I am an acrobat flying in the air doing flips and twirls. I am a
ballerina spinning and dancing. I am a singer singing what my heart felt.
Actually I'm none of these, but I wish I were because they all have
something in common. That thing is grace, and I have none, or so my brother
tells me but I think he's just teasing me, well at least he used to tease
me. My name is Ashley Mathews, but people call me Ash. Have you ever heard
of the term "firey redhead"? Well that's me, they call me Ash because I can
be like hot Ash's when I'm angry.
Life sucks here in the town I live in, but I guess any teenager would say that after her father left her family for her mom to support and she never sees her brother with whom she was at one time oh-so close to. Well if Keith, or as his friends call him Two-bit, would rather hang out with his friends than his sister so be it, I could care less. I have my own friends. My best friend is Angela Shepard, the younger sister of Tim and Curly Shepard. Sometimes I feel jealous of Angel because her brothers still pay attention to her, but like I said, I don't care.
So, Angela and I now are in the back of Tim's car, drinking sodas at the Dingo.
"Did you end up trying out for the track team?" Angela asked me knowing that I had been working my butt off to be prepared for tryouts.
"Yeah, I made it." I replied, but she didn't know that half the reason why I did it was for a boy, she would think that would be low of me.
"Good job, now I've got a future jock as a best friend," She said sarcastically.
"I never will be a jock, just a runner," I reassured her.
Angela seemed to have problems with the fact that I wanted to be on the track team, perhaps she was afraid I would turn into a…a…a…(Gulp)…a Soc! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! No I never will! I think, and hope, she knows that. Angela's my best friend I'd never do what Two-bit, I mean Keith, or my father did and abandon someone they're supposed to love. I do love Angela like the sister I never had.
"Did you hear we're having a pep rally tomorrow?" Angela asked.
"Oh, our first pep rally of high school! I'm going to cry!" I said, pretending to get choked up over a stupid pep rally. "I see pep rally's as something that just gives the stupid football team more freaking attention than they deserve. What about us runners? We work just as hard as the football players to be good at our sports! This is what I call injustice!"
"I swear Ash, you and Two-bit don't look that much alike but sometimes you sure act like him," Tim Sheppard said getting into the drivers seat of the car.
"Tim don't even say that!" I snapped suddenly taking Angela and Tim both off guard, "Don't even mention him to me!"
"What are you two in some sort of a fight?" Tim asked, his eyes wide. The situation would have been rather amusing to see that expression on Tim's face, but under these certain circumstances it wasn't.
"No," I replied and stared out the window, "We hardly ever communicate anymore, it'd be impossible for us to get into a fight."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know…" Tim said.
"Don't worry about it. He has the right to be with his friends all the time, I don't miss him I'm just being selfish I guess." I said.
"Do you not like his friends?" Angela asked.
"Oh, no, I like his friends," I said honestly but I didn't speak another word of the subject. I liked one of his friends very much, too much if you ask me. How can I like someone so much after it felt like he stole my brother away from me?
Keith and I were at one time best friends, especially when my father was still around. It was almost as if he was crazy about me. He loved taking me to the park and pushing me on the swings or going on the titter- totter with me, but once I reached Junior High and he reached High School we grew apart fast, rarely even speaking to each other. I envy Angela for her relationship with her brothers. Sure they do fight a lot, but at least they acknowledge that she's there, and a lot of the time they get along great. Angela is Tim and Curly's baby sister and they'd kill for her. I wish I had that relationship with Keith. But, it's like I said before I don't care.
Ah, my first track-meet ever. My coach is actually a pretty cool guy, he's really into the sport, and really cares about us as athletes not just our scores and making him look good, he wants us to be the best we can be. Being new to the team I don't know most of the team, but I did know one guy named Ponyboy Curtis, he's a friend of my brother.
"Hey Pony," I said when I saw him.
"Hey Ash, I didn't know you joined the track team," He said, surprised to see me.
"Yeah, well, here I am," I said as we started stretching.
"How's Two-bit?" He asked.
"I don't know, why don't you tell me, you talk to him more than I do," I replied, a hint of jealousy in my voice. I don't care, I told myself again.
"Really?" He asked, "But you live with him."
"Just because I live with him doesn't mean I talk to him, or better yet, he talks to me." I replied.
"Oh, I didn't know…" He said.
