Star Trek: The Next Generation

Wesley Crusher Saves the Day!

(Star Trek: The Next Generation was created by Gene Roddenberry and is owned by Paramount. I do not own the characters. Also, keep in mind this is a parody.)

"It's disgusting!" Deanna Troi complained, as she walked down the corridor Will Riker.

"Are you referring to Lt. Barclay's Holodeck programs again?"

"Yes. As a therapist I'm supposed to think that it's just healthy fantasy, but as a person I want to bludgeon him with Captain Picard's Shakespeare book."

"If only Shakespeare books were standard issue." Riker teased.

"You know what I mean." Deanna waved away the joke without even a smirk. "Have you at least seen the latest program Reg is running?"

"No. Odd as it may sound, I'm not allowed to root around in people's personal programs." Riker told her.

"Well as a therapist I am."

"Since when?"

"Since Captain Picard told me he wanted to know how the crew's mental health was." Deanna explained. "I just took it to the next step and started tapping into people's Personal Logs and Holodeck programs."

"I got nothing to hide." Riker quickly said.

"Yeah, I've already seen your dirty laundry." This time it was Deanna who laughed and Riker who kept a straight face.

"So what is this program that Barclay is running that causing you concern?"

Deanna felt uncomfortable. "Well I know your Earth Heritage is from what used to be the United States, right?"

"Yes. Alaska. I even had ancestors fight in the American Civil War. There even was a miniseries called North and South about it."

"Was it as good as the one Georgi's ancestor was in?"

"Roots 2?"

"No, the other one."

"Roots?"

"I think so…"

"No, it wasn't."

"Oh. Well anyway, plays the character Benedict Arnold and reenacts living in exile in England after he was discovered as a traitor." Deanna went on, trying to get the mental image of Georgi getting whipped from her head.

"That sounds… odd, but not bad." Riker had to admit.

"Well it's completely inaccurate!" Deanna went on. "He's got a rocket ship in the back yard… in the 1700's, and has a Harem of only black pregnant women, and grows opium for the King of England."

"All weird, but where is the bad part."

"He also eats Squash Casseroles while watching Gilmore Girls in a IMAX theater."

"Great Space Jesus!" Riker coughed. "Are you serious?"

"I wouldn't have come to you otherwise."

"The Captain definitely needs to hear about this." Riker told her.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard sat stunned behind his desk once Riker and Troi had given him a report on Barclay's actions. After pulling down his shirt, he stood up and walked over to the replicator to get himself a tonic to easy his quacking stomach after hearing something so disgusting.

"I was willing to let the instances of Lt. Broccoli's drawing Anne Frank in bikinis go… but Gilmore Girls?"

"Yes." Deanna said in a weak voice. "Not even the good ones either, the later season shows when Rory is at college."

"Horrifying." Riker muttered under his breath.

"As horrifying it might be it's not grounds for removal." Picard sighed and sat back down behind his desk. "The worst I can do is removing him from duty for a week."

"So he can spend more time with his fantasy life? That's completely unhealthy." Deanna said.

"If only we could… get rid of him… and not get in trouble for it." Riker pondered aloud.

"That's it Number One." Picard placed his tonic down. "Let's get Worf to kill him."

"Worf is afraid of Barclay after he showed him his collection of nude images of Lt. Commander Janeway."

Picard winced. "Agh… who can blame him."

"Wait a moment sir." Deanna interrupted. "Starfleet frowns on wrongful punishment, but is okay with assignation?"

"If Worf does it and says it's a religious or cultural thing, Starfleet will accept it. They do it all the time because they don't want to look racist in front of the Klingons. I just have to reprimand him and be done with it. "

"Then let's kill him!" Riker stood up beaming.

"Like you said told you, Worf is afraid of Barnicle, and I don't blame him."

"But who else do we know that is free of Starfleet rules and is man enough to murder someone as sick and creepy as Barclay?" Riker asked.

