Heart's Desire
Set later in the day that Travers and the Ministry wizards question Albus at Hogwarts in Fantastic Beasts Crimes of Grindelwald, and loosely ties in with the Mirror of Erised scene.
The Entrance Hall was bustling with noisy students as Albus strode though it.
So fixed were his thoughts on his destination, he barely noticed Minerva Mc Gonagall passing him with a quizzical look on her face. She might well be wondering why he wasn't heading into the Great Hall for dinner along with everyone else. But Albus didn't stop to chat – there was something he needed to do, something he could not put off any longer.
After taking the stairs down into the dungeons, Albus made his way through a maze of corridors towards a disused classroom. At the back of the room was a locked door. Taking out his wand, Albus traced an intricate pattern over the door, and placed his palm on the seemingly plain wood. With a click, the door unlocked. Taking a deep, steadying breath, Albus pushed the door open.
Inside was the Mirror of Erised.
Albus was confident that his magical security measures had kept out any curious students (or teachers). Indeed, the dusty room looked the exact same as always, and was in a secluded part of the castle that had long been neglected. The gigantic mirror loomed imperiously in the center of the room, an old sheet flung over it.
It was well over a year since he had last braved a look into the mirror, and tonight he had finally decided he needed to do it again.
Suddenly, Albus's resolve faltered. The mirror always lured him in with promises of seeing his heart's desire, but facing this harsh truth inevitably left him feeling more disheartened than contented.
Do I really need to do this? He wondered, his heart racing. What good does it do, except taunt me with something that I cannot have, something I never deserved?
Ever since that accursed Travers and his gang of Ministry officials had questioned him earlier about Grindelwald, he had not been able to get the man out of his thoughts. The familiar fusion of emotions simmered inside him –anger, hurt, regret… and stubborn residues of love. A love that had led to so much misery for Albus, he couldn't understand how he could still feel it.
But the burning desire to see it, to relive it again overwhelmed him, and Albus impulsively grabbed the sheet covering the mirror and pulled it off.
For several breathless moments, all Albus saw was his own expectant face reflected back at him. Then suddenly he was staring into the cold eyes of a seventeen year old Gellert Grindelwald.
Despite his good looks, there was something distinctly haughty about the young man's expression, and he held himself with a noticeable air of self-assurance – even arrogance. It was only after all these years, and through looking with more experienced eyes, that Albus could see this.
As a youth, he had only admired his friend's confidence. Gellert's innate charm and charisma certainly helped him overlook any doubts he may have had, as well as their shared passion for magical knowledge. And for Albus, there had been something so meaningful about finally finding a person he could consider his equal.
Then another man of the same age appeared in the mirror. He was tall and thin, with auburn hair and piercing blue eyes – a young Albus Dumbledore. Gellert turned his attention to him and smiled, his face softening. The look on young Albus's face as he gazed back at the other man was something akin to reverence.
What did he really feel for me? Was it all an act? Or did he truly love me in his own way?
Despite all that had happened after their ill-fated summer together, he could never forget the sense of completion he had felt with Gellert. It was the happiest he had ever felt in his life.
A part of Albus yearned to try to find that contentedness again with someone else. But he had learned a harsh truth in his misjudgement of Gellert: He did not deserve to love or be loved, not after what had happened to his sister.
Albus watched the mirror with a heavy heart as the younger versions of themselves created their blood pact - magically swearing never to fight one another. It had been Gellert's idea - a kind of magic from a by gone era that he had chanced upon in some ancient volume. Both boys had relished these old forms of magic. It seemed perfect that they should use it to pledge their allegiance together, before they embark on their mission to find the legendary Deathly Hallows and reform the wizarding world.
The tenderness with which they performed the ritual was agonising to watch. The act looked intimate and almost sensual – both closed their eyes as they clasped hands to share their blood.
The mirror had shown Albus this scene many times before. It had been a time of so much promise of the greatness the two wizards could achieve together. How many times had he relived this very moment, when he had believed anything was possible with this man at his side?
It was only after making the blood pact that everything had gone horribly wrong.
As Albus's thoughts strayed to the tragedy of what had happened next, Gellert's image in the Mirror of Erised faded away, and was replaced by a small teenage girl, with messy auburn hair, bright blue eyes and a beaming face.
Ariana Dumbledore.
She ran up to her brother in the mirror, grabbing hold of his hand - a gesture which did not seem to bother the young Albus as it had done in real life. Ariana excitedly held up her wand, took a deep breath, and uttered a soundless incantation.