"Not man people do. It's probably because we're opposites. Two-bit, I mean Keith, is wild and outgoing and funny and carefree. I'm uptight, stubborn, and moody."
"Ash, you're not like that. You're a nice girl," He said.
"Thanks," Is all I said. Pony thinks I'm nice! Great!
After that I was in a good mood the rest of the day and Angela couldn't figure out what the heck had happened to me.
"What's with you today?" She asked as we "did homework" in her family room (we were really reading magazines and talking about boys)
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You've been talking about Ponyboy constantly," She replied flatly.
"Oh, well, he's on the track team," I replied.
"I noticed, you told me about a hundred times," she said, "Do you have a crush on him?"
"Well…" I said, not wanting to deny it but she took the hint right away.
"Oh you do!" She giggled.
"Yeah I do," I admitted.
I like Pony all right, he's so sweet, I liked him from the first day I met him, but I'm to shy to tell him. That's where Angela and I are different. If she likes a guy she goes after him, but when I like a guy I wait and see if he'll come after me, I'm not unattractive. I've got rusty- red hair and gray eyes, just like Keith's, I'm sort of tall for a girl and fair skin.
"I think you two would make a cute couple!" Angela said.
"Really?" I asked, but inside I'm screaming at her, telling her not to tell me such a thing, making me believe I had a chance with him. Anyway, I've heard that Pony likes Cherry Valance, probably one of the prettiest girls in school, so I probably don't have a chance with him.
After I got home from Angel's house I finished my homework in my bedroom and my desk. As I reached over to grab a pencil to write an English essay I accidentally grabbed my switchblade. I looked down at it, it's brown leather handle. I flicked it out and they smooth cold metal blade shot out. Two-bit had given it to me when I was in Junior High when he came home from the mall; he's really into shoplifting. Maybe I'll throw it at his head, I thought, just to scare him. I couldn't kill him, I know that, but I hate him that's it, I hate him. I hate him for abandoning me. I hate him for being happy without giving his own sister a second thought. I hate him for every blond he brings home. I hate him for being well liked. I hate him for being funny. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I know it's not true, I don't hate him, but it makes me feel better thinking I do.
Why can't I just hate him?
I took the switchblade and stared at the blade as it shined in the lamplight. I hate him, I hate mom, I hate dad, and I hate me. I watched, as if in slow motion, as the bladed came up to my left arm, and made a clean cut just below my elbow. The cut burned as I watched the blood swell in and drip down my arm, but for some reason I felt better. It was as if my hate escaped through my cut and out my body.
A few days later at a track meet, Pony and I were stretching together.
"Hey, what happened to your arm?" He asked curiously.
"Oh," I said looking at my left arm that now had several healing cuts on it, "A cat scratched me. I've never been good with cats."
"Oh, that sucks. You probably should go near any cats then." He said, not thinking much more of the cuts.
"Don't worry," I said, relieved he believed my lie. I better start wearing long sleeved shirts to run in now.
As the days rolled on, more cuts started appearing on my arms, an I simply discontinued wearing short sleeved shirt, so I can hide them.
The good news is that I have my very first race tonight. Angela, Tim and Curly told me they'd show up. I didn't bother telling my mom or Two- bit, I mean Keith, mom's always working, and Two-bit'll probably come anyway to watch Ponyboy run.
When I put my track uniform on I thought, "Crap, this thing's shot sleeved!" What am I going to do? There are cuts all over both of my arms! What excuse am I going to make if someone asked me what happened?
I didn't have enough time to think about it, Coach told us to get our fannies out on the field.
I walked on the field and just didn't look at anybody, holding my arms behind my back, hoping no one would notice.
"Ready, Ash?" Pony asked me and I just nodded, "Are you okay?"
"Fine," I replied and started to walk away.
"No you aren't, what's wrong?" He asked and grabbed my arm and gasped.
Crap, he noticed! "What happened to you?"
"I, uh, scratched myself," I replied dumbly. I pulled away and got in my place, I was one of the first runners of the race.
I crouched down, ready to run, when I noticed Angela, Curly, and Tim in the crowd in the stands. Angela waved to me and I smiled. Then I noticed that Two-bit was with Darry, Sodapop, Dally, Johnny, and Steve, probably waiting for Pony to run. I'll show him! I'll just show him what I'm made of. I heard the whistle and took off. I ran as fast as I could, everyone behind me, I was ahead of everyone. I ran and ran and ran and came in first place. The whole team cheered for me. I did it, I thought, the whole team likes me. The crowd roared.
