Disclaimer: Spike and Buffy belong to Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind it
all!
Title: "Always"
Feedback: obsessed_spike_freak_02@yahoo.com
Characters: Spike/Buffy, Dawn & Willow
Spoilers: "Showtime"
Summary: What should've happened at the end of "Showtime"
Author's Note: Okay, so after watching that episode, I was so disappointed at the end! It was an awesome episode, but I was expecting so much at the end! Well, this is what I thought should've happened.
Always
"Here endeth the lesson!" Buffy stated as she ended her lecture to the Slayers in Training.
The young girls and half of the Scooby Gang made their way down to Buffy and followed her out of the construction site and back to her house. The girls talked non-stop on Buffy's fighting style and how strong she was. Dawn just smiled, as she knew her sister could do it. She wanted to say, "I told you so!" but decided not too. She realized that they needed to see Buffy in action and see her beat the Turok-Han for them to believe that they could still win.
Dawn broke into a little sprint and caught up with her sister. She took Buffy's hand and gave it a little squeeze and smiled. "I knew you could do it!"
"Thanks, Dawnie," she smiled.
"I figured it out. I figured out what you, Willow, and Xander were up to. That was pretty awesome," she exclaimed. Her face grew serious. "Buffy, why didn't you tell me? I thought I was part of the Gang now?"
"Sorry, Dawn. I just. We needed you all to believe that. I never, not for one second, doubted that you didn't think we could do this. You are part of the Gang, much to my dismay," Buffy smiled. "Promise, I won't keep you in the dark anymore." Buffy squeezed her little sister's hand back.
"So, what'll we do now?"
"Now?" she paused. "Now you guys go home."
"What about you?"
"Me? I'm going to change and then I'm going to get Spike," she said seriously.
Dawn thought for a moment. "Do. Do you think he's still alive?"
Buffy hadn't let herself think anything but that fact. She knew deep down that she needed Spike to be alive and not just to help them with the First, but for her. She put forth a smile. "Yes, I still believe he's alive."
One of the Slayers called out Dawn's name and she walked back to talk with the young girl.
Buffy watched her sister join the other girls. "He has to be," she stated silently to herself.
Willow stood outside Buffy's door with the first aid kit. She knocked gently. "Buffy, it's me. Can I come in?"
"Yeah, Will, just a sec," Buffy called to her friend as she got a white shirt from the closet. She walked over and opened the door. "Hey, that for me?" she smiled as she began buttoning up her shirt.
"Hey. Yeah it is," the witch smiled. "You want me to go with?"
Buffy smiled genuinely. "No, I think I better go alone just incase there's trouble."
"You ready to get bandaged up before you ruin the new shirt you just put on?" Willow asked as she sat down on Buffy's bed.
Buffy finished buttoning her shirt and sat down next to Willow. "Yeah, doctor me up!" she managed to say with a smile.
Willow took the tweezers, peroxide, and medical tape out of the kit. Buffy turned and sat facing her best friend. Willow poured some peroxide onto a cotton ball and gently touched the cut on Buffy's face. Buffy tensed at the peroxide met her face.
"Sorry," Willow smiled.
"It's okay. That stuff really burns! I should be immune to it by now! All the time's I've had to use it."
"Yeah, too bad your Slayer powers don't help out with that." Willow finished cleaning the cut and dried the surrounding area with a tissue. She cut the pieces of tape into small strips in order to place them like a butterfly bandage.
Buffy sat silently as her friend applied the tape. Her mind was on Spike and nothing but Spike at that moment. Her mind went back to that night when Spike had asked her to do what she knew she never could.
"Buffy, you have to kill me!" he had stated. "You have to do it! These chains won't hold me forever."
"No! I won't." she couldn't bring herself to say it. "I can't do it, so please don't ask me again."
"You have too. You've never seen the real me!"
"Spike, what are you talking about? I've seen the real you."
"No, you haven't. Do you know what I could do to you? You haven't met the real Spike. The other reason why I'm called William the Bloody, and I'm not talking about my poetry. I'm talking about killing, ruthlessly, for no reason at all. Not to survive, not even for Dru when she was sick."
Buffy looked at him, trying to see in his eyes if he were telling her the truth. Trying to see the man she knew he had become. "Spike, please," she pleaded softly.
An evil smirk appeared on his face as he sauntered closer to her. "Do you know what I've done to girls Dawn's age? I." his voice broke and he couldn't tell her, he could never tell her.
"Spike I know what you're trying to do, and it's not working! I'm not going to!"
"DAMN IT, BUFFY! FOR ONCE, WHY CAN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?" he yelled, his voice teetering towards breaking. *Why can't you just do it! If you don't love me, just go it!* His voice cried out inside. *Just do it!* As he looked into her eyes, so full of hope and acceptance, he wanted to scream.
"Spike," Buffy said softly, cupping his face in her small hands. "I'm not going to kill you because I believe in you."
As much as he wanted to hug her and take her in his arms, he had to stay strong. *You have to convince her!* His voice boomed throughout his head. "No, you don't. You just don't have the balls to do it! You know you want to! Do you know what the real me could do to you? Last summer was nothing! I could."
This time Spike really couldn't bring himself to finish. Flashes of the attempted rape burned through his mind, causing his eyes to glass over. "Don't!" Spike barked as Buffy attempted to reach out to him. "I'm not worth the air I don't breathe."
"Spike, I don't hate myself anymore. I don't hate you. I forgave you a long time ago. I do believe in you. I've seen you change. I saw you change a long time ago, I just couldn't admit to myself."
"That was the bleedin' chip."
"No, it wasn't and I know you don't believe that. In fact, you've told me that on numerous occasions. I know you. I know I believe in you because I saw you change. I saw you try to become a better man, and it wasn't because of the chip. It was because of you. Because of what's in here," Buffy said placing her hands on his chest, over his heart.
She knew she could never do it. Even when she had the chance to, she knew she couldn't. They had always had some type of strange bond, ever since he helped her stop Angel and Dru. She just about had a heart attack when he spoke those words to her, demanding that she do it. She remembered his face when she told him she no longer hated him. She remembered the total look of surprise when she told him she believed in him. She wanted to say so much more to him, but they had been interrupted, just like her thoughts now where.
"What?" she asked.
"Where'd ya go there, Buffy?" Willow asked.
"Oh, sorry, Will. I was just thinking. You done?"
"Yeah. Buffy," she said softly. "Do you think he's still alive?"
Buffy looked at Willow. "Yes, he is. He has to be." Buffy stood up and walked over to the mirror to check out her face. "He has to be."
Willow's heart broke as Buffy spoke those last words again with such hope. "Yeah, he's strong. He knows you won't leave him there."
Buffy turned around and faced her friend. "Really? Do you think he knows that? I, we don't know what's happened to him. What if the First has his mind so warped, he doesn't even know who he is? Who we are? What if the Turok-Han killed him?" Buffy felt all the what-ifs flooding her mind.
Willow stood up and walked over and placed her arms around Buffy. She held her tightly. "Buffy, he's strong." She found herself reassuring Buffy now. "Like you said, he's still alive. I know he is." Willow smiled as she broke the embrace.