A small silvery shape emerged from the girl's wand, and fluttered wildly around them. It finally rested on Ariana's shoulder and its outline became clear – a tiny, perfectly formed hummingbird.
Albus's heart soared with pride, even as his younger self congratulated his sister and pulled her into an embrace. She was a gifted witch indeed to have produced a Patronus at fourteen years of age.
But then the cold reality washed over Albus - Ariana had been an Obscurial, a condition that developed after her trauma of being attacked by a group of muggle boys. The suppression of her own magic lead to dangerous outbursts which she could not control. Their mother Kendra Dumbledore had decided it was best to keep the girl house bound, lest she accidentally harm anyone.
The real Ariana had never gone to Hogwarts, never learnt to control her magic; never had a chance to overcome her illness and reach her full potential. And it was all Albus's fault - his belief in his own importance, in Grindelwald, and in the infernal greater good.
His eyes burned as he pressed his hands against the cold mirror, wishing more than anything that he could sink through the glass, into a world where his sister was alive, where he didn't have to endure the knowledge that he had destroyed his own family.
How was it fair that love could lead to so much devastation?
If only he had been able to properly fight Gellert all those years ago, when he had attacked Aberforth in the Dumbledores' house in Godric's Hollow. His blunt, outspoken brother had been disparaging when Albus and Gellert told him they planned to travel through Europe in search of the Deathly Hallows. But he was furious when he heard they intended to take Ariana with them, so that Aberforth could continue to attend Hogwarts.
Aberforth had viciously called them both fools, and declared he would never allow them to drag his sister around like baggage on their mad quest. He had pointed his wand at them, swearing that they would have to fight him if they wanted to go anywhere near Ariana again.
As aggravated as Albus was by his brother's remarks, he was shocked when Gellert, looking as calm and controlled as ever, raised his own wand. Aberforth panicked and shot a spell at him, which he easily deflected. Then a cruel smirk twisted Gellert's mouth as he uttered a single word that would change everything.
"Crucio!"
Albus was frozen with horror as he watched Aberforth writhing on the floor in agony. He had never before seen an unforgivable curse performed. For a surreal moment, Albus convinced himself that he was in a nightmare, because the truth was too devastating to comprehend.
But one look at Gellert made the terrible reality of the situation finally hit him. The expression on his lover's face had been unnerving – his handsome features set with an unnatural calmness. Then he spoke, his voice perfectly rational, as if he were simply sharing a new idea with his friend, and not torturing a teenage boy.
"You see Albus? This is the sort of cowardly scum we're up against. Wizards scarcely worthy of the title, too afraid to rise up against the muggles and claim their birthright!"
All Albus's fantasies of achieving power and glory with this man were shattering. It had all happened too fast, he could hardly process how everything had gone so wrong in a matter of moments.
Just as Albus drew breath for an incantation to stop Gellert, Ariana burst into the room.
Having heard her brother's screams from the basement that was her bedroom, she had broken out to try to help him. For a moment she stood in the doorway, her wide eyes taking in the scene. Alarmingly, her slight form was blurred with a dark, cloudy quality - the telltale sign that her Obscurius was fighting to take control of her.
"Get away from him!" she had screeched at Gellert, her voice distorted with the power threatening to overwhelm her.
Ariana's appearance seemed to shatter Gellert's composure. He had never seen her take on her Obscurial form before, but Albus had told him about her condition, and how she had accidentally killed their mother. He pointed his wand at the girl.
Panicking, but finally coming to his senses, Albus moved in front of his sister, and raised his own wand towards Gellert.
In the split second before they had both fired spells, Albus thought Gellert looked afraid. He later wondered was it from fear of facing his friend or because he had remembered their blood pact. Unfortunately, the pact had been the last thing on Albus's own mind as he defended his sister.
The details of exactly what had happened next were hazy in Albus's mind. He remembered a deafening sound as the two spells collided, and a bright white light. The spells seemed to rebound off each other in different directions, judging by the crashing noises of objects around the room.
When he opened his eyes, he realised he must have instinctively cast a Shield Charm on himself, as he was unharmed, except for a ringing in his ears. Once his eyes adjusted after the searing light, the first thing he saw was a figure hurriedly leaving the room. Gellert. Albus almost called out to him, but then he noticed a still figure on the ground, amongst the dust and debris of the wreckage.
Albus froze, just as he had when Gellert had tortured his brother. Dread was slowly seeping into every inch of his body, immobilising him as effectively as if his blood had turned to ice.
