Summary:
She had to break into his bubble and to let him know that the sacrifices he'd made were okay. They were together now.
Author's Note:
Thanks; Nina, for constantly being there and doing everything. Malin for the obsession, and for letting me know that there's fate in Misa. The sentence helper when all you can do is express it in Swedish and hardly that! Oda, for being there on a corner, as always!
Inspired by James Carrington's 'Ache', that's where the title and lyrics comes from aswell.
Isn't it strange the way things can change
The life that you lead turned on its head
Suddenly someone means more than you felt before
She naturally reached out for him, not awake, it was simply just a reflex. Her hand hit the cold sheet with a low thud and with that, she opened her eyes. Her hand trembled across the sheet but it wasn't there. He wasn't there. She blinked a few times, letting the eyes get used to the dark. She saw a contour of someone, him, sitting on the corner of the bed. His shoulders down and his back facing her. She should've expected it. Their past nights together had been peaceful and calm, no waking up in the night to break down. She wrapped the cover of the bed around herself and crawled gracefully over to sit next to him. He didn't notice, or if he did, he didn't do anything about it. Just kept staring down on the floor, his eyes red and swollen. She hates this, seeing him hurt and fall to pieces behind the façade of his. The night destroyed him, the darkness and the complete silence. The night always crept back to them like a bee to its honey. It made everything, every moment, every thought, obvious and he would allow himself to break down. Not in front of her, just alone. But she knew. She knew too well. Sometimes it could last only just a minute but too often it lasted for hours. Often until the morning came with its safe rays of sunlight. Yet, at this moment morning was hours away and there they were - alone in the dark room. She gently touched his shoulders and let the hand follow the pattern of the tattoos. The sword. The arches. The wing and finally her fingers traced the ink heart, only a small detail but for her it meant everything.
"Hey" Sara said with hoarse voice "Hey, come on now. You need sleep." He didn't raise his head to look at her, eyes still focused on the pattern of the carpet.
"Michael?" She looked at him, waiting for a response in anyway. Waiting for him to meet her eyes. He looked older now, small wrinkles in his forehead. Slowly he crept back into the bed, without saying a word. She couldn't help but to feel sorrow for the man he'd once been and the man he now was, at night. He stared up in the ceiling, his eyes flickering back and forth. Sara hesitated, and then went back to her place in the king-sized bed, watching him from the corner of her eye. Didn't know what to say when he still wouldn't reply, she knew this by now. It drained all her strength to see him like this, in his own bubble.
"Look, we can't go on like this." She said, more to herself than to him, still loud enough for him to hear and for him to be able to reply. He didn't. His mouth was clenched shut and his eyes still looking up the ceiling. She fought the urge to punch him, to beat him, if only to make him answer and look at her. He had gone to hell and back only just to get revenge for her but this wasn't supposed to happen because of that. Because of it all. It had totally been a set-back. Him falling for her. Him getting caught in Sona. Him killing those people just to get revenge and she had been alive meanwhile. All alive and only being able to imagine how he felt and no ability to contact him - to let him know that she was okay. As okay that she had been during those weeks. The first nights, he had been the one comforting her. Repeating safe words while he held her close.
"We can't do this. Deep inside I know you know it too. I know you broke and I know you did things. I've heard you talking in your sleep. I know you don't want to tell me, to protect me. But please, Michael, this is not working! Stop. This is all over now." She switched position, lying on her side so that she could see him better. Michael looked at her for a quick glance and she tried to speak with her eyes saying 'this is okay' the same way Michael had done for her earlier. But the glance was too quick and the moment ended. She closed her eyes in defeat and took a deep breath. The feeling of failure filled her, the desperation clinging to her chest, not letting go. How many times would she have to try before getting through? Or before giving up? It was all up to her, the voice in her head remembered her. Her choice. It was as if he was a psychic and the keyword for him to react was 'giving up'. His touch sent a jolt down through her spine and the desperation let go as he followed the shape of her arm. She didn't want to open her eyes, afraid that it would only be her imagination taking over her brain.
"It haunts me. Every bad consequence that came from my idea to free Linc. The thought of how the innocent people's lives would've been now won't let go. It would probably all had been okay if I hadn't had that idea to get him out of Fox River. What am I supposed to tell them when their faces appear? 'it was all for the best'? I don't know if it was. I hate to tell you this because it sounds like I couldn't care less about you and that it wouldn't matter if you were here or not. I.."He paused to take deep breath. Sara opened her eyes to evaluate, where he was going with this. In a quick move he closed the distance between them and embraced her. Holding her close as she could hear him silently sob. She inhaled his scent and relaxed. Come whatever will/may, she briefly thought, as long as they could get away from his pain. "I can't live without you, Sara. I should be able to, though. I should be able to sacrifice us for a mass of people. I know I should but I just can't and now the faces appear. They should understand, shouldn't they? They got sacrificed because of what they had done, they weren't innocent. Why then won't their faces and voices go away then?"
"I'm happy you made the choices that you made. All the people that fell down would to it sooner or later, it was just a matter of time. Sometimes, you need to only think of yourself. I know it's not you and most likely never will be you but this, all of this, is making you fall into pieces. Just try, okay?"
"Thank you" He whispered and kissed the top of her head. "I'll try." Sara listened to him breathing first easy but at last, heavily asleep. Not for a moment did she think that she would ever end up here, a motel far away from everything that was familiar and with a guy that had killed for her. A guy that was like no one else she knew and no one that she would ever have talked to, if he hadn't been a prisoner. But here they now were. Together. Chained together and nothing could break it. This was where she belonged, with him. She finally fell asleep, with her hand on the bump on her belly - knowing that future and a change would come.