I was watching her.
Sixth-year Slytherins have Herbology with Gryffindor, and I couldn't help it. She was joking with Potter and Black, and she looked so beautiful. Laughing, pushing curly red hair out of her face.
Lily Evans.
It's not that I like her, exactly. Well, okay, it is. But I have a tendency to want everything I don't have, and loathe everything I do. Normally if I complain enough, I get whatever I want. I knew that this time that that wasn't the case at all.
There's the house thing. Gryffindor. Slytherin. Not a good match. There's the whole Mudblood thing, by which I mean she is one. If my father ever found out I had any feelings other than hate for a Mudblood, I would be disowned immediately.
Oh, right. Then there's the fact that she hates me. Why shouldn't she? I make fun of her, her friends, her boyfriend. I would hate me too. But I hate myself already, so it doesn't really matter.
I was getting depressed. Wanting things that will never, ever be theirs has that effect on people. After class I trudged up to the boy's dorm. But there was nothing there for me. I decided to take a walk.
I wandered aimlessly. My head down, I thought about everything. About my parents. About Lily. About what it meant to be a Malfoy. I guess I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going, and I bumped into someone.
"Dammit! Watch where you're going!" I yelled, trying to make it seem like our collision was entirely the other person's fault. Looking up, I saw it didn't really matter-- we were in a deserted corridor. I turned to face the person I had collided with and saw--
Lily. Crying.
Oh here you are
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Great.
She was sobbing. Literally sobbing. I wondered what to do. Should I run? Give her a funny look and walk away? Or try to comfort her?
None sounded appealing.
"What-- what's wrong?" My voice cracked. Had I just said that? Well, of course I had. But why? This couldn't-- this wasn't-- I couldn't let this happen. This wasn't happening.
She didn't answer me. Well, why should she? I hadn't given her any reason to. I had given her reasons specifically not to tell me-- all the times I had mocked her, hated her with burning eyes of contempt.
While I was thinking about that, Lily sort of collapsed on the ground, still sobbing. I sat down next to her.
Did they push you down?
Did they throw you away?
We sat like that, me and Lily, for awhile. Both of us silent, except for her sobs. I don't know how long it was. It seemed like forever. But when your mind is racing like mine was, five minutes is eternity.
After a bit, though I have no idea how long, Lily's sobs quieted, though they didn't stop. I decided to go. It wasn't like she was going to talk to me. I got up and began to walk away.
"Stop." I felt a hand on my shoulder. Lily's hand. "Stay-- stay here." I turned around and looked at her. Her eyes were pleading.
Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me I'm not there
"Okay," I muttered. We sat back down-- first her, then me.
I had to ask. It wasn't as though I thought she liked me-- but I had to ask.
"Why did you ask me to stay?"
She looked thoughtful. "I don't know, exactly. I need someone to be here. Just-- can you just stay here? Please?"
I nodded. What else could I do?
But something told me I would have stayed there, indefinitely, whether she asked or not.
I wondered what would happen if I told her right then. She had stopped crying. I wanted to tell her the truth, that I didn't hate her, I loved her. But I couldn't.
Almost human, but
I'll never be the same
That was when she kissed me.
At first, it was everything a first kiss should be--sweet and intoxicating, fast and furious. Then I realized what I was doing. My eyes, shut, popped upon. I pulled away and ran as fast as I could.
"Lucius, wait!"
But I couldn't. My feet would not have stopped for anything. I ran and ran to the Slytherin dungeons. My footsteps hit the stone floor in a steady rhythm, making a simple sentence.
I need Lily
. I need Lily. I need Lily.And though my footsteps had no doubt, my mind refused to believe.
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't wanna live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
I couldn't sleep.
No surprise, I'm sure, given the night's events. When I thought about it, the events seemed tiny-- Lily had cried. Lily had asked me to stay with her. Lily had... kissed me.
But, tiny as these events were, they kept repeating in my head. I was certain they meant nothing to her-- she had a boyfriend. One that would surely be better to her than I ever could. Who the hell was I? Some damn Slytherin who made fun of her and acted as though he were better than her. Me, better than Lily? Now that was a joke.
But she had asked me to stay. Even if it was just because she needed someone, no matter who it was... she had asked me to stay.
Why had I picked on her? Why had I been so mean? Well, I knew why-- to preserve my image, to seem powerful. How dare I? How dare I do that to her?
My thoughts were a carousel, spinning around and around, never getting anywhere. I pulled out my wand. "Slumbertus demostra," I whispered, and fell into a dreamless sleep.