"Good job, Ash," Coach said as I sat down, sweating.
"What did you scratch yourself on?" I heard a voice ask me. I jumped and turned to see Pony.
"Um, why?" I asked.
"It just seems pretty bad." He said, looking at my arms.
"It's not that bad." I replied.
"Does your mom or Two-bit know?" He asked.
I laughed bitterly, humorlessly, "Right, I told Two-bit everything, especially after he did this to me." I said.
"What?!" Pony asked, alarmed.
"No, he didn't cut me. Never mind what I said, it came out wrong." I said, knowing Pony wouldn't/couldn't understand what I was going through.
"Ash, I think you may need some serious help," Pony said.
"I don't. Look, just mind your own business, okay?" I said.
What was he trying to prove anyway? Why was he trying to get involved? Two-bit didn't care and neither do I. I won my track meet and that's all that matters, what do I do now? Nothing, there's nothing left for me to do, so why don't I just end it all? Maybe I will. I'm sick of running, sick of cutting, sick of hating and sick of pretending. Hate will always be there though unless I end it.
Goodbye mom, goodbye dad, goodbye Keith, goodbye Angela, goodbye Pony and goodbye me.
What is grace? Dancers have it, models have it, acrobats have it, but do athletes have it? Sometimes I feel like and acrobat, my mood swinging back and forth, sometimes I feel high, and sometimes low. Maybe I do have grace after all, Keith.
Grace, all women are supposed to have it. Grace, did I ever have it? Grace, do I still lack it? Grace.
After Ash finished writing down he last month or so in her life, she put down he pencil, picked up her switchblade and slashed both of her wrists, with what she hoped was grace.
"You died in grace, baby-sister," Two-bit told his sisters dead body. His younger sister was supposed to outlive him, he thought. His sister was dead now because he didn't pay attention to her, or so he read in her essay of her last month alive, but he had though it was that other was around. Dead by grace. That's what she wanted was grace, something he had teased her about when she was younger. "You have no grace, Ash" He'd laugh because she was a tomboy. She was dead now, and it was his family's fault, for no one was there for her when she needed them, and now she was in a coffin, waiting to be buried. Two bit sighed and told his sister he was sorry. Ashley Mathews, dead, by grace.
Life sucks here in the town I live in, but I guess any teenager would say that after her father left her family for her mom to support and she never sees her brother with whom she was at one time oh-so close to. Well if Keith, or as his friends call him Two-bit, would rather hang out with his friends than his sister so be it, I could care less. I have my own friends. My best friend is Angela Shepard, the younger sister of Tim and Curly Shepard. Sometimes I feel jealous of Angel because her brothers still pay attention to her, but like I said, I don't care.
So, Angela and I now are in the back of Tim's car, drinking sodas at the Dingo.
"Did you end up trying out for the track team?" Angela asked me knowing that I had been working my butt off to be prepared for tryouts.
"Yeah, I made it." I replied, but she didn't know that half the reason why I did it was for a boy, she would think that would be low of me.
"Good job, now I've got a future jock as a best friend," She said sarcastically.
"I never will be a jock, just a runner," I reassured her.
Angela seemed to have problems with the fact that I wanted to be on the track team, perhaps she was afraid I would turn into a…a…a…(Gulp)…a Soc! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! No I never will! I think, and hope, she knows that. Angela's my best friend I'd never do what Two-bit, I mean Keith, or my father did and abandon someone they're supposed to love. I do love Angela like the sister I never had.
"Did you hear we're having a pep rally tomorrow?" Angela asked.
"Oh, our first pep rally of high school! I'm going to cry!" I said, pretending to get choked up over a stupid pep rally. "I see pep rally's as something that just gives the stupid football team more freaking attention than they deserve. What about us runners? We work just as hard as the football players to be good at our sports! This is what I call injustice!"
"I swear Ash, you and Two-bit don't look that much alike but sometimes you sure act like him," Tim Sheppard said getting into the drivers seat of the car.
"Tim don't even say that!" I snapped suddenly taking Angela and Tim both off guard, "Don't even mention him to me!"