"Yeah, what was I thinking? Of course he is. I better go, it's been fifteen minutes and the First probably already knows I killed His favorite pet!"
Buffy and Willow walked out of her room and down stairs. "C-ya soon!" Willow called out as Buffy ran outside. Willow closed the door and sighed as she leaned against it. "I hope he's still alive!" she said quietly.
***
Buffy heard Willow call out, but what the young witch said did not register in her head. Buffy ran through the streets of Sunnydale, taking all the shortcuts she knew to get to Spike faster. She paused to catch her breath a few blocks away from the empty Christmas tree lot before taking off again. As she ran images of herself and Spike flashed in her head like a silent movie.
The memories started off with Spike sitting next to her the night she found out her mom had cancer, to the first time he told her he loved her, to when Glory had almost killed him when he wouldn't give up who the Key was and then to when she kissed him for the first time afterwards. Next was the night she died when he told her she treated him like a man, to when she came back from the grave and he gently bandaged her bloodied hands. To the first time they had sex and then to the first time they had made love that was pure, sweet, and innocent.
Then came all the times when he just sat and listened to her, to when they would talk after having sex before she would run away from him, to when he told her he loved her and she actually believed him. Then their break up and his leaving her and the tragedy that caused his behavior. The night she found out he had a soul and had went through Hell to get it, to when she found out he was feeding again, to that last night when he begged and demanded her to kill him. To her telling him she believed in him and how his expression softened at her words, and then finding him missing. She remembered how she worried about him when no one could see her. She remembered how he was there for her all the time and never expected anything from her in return.
Buffy pushed the memories from her head as she reached the hole in the ground where the cave was. Her heart picked up its pace. She felt as though it would fly out of her chest if it beat any faster or harder. Anxiety rushed over her as bad thoughts crept into her mind. All the what- ifs screamed out once more: What if he wasn't there? What if the First was able to make him evil again? What if she was to late? What if he was already dead?
"Buffy, stop thinking that way!" she commanded herself out loud. She looked around and saw no Bringers. "Please still be here! Please!" she pleaded.
Buffy jumped down and landed on her feet as silent as a cat. She stood still listening for any sounds of the Bringers, the First, or any other foot-soldiers It might have recruited to do It's dirty work. After a few moments when she was satisfied no one or nothing was around, she took off running. Buffy came to a forked halfway into the tunnel and decided to go left. She came across a single Bringer and easily beheaded him.
"Oh, that's a nice new toy!" she said as she picked up the weapon. "Thanks for the addition to my collection." She stepped over the dead Bringer and headed back in the opposite direction. Once again she found herself pleading for Spike to still be there and okay.
***
Spike stood, still bound to the cave walls at his wrists. His head and arms felt as heavy as anvils. He wished he could lie down on the floor. His head hung low and there was evidence of both old and new beatings on his body. His chest still bore the ritual marks and was just starting to slowly turn to scars. His left eye and side of the face were swollen from the Turok-Han's continuous and vicious beatings at the request of the First; who at the moment was still impersonating Buffy.
Spike's eyes adjusted from the dream he was having to his bleak surroundings as he sensed someone approaching. He slowly lifted his head slightly to the left and looked at the figure cautiously. Spike's heart screamed out full of joy upon seeing the figure. Buffy, his one true love, hadn't let him down after all. She had indeed come for him. Spike had known deep down, no matter what mind games the First tried to play, that his Buffy wouldn't just leave him to be tortured and possibly killed by the First and His psychotic bodyguard.
"I knew you would come! I knew you wouldn't leave me! I told Her you would come!" He wanted so desperately so tell her those words, but he knew he didn't have the strength for his brain to command his mouth to work.
Spike sighed defeated, as the figure came directly into his field of view. His heart broke when his eyes fell upon a Bringer knife in her hands. His hope vanished and the happiness he felt disappeared quicker than they had arrived. Another small silent sigh escaped that was inaudible. Spike was not ready to be so easily defeated and fooled. He tried his best not to let his disappointment show. He wasn't going to give Her that satisfaction again.
Spike mustered up all the strength he had left and stood taller and straighter as his stare bore into Her. His defiance shone through his demeanor.
"A knife now is it. What'll." he paused, his tone still defiant. "What'll that." he tried to laugh it off, however his words and breaths were rushed. "You. You can't hurt me. You're. You're just a bloody figment, you are. You're just." Spike stopped as She stepped closer and looked at Her out of the corner of his eye.
His gaze shifted in the opposite direction as She stepped into his personal space. Buffy reached up and cut his right wrist free from its leather bounds. Spike was too weak to hold his arm up, so it fell onto Buffy's left shoulder. He gripped her for support and discovered she was just as real as he was. A look of surprise formed on his face as he touched her. Spike stared intensely into her eyes as she moved to cut his left wrist free. Spike couldn't believe it as a rush of emotion flooded over him. His face lit-up as he remembered that she wouldn't leave him. A small smile formed as he started to cry.
Buffy looked at him sincerely, trying hard not to lose control of her emotions as she cut him free. She never thought she'd be so happy to see him. She had prepared herself for the worst, but as soon as her eyes fell upon him, all those thoughts left her. Her heart wanted to hold him in her arms, but her heard was telling her to free him and leave. She wanted to say so much to him, but she couldn't find the words.
She never flinched when he touched her, which was a sign that she was over being skittish around him. She looked into his eyes as he started to cry and wondered what he had gone through since he had been taken from her home those many nights ago. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but every fiber of her being was telling her to get him out before the First or any Bringers arrived.
Spike had so much he wanted to say to her, but he was so overwhelmed by his emotions and the tears that were cascading from his eyes, he could not. His voice temporarily left him and all he could manage was a rushed soft, "Oh." He hung his head low as the tears continued to fall.
Buffy placed her arm firmly around his waist to keep him from losing his balance and falling to the ground. She smiled quickly as he draped his arm around her neck and shoulders. He leaned into her as they made their way out of the cave and into the main entrance. Spike's heart filled with hope and joy as he held on tightly to her, not ever wanting to let go.
Spike and Buffy walked in silence as they crossed the lot and made their way onto the streets of Sunnydale. Spike's emotions were still running rampant throughout every inch of his body. He felt a boost of energy course through his veins, when he knew there should be none. He had been concentrating so hard during his captivity on not letting the First break his spirit, that he didn't have time to think about feeding or eating.
The First tried to make him feed off humans, but Spike refused to do so. In fact, the thought of it made him even more defiant. Spike's defiance to the First caused brutal beatings by the Turok-Han, but he didn't care. He could stand the physical pain, even though his vampiric healing ability seemed to have left him since it wasn't helping much. What he couldn't stand was the look on Buffy's face when she found out he was feeding again. So every time the First thought it would weaken him by dangling blood in front of him, it only fueled his defiance even more.
Spike walked with his head somewhat low because his eyes were unable to adjust to the bright lights of the street lamps. The tears finally stopped flowing as the couple made their way onto Main Street. Spike felt the wind dance in and around the open wounds on his chest as he shivered. He knew he had broken ribs and was thankful that he didn't have to breathe to survive. He was also thankful it was the middle of the night and no one would see them.