I never put you down
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
My head hurt when I woke up. Weird, but at first I didn't remember the previous night's events. I got and was dressing when I remembered. The memory of Lily's lips on mine hit me in the stomach, hard.
I groaned when I looked at my schedule. Herbology, 10:00. Second. After Arithmancy, my worst class. Oh, god, this was going to be a happy morning.
I skipped breakfast. Making fun of Gryffindors was a morning routine for my friends and I, and I didn't know if I would be able to take that. What if my face gave me away? And it wasn't as though I were hungry. I was never hungry-- that was why I was so skinny.
After Arithmancy, I trudged to Herbology. I wanted to throw up. Then I caught myself, asked myself what the hell I was doing. Letting some Mudblood Gryffindor girl control my feelings? Who was I?
That was about when I realized I didn't know anymore.
I slid into my seat. Clarisse Bixby plopped down next to me. Oh, god, she was not I needed right then. But I was polite to her, maybe more polite than I had ever been. She seemed surprised, but I was trying to show Lily that I wasn't thinking about her at all. I turned to glare at Lily, just so she got the picture. But before I could, she smiled at me.
I think that was when all my sanity floated away.
And anything you want
There's nothing I could say
The rest of the day was a daze. I didn't even try to pay attention.
How dare she? Be nice to me when I was trying so hard to hate her. Couldn't she see she was completely ruining my life?
That night I laid on my bed, thinking. I knew that I would never be with Lily. Never, but I couldn't force the thought of her out of my mind. Maybe... maybe if I did think about her, without trying to stop, for a while, then I wouldn't have to anymore. Kind of like cutting your arm to let bad blood out in the Middle Ages.
First I pictured Lily. Pictured myself asking her out. Her by some miracle saying yes. My father finding out and disowning me. Or killing me, maybe. Or different scenario: Lily and I falling in love. Wanting to get married. Me killing my father so that he couldn't stop us. Lily hating me for being a cold, unfeeling murderer.
Millions of scenes passed through my mind, each worse than the next. Couldn't I see? There was no possible way anything between the two of us could work. Ever. But I couldn't force her out of my mind.
I decided to take a walk. Clear my head. Before I left I cut my arm with my knife; a short cut, barely any blood. I hadn't done that in a while, but I felt I needed it then.
I should have known a walk would be a horrible idea. Because I saw someone when I was walking past the Great Hall.
I doubt I need to say, but it was Lily. Holding her arm, gaping at it. She wasn't crying, but she was staring at it.
For some idiot reason I walked over to her. Sat down. "What happened?"
I don't know why, but Lily didn't look surprised to see me. She just lifted the sleeve of her rose, revealing a large, yellow-black bruise. "What the hell-" was all I could say.
She looked up at me, her eyes wide. I can't really explain it, but it seemed like she was telling me that I knew, that I didn't have to ask.
I exhaled. "Did Potter... did he.... do that?"
She nodded very slowly, and I felt waves of anger rush over me. How could he? Wonderful Potter, smart Potter, athletic Potter. Do this to his girlfriend? Oh god, hit her? Then I realized that anger wasn't my only feeling. Possession-- that was what it was, and the force of it nearly knocked me over. She was mine. I knew I had no right to feel that way, but I did. How could Potter do that to Lily? She was mine.
I was brought back to earth by Lily's shout. "Oh god, you're bleeding!" I looked at my own arm, and saw that the blood had gone through my robe.
I cursed under my breath. "It's okay," I said, but Lily wouldn't believe me. I think it was just that she wanted to get the attention off of her own wound, but I felt weird anyway.
"How did you do that?" she asked me. I shrugged. It was her turn to look shocked. "You did that... on purpose?"
I shrugged again.
Is there anything to feel
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me
"Oh, god, Lucius, you didn't." I couldn't speak. What would I say? Oh, yes, actually, I did, I cut myself because I love you. Not likely.
"Lift up your sleeve." I did as I was told, and Lily quickly fixed my arm.
"Thanks," I said. "I guess." Then I couldn't help myself. "Why-- why did Potter do that to you?"
She shuddered. Didn't speak for a couple of minutes, and I didn't push. Finally she said, "James gets angry. Jealous."
"Big deal," I said. So angry at Potter, like that was an excuse? For doing... that? No way. "Everyone does. Doesn't mean he has to do that." I nodded my chin at Lily's arm.