"What are you two in some sort of a fight?" Tim asked, his eyes wide. The situation would have been rather amusing to see that expression on Tim's face, but under these certain circumstances it wasn't.
"No," I replied and stared out the window, "We hardly ever communicate anymore, it'd be impossible for us to get into a fight."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know…" Tim said.
"Don't worry about it. He has the right to be with his friends all the time, I don't miss him I'm just being selfish I guess." I said.
"Do you not like his friends?" Angela asked.
"Oh, no, I like his friends," I said honestly but I didn't speak another word of the subject. I liked one of his friends very much, too much if you ask me. How can I like someone so much after it felt like he stole my brother away from me?
Keith and I were at one time best friends, especially when my father was still around. It was almost as if he was crazy about me. He loved taking me to the park and pushing me on the swings or going on the titter- totter with me, but once I reached Junior High and he reached High School we grew apart fast, rarely even speaking to each other. I envy Angela for her relationship with her brothers. Sure they do fight a lot, but at least they acknowledge that she's there, and a lot of the time they get along great. Angela is Tim and Curly's baby sister and they'd kill for her. I wish I had that relationship with Keith. But, it's like I said before I don't care.
Ah, my first track-meet ever. My coach is actually a pretty cool guy, he's really into the sport, and really cares about us as athletes not just our scores and making him look good, he wants us to be the best we can be. Being new to the team I don't know most of the team, but I did know one guy named Ponyboy Curtis, he's a friend of my brother.
"Hey Pony," I said when I saw him.
"Hey Ash, I didn't know you joined the track team," He said, surprised to see me.
"Yeah, well, here I am," I said as we started stretching.
"How's Two-bit?" He asked.
"I don't know, why don't you tell me, you talk to him more than I do," I replied, a hint of jealousy in my voice. I don't care, I told myself again.
"Really?" He asked, "But you live with him."
"Just because I live with him doesn't mean I talk to him, or better yet, he talks to me." I replied.
"Oh, I didn't know…" He said.
"Not man people do. It's probably because we're opposites. Two-bit, I mean Keith, is wild and outgoing and funny and carefree. I'm uptight, stubborn, and moody."
"Ash, you're not like that. You're a nice girl," He said.
"Thanks," Is all I said. Pony thinks I'm nice! Great!
After that I was in a good mood the rest of the day and Angela couldn't figure out what the heck had happened to me.
"What's with you today?" She asked as we "did homework" in her family room (we were really reading magazines and talking about boys)
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You've been talking about Ponyboy constantly," She replied flatly.
"Oh, well, he's on the track team," I replied.
"I noticed, you told me about a hundred times," she said, "Do you have a crush on him?"
"Well…" I said, not wanting to deny it but she took the hint right away.
"Oh you do!" She giggled.
"Yeah I do," I admitted.
I like Pony all right, he's so sweet, I liked him from the first day I met him, but I'm to shy to tell him. That's where Angela and I are different. If she likes a guy she goes after him, but when I like a guy I wait and see if he'll come after me, I'm not unattractive. I've got rusty- red hair and gray eyes, just like Keith's, I'm sort of tall for a girl and fair skin.
"I think you two would make a cute couple!" Angela said.
"Really?" I asked, but inside I'm screaming at her, telling her not to tell me such a thing, making me believe I had a chance with him. Anyway, I've heard that Pony likes Cherry Valance, probably one of the prettiest girls in school, so I probably don't have a chance with him.
After I got home from Angel's house I finished my homework in my bedroom and my desk. As I reached over to grab a pencil to write an English essay I accidentally grabbed my switchblade. I looked down at it, it's brown leather handle. I flicked it out and they smooth cold metal blade shot out. Two-bit had given it to me when I was in Junior High when he came home from the mall; he's really into shoplifting. Maybe I'll throw it at his head, I thought, just to scare him. I couldn't kill him, I know that, but I hate him that's it, I hate him. I hate him for abandoning me. I hate him for being happy without giving his own sister a second thought. I hate him for every blond he brings home. I hate him for being well liked. I hate him for being funny. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I know it's not true, I don't hate him, but it makes me feel better thinking I do.
Why can't I just hate him?
I took the switchblade and stared at the blade as it shined in the lamplight. I hate him, I hate mom, I hate dad, and I hate me. I watched, as if in slow motion, as the bladed came up to my left arm, and made a clean cut just below my elbow. The cut burned as I watched the blood swell in and drip down my arm, but for some reason I felt better. It was as if my hate escaped through my cut and out my body.