Buffy's arm was still wrapped firmly around Spike's waist as they walked. Her other hand held his close to her shoulder to keep it from falling off. She could sense how weak he was from the beatings, by how pale he looked, and by how much colder than usual he felt. What little energy he got from the rescue was quickly used trying to get out of the cave. Buffy could see that many of his ribs were broken as well. She silently cursed the First for all it had done to Spike. Now she wished she would have made the Turok-Han suffer before slaying him. Buffy wished she would've gotten to him sooner than she had.
Buffy and Spike turned onto Revello Drive and in no time were climbing up the front steps. Spiked seemed nervous as Buffy removed her arm from his waist to unlock the door. He felt weak and dizzy so he gripped the railing to steady himself. As he sat down on the ledge he closed his eyes to stop everything from spinning. As the spinning stopped, he realized that his head felt free and clear. The excitement from the rescue and the escape caused him not to think about all the voices. He sighed as he kept his eyes closed, not wanting the silence to fade away.
Buffy unlocked the door and saw that everyone inside was asleep. As she turned to take Spike's hand, she found that he was no longer by her side, but sitting on the ledge. She stared intensely at him before walking a few steps in front of him. She wondered what he was doing, but then remembered the night in the basement when he was almost catatonic, trying to calm the voices. Buffy assumed that's what he was doing now.
Buffy closed the distance between them and placed a hand on each of his thighs. Spike opened his eyes at her touch and found her staring into his eyes, as if she were trying to see his soul. Her expression softened when he looked down into her own eyes and a small smile appeared on his face. The moonlight shone brightly around them and for a moment they were lost in each other. Buffy took his right hand in her left and reached up and gently brushed a strand of hair from his face with her right. She gently pulled him down off the ledge and guided him into the house.
Spike felt shocks of electricity flow through him as Buffy touched his face. He saw the genuine concern in her features as she pulled him down. He wanted so badly to hold her in his arms and thank her. He longed for her soft touch and warmth to comfort him. He wanted to embrace her and never let go. He wanted so much, but knew he could never have, his emotions began to overcome him once more.
Buffy felt his hesitation and gently squeezed his hand to reassure him that she was okay with him being in her home again. She led Spike quickly up the stairs and down the dark hallway to her room. She squeezed his hand once more as she led him into her room and sat him down on the bed. She walked over to her desk and turned on a small lamp. Before turning back to Spike, Buffy grabbed a blanket off the chair. When she turned around, Spike's features were illuminated by the soft yellow glow of the lamp. She stood beside him and set the blanket down before pulling him to his feet.
Spike looked at her curiously as he found himself being led out of her bedroom and into the hallway. She led him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water. Spike felt the steam begin to rise and warm him. Buffy left him alone and then returned with a towel and some clothes. She had a pair of long flannel pajama pants and a gray t-shirt. Buffy set them down and turned the water off. She walked over and stood in front of him. He closed his eyes as her hands gently touched his naked chest and opened them when her hands left his body. He felt nervous as she took his hands in hers and led him closer to the bathtub. She smiled as she checked the water temperature. She nodded her head as she released his hands and walked passed him. Spike turned slowly and watched her close the door softly behind her.
***
Buffy knocked quietly on Willow's door before entering the room. She saw her friend lying on the floor asleep in a sleeping bag. Buffy silently kneeled down beside Willow and gently shook her awake. Willow's eyes popped open and darted around the room. When her eyes adjusted, Willow sat up and Buffy motioned for them to leave the room. Willow closed the door behind them and followed Buffy into her room. Willow couldn't read Buffy's facial expressions, so she prayed that she wasn't too late. She didn't know how well Buffy would take Spike's demise after everything they'd been through together. Willow sat down on the bed as Buffy shut the door.
"So, what happened? Where's Spike?" she asked still half asleep.
Buffy walked over and sat next to her best friend. "I found him," she said speaking for the first time since she'd found him. "He's in the bathtub. He was so cold even for a vampire."
"Is he okay?"
"He was beaten pretty badly and by the looks of it, continuously. The ritual marks are still evident on his chest. He has broken ribs and his face is pretty swelled up on the left side."
"The First did use him to free the Turok-Han. How is he other wise?"
"Are you asking if he's still crazy? I don't know. When he first saw me he became cocky and defiant, like I wasn't real or he was hallucinating. It was weird. I think somehow the First is able to impersonate me. I don't know how, but that's the feeling I got."
Willow looked at her friend confused. "How is that possible?"
"I don't know. May be Giles was wrong when he said the First could only take on the form of the dead. Or may be because I was dead.I don't know," she sighed.
"It was trying to weaken him mentally so he'd switch sides. It must've been using your form to discourage him and break his hope that you would find him. Has he said anything else?"
"No. We haven't said a word to each other. Will, he's so weak. I don't know how much longer he could've lasted. The Turok-Han could've killed him and I would've been too late. I don't know if." Buffy's gaze fell to the floor.
"You don't know what?" She paused and answered her own question. "Buffy, it's okay if you still have feelings for him. You and Spike have been through a lot together," Willow said sincerely as she placed her hand over Buffy's.
"Thanks, Will. I don't know what I feel. All I know is that he's changed and for the better. I can't abandon him, he'd never do that to me."
"I know." Willow yawned, "I'm gonna go back to sleep. I'm glad that you found him. We're going to need his help. I'll cya in the morning."
"Thanks, good night," Buffy smiled hugging her friend.
***
Spike undressed and stepped slowly into the bathtub. He eased himself down and let the water envelop him. His tensed muscles welcomed the warmth as the water began to sooth them. Spike closed his eyes and laid his head against the wall. He could smell Buffy's shampoo and it tickled his senses. A small smile formed on his face at the thought of her. Spike knew no matter what she would come for him. That fact was the main reason he would not give into the First. Spike felt himself relax and sleep creep up on him.
Buffy quickly changed out of her clothes and into some pajamas. She quietly made her way down stairs and into the kitchen. She poured a container of blood into a coffee mug and placed it in the microwave. After it was the right temperature, Buffy trudged softly up the stairs and yawned. She could feel exhaustion pulling at her every muscle. She finally stood outside the bathroom door and listened. She knocked gently on the door.
"Spike, it's me. Can I come in?" Buffy asked, unsure if he would reply.
Spike slowly opened his eyes when he heard someone knocking at the door. He recognized the voice and quickly sat up, splashing water onto the floor. "Buffy?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm. I'm not dressed yet."
She chuckled to herself as she imagined Spike's naked rock-hard body. "That's okay, I've already seen you without your clothes on before."
"That. That was another time," he replied nervously.
"I was kidding. Let me know when you've got your pants on," she said seriously.
"Oh, right then." Spike stepped out of the bathtub and quickly dried himself off. He slipped into the pajama bottoms and called out to Buffy. "Buffy, come in."
"Kay," she said as she entered the room. Buffy watched as Spike dried his platinum blond hair with a towel. She walked up and handed him the mug. "Here, I thought you might need this," she smiled. "I got it just right, or it was."