"He doesn't mean to do it. I was talking to Frank Longbottom, helping him with Potions. Flirting with him, I guess. I mean, I don't blame James for hitting me." Her eyes, however, betrayed her true feelings. It was obvious that she thought what he did was wrong, too.
Of course it was.
That was when I saw a tear drop from Lily's eye. Another, than another. Soon she was silently crying. I had no idea what to do. Then I realized.
"Lily?" I asked. "Can I tell you something?"
She didn't say anything. I took that as a yes.
"Lily, I think I'm in love with you."
There was a deafening silence. Then Lily said, very quietly, "I kinda thoughts so."
"You did?"
She laughed, kind of. It was supposed to be a laugh, but it sounded so sad.... "Well, no. But it seemed like the right thing to say, you know?"
I laughed a little, then, but I was scared out of my mind. Silence followed.
Lily spoke. "I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"Of James. Now I am. Which I hate. And I'm scared of you, because you like me, and I think I might like you."
I looked at her, at Lily, my Lily. She might like me. She might like me, and one day she might love me. Everything would be wonderful and happy and...
I was terrified. I then did the only thing I could.
I ran.
I never pushed you down
I never pushed you away
I can't believe I'm still thinking about this. How long has it been? 20 years. Twenty long, long years.
Lily is dead. She has been for-- what is it? 14 years. I am married to Narcissa White. It was an arranged marriage. Lily's marriage to Potter, however, was not. I used to wonder whether he still hit her.
Somehow over the years I stopped caring.
I am alone in this house. My every footstep echoes a million times. I have a son now, Draco. He is fifteen and away at Hogwarts. Same year as Lily's son Harry, in fact. Of course, they are not friends. Draco is better than I was at shutting people out.
I would be proud of him, if I had any emotion left in my body.
Which brings me back to my original question. Why is Lily so in my thoughts tonight? I glance at the calendar hanging in the parlor. April 23.
Her birthday.
I get up and throw on my cloak. I am greeted at the door by my butler, Richard.
Oh, yes, I was mistaken. I am never truly alone, am I? I'm always surrounded by idiot followers who don't give a shit about how I really am.
Before he can ask, I tell Richard where I am going. His only question is if I want a ride.
"I'll walk," I tell him, and stride into the night.
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to gray
I don't bother to look up her grave. Instead I stagger like a drunk all across the graveyard until I find it.
Lily Evans Potter
April 23, 1965-
October 31, 1987
May your soul take flight
On the wings of an angel
It's a pretty stone, I suppose. Gray, swirls of purple. Someone, though I've no idea who, has kept her and James' tombstones clean, and planted flowers.
I don't have a rose to give you, Lily.
Why did I run? Why did I run from you, Lily? I loved you. You knew that, didn't you? I think I still might. God, Lily, why did I run?
I was afraid. I'm a coward, I suppose. Do you know how much I regret it now, Lily? Running from you. Running from beauty. Running into sin, death, malice.
I can't go on like this, Lily. I can't. I cut myself, that night, before I saw you. Remember? It was because of you. Because of you that I did it. And I still do it, sometimes. I guess that's another way I'm a coward-- I'm too afraid to even kill myself properly.
I'm sobbing, Lily. I don't know if you can hear me, but I am. Remember that night you cried, in front of me? You asked me to stay with you. And I did stay, for you.
So please, stay with me, Lily. If you can hear me, stay with me.
I can't do this, Lily. I can't. I can't live any more. Of course, I will, because I truly am a coward.
Oh god, Lily. I'm such a coward that I helped Voldemort. Helped him kill people. Of course, you know that, don't you? But I left. I left him, left everything about him and the Death Eaters, and do you know why?
Because of you, Lily. He was going to kill you, and I couldn't let him. I tried to stop him. I tried to kill him. It didn't work, he left me dying while he went to kill you.
No. No more cowardice. No more. Lily, I can't do this.
The sky was black before, but now the sun has begun to rise. Can you see it, Lily, can you?
But I won't ever see full daylight again.
No more cowardice, Lily. No more. No more....
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't wanna live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
A/N: **scratches head** This wasn't supposed to be a suicide fic....
Look, everybody! Madgirl wrote a fic, and she wasn't PMS-ing!
Disclaimer: I think disclaimers are stupid. If I were J.K. Rowling, I would so not be wasting my time writing idiot fanfictions. But I do own Clarisse Bixby. I used her in "Dizzy", too. Dizzy is my other Lucius fic. Read it! Now!