A few days later at a track meet, Pony and I were stretching together.
"Hey, what happened to your arm?" He asked curiously.
"Oh," I said looking at my left arm that now had several healing cuts on it, "A cat scratched me. I've never been good with cats."
"Oh, that sucks. You probably should go near any cats then." He said, not thinking much more of the cuts.
"Don't worry," I said, relieved he believed my lie. I better start wearing long sleeved shirts to run in now.
As the days rolled on, more cuts started appearing on my arms, an I simply discontinued wearing short sleeved shirt, so I can hide them.
The good news is that I have my very first race tonight. Angela, Tim and Curly told me they'd show up. I didn't bother telling my mom or Two- bit, I mean Keith, mom's always working, and Two-bit'll probably come anyway to watch Ponyboy run.
When I put my track uniform on I thought, "Crap, this thing's shot sleeved!" What am I going to do? There are cuts all over both of my arms! What excuse am I going to make if someone asked me what happened?
I didn't have enough time to think about it, Coach told us to get our fannies out on the field.
I walked on the field and just didn't look at anybody, holding my arms behind my back, hoping no one would notice.
"Ready, Ash?" Pony asked me and I just nodded, "Are you okay?"
"Fine," I replied and started to walk away.
"No you aren't, what's wrong?" He asked and grabbed my arm and gasped.
Crap, he noticed! "What happened to you?"
"I, uh, scratched myself," I replied dumbly. I pulled away and got in my place, I was one of the first runners of the race.
I crouched down, ready to run, when I noticed Angela, Curly, and Tim in the crowd in the stands. Angela waved to me and I smiled. Then I noticed that Two-bit was with Darry, Sodapop, Dally, Johnny, and Steve, probably waiting for Pony to run. I'll show him! I'll just show him what I'm made of. I heard the whistle and took off. I ran as fast as I could, everyone behind me, I was ahead of everyone. I ran and ran and ran and came in first place. The whole team cheered for me. I did it, I thought, the whole team likes me. The crowd roared.
"Good job, Ash," Coach said as I sat down, sweating.
"What did you scratch yourself on?" I heard a voice ask me. I jumped and turned to see Pony.
"Um, why?" I asked.
"It just seems pretty bad." He said, looking at my arms.
"It's not that bad." I replied.
"Does your mom or Two-bit know?" He asked.
I laughed bitterly, humorlessly, "Right, I told Two-bit everything, especially after he did this to me." I said.
"What?!" Pony asked, alarmed.
"No, he didn't cut me. Never mind what I said, it came out wrong." I said, knowing Pony wouldn't/couldn't understand what I was going through.
"Ash, I think you may need some serious help," Pony said.
"I don't. Look, just mind your own business, okay?" I said.
What was he trying to prove anyway? Why was he trying to get involved? Two-bit didn't care and neither do I. I won my track meet and that's all that matters, what do I do now? Nothing, there's nothing left for me to do, so why don't I just end it all? Maybe I will. I'm sick of running, sick of cutting, sick of hating and sick of pretending. Hate will always be there though unless I end it.
Goodbye mom, goodbye dad, goodbye Keith, goodbye Angela, goodbye Pony and goodbye me.
What is grace? Dancers have it, models have it, acrobats have it, but do athletes have it? Sometimes I feel like and acrobat, my mood swinging back and forth, sometimes I feel high, and sometimes low. Maybe I do have grace after all, Keith.
Grace, all women are supposed to have it. Grace, did I ever have it? Grace, do I still lack it? Grace.
After Ash finished writing down he last month or so in her life, she put down he pencil, picked up her switchblade and slashed both of her wrists, with what she hoped was grace.
"You died in grace, baby-sister," Two-bit told his sisters dead body. His younger sister was supposed to outlive him, he thought. His sister was dead now because he didn't pay attention to her, or so he read in her essay of her last month alive, but he had though it was that other was around. Dead by grace. That's what she wanted was grace, something he had teased her about when she was younger. "You have no grace, Ash" He'd laugh because she was a tomboy. She was dead now, and it was his family's fault, for no one was there for her when she needed them, and now she was in a coffin, waiting to be buried. Two bit sighed and told his sister he was sorry. Ashley Mathews, dead, by grace.