Spike took the mug from her and smiled. "Thank you," he said softly before taking a drink. When he was finished, he set the mug on the counter and turned to face her. He caught her staring and became self-conscious. Spike tried to cover his chest from her eyes. He picked up the gray shirt and attempted to put it on, but was stopped by Buffy.
"What.What are you doing?" he stammered.
"Shh, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you," she said softly and reassuringly.
Spike lowered his defenses along with the shirt. "I know," he said barely audible.
Buffy knew the man that stood before her was not the man she knew just nine months ago. This Spike was quiet, unsure of himself, and it was disarming. It was as if she was talking to a small boy at times since he had come back with his soul. Buffy placed her hands upon his body and traced the contours of his muscular chest. She carefully ran her soft fingers over his scars lightly, making sure not to hurt him. She stopped and placed one of her hands over his heart.
"Spike?" she said out loud.
Spike's body tensed as he felt her hands roaming his body. His arms hung by his sides as he clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists. Spike looked down onto Buffy and lowered his head and took in an unneeded breath to inhale her scent.
Buffy looked up into his eyes and whispered. "I'm glad you're here and that you're safe."
Her admission of her feeling caught Spike off-guard causing him to back away from her. He awkwardly pulled the shirt on over his head. "Buffy, can we talk?"
Buffy looked at Spike confused. "We are talking," she said in her usual snarky tone. She realized he was being serious and apologized for her behaviors. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I had no right." She turned and walked out of the bathroom. Better not to let him see that she was taken aback.
Spike watched her go as confusion set in. He followed her into her room moments later. He paused in her doorway and saw her sitting on her bed. "Buffy, I'm."
"Spike, you don't have to apologize. It was my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I don't want to confuse you.or myself. I'm sorry." Buffy looked up and saw him lingering in the doorway. "You can come in, y'know."
"Oh, right then," he said finally walking into the room and sitting down beside her.
"You wanted to talk?" she asked while not looking at him. She knew she shouldn't have touched him, but she got lost in a moment of the past and couldn't resist. She told herself repeatedly they were through and shouldn't confuse him by sending mixed signals.
"Right. We never did finish our conversation from the basement. I wanted.I want to know if you meant what you said?" Spike lowered his gaze to the floor.
Buffy looked up and let Spike's words resonate I her mind. She sat further back on the bed and pulled her legs up to her chest. Spike noticed her movements out of the corner of his eye.
"Spike, look at me," she commanded softly. As he turned and now sat facing her, she took one of his hands in her own. "Yes, I meant every word of it. I know I'm not 'Emotions Girl' other than usually anger and what not, but I did mean it then and I mean it now. You're not the same person you used to be. You're not even the same person you were a couple of years ago or even a few months ago. That's why I know you've changed. I've seen you change right in front of me. At first, I didn't want to believe it, because that would mean that I was wrong." She paused. "And you know I don't like to be wrong!" she smiled. "And I'm not saying that just because you got your soul back. I saw you change before that.
"Your having a soul now is just an added perk. I couldn't see it then, but you were always different from everyone else. You were capable and able to care and love without it, even when you didn't have to. So, yes I believe in you. I believe in you with all my heart and soul," she paused. "That's why I couldn't kill you. Not then. Not now. Now ever."
Spike's eyes glistened as Buffy finally told him something from her heart and it meant the world to him. "Thank you," he said softly.
"What for?"
"For being honest about your feelings. I know that's not your style and it doesn't come easy to you when it comes to me. Like you said, you're not 'Emotion Girl'."
Buffy knew she should throw up her defenses like usual, but she knew it was true and that she needed to be more honest with him and herself. "You're welcome," she smiled before growing serious. "Spike, what happened to you?"
"Besides the bloody ritual beatings? Mind games. Attempts to turn me evil and change sides. The occasional "visit" from old friends and of course more beatings," he said trying to put it lightly. "It didn't work though, as you can see. No matter how bloody bad that crazy bugger beat me, I wouldn't give in. That pissed them off. I held onto the fact that you believed in me and I knew, no matter what, you'd find me."
Buffy smiled, "And that I did. I could've done it a little faster though, huh?" Her smiled faded. "I'm sorry I didn't get to you sooner." Her gaze fell.
Spike reached out with his free hand and lifted her face so their eyes met. "It's alright. I knew you'd never leave me. For whatever reasons you had, I knew you wouldn't." Spike had hoped it was because she cared for him somewhere inside and not because she thought he could be used against her.
Buffy smiled softly as Spike's hand fell slowly from her face and back into his lap. He looked so worn out and weak. The Spike she knew, her Spike, was strong and energetic. She decided she would ask him more tomorrow after he slept. Buffy slid off the bed and got a pillow and blankets to sleep on.
Spike looked at her and saw that it was his cue to go and therefore stood up.
"What are you doing?" Buffy asked.
"You're tired," he said nodding toward the blankets.
"Yeah, so?" She didn't see that he didn't understand her intentions.
"I'll go then." He turned towards the door.
"Spike," she called grabbing his hand. "You're sleeping here in my bed. I'm sleeping in Dawn's room on the floor."
"You don't have to."
"It's okay. So, c'mon and let me tuck you in like a good little boy," she said in a mocking motherly tone. Buffy started to laugh as the words came out.
Spike saw her laughing and thought how cute she was when she was happy. "I'll settle for that, Mommy." He couldn't resist. It felt so good to laugh with her again. They were having one of those rare special moments when they could joke around with each other and show the side of themselves that only the other ever saw.
Buffy continued to laugh at Spike's remark and dropped the blankets. She looked up and saw that Spike was also laughing some. Emotions over came her and she threw her arms around him in an embrace. Spike was caught by surprise by the embrace and hesitantly wrapped his arms around her. They held each other silently, finding some comfort within one another that only the other could give.
Buffy pulled out of the embrace and gazed into Spike's eyes. "I really did miss you. I don't know what I would've done if something would've happened to you."
Spike's heart filled with joy as he smiled back. "I really missed you too, Buffy. You'd probably throw a party!" he said jokingly. Spike grew serious and spoke hesitantly not wanting to ruin the moment. "Buffy, will you stay in here tonight? With me?"
Buffy reached up and gently ran a few fingers through his curly hair. She smiled and answered softly. "Yes." She picked up the blankets and sat them at the foot of the bed. She pulled the covers down and motioned for Spike to climb in. Spike climbed in and immediately felt exhaustion overcome him. Buffy turned out the lights and climbed into bed beside him. Spike was surprised by her actions and wasn't sure at first if they should even sleep in the same bed.
"What are you doing?" he asked her.
"I'm going to sleep," she smiled.
"Are you sure? Sure we're both ready?"
"Spike, it's okay. I'm fine with it. Are you?"
"I.yeah."
"Okay, because I need to make sure this is all real." She pulled the covers up and rolled onto her side facing him. "Would it be okay if you held me?" she asked softly.
Spike couldn't say no to her. "Always," he said as he pulled her into his muscular arms and wrapped them around her.
Buffy settled against his chest, smiling as she yawned. "Night, Spike."
"Good night, Buffy," Spike said with a smile on his face. He knew that they might never get back what they had, but he also knew that they might get something new and better in the future. Spike knew she would always be his and he would always be hers no matter what happened.
