Disclaimer: Oh, how I wish I owned the sacred Harry Potter collection (particularly one James Potter and/or Sirius Black), but sadly, I do not. I'm just a poor pauper girl from the countryside of beautiful KY who enjoys writing fan fiction for fun. With all that said, I give you…
Searching
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
-"Yellow" by Coldplay
It had been a tradition – their tradition – for the past five years.
Every Valentine's Day morning, Lily Evans would rise at exactly eight o'clock, get dressed, and walk down to the Great Hall with her best friends Mary McDonald and Alice Prewitt (and maybe a significant other if luck was in her favor that year).
There, she would proceed to devour a tasty heart-shaped muffin, specially designed and decorated for the occasion by Hogwarts' hard-working house elves. Their mouth-watering treats proved to be the only bright beams of light on that blasted day.
More often than not, Lily found herself single around this time, so she was frequently left alone to her own devices. Unlike her, both Alice and Mary had doting male companions that had an oh-so perfect, romantic day completely sketched out for each of them.
Practically every year, Lily would sit at their little section of the Gryffindor table and wait for two strapping young men to come and escort her mates away. With a great sigh, she would wave a feeble goodbye, watching the happy couples meander out of the Great Hall, arm-in-arm.
After a fleeting mourning period (which had improved and lessened drastically with each passing year), she would finish up her breakfast and wait patiently for her tawny owl to drop any letters from home and the new print of the Daily Prophet. The drove would noisily flutter in and deliver the goods to their owners, which usually consisted of white, pink, or red gifts around this time of the year.
But not for Lily, oh no.
It was never as simple as that; it was never one of those conventional gifts of the normal seasonal colors.
It was yellow—blindingly brighter-than-the-sun, yellow. And it wasn't the conventional over-the-top gift.
It was a single sunflower. No note, no candy, just a beautiful flower.
And it wasn't like she had to ask who gave it to her in the first place.
For one, everything her admirer had given her (both in person and 'anonymously') was some shade of yellow or at least had a small amount of yellow in it.
A gold-chained necklace with a yellow rose charm; a syrupy-sweet love note written on yellow paper; a maroon and gold scarf for the bitter cold Quidditch game days that she reluctantly ventured out on.
Yes, strangely enough, yellow was lover-boy's signature color for her.
Furthermore, the source made no secret of his affection. He asked her out daily, propositioned her to the point of blackmail and bribery (those calamities were successfully spoiled), and hounded her every step with the same unwavering expression on his face.
One thing she knew for sure – if nothing else entirely, James Potter was determined and unyielding.
Regardless of his actions, – actions that would have any normal girl weak in the knees by now – Lily never surrendered. Where he was extremely persistent in his proposals, she was equally as relentless in her dismissals.
So while a now 17-year-old Lily waited at her typical seat at the Gryffindor table in the majestic Great Hall, she found herself oddly content that the day would begin in a ritual of sorts. It was comforting to know that some things wouldn't change in spite of the war that was brewing outside the castle walls.
But comfort wasn't the only reason she was at ease with the whole ordeal. Somewhere during the first term of her final year, she found herself becoming fast friends with James.
James.
This time last year, he was only Potter, but since they were chosen Head Girl & Boy (a delicious twist), they felt it was for the benefit of the school if they called a truce.
Since then, Lily had found herself doing the strangest things: opening up to him, spilling her secrets she'd never told her girl friends, laughing with him, and the barmiest of all, partaking in a little harmless flirting with him.
In spite of her logical side constantly lecturing about how it was very wrong, how it would only encourage his pursuit, she developed a crush. A big crush. A crush that would destroy the carefully crafted image she had worked so hard for (or so she thought) if word were to ever leak out.
So, she convinced herself that telling no one and writing her feelings down in her diary was the best approach. There, they would remain locked away and no one would know her dirty little secret. Still, it did nothing for the longing in her heart when she was near him, a feeling that went beyond the bounds of a tiny book.
