River in the Wonderverse
Based on the novel, Alice in Wonderland with influences from the Disney movie and Tim Burton's rendition
Summary: River decides to follow a curious rabbit, only to tumble into a crazy 'verse full of odd creatures that look like her crew and other familiar faces
Timeline: Post-BDM
Ships: Mal/River; Mal/Inara; Wash/Zoe; Simon/Kaylee; and others!
A/N: For those who haven't read the books, Tweedledum and Tweedledee are really in the sequel, Through the Looking Glass. I thought I'd put this here to make some sense of a joke in a later chapter, just in case.

-.-.-

River was getting very tired of sitting by her brother on the bank, and of having nothing to do. Once or twice she had peeped into the book her brother was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, 'and what is the use of a book,' thought River, 'without pictures, conversation, or formulas of relativity in relation to respective points of centrifugal force throughout the 'verse?'

The planet they had landed on was the dullest in all of the Red Sun. While the others had fun things to do, Simon insisted that she stay with him. She stuck out her bottom lip and batted her eyes at her captain until he caved, forcing the older Tam to take her out and about for the day.

So, there they were on the bank of a brook—it was too small to be a stream and too large to be a creek—and she was still uninterested. Simon brought along some book she would have read when she was five years old. He had his serious face on, which gave her a mischievous idea. She gingerly put her bare foot into the water, mentally calculating the angle and force required, and splashed him. The muddy water found its mark on his face and perfect white shirt. He lowered his book and scowled at the stains.

"River—"

"Got you."

"Brat," he smirked, quickly returning to anger. "Do you know how hard it is to do laundry out here? This was my last clean shirt!"

"And vest. Has spots. Like a Dalmatian."

"Dalmatian?"

"Black and white dog from Earth-that-was. White fur, black dots. Woof."

He grimaced. "I don't want the stains to set. Let's go back to the ship."

"No. Captain said I could stay out."

"Well, I'm your brother, and I say we're going back."

"Not your ship. I'll be good. Only ninety-two and three thousand, five hundred, forty-four ten-thousandth meters from the ship."

"We're in the middle of nowhere. What if—"

She sighed and adjusted her dress, cutting him off, "Eighteen now. Secret's out. Safe."

"But River…" he faltered, already loosing the argument.

"Don't you trust me?" she pouted.

"Of course I do, mei-mei."

"Then I can wait here?"

He frowned, but nodded. "If you leave, you will be punished. I won't let you fly the ship."

"Not your ship. Captain likes it when I fly. Won't listen to you."

"Since when did Mal like you so much?" She grinned and he held his hands up. "Never mind. I'll just ask him…"

Simon wandered off and she stretched out in the warm sun. A soft rustling caught her attention and she looked around. No thoughts came to her, so it had to be an animal of some sort. She was about to ignore it, but a large, white rabbit hopped right over her. It wasn't any rabbit. No, this rabbit was sporting a shiny, brown vest. Not only that, but it talked.

"I'm late! Oh ruozhi hou duolou, I'm late!"

Her brow drew in confusion. How did the rabbit have Simon's voice?

She stood and looked towards the ship. Simon was probably busy confronting the captain, so she had some time to see what was up with the bunny. She began to chase after it, leaping gracefully over logs and ducking under brush. The rabbit continued to hop until it reached a hole beneath a dead oak tree. It paused and then vanished through the opening. She stood on the edge of the pit, gazing downward. The ledge gave way and she began to fall.

She tumbled down and down, further and further into wherever she was going. Strange things floated around her, as if gravity didn't exist. Of course, it did, the laws of logic said so. Nothing was logical about this predicament, she knew. There was a rabbit in a vest with Simon's voice, and the dimensions of the hole were in no way correct or consistent with the dimensions and density of the surroundings.

She tumbled down and down, further and further into the curious pit. Objects came at her from all angles: Jayne's guitar, playing by itself; fruity oaty bars, complete with singing girls; several apples, all with bites out of them; pages from Book's Bible, ripped out and corrected; a few of Wash's dinosaur toys, the stegosaurs and the T-rex; Kaylee's jacks, with the ball; Simon's needles, full of soothers; Captain's coat, waving at her; and finally, a cow.

She tumbled down and down, further and further into something flat and solid. The falling had stopped, and she found herself on the floor of a small room. Doors of all shapes and sizes lined the circular walls. She tried to open them all, but they were all locked. Then, she attempted to kick them down, but nothing worked. Her feet took her backwards as she assessed the structural components of the room, constructing an escape route. She ran into a small table with a key and vile on it.

The key was like any other key, but she could tell just by inspecting the ridges which door it opened. However, there was a problem. The door was only big enough for say, a rabbit to get through. She sighed and found the vile, which read, "Drink me." It didn't seem safe, given her mistrust in all things drug related. She sniffed it and all it seemed to be was a shot of Kaylee's engine wine. Wine wasn't something she was supposed to have, but a little bit wouldn't hurt…

It ran hot down the back of her throat and she quickly dropped it, coughing and sputtering. Now she saw why it was called 'engine' wine; only the engine enjoyed it. Then, she realized that the room was moving. It was growing larger—no, she was growing smaller.

Well, the door was easy to get through, but she failed to grab the key to open it. It wasn't a problem. She easily scaled the table and retrieved it, landing silently on the ground below just moments later. A quirky cake, no bigger than a .22 caliber bullet, sat on the floor on a neat tray. There were Chinese characters on the frosting.

"Eat me," she read aloud. "Logically speaking, if the wine would cause my size to decrease at a rapid velocity of twelve centimeters per second, there is a high probability that the cake would do the opposite and cause me to increase in height."

She pinched a corner of it off and placed it in her dress pocket for safe keeping. Then, it was the simple matter of using the proper force and the pull of the planet's core to lift the cumbersome key into the keyhole and turn it. Once she did, the door seemed to magically open, leading her into an entire new world of peculiarities and oddness.

(ruozhi hou duolou- retarded monkey poop)