The End
Title: "Always"
Feedback: obsessed_spike_freak_02@yahoo.com
Characters: Spike/Buffy, Dawn & Willow
Spoilers: "Showtime"
Summary: What should've happened at the end of "Showtime"
Author's Note: Okay, so after watching that episode, I was so disappointed at the end! It was an awesome episode, but I was expecting so much at the end! Well, this is what I thought should've happened.
Always
"Here endeth the lesson!" Buffy stated as she ended her lecture to the Slayers in Training.
The young girls and half of the Scooby Gang made their way down to Buffy and followed her out of the construction site and back to her house. The girls talked non-stop on Buffy's fighting style and how strong she was. Dawn just smiled, as she knew her sister could do it. She wanted to say, "I told you so!" but decided not too. She realized that they needed to see Buffy in action and see her beat the Turok-Han for them to believe that they could still win.
Dawn broke into a little sprint and caught up with her sister. She took Buffy's hand and gave it a little squeeze and smiled. "I knew you could do it!"
"Thanks, Dawnie," she smiled.
"I figured it out. I figured out what you, Willow, and Xander were up to. That was pretty awesome," she exclaimed. Her face grew serious. "Buffy, why didn't you tell me? I thought I was part of the Gang now?"
"Sorry, Dawn. I just. We needed you all to believe that. I never, not for one second, doubted that you didn't think we could do this. You are part of the Gang, much to my dismay," Buffy smiled. "Promise, I won't keep you in the dark anymore." Buffy squeezed her little sister's hand back.
"So, what'll we do now?"
"Now?" she paused. "Now you guys go home."
"What about you?"
"Me? I'm going to change and then I'm going to get Spike," she said seriously.
Dawn thought for a moment. "Do. Do you think he's still alive?"
Buffy hadn't let herself think anything but that fact. She knew deep down that she needed Spike to be alive and not just to help them with the First, but for her. She put forth a smile. "Yes, I still believe he's alive."
One of the Slayers called out Dawn's name and she walked back to talk with the young girl.
Buffy watched her sister join the other girls. "He has to be," she stated silently to herself.
Willow stood outside Buffy's door with the first aid kit. She knocked gently. "Buffy, it's me. Can I come in?"
"Yeah, Will, just a sec," Buffy called to her friend as she got a white shirt from the closet. She walked over and opened the door. "Hey, that for me?" she smiled as she began buttoning up her shirt.
"Hey. Yeah it is," the witch smiled. "You want me to go with?"
Buffy smiled genuinely. "No, I think I better go alone just incase there's trouble."
"You ready to get bandaged up before you ruin the new shirt you just put on?" Willow asked as she sat down on Buffy's bed.
Buffy finished buttoning her shirt and sat down next to Willow. "Yeah, doctor me up!" she managed to say with a smile.
Willow took the tweezers, peroxide, and medical tape out of the kit. Buffy turned and sat facing her best friend. Willow poured some peroxide onto a cotton ball and gently touched the cut on Buffy's face. Buffy tensed at the peroxide met her face.
"Sorry," Willow smiled.
"It's okay. That stuff really burns! I should be immune to it by now! All the time's I've had to use it."
"Yeah, too bad your Slayer powers don't help out with that." Willow finished cleaning the cut and dried the surrounding area with a tissue. She cut the pieces of tape into small strips in order to place them like a butterfly bandage.
Buffy sat silently as her friend applied the tape. Her mind was on Spike and nothing but Spike at that moment. Her mind went back to that night when Spike had asked her to do what she knew she never could.
"Buffy, you have to kill me!" he had stated. "You have to do it! These chains won't hold me forever."
"No! I won't." she couldn't bring herself to say it. "I can't do it, so please don't ask me again."
"You have too. You've never seen the real me!"
"Spike, what are you talking about? I've seen the real you."
"No, you haven't. Do you know what I could do to you? You haven't met the real Spike. The other reason why I'm called William the Bloody, and I'm not talking about my poetry. I'm talking about killing, ruthlessly, for no reason at all. Not to survive, not even for Dru when she was sick."
Buffy looked at him, trying to see in his eyes if he were telling her the truth. Trying to see the man she knew he had become. "Spike, please," she pleaded softly.
An evil smirk appeared on his face as he sauntered closer to her. "Do you know what I've done to girls Dawn's age? I." his voice broke and he couldn't tell her, he could never tell her.
"Spike I know what you're trying to do, and it's not working! I'm not going to!"
"DAMN IT, BUFFY! FOR ONCE, WHY CAN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?" he yelled, his voice teetering towards breaking. *Why can't you just do it! If you don't love me, just go it!* His voice cried out inside. *Just do it!* As he looked into her eyes, so full of hope and acceptance, he wanted to scream.
"Spike," Buffy said softly, cupping his face in her small hands. "I'm not going to kill you because I believe in you."
As much as he wanted to hug her and take her in his arms, he had to stay strong. *You have to convince her!* His voice boomed throughout his head. "No, you don't. You just don't have the balls to do it! You know you want to! Do you know what the real me could do to you? Last summer was nothing! I could."
This time Spike really couldn't bring himself to finish. Flashes of the attempted rape burned through his mind, causing his eyes to glass over. "Don't!" Spike barked as Buffy attempted to reach out to him. "I'm not worth the air I don't breathe."
"Spike, I don't hate myself anymore. I don't hate you. I forgave you a long time ago. I do believe in you. I've seen you change. I saw you change a long time ago, I just couldn't admit to myself."
"That was the bleedin' chip."
"No, it wasn't and I know you don't believe that. In fact, you've told me that on numerous occasions. I know you. I know I believe in you because I saw you change. I saw you try to become a better man, and it wasn't because of the chip. It was because of you. Because of what's in here," Buffy said placing her hands on his chest, over his heart.
She knew she could never do it. Even when she had the chance to, she knew she couldn't. They had always had some type of strange bond, ever since he helped her stop Angel and Dru. She just about had a heart attack when he spoke those words to her, demanding that she do it. She remembered his face when she told him she no longer hated him. She remembered the total look of surprise when she told him she believed in him. She wanted to say so much more to him, but they had been interrupted, just like her thoughts now where.
"What?" she asked.
"Where'd ya go there, Buffy?" Willow asked.
"Oh, sorry, Will. I was just thinking. You done?"
"Yeah. Buffy," she said softly. "Do you think he's still alive?"
Buffy looked at Willow. "Yes, he is. He has to be." Buffy stood up and walked over to the mirror to check out her face. "He has to be."
Willow's heart broke as Buffy spoke those last words again with such hope. "Yeah, he's strong. He knows you won't leave him there."
Buffy turned around and faced her friend. "Really? Do you think he knows that? I, we don't know what's happened to him. What if the First has his mind so warped, he doesn't even know who he is? Who we are? What if the Turok-Han killed him?" Buffy felt all the what-ifs flooding her mind.
Willow stood up and walked over and placed her arms around Buffy. She held her tightly. "Buffy, he's strong." She found herself reassuring Buffy now. "Like you said, he's still alive. I know he is." Willow smiled as she broke the embrace.
