i own nothing and nothing owns me. i am borrowing stephenie meyer's characters.

WARNiNG! this is a parody/crackfic. if you don't like that then turn your ass back around. or read it anyway.

the summary: a completely stupid and horrendously written fic following the cullens on xmas eve. the grammar is atrocious. things dont make sense. a 'what the hell fic is this' kind of fic. parody. rated m.

there's really nothing else to say.

Chapter 1

Edward never changed bella but she survived the birth. its christmas eve and the cullens are celebrating. Seven years later. But since bella was pregnant she doesn't age anymore. she human

"edward i thought i'd give you your present early," bella said sedictively as she limped toward him

"mm, yes darling?" edward put on a smile.

be;la was holding a shiney red box in front of her with the top of the box facing edward. "open the box." she whispered and purred.

edward tried to take the box from her

"NO! I told you to open the fuckin box, not take it!" she hissed.

edwarT stared at her like she was stupid for thirty minutes. "ok." he said and untied the robbion and took of the bow and the duct tape and took off the lid. "what the..."

"surprise!" she yelled and dropped the box and danced.

"when did that get there?" eward said pointing at her bell.y

"I'm pregnant! RENESMEE! CARLISLE! ESME! ALICE! ROSE! JASPER! EMMETT! STEVE! come down heRe everybody!"

everybody but steve were in there faces in less than.00421 seconds. then steve came two minutes later.

"bella if you don't recall...we're kind of vampires...so we kind of already heard the news." emmett rolled his eyes.

"i didn't!" steve said excitedly. he he;ld his hands to his chest and smiled anticipationly.

"renesmee your going to be a big sister!" bella sat down.

Esme smiled.

"mom. don't you already have a permanent gangster lean from when i broke your back when you were pregnant with me? don't you always try to make me feel bad about it? didn't you say you were never going to have a half human half vampire child ever again...at least not with daddy? besides, jacob and i are in love." renesmee rolled her eyes.

everybody gasped.

what happens next? how does jacob feel? how come alice didn't get a present? stay tuned.