She's not… she can't be…
"Ariana!"
Aberforth pushed past Albus, limping towards the prone body of their sister. He gave a cry of despair as he cradled her still body in his arms.
A strange numbness had seeped over Albus. There was too much too feel, too much to process; he couldn't handle it. How could he possibly move on from this chaos?
But as dark and lonely the next few years were, he had eventually managed to accept that his life hadn't stopped, and he tried to lose himself in his magical research and studies. He sought out a post at Hogwarts, hoping he could still do some good by teaching. Nobody except him, Aberforth and Grindelwald knew the truth of Arianna's death, and Albus carried the guilt of it around like a heavy weight.
Would his sister still be alive, if they had never made the blood pact? Would the fight have gone differently if the spells had not rebounded? These questions haunted Albus for all these years, a constant nagging that ate away at his soul, a wound that would never heal.
And now the pact prevented him from openly challenging Grindelwald. It shamed Albus to admit it, but it had almost been a relief having a valid reason not to confront his old friend and lover.
Albus shuddered. His own words were currently being used by Grindelwald as his slogan in his reign of control across Europe. For the greater good. That he had played a part in shaping the man's tactics sickened him.
They call me the greatest wizard of the age, Albus thought bitterly. If only they knew the mistakes I've made… the mistakes that I'm still making.
What kind of man am I, to not even try to stop this madman? When I know I could be the only wizard capable of defeating him?
A coward…
A coward afraid to confront my past failings.
The intense shame he had battled with for years rose up with devastating force.
He had used Ariana as a justification for his plans with Gellert all those years ago. He wanted to protect her, create a world where vulnerable witches and wizards like her could receive the help they needed, without being considered a threat to the Statutory of Secrecy.
But it had taken Ariana's death to realise how selfish and arrogant his true motivations were. Helping Ariana would just have been an added benefit to the glory of re-shaping the wizarding world with Gellert, a man who seemed to have offered him everything he had ever dreamed of.
But the Gellert he had fallen in love with was never real – intense infatuation had led to Albus only seeing the man's best characteristics, and purposely ignoring anything bad.
Did he ever really love me at all?
Albus was quite certain that Gellert's eagerness for making a blood pact, proposed as a declaration that neither ever wanted to hurt the other, as well as a symbol of their love, was just a ploy. Gellert probably had fears, even then, that he and Albus might part ways, and wanted to safeguard against such an event. And Albus was naïve enough to be so easily manipulated.
Every time Albus had come here to gaze into the Mirror of Erised, he tortured himself with thoughts about how events could have gone so differently. But now he finally felt like something had changed.
Albus couldn't alter the past, no matter how much he wished for it. But he was presented with an opportunity to make amends - to finally accept his past, and to actively do something in some small way to atone for his misdeeds.
I have to defeat Grindelwald.
An unexpected wave of relief washed over Albus at his resolution. He would not stand by any longer and allow innocent people to be hurt or misled by the "greater good" deception. He would do whatever it took to bring the man down.
He would start by getting his hands on the vial that held the blood pact, which Grindelwald was no doubt protecting with his life. Perhaps there was some way to break or undo their magically binding oath, so that he could openly confront Grindelwald himself. He couldn't risk any more accidents if the blood pact prevented them from dueling again.
But he was going to need help for this plan to work. The Ministry had banned him from leaving the country, and although he was confident he could bypass their security, if he was caught he would be risking both his reputation and his position as a Hogwart's teacher. Never mind they might try to arrest him. Not that they would actually succeed, but it would still make things very complicated.
No, Albus already had someone in mind to ask for help. Newt Scamander – a man he held in high regard, and who certainly wasn't treated with the respect he deserved by the wizarding community. Albus privately wondered if Newt was right to spend more time with magical creatures than humans – they were often less dangerous.
As Albus glanced one last time into the Mirror of Erised before leaving the room, it heartened him to see that it supported his new resolution. It now simply showed Albus, no longer seventeen years old but as he was now – holding the blood pact vial aloft as he cast a spell that destroyed it.
Even as his heart soared with triumph at the sight, Albus wished there was also a way to destroy his love for the man he would eventually have to defeat.
Thanks for reading! This is my first story in a few years, but I really felt compelled to write something about Albus/Gellert, and I like the popular theories that Ariana was an Obscurial, and that the blood pact caused her death.
Please let me know what you think, all feedback is very welcome! :D