She could hear the screeching of hundreds of owls as they soared through the sky and whizzed through the open windows. As usual, there were many gifts of red, pink, and white dropping from the owls to their respective receivers.
She looked around to see who got what. She watched as Sirius Black begun sorting his gifts from all of his admirers into individual stacks: food, cards, and miscellaneous.
Must've been wonderful.
She glanced at Remus & Peter who were doing the same thing on a lesser scale. James was nowhere to be seen.
She waited and waited, occasionally searching for her owl, expecting the sunflower to fall from the sky at any moment. After another two minutes has passed, she was beginning to understand that it wouldn't. Not today. Not this time.
She could feel the questioning stares upon her back. Much like herself, everyone else had come to expect the odd gift. It stood as a symbol that not everything had been tainted with age.
She could see the gleeful faces of all the girls who had prayed this day would come: the day when James Potter rejected his so-called 'one true love' and moved on to one of them.
The unthinkable had finally happened. And to be honest, she knew she deserved it. She was foolish and pompous to believe it would last for forever. There were only so many times he could give his all and receive nothing in return. Nothing was all she had ever given to him.
Suddenly, she realized why he wasn't at the table. He was with one of those girls who had dreamed of the moment when he would finally notice her and not the redhead sitting all by her lonesome.
He probably snuck off with her to Hogsmeade or was snogging her in an abandoned broom closet. He most certainly wasn't sitting around, pondering about her feelings and whereabouts anymore.
She looked down the table and saw Sirius Black smirking at her. Smirking. The prat had known what was going to happen all along. He knew what—or in this case, whom—James was doing and he was letting it be known that he was glad the ludicrous infatuation was finished. At least Peter and Remus respected her enough to not look at her.
Sensing hundreds of pairs of eyes on her, the professors included, she felt a crushing pain in her chest and could hear the most horrible sound: her own heart shattering. If only he could see her now, see first-hand the damage he had done. His vengeance for the public humiliation she had caused him in the past would be met and he could have a good, long laugh at her expense.
Maybe that's why he didn't come. Maybe he knew how devastated she would be and couldn't bare to witness it. Or maybe he just didn't care anymore.
Before her mind could register what her body was doing, she fled. She couldn't take it anymore. But where was she to go? There would be no privacy in the Gryffindor common room and if she went to the Head's room, she risked a chance at being greeted by him and his snogging partner on the couch or worse…the sounds from his private room.
She ran to the only place she was certain would be abandoned: the Black lake. After all, the clouds threatened snow and the odds of finding anyone (much less couple fancying a snog) out there were few.
She practically threw herself down on the log, not caring that it was saturated, and staring straight out in to the dark horizon as the tears fell freely. She was sure she could feel them turning into ice sickles. She didn't bother to look up, keeping her eyes trained on the thin black laces of her shoes.
"I knew you'd run."
Lily nearly fell off when she heard a voice, his voice.
For a split second, she'd thought she had imagined it, but when she turned, he stood before her like an illustrious sculpture of a god.
James Potter was standing upon a colossal rock that towered over the water, his dark hair hanging in his eyes and black robe gently blowing in the breeze. His features were so mysterious and rugged; he took her breath away. He looked utterly magnificent and powerful. She highly doubted that even Jane Austen could find the words to describe the boy—the man, before her.
"What are you talking about? I didn't run," she defended. He remained rooted to the spot on the rock, shaking his head at her arguing statement.
"Then tell me, Lily; why are you here in the freezing cold and not the warm Head's quarters instead? Or even the Gryffindor common room? Hogwarts has many rooms and passages for you to hide in. Why did you feel like coming out here, of all places?"
She was trapped. She knew it and she knew that he knew it. She refused to look him in the eye, refused to show him the depth of her emotions.
"You know why."
"Really? Because I don't think I do," he countered, his tone growing heavy and hard. "For years, I've tried to understand why you always run from me, Lily! You know, I can understand why you would've two years ago. I was a prat, Lily. I was a royal pain in the arse, okay?"
He yelled all of this, eyes wide and desperate. She had no time to respond before he was at it again.