"Yeah, what was I thinking? Of course he is. I better go, it's been fifteen minutes and the First probably already knows I killed His favorite pet!"
Buffy and Willow walked out of her room and down stairs. "C-ya soon!" Willow called out as Buffy ran outside. Willow closed the door and sighed as she leaned against it. "I hope he's still alive!" she said quietly.
***
Buffy heard Willow call out, but what the young witch said did not register in her head. Buffy ran through the streets of Sunnydale, taking all the shortcuts she knew to get to Spike faster. She paused to catch her breath a few blocks away from the empty Christmas tree lot before taking off again. As she ran images of herself and Spike flashed in her head like a silent movie.
The memories started off with Spike sitting next to her the night she found out her mom had cancer, to the first time he told her he loved her, to when Glory had almost killed him when he wouldn't give up who the Key was and then to when she kissed him for the first time afterwards. Next was the night she died when he told her she treated him like a man, to when she came back from the grave and he gently bandaged her bloodied hands. To the first time they had sex and then to the first time they had made love that was pure, sweet, and innocent.
Then came all the times when he just sat and listened to her, to when they would talk after having sex before she would run away from him, to when he told her he loved her and she actually believed him. Then their break up and his leaving her and the tragedy that caused his behavior. The night she found out he had a soul and had went through Hell to get it, to when she found out he was feeding again, to that last night when he begged and demanded her to kill him. To her telling him she believed in him and how his expression softened at her words, and then finding him missing. She remembered how she worried about him when no one could see her. She remembered how he was there for her all the time and never expected anything from her in return.
Buffy pushed the memories from her head as she reached the hole in the ground where the cave was. Her heart picked up its pace. She felt as though it would fly out of her chest if it beat any faster or harder. Anxiety rushed over her as bad thoughts crept into her mind. All the what- ifs screamed out once more: What if he wasn't there? What if the First was able to make him evil again? What if she was to late? What if he was already dead?
"Buffy, stop thinking that way!" she commanded herself out loud. She looked around and saw no Bringers. "Please still be here! Please!" she pleaded.
Buffy jumped down and landed on her feet as silent as a cat. She stood still listening for any sounds of the Bringers, the First, or any other foot-soldiers It might have recruited to do It's dirty work. After a few moments when she was satisfied no one or nothing was around, she took off running. Buffy came to a forked halfway into the tunnel and decided to go left. She came across a single Bringer and easily beheaded him.
"Oh, that's a nice new toy!" she said as she picked up the weapon. "Thanks for the addition to my collection." She stepped over the dead Bringer and headed back in the opposite direction. Once again she found herself pleading for Spike to still be there and okay.
***
Spike stood, still bound to the cave walls at his wrists. His head and arms felt as heavy as anvils. He wished he could lie down on the floor. His head hung low and there was evidence of both old and new beatings on his body. His chest still bore the ritual marks and was just starting to slowly turn to scars. His left eye and side of the face were swollen from the Turok-Han's continuous and vicious beatings at the request of the First; who at the moment was still impersonating Buffy.
Spike's eyes adjusted from the dream he was having to his bleak surroundings as he sensed someone approaching. He slowly lifted his head slightly to the left and looked at the figure cautiously. Spike's heart screamed out full of joy upon seeing the figure. Buffy, his one true love, hadn't let him down after all. She had indeed come for him. Spike had known deep down, no matter what mind games the First tried to play, that his Buffy wouldn't just leave him to be tortured and possibly killed by the First and His psychotic bodyguard.
"I knew you would come! I knew you wouldn't leave me! I told Her you would come!" He wanted so desperately so tell her those words, but he knew he didn't have the strength for his brain to command his mouth to work.
Spike sighed defeated, as the figure came directly into his field of view. His heart broke when his eyes fell upon a Bringer knife in her hands. His hope vanished and the happiness he felt disappeared quicker than they had arrived. Another small silent sigh escaped that was inaudible. Spike was not ready to be so easily defeated and fooled. He tried his best not to let his disappointment show. He wasn't going to give Her that satisfaction again.
Spike mustered up all the strength he had left and stood taller and straighter as his stare bore into Her. His defiance shone through his demeanor.
"A knife now is it. What'll." he paused, his tone still defiant. "What'll that." he tried to laugh it off, however his words and breaths were rushed. "You. You can't hurt me. You're. You're just a bloody figment, you are. You're just." Spike stopped as She stepped closer and looked at Her out of the corner of his eye.
His gaze shifted in the opposite direction as She stepped into his personal space. Buffy reached up and cut his right wrist free from its leather bounds. Spike was too weak to hold his arm up, so it fell onto Buffy's left shoulder. He gripped her for support and discovered she was just as real as he was. A look of surprise formed on his face as he touched her. Spike stared intensely into her eyes as she moved to cut his left wrist free. Spike couldn't believe it as a rush of emotion flooded over him. His face lit-up as he remembered that she wouldn't leave him. A small smile formed as he started to cry.
Buffy looked at him sincerely, trying hard not to lose control of her emotions as she cut him free. She never thought she'd be so happy to see him. She had prepared herself for the worst, but as soon as her eyes fell upon him, all those thoughts left her. Her heart wanted to hold him in her arms, but her heard was telling her to free him and leave. She wanted to say so much to him, but she couldn't find the words.
She never flinched when he touched her, which was a sign that she was over being skittish around him. She looked into his eyes as he started to cry and wondered what he had gone through since he had been taken from her home those many nights ago. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but every fiber of her being was telling her to get him out before the First or any Bringers arrived.
Spike had so much he wanted to say to her, but he was so overwhelmed by his emotions and the tears that were cascading from his eyes, he could not. His voice temporarily left him and all he could manage was a rushed soft, "Oh." He hung his head low as the tears continued to fall.
Buffy placed her arm firmly around his waist to keep him from losing his balance and falling to the ground. She smiled quickly as he draped his arm around her neck and shoulders. He leaned into her as they made their way out of the cave and into the main entrance. Spike's heart filled with hope and joy as he held on tightly to her, not ever wanting to let go.
Spike and Buffy walked in silence as they crossed the lot and made their way onto the streets of Sunnydale. Spike's emotions were still running rampant throughout every inch of his body. He felt a boost of energy course through his veins, when he knew there should be none. He had been concentrating so hard during his captivity on not letting the First break his spirit, that he didn't have time to think about feeding or eating.
The First tried to make him feed off humans, but Spike refused to do so. In fact, the thought of it made him even more defiant. Spike's defiance to the First caused brutal beatings by the Turok-Han, but he didn't care. He could stand the physical pain, even though his vampiric healing ability seemed to have left him since it wasn't helping much. What he couldn't stand was the look on Buffy's face when she found out he was feeding again. So every time the First thought it would weaken him by dangling blood in front of him, it only fueled his defiance even more.
Spike walked with his head somewhat low because his eyes were unable to adjust to the bright lights of the street lamps. The tears finally stopped flowing as the couple made their way onto Main Street. Spike felt the wind dance in and around the open wounds on his chest as he shivered. He knew he had broken ribs and was thankful that he didn't have to breathe to survive. He was also thankful it was the middle of the night and no one would see them.
