asks

"I'm omniscient. I know EVERYTHING" Jean said cryptically

Foreshadowing

"Ok, Osborn, better say your prayers, 'cuz when I'm done with…" Luke said, wheeling the chair to see Osborn dead, his throat and wrists slashed a photo of him and the team pinned on his chest with a recording camera added to it

"HOLD IT! Are you the ones who broke in through the back door, and killed this man?" an officer asked

"uh…. Nope" Luke answered

"ok, you're going to jail in a poorly defended and ran police station, where you'll most likely be freed by two bimbos driving a large van. Oh by the way, we're also gonna let you keep your weapons and stuff, because we never know if you might drug the hot young female cops' coffee, brainwash 'em and have 'em accompany you to Las Vegas, get rich and famous, infiltrate HYDRA, seduce Madame Hydra and the HYDRA girls oh and drop a piano on Red Skull's head, clear your names, restore SHIELD and also live in Las Vegas where you never ever get bored ever again" the second officer says quickly

Foreshadowing

"hey what are you doing?" the officer asks Jean

"oh texting two bimbos in a van that we were arrested and that I'm sending them the drive instructions to your poorly defended and ran police station where they'll most likely break us and all the hot young female cops out by ramming the van through the wall" Jean answered

"Omniscient, right?" the officer asks

"yup. How'd you guess?" Jean asks

"eh, I'm just a minor character who may make several cameos with my partner to address the readers of the progress of the storyline" the officer responded

Meanwhile, back at the van…

"hey, did Jean press that distress signal?" Moonstone asked as a distress light beeped

"yup she sure did. Let's go spring her, their friends, and some hot sexy female cops out of a poorly defended and ran police station, where then we'll lay low in Las Vegas, get rich and famous, infiltrate HYDRA, seduce Madame Hydra and the female HYDRA agents, also drop the piano on Red Skull's head, have our names cleared, have SHIELD restored oh and we all live in Las Vegas where we'll never ever get bored ever again" Songbird said

At the poorly defended and ran police station…

"Hi! We're the police force consisting of incredibly stupid, naïve but very nice and extremely sexy police officers who may get knocked out by drugged coffee, brainwashed by you guys, then we ride to Las Vegas, get rich and famous, infiltrate HYDRA, seduce Madame Hydra and all the HYDRA women, drop a piano on Red Skull's head, get your names cleared, we have SHIELD restored, plus we all live in Las Vegas and we never ever get bored ever again" the head officer said cheerfully

"That's good. By the way while you were summing up the plot I drugged your coffee with heavy sleeping pills which you just drank so when you go to sleep we'll brainwash you and your girlfriends so…. Well, you get the idea" Jean said

"oh. Well, goodnight" the head cop said happily, dropping to the floor sound asleep, the other sexy bimbo cops falling asleep as well

"Jean, you ARE omniscient…" Elektra said in amazement

"I also have a secret connection with the author…" Jean said

Foreshadowing

"ok they're all brainwashed" Songbird said quickly, breaking in through the wall

"oh good, we're awake and look we're now incredibly strong and immortal but still stupid and naïve" the head officer said

"Goodie, now let's go" Jean said, everyone getting in the van and driving off

"gee, you think we'll ever see 'em again?" the officer asked

"eh, probably in Chapter 2…" the second officer said

Foreshadowing

"uh-oh we're nearing the end of this chapter which means the author is gonna continue making a story of the PSN characters doing a parody of the Amazing Race and also doing a Justice League one-shot and then tomorrow he'll update our story with a new chapter" Jean said rapidly

THE END