"Is that what you wanted to hear? Do you need to hear me bleed it all out for you? Gods, I can't change who I was back then so I've been working on the person I am now. I want to be different. Not just because I know you want me to, but because I know I need it. I-want-to-change."
Lily really didn't know what to say. For once in her life, she was speechless around James Potter. She knew her feet were slowly and cautiously carrying her up the small trail of rocks leading to his giant one, but she wasn't sure what she would do when she got there so she kept herself at a safe distance. Running into a bloke's awaiting arms and professing her undying love for him just wasn't her thing.
"How did you know I'd run?" Her voice was soft, even to her, but he'd heard her clearly.
"Because I know you, Lily. I've always known you. Even before this year, this crazy year in which we've grown close and I've learned more about you, I knew you. I might not have understood up until this year, but I do now."
He paused, gathering his words, and she took a deep breath.
"I could tell your feelings for me had changed. It was in the way you looked at me, the way your eyes glittered. I could see it and I could feel it, even though you thought I didn't have a clue," he chuckled. "It was in the way you spoke to me. You called me by my first name, something you haven't done since first year.
"I knew what you would think when you didn't get the flower this morning, but I wanted to give it to you in person since this could be the last time I get chance. It hurt me to know that you would have to feel pain in order to truly see me, see what we could have together. You have no idea how tempted I was to take matters in my own hands. But I knew I couldn't. I knew that in the end it would have to be done by you.
"So I stand facing you now, offering you this single flower and my love, if you'll have it. I expect nothing in return from you. I never really have. I thought your eyes would, at long last, open and see what I've seen all along. I've learned that sometimes it's better not to wish for impossible things."
Her heart ached for the dejected boy standing before her, ached because she felt his pain; it had been hers that morning.
She ached because of the internal battle between her heart and mind. It was her turn to take the step, but the fear was alive and kicking.
What if she gave in and became another one of his playthings? She couldn't handle being tossed aside. Not by him.
But then their eyes locked and she could see it, feel everything he expressed in his speech. Anxiety, sadness, passion, lust, love…all were portrayed in the depths of his intense hazel stare.
She knew what she had to do; she couldn't move past this and pretend like it didn't matter. She didn't want the 'what ifs' or the 'I should haves' to corrupt her life. It was time to take a step forward. She needed a new chapter to write and now she'd found just the right inspiration.
A few years down the road…
It was a beautiful winter morning – the 14th of February, to be exact – in the modest village of Godric's Hollow.
Sunshine streamed through the blinds and curtains of the Potter's bedroom, instantly illuminating everything with its golden brilliance. Two figures were strewn across the King-size bed, the tangled cotton sheets covering their entwined, bare forms.
A question had plagued her mind since she received the gift all those years ago and had burned her mind once again when the rays of sun glided over James' handsome face. She had to know.
"What is your connection with me and the color yellow?"
James, who'd previously thought she was asleep, rolled over on his side to face her. His eyes roamed over her pale face and questioning emerald gaze, noting her genuine curiosity.
She was really expecting an answer.
Immediately, his face flushed; he certainly hadn't been ready for this.
It wasn't like he didn't have an answer, but to be honest, it was a little embarrassing to confess right to her face. Especially following the passionate night they had shared together. She could sense his embarrassment and gave him a small smile. Her left hand gently stroked his tempestuous black strands as she spoke.
"James, love, we've been married for well over a year and a half now and we have a beautiful baby. We've always taken pride in being brutally honest with one another and we never keep secrets. There's no need to feel embarrassed about telling me anything. In my own way, I've always loved you. I love you right now as we relax on this massive bed, and I'm pretty damn sure I'll love you long after you tell me the reason, so spill."
He gave her a nervous chortle before averting his eyes from her face and onto her left hand, now resting peacefully on the white, bare space between them. The engagement ring that he gave her a couple of months after graduating Hogwarts was dazzling in the sunlight.