Buffy's arm was still wrapped firmly around Spike's waist as they walked. Her other hand held his close to her shoulder to keep it from falling off. She could sense how weak he was from the beatings, by how pale he looked, and by how much colder than usual he felt. What little energy he got from the rescue was quickly used trying to get out of the cave. Buffy could see that many of his ribs were broken as well. She silently cursed the First for all it had done to Spike. Now she wished she would have made the Turok-Han suffer before slaying him. Buffy wished she would've gotten to him sooner than she had.
Buffy and Spike turned onto Revello Drive and in no time were climbing up the front steps. Spiked seemed nervous as Buffy removed her arm from his waist to unlock the door. He felt weak and dizzy so he gripped the railing to steady himself. As he sat down on the ledge he closed his eyes to stop everything from spinning. As the spinning stopped, he realized that his head felt free and clear. The excitement from the rescue and the escape caused him not to think about all the voices. He sighed as he kept his eyes closed, not wanting the silence to fade away.
Buffy unlocked the door and saw that everyone inside was asleep. As she turned to take Spike's hand, she found that he was no longer by her side, but sitting on the ledge. She stared intensely at him before walking a few steps in front of him. She wondered what he was doing, but then remembered the night in the basement when he was almost catatonic, trying to calm the voices. Buffy assumed that's what he was doing now.
Buffy closed the distance between them and placed a hand on each of his thighs. Spike opened his eyes at her touch and found her staring into his eyes, as if she were trying to see his soul. Her expression softened when he looked down into her own eyes and a small smile appeared on his face. The moonlight shone brightly around them and for a moment they were lost in each other. Buffy took his right hand in her left and reached up and gently brushed a strand of hair from his face with her right. She gently pulled him down off the ledge and guided him into the house.
Spike felt shocks of electricity flow through him as Buffy touched his face. He saw the genuine concern in her features as she pulled him down. He wanted so badly to hold her in his arms and thank her. He longed for her soft touch and warmth to comfort him. He wanted to embrace her and never let go. He wanted so much, but knew he could never have, his emotions began to overcome him once more.
Buffy felt his hesitation and gently squeezed his hand to reassure him that she was okay with him being in her home again. She led Spike quickly up the stairs and down the dark hallway to her room. She squeezed his hand once more as she led him into her room and sat him down on the bed. She walked over to her desk and turned on a small lamp. Before turning back to Spike, Buffy grabbed a blanket off the chair. When she turned around, Spike's features were illuminated by the soft yellow glow of the lamp. She stood beside him and set the blanket down before pulling him to his feet.
Spike looked at her curiously as he found himself being led out of her bedroom and into the hallway. She led him into the bathroom and turned on the hot water. Spike felt the steam begin to rise and warm him. Buffy left him alone and then returned with a towel and some clothes. She had a pair of long flannel pajama pants and a gray t-shirt. Buffy set them down and turned the water off. She walked over and stood in front of him. He closed his eyes as her hands gently touched his naked chest and opened them when her hands left his body. He felt nervous as she took his hands in hers and led him closer to the bathtub. She smiled as she checked the water temperature. She nodded her head as she released his hands and walked passed him. Spike turned slowly and watched her close the door softly behind her.
***
Buffy knocked quietly on Willow's door before entering the room. She saw her friend lying on the floor asleep in a sleeping bag. Buffy silently kneeled down beside Willow and gently shook her awake. Willow's eyes popped open and darted around the room. When her eyes adjusted, Willow sat up and Buffy motioned for them to leave the room. Willow closed the door behind them and followed Buffy into her room. Willow couldn't read Buffy's facial expressions, so she prayed that she wasn't too late. She didn't know how well Buffy would take Spike's demise after everything they'd been through together. Willow sat down on the bed as Buffy shut the door.
"So, what happened? Where's Spike?" she asked still half asleep.
Buffy walked over and sat next to her best friend. "I found him," she said speaking for the first time since she'd found him. "He's in the bathtub. He was so cold even for a vampire."
"Is he okay?"
"He was beaten pretty badly and by the looks of it, continuously. The ritual marks are still evident on his chest. He has broken ribs and his face is pretty swelled up on the left side."
"The First did use him to free the Turok-Han. How is he other wise?"
"Are you asking if he's still crazy? I don't know. When he first saw me he became cocky and defiant, like I wasn't real or he was hallucinating. It was weird. I think somehow the First is able to impersonate me. I don't know how, but that's the feeling I got."
Willow looked at her friend confused. "How is that possible?"
"I don't know. May be Giles was wrong when he said the First could only take on the form of the dead. Or may be because I was dead.I don't know," she sighed.
"It was trying to weaken him mentally so he'd switch sides. It must've been using your form to discourage him and break his hope that you would find him. Has he said anything else?"
"No. We haven't said a word to each other. Will, he's so weak. I don't know how much longer he could've lasted. The Turok-Han could've killed him and I would've been too late. I don't know if." Buffy's gaze fell to the floor.
"You don't know what?" She paused and answered her own question. "Buffy, it's okay if you still have feelings for him. You and Spike have been through a lot together," Willow said sincerely as she placed her hand over Buffy's.
"Thanks, Will. I don't know what I feel. All I know is that he's changed and for the better. I can't abandon him, he'd never do that to me."
"I know." Willow yawned, "I'm gonna go back to sleep. I'm glad that you found him. We're going to need his help. I'll cya in the morning."
"Thanks, good night," Buffy smiled hugging her friend.
***
Spike undressed and stepped slowly into the bathtub. He eased himself down and let the water envelop him. His tensed muscles welcomed the warmth as the water began to sooth them. Spike closed his eyes and laid his head against the wall. He could smell Buffy's shampoo and it tickled his senses. A small smile formed on his face at the thought of her. Spike knew no matter what she would come for him. That fact was the main reason he would not give into the First. Spike felt himself relax and sleep creep up on him.
Buffy quickly changed out of her clothes and into some pajamas. She quietly made her way down stairs and into the kitchen. She poured a container of blood into a coffee mug and placed it in the microwave. After it was the right temperature, Buffy trudged softly up the stairs and yawned. She could feel exhaustion pulling at her every muscle. She finally stood outside the bathroom door and listened. She knocked gently on the door.
"Spike, it's me. Can I come in?" Buffy asked, unsure if he would reply.
Spike slowly opened his eyes when he heard someone knocking at the door. He recognized the voice and quickly sat up, splashing water onto the floor. "Buffy?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm. I'm not dressed yet."
She chuckled to herself as she imagined Spike's naked rock-hard body. "That's okay, I've already seen you without your clothes on before."
"That. That was another time," he replied nervously.
"I was kidding. Let me know when you've got your pants on," she said seriously.
"Oh, right then." Spike stepped out of the bathtub and quickly dried himself off. He slipped into the pajama bottoms and called out to Buffy. "Buffy, come in."
"Kay," she said as she entered the room. Buffy watched as Spike dried his platinum blond hair with a towel. She walked up and handed him the mug. "Here, I thought you might need this," she smiled. "I got it just right, or it was."
