A/N: I wrote this for kurtoberfest(yes, it's taken that long) prompt 'nightmare', and it is dedicated to the wonderful lovejoybliss.
Not Blaine or Klaine friendly.
Kurt doesn't mean for it to happen. He never means for it to happen, but it does anyway.
He makes a concerted effort not to think about it, keep the past in the past, but it pops into his head without provocation and without warning, slapping him hard in the face, nearly snapping his neck.
The kicker is, it didn't happen half as much when they were fighting as it did when things were close to normal, nearly blissful. He'd smile at Kurt, say something sweet, something romantic and unforgettable. Something song-worthy. Their lips would touch, sparks ignite, and Kurt would feel the love rise up within him. How could he not? This was his soulmate; his perfect puzzle piece. Being intimate like this with the man of his dreams was all Kurt ever wanted. He dreamt about it even before he ever got to this point. Nothing else in the world mattered when Kurt was in his arms. With their lips pressed together and their bodies connected, Kurt could turn off his mind and let himself drift away. His kisses could take Kurt away from everything, all the angst in his life, for just a little while.
Then it would happen. Kurt would think of him – a man he had a name for but no face, kissing his fiancé.
Making love to his fiancé.
Not his fiancé now. Not Adam. Adam never cheated on Kurt, and, after months of soul searching, Kurt believes Adam never will. He'd never hurt Kurt in that way.
But Blaine did.
Kurt would kiss Blaine, get caught up in the throes of it, the mind-altering, body burning, tingly sensation of it, and, in the midst of ecstasy, the intrusive thoughts would kick in. He would picture Blaine kissing another man just as passionately…maybe even more. Kurt had never seen Eli. Blaine didn't have a picture of him, and the man's Facebook profile was less than helpful. Blaine reassured Kurt over and over that their hooking up was only a one-time thing. That's one of the reasons why Kurt had been willing to forgive him. A one-time thing. Never again. There'd be no need if Kurt could keep convincing Blaine that they weren't over, that he wouldn't leave him, that he'd love him no matter what. And Kurt became dedicated to that task, almost to the detriment of himself. So there was no reason for Kurt to torture himself by finding this guy, meeting him face to face, putting his fears to rest that he wasn't more handsome than Kurt, with a better smile, brighter eyes, or a more attractive body.
Eli was a non-person. He didn't matter, so he didn't exist…according to Blaine.
But, Eli did exist, and he'd had Blaine. Try as Kurt might, it was hard for him to forget that Eli's lips had been on Blaine's lips, his fingers on Blaine's skin.
That he had been inside Blaine, a fact that Kurt stumbled upon by accident, and had become so deeply seared inside his brain, it was the one thing that popped up instantly at the mention of Eli's name.
Eli – the other boy who had fucked Blaine Anderson.
Kurt's mind filled in his nightmarish fantasies with faces he'd seen in passing – the barista at Starbucks, the guy at the bodega down the block from their loft, the T.A. in their Intro to Mime class, or pretty much anyone who had ever spoken to Blaine, or ogled over him when they thought no one was watching.
Kurt fought hard to ignore it, but after a while, he couldn't handle it. It wasn't a matter of jealousy; it was a matter of anger. Anger that he had apologized, anger that he had caved. Anger that somehow Blaine had managed to make Kurt feel like his cheating was Kurt's fault. Insecurity also played into it. Kurt hates standing on unsteady ground - when his father's health takes a turn, or when Gunther cuts his hours at the diner, when Carmen Tibideaux grades him poorly during a performance even though he gives it his all every damn time - all these things could change his life forever, and almost none of them does he have any control over. He hates having that kind of insecurity in his life.
Even after Blaine apologized for the hundredth time, after he bombarded Kurt's home and work with flowers and gifts, even when Kurt reluctantly took Blaine back, Kurt couldn't kiss him again without feeling that Blaine was kissing someone else – a faceless specter who had something that Kurt didn't have. Some piece of the puzzle that shouldn't be missing was now irretrievably in the hands of another man.
The fact that Blaine kept insisting it meant nothing had started to make things worse. If Blaine could fall into bed with Eli and have it mean nothing, if he could throw away what he and Kurt had and claim it meant nothing, what was Blaine's definition of nothing?
What else, possibly between them, meant nothing?
It's been over two years since Kurt called it quits between him and Blaine, and he's moved on with his life – excelling in college, and hopelessly in love with a new man, one who's vastly more devoted to him, one who respects him, who unfailingly sees the good in him, and all he can achieve without feeling slighted by his success.