He could remember the day he had bought it vividly. His eyes were immediately drawn to it that day when he had gone searching for the proper one with Sirius. He'd made rounds to every magical jewelry store he could think of and saw some remarkable rings, but it was a quaint Muggle store that had exactly what he was looking for.
It was nothing too extravagant in appearance (he knew Lily loved simplicity), but it certainly did not disappoint. Her friends had gasped and cried and carried on when he showed them a preview of the ring after telling them of his intentions.
There were four small clusters of white diamonds surrounding a larger Canary-yellow diamond in the middle, yet another symbolic gift. His heart had raced when he bought it and she nearly fainted when he revealed it.
Looking at it next to her wedding band, he couldn't defy the urge to bring her ashen hand to his lips and place a tender kiss over her slender ring finger. If anyone had told him that he would be in this position five years prior, he would've given him or her a hollow laugh and a solemn stare. But in fact, he was here with her, basking in the afterglow.
"If I tell you…will you promise not to laugh?" She could only nod as she watched him intently, all the while closing the gap and massaging his bicep with the palm of her hand.
"Do you remember the day we first met?" She nodded again.
"So do I," he grinned. "I had been so nervous that morning because everything was so uncertain. I was going to this new place, mixing with people who knew both more and less than I did. It was all very frightening, and I'm sure you can relate.
"My mum and dad assured me that things were going to be fine while we were at King's Cross, not yet at Platform 9 and ¾. Over and over again, they reassured me that things would go smoothly when I ran through the barrier, and sure enough, they did. But they had told me their good-byes on the other side and decided not to follow me through; both had busy schedules that morning. The nerves returned and I became this lost little boy again."
"I was scared," he confessed, laying his head on the pillow. "At that point, I began looking around, searching for anything recognizable. At the time, I really didn't know what I was looking for because my destination—the train—was in clear view. But looking back, I think I know now.
"I remember it happening all at once. I had looked to my right and there was this little girl, her back turned from me. My breath caught in my throat and I could've sworn my heart had stopped beating. Her bright red hair was streaming down her back like a river, but it wasn't what initially caught my eye. She was wearing a yellow sundress that tied up in little bows on her back and was spotted with little white flowers—sunflowers. She was positively fetching. There was a glow around her; everyone just seemed so…so plain in comparison.
"I wondered if she was an angel and I thought about walking over and asking her, but I knew I couldn't…shouldn't. The girl would think I was crazy. So I stared and stared until the train whistle brought me back to Earth."
"That was the day I fell in love with that girl. Not just because of her beauty – Merlin knows she is stunning – but the incredible feeling I got when I was around her. She was contagious and I knew I had to be near her. And since then, I've made every effort possible to do just that."
By the time he had finished with his tale, tears were sliding down Lily's face. She had known that he had loved her a few years before they'd finally gotten together in seventh year, but…wow. Still, after his beautiful words, another question entered her mind.
"What were you looking for? You said you didn't know at the time, but you know now."
His hand caressed her soft cheek, simultaneously wiping away her tears. He replied with no hesitation.
"You."
"What?"
"I was looking for you."
"But…how? I mean, you wouldn't have known what to look for, we'd never met before."
"Ah, see that's what had me confused as well. This is going to sound crazy, but I believe it's true. My heart knew what my eyes were looking for even if my mind did not. One way or the other, I was destined to find you."
Her words were stuck and her breath had been caught, much like his had been that day at King's Cross. All she could do was stare at the man before her and admire him. He had once been this gangly, immature boy with no real goals on his mind unless they involved Quidditch.
But now, he was tall and lean with a level of maturity that had, in certain circumstances, surpassed her own. He had always been irresistible to her, but never more so than right now.
So she did the only thing she was capable of doing at the moment.
She kissed him.
It wasn't the explosive kiss, the type of kiss that screamed lust and want, and it was nowhere close to the steamy kisses of the previous night, but it had a similar effect.
It was a meaningful kiss that one can only give to their true love, their soul mate. And that's what he was, the missing piece in the giant puzzle of her life. He had come along at the green age of 11 and completed her…she just didn't know it until six years afterward.
