Everyone has these views about adultery and cheating. Everyone thinks that a cheater is a bad, bad person that thinks only about themselves, that they can't help themselves, that they can't love anyone else.
Life isn't that simple. Things aren't that black and white. I'm not that simple.
Don't get me wrong, I used to think that too. I never thought I had it in me to cheat. If anyone had ever asked me what I thought of cheaters, the answer was simple: they're very low, despicable human beings. And that says a lot given the kind of criminals I deal with every day; criminals that I wouldn't even use the term "human beings" on. I'd never have forgiven a girl for cheating on me and I, honestly, never thought that I could cheat on someone. Even a passing girlfriend, someone who I was simply "seeing". Cheating is possibly the worst thing someone can do to someone they are in a relationship with. Especially if that relationship has gotten to the "love" stage.
So the burning question is, how can I go from being so anti-cheating to being a cheater? How can I have gotten there and yet, don't hate myself? How can I speak to her while the other woman is in the room next door and not feel guilty? How can I attack her for being mad when the scent of the other woman lingers on me? How can I brush off my partner to be with the other woman? How can I be around my partner and act like nothing's happened and not feel a shred of guilt or remorse? How can I spend the evening with my partner but already know when I'm next seeing the other woman?
I'm still not too sure, but it is possible. No matter what people say or think, it is possible. I guess it's cliched to say that you can't judge a situation until you've been there. All these people who say that cheaters are bad and that they can't love the person they're with and that they don't care about hurting them, don't know what they're talking about. Anyone who is naive enough to say that they would never cheat doesn't know that for sure until they're put in the right, or wrong, situation. So unless you've been a cheater or have been cheated on, how can you hold a moral compass over someone doing the cheating? She told me today that she's fallen in love with me and I think I feel the same. I haven't told her that yet and the thought doesn't stop me either. The two woman are two different aspects of my life and I can shut one off from the other. Does it really make me a bad person? My partner will never find out. She will never be hurt by it. I will never end it with her for the other woman. The other woman knows the score. Who's ever going to get hurt? No one. And this isn't me being callous. This is me stating the simple truth.
I am in love, but I can't stop things with the other woman. I don't want to stop things with the other woman. It's not the dangerous risk giving me a high, the thrill of the forbidden or the fear of getting found out, it's something unexplainable. I don't know what would happen if she ever found out. She would never forgive me, never understand my reasons. Despite that unknown that does frighten me somewhat, I cannot and do not want to stop myself. There is an element of thrill about it; the women in my life are two polar opposite people. It's got to a point now where I like seeing both, each giving me something the other can't. Does that mean I shouldn't be with either of them? Or that I should pick? And then I think why should I pick when nobody is going to get hurt.
When I'm with either of them, I don't think about the other. I have been brazen enough to take a call from the other woman when spending the evening with my partner. I've flirted over the phone with her with my partner maybe two walls away. I know that's risky, that she could overhear, but it never occurs to me at the time. And it's not like I favour the other woman. The other night, I abandoned her to go see my partner and spend the night with her. I had no regrets, didn't worry that I'd upset her because she knows the score. And I didn't spend the evening then wishing I was with the other woman because I love the time I spend with my partner.
It doesn't make sense in my own brain. I know I should feel bad, that I should feel guilty, that I should put the woman I love before the woman that I enjoy screwing. But I don't. I don't overcompensate with my partner because of guilt. I don't try to make it up to her. Sometimes I push her further away, but not from guilt. If I'm truthful, I push her away because I want to spend more time with my other woman. And I know that it should make me feel bad; I think it makes me feel good. I've never felt like this before in my life. My partner makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I've never been so compatible with anyone before. We share movie interests and the way we communicate and tease each other is unique. A few months ago I would have happily said there was nothing wrong in our relationship, nothing I was missing, nothing I would tweak. But then she walked into my bed. My other woman is someone I can call mine. Unlike my partner who I can yell from the rooftops that she's mine, my other woman is only and simply mine. She is my secret and I don't have to share her with anyone else. I can talk to her in amazingly refreshing ways, too. In that respect both of the women in my life are similar. I can talk to her about how I'm coping and any problems with my partner. And whilst she's being the other woman, she is remarkably level headed when it comes to issuing me advice about my partner. Maybe it's the couple of extra years she has on me. Then there's the fact that the sex is different. There's less feeling there, but there's still friendship and affection. She's happy to talk with me and then have sex. Nothing else. Friendship and sex.
I enjoy being wanted purely for sex. I like the simplicity of it all. I do like the sneaking around, but then I don't try and hide it. I don't know what would happen of my partner ever found out, but I'm not exactly careful. She has a key to my place yet it's my place I stay with her. My partner could walk in at any moment. That thought doesn't concern me, doesn't scare me, doesn't make me change where I screw the other woman. I don't want her to find out, don't want to lose her, but I'm not as careful as I could be. Does that mean that I do want to get caught? Or that I'm so numb to the fact that as far as my brain keeps shouting, I'm not hurting anyone. No matter what logic anyone else could throw at me or what my pre-cheating morals would state, I'm not hurting anyone.
I don't want things to end with my partner. I don't want things to end with my other woman. My partner will never find out. My other woman will never want anything more from me.
Simple.