Which is everything that Blaine should have done. He should have believed in Kurt, and in Kurt's love for him.
But every so often, when his day has been stressful and Kurt has too much on his plate, his mind seems to enjoy tormenting him with images of Blaine and the nobody he chose over his trust in Kurt.
In his sleep, Kurt lashes out at the only man around to comfort him.
"Hey…hey, Kurt, baby…" Adam sits up in bed and switches on the light. "Hey…wake up…" He gently shakes a whimpering Kurt, strokes a thumb down his cheek, kisses his sweaty forehead. "Kurt? Love? I need you to wake up, okay?"
Kurt's eyes pop open. He looks frightened for a second, eyes shifting to take in the room around him and the face in front of him.
"A-Adam?" Kurt whispers, as if genuinely surprised he's there.
"Yes, love." Adam gives Kurt another light forehead kiss. "It's me. Did you have a nightmare?"
Kurt sits up slowly, pushing back against the pillows as he slides up the headboard. "Yeah." Kurt's shaky fingers ineffectually wipe at wet cheeks. "But, it doesn't…it doesn't matter. I'm fine."
"Kurt" – Adam brushes the hair from Kurt's forehead and looks into his eyes – "you're obviously not fine."
"I am," Kurt says in a voice that cracks. "I am fine. I…" Staring into Adam's compassionate, tired eyes, Kurt knows he's not convincing him. He can't even convince himself most nights. "I don't…I don't know how to fix it," Kurt admits, tears of frustration rolling down his cheeks. "I don't know how to make the nightmares go away. It's over. I know it's over. I shouldn't care about it, and I don't. It's just…" Kurt shakes his head. "I can't explain it, but it still hurts."
"You're scared," Adam says. "You were betrayed by someone you loved, someone who said they loved you. And you're frightened it's going to happen again. It's only natural."
"I know it won't happen, though," Kurt says. "I know you…you wouldn't do that. Anything like that. But it's still there, haunting me. The visions…they come at me when I close my eyes. I just want it to go away. I don't know how to make it go away."
"I do," Adam says quietly.
"How?"
"Kiss me, but keep your eyes open."
Kurt laughs, but the reassuring smile on Adam's face doesn't shift.
"You're serious," Kurt says.
"I am." Adam takes Kurt's hand. "That way, you'll know for sure that it's me. Nobody else. You're not with him, and he's not cheating on you anymore. He can't hurt you. It's just you and me."
"But that…that's always been a little uncomfortable for me," Kurt admits.
"Well, then I'll keep my eyes closed. That way it won't seem like I'm staring at you or something."
Kurt considers Adam's solution. This problem Kurt has might seem like a little thing to some people, but it's a hard decision for him to make. Kissing with his eyes open, with someone else watching him, always made him feel vulnerable, on display, open for scrutiny. But Adam promises to keep his eyes closed. Kurt trusts Adam.
And besides, Adam's answer to Kurt's problem is kissing. How can Kurt possible say no?
"Alright. I'll give it a try."
Adam smiles. He inches forward, and presses his lips to Kurt's. It's awkward for a split second, with both men staring at one another, but then Adam closes his eyes. That warm, familiar feeling of soft and comforting that comes with Adam's kisses fills Kurt's body immediately. Adam kisses differently from Blaine. Kurt tries not to make comparisons, but it's so obvious to him, he doesn't even know why he ever has the problems he does. Adam isn't as demanding, isn't as overwhelming. His lips move with Kurt's, his body taking cues from Kurt's breaths and his sighs, when he reaches for him, and when he moves away. He doesn't try to dominate, doesn't insist on taking the lead. Kissing Adam is effortless, fluid and simple.
Kurt feels like he could kiss Adam forever.
Adam pulls away, curious to hear Kurt's opinion, but Kurt doesn't give in so easily, eager to continue this connection, to grow away from his place of fear, leave behind the minefield that he's been stuck in for so long.
To have this joy, and nothing else.
"What do you think?" Adam asks, mouth hovering around Kurt's since Kurt simply won't let him leave. Not that Adam minds. Kissing Kurt comes only second to breathing on Adam's list of life's major necessities. Sometimes, kissing Kurt and breathing are the same thing. "Does that make things easier?"
"Yes," Kurt says. "It's going to take a little getting used to, but, yes…it does."
"Well" – Adam's eyes trail to Kurt's mouth, then back to his eyes – "you can practice getting used to it all you want."