He broke apart first and gave her another quick peck on the lips before rising from the bed and stretching his sore muscles, sans sheet. Her eyes roamed over her husbands beautiful body. She took in the way the muscles of his shoulders contracted and released and how his torso twisted and turned. Her eyes traveled back up to his face to find his mischievous hazel eyes looking right back at her.
Caught red-handed.
He smirked, clearly delighted at catching her ogling him.
"As much as I'd love a repeat of last night, I believe I have to be at headquarters in roughly an hour." He kissed the top of her head, breathing her in. "But I can certainly promise you a wonderful night when I get home."
She smiled. "Well I certainly hope so…this is a very special day, you know. Not only is it Valentine's Day, the official holiday for love struck fools such as ourselves, but it's also the anniversary of the day we became a couple."
"Ah, yes. How I do remember that glorious day well. I knew you'd given in eventually." He winked.
With that, he ambled into the bathroom for a quick shower. On a slow day, she might've joined him, but since he only had an hour before work…well, it probably wouldn't have been the brightest move.
Lily sighed and reluctantly rolled out of the bed, pulling her nightgown over her head and then wrapping her robe around her. She walked to the room across from theirs and cautiously pushed open the door that was slightly cracked.
Six and a half month old Harry was nestled in his crib, sleeping so peacefully and sound that she almost started to worry. Then his little eyes, the same shape and hue of her own, fluttered open and attempted to focus on his mother as she hovered above him. Lily gave a little laugh as he cooed and stretched, reminding her so much of James that it was uncanny.
He threw his arms up for her and she happily obliged by pulling him out of the crib. This is happiness, she thought to herself as she swung Harry around, causing a joyful squeal to erupt from his mouth.
Moments later, she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her waist and she turned to meet the face of a fresh and extremely content James. Yes, this was definitely happiness.
"How you doin', little man?" James asked as he ruffled the little boy's hair. Lily found it rather funny that after all of the years she had fussed at James for tousling his hair, they were blessed with a child who had the same unfortunate condition. She had also taken to ruffling the untidy locks of both.
"I really hate to leave, but I must. I wish I could just say 'sod it all' and spend the rest of the day with the two of you." He sighed against her neck, making her tremble a bit. "This, right here, right now, is perfect. It's how I forever want to picture my life. Hopefully with a couple of more Potter's…" He trailed off, pretending to be subtle, which was laughable. As if James Potter could ever be subtle.
He leaned down to kiss the top of Harry's head and gave his hair one last raking for good measure. He then gave his attentions to Lily and brushed his lips against hers, barely teasing her lips with his tongue and assuring her of his love once again.
When she pulled out of the lip-lock, they were both breathless and supporting each other.
His forehead pressed against hers and their eyes were both closed when he whispered, "I love you, Lily."
Before she knew it, he was gone with a pop.
Damn apparition—she didn't even get to return the sentiments. She sat Harry back down in his crib and surrounded him with his toys. She needed to quickly wash up, get dressed, and fix his bottle. Luckily for her, he was an easily amused child and didn't put up much of a fuss.
Lily walked back into the master bedroom and was ready to change the sheets when she noticed something that hadn't been there moments ago.
On the pillow, in the exact spot where her head had rested that morning, was a brighter-than-the-sun sunflower. Her face almost split into from the smile.
But something was different.
Unlike all of the other times that he had done this at Hogwarts, there was a short note. Though the scribbles were in his slightly messy handwriting, she could make out the words clearly and her heart melted.
'I found what my heart was looking for.'
A/N: Yeah, it was fluffy and I was feeling really sappy when I wrote this. Judging by the awesome reviews I've received, there are a lot of saps just like me on here, hehe. Just a reminder: please review, it feels awesome to get feedback after putting a lot of thought and work into creating a story. Much love to those who have and will in the future :D Oh and I noticed where I had accidentally deleted the last line (or ff (dot) net did it for me...dun, dun, DUN!!!), but it is now fixed. Sorry for the inconvenience! Gracias.