Spike took the mug from her and smiled. "Thank you," he said softly before taking a drink. When he was finished, he set the mug on the counter and turned to face her. He caught her staring and became self-conscious. Spike tried to cover his chest from her eyes. He picked up the gray shirt and attempted to put it on, but was stopped by Buffy.
"What.What are you doing?" he stammered.
"Shh, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you," she said softly and reassuringly.
Spike lowered his defenses along with the shirt. "I know," he said barely audible.
Buffy knew the man that stood before her was not the man she knew just nine months ago. This Spike was quiet, unsure of himself, and it was disarming. It was as if she was talking to a small boy at times since he had come back with his soul. Buffy placed her hands upon his body and traced the contours of his muscular chest. She carefully ran her soft fingers over his scars lightly, making sure not to hurt him. She stopped and placed one of her hands over his heart.
"Spike?" she said out loud.
Spike's body tensed as he felt her hands roaming his body. His arms hung by his sides as he clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists. Spike looked down onto Buffy and lowered his head and took in an unneeded breath to inhale her scent.
Buffy looked up into his eyes and whispered. "I'm glad you're here and that you're safe."
Her admission of her feeling caught Spike off-guard causing him to back away from her. He awkwardly pulled the shirt on over his head. "Buffy, can we talk?"
Buffy looked at Spike confused. "We are talking," she said in her usual snarky tone. She realized he was being serious and apologized for her behaviors. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I had no right." She turned and walked out of the bathroom. Better not to let him see that she was taken aback.
Spike watched her go as confusion set in. He followed her into her room moments later. He paused in her doorway and saw her sitting on her bed. "Buffy, I'm."
"Spike, you don't have to apologize. It was my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I don't want to confuse you.or myself. I'm sorry." Buffy looked up and saw him lingering in the doorway. "You can come in, y'know."
"Oh, right then," he said finally walking into the room and sitting down beside her.
"You wanted to talk?" she asked while not looking at him. She knew she shouldn't have touched him, but she got lost in a moment of the past and couldn't resist. She told herself repeatedly they were through and shouldn't confuse him by sending mixed signals.
"Right. We never did finish our conversation from the basement. I wanted.I want to know if you meant what you said?" Spike lowered his gaze to the floor.
Buffy looked up and let Spike's words resonate I her mind. She sat further back on the bed and pulled her legs up to her chest. Spike noticed her movements out of the corner of his eye.
"Spike, look at me," she commanded softly. As he turned and now sat facing her, she took one of his hands in her own. "Yes, I meant every word of it. I know I'm not 'Emotions Girl' other than usually anger and what not, but I did mean it then and I mean it now. You're not the same person you used to be. You're not even the same person you were a couple of years ago or even a few months ago. That's why I know you've changed. I've seen you change right in front of me. At first, I didn't want to believe it, because that would mean that I was wrong." She paused. "And you know I don't like to be wrong!" she smiled. "And I'm not saying that just because you got your soul back. I saw you change before that.
"Your having a soul now is just an added perk. I couldn't see it then, but you were always different from everyone else. You were capable and able to care and love without it, even when you didn't have to. So, yes I believe in you. I believe in you with all my heart and soul," she paused. "That's why I couldn't kill you. Not then. Not now. Now ever."
Spike's eyes glistened as Buffy finally told him something from her heart and it meant the world to him. "Thank you," he said softly.
"What for?"
"For being honest about your feelings. I know that's not your style and it doesn't come easy to you when it comes to me. Like you said, you're not 'Emotion Girl'."
Buffy knew she should throw up her defenses like usual, but she knew it was true and that she needed to be more honest with him and herself. "You're welcome," she smiled before growing serious. "Spike, what happened to you?"
"Besides the bloody ritual beatings? Mind games. Attempts to turn me evil and change sides. The occasional "visit" from old friends and of course more beatings," he said trying to put it lightly. "It didn't work though, as you can see. No matter how bloody bad that crazy bugger beat me, I wouldn't give in. That pissed them off. I held onto the fact that you believed in me and I knew, no matter what, you'd find me."
Buffy smiled, "And that I did. I could've done it a little faster though, huh?" Her smiled faded. "I'm sorry I didn't get to you sooner." Her gaze fell.
Spike reached out with his free hand and lifted her face so their eyes met. "It's alright. I knew you'd never leave me. For whatever reasons you had, I knew you wouldn't." Spike had hoped it was because she cared for him somewhere inside and not because she thought he could be used against her.
Buffy smiled softly as Spike's hand fell slowly from her face and back into his lap. He looked so worn out and weak. The Spike she knew, her Spike, was strong and energetic. She decided she would ask him more tomorrow after he slept. Buffy slid off the bed and got a pillow and blankets to sleep on.
Spike looked at her and saw that it was his cue to go and therefore stood up.
"What are you doing?" Buffy asked.
"You're tired," he said nodding toward the blankets.
"Yeah, so?" She didn't see that he didn't understand her intentions.
"I'll go then." He turned towards the door.
"Spike," she called grabbing his hand. "You're sleeping here in my bed. I'm sleeping in Dawn's room on the floor."
"You don't have to."
"It's okay. So, c'mon and let me tuck you in like a good little boy," she said in a mocking motherly tone. Buffy started to laugh as the words came out.
Spike saw her laughing and thought how cute she was when she was happy. "I'll settle for that, Mommy." He couldn't resist. It felt so good to laugh with her again. They were having one of those rare special moments when they could joke around with each other and show the side of themselves that only the other ever saw.
Buffy continued to laugh at Spike's remark and dropped the blankets. She looked up and saw that Spike was also laughing some. Emotions over came her and she threw her arms around him in an embrace. Spike was caught by surprise by the embrace and hesitantly wrapped his arms around her. They held each other silently, finding some comfort within one another that only the other could give.
Buffy pulled out of the embrace and gazed into Spike's eyes. "I really did miss you. I don't know what I would've done if something would've happened to you."
Spike's heart filled with joy as he smiled back. "I really missed you too, Buffy. You'd probably throw a party!" he said jokingly. Spike grew serious and spoke hesitantly not wanting to ruin the moment. "Buffy, will you stay in here tonight? With me?"
Buffy reached up and gently ran a few fingers through his curly hair. She smiled and answered softly. "Yes." She picked up the blankets and sat them at the foot of the bed. She pulled the covers down and motioned for Spike to climb in. Spike climbed in and immediately felt exhaustion overcome him. Buffy turned out the lights and climbed into bed beside him. Spike was surprised by her actions and wasn't sure at first if they should even sleep in the same bed.
"What are you doing?" he asked her.
"I'm going to sleep," she smiled.
"Are you sure? Sure we're both ready?"
"Spike, it's okay. I'm fine with it. Are you?"
"I.yeah."
"Okay, because I need to make sure this is all real." She pulled the covers up and rolled onto her side facing him. "Would it be okay if you held me?" she asked softly.
Spike couldn't say no to her. "Always," he said as he pulled her into his muscular arms and wrapped them around her.
Buffy settled against his chest, smiling as she yawned. "Night, Spike."
"Good night, Buffy," Spike said with a smile on his face. He knew that they might never get back what they had, but he also knew that they might get something new and better in the future. Spike knew she would always be his and he would always be hers no matter what happened.
The End