Deanna smiled softly. "I think I know who… Wesley Crusher."

Wesley placed down barbell weights, then wiped off the sweat from his nicely toned muscles as Commander Riker walked in. Putting out his cigar, Wesley walked over to Riker, giving him a charming grin.

"Hello, Commander Riker!"

"Wes. I didn't mean to interrupt your work out."

"It's okay." Wesley told him. "I have a date with a set hot Bajoran triplets in Ten-Forward, so I was going to end early anyway."

"Always the ladies man." Riker smiled shaking his head. "Reminds me of my younger days."

"Want a beer?" Wesley asked as he opened up his Dallas Cowboy cooler and pulled a fresh Budweiser out of the ice.

"I'm still on duty." Riker declined. "Oh …. and I'm not here about what I owe you in last week's poker game."

Wesley raised his hands and shook his head. "I told you, it's just a friendly game, whenever you have it is fine with me."

"I intend to pay you soon… but what I want to talk to you about is Lt. Barclay."

"Did he pet Data's cat again?"

"I don't think so…" Riker wondered. "Last time that happened Spot changed genders. No, I'm not talking about that. The Captain has a problem. He wants to get rid of Barclay, yet not get in trouble with Starfleet. Worf is to afraid of him, and Guinan is off ship at the Gorn Wrestling Federation event.

"That is a problem." Wesley thought, as he bent over to pick up his power tools and put them away. "I might have to think about it."

"When you come up with a solution, inform the Captain." Riker told him.

"Yes sir, right after my charoit race with Geordi."

Everyone gathered in the Briefing Room the next morning, as Wesley had come up with a plan. Wesley looked a bit worn out from a long night of physical activity, but ever the man he was, was present with no complaints. Picard sat at the head of the table, looking over Padd displays of Barclay's latest drawings of Hitler in a speedo.

"What have you come up with, Mr. Crusher?" Picard asked, placing down the distasteful image depicting a huge package.

"This might seem old fashioned, but I was thinking we could get rid of Barclay in a staged accident. Some options I thought of are having an overload in Barclay's panel in engineering…"

"Oh… I see where you're going with this… we feed secondary power into his console, then BAM, the panel explodes and Barclay lights up like a Christmas tree, Whooowee!" Geordi exclaimed.

"How would one light up like a Christmas Tree?" Data asked. Everyone ignored him, as usual.

Picard shook his head. "As a last resort, maybe. I don't like having to waste valuable ship energy on Barnaby."

Geordi shrugged. "The power is yours."

"That's one idea I had." Wesley went on. "The other is to have him on an away team, and beam down into a dangerous area, then accidentally let him get killed by a creature or the rough environment."

"I like this option more." Picard nodded. "We shouldn't have to waste valuable man hours repairing Barcliff's station."

"There is one problem with the away mission plan." Dr. Crusher brought up.

"I forgot you were there Doctor." Picard jumped.

Everyone looked at her as if surprised she could speak. She went on nevertheless. "Lt. Barclay is afraid of transporters. He might refuse to go on the away mission."

"I'll order him!" Riker said firmly. Worf slammed his fist on the table and lifted his tankard of mead.

"He can always refuse it and drop out of Starfleet, and claim we forced him to do something he was afraid of!" Dr. Crusher went on.

"Dr. Pulaski, if I want to hear bullshit, I'll talk to Worf." Picard complained.

"Perhaps we should give him a reason to volunteer joining the away team." Data suggested. "Something that he can not pass up."

"Like what?" Riker asked.

"Well Reg has always been fond of Gul Dukat." Geordi brought up. "We can say that Dukat is on the planet giving signed copies of his holonovel How to Exterminate a Popular and Still Feel Good About Yourself While Raping it's Women."

Wesley nodded. "That's perfect. He'll love that."

Picard looked around the room then nodded. "Make it so."

Riker, Geordi, Data, Wesley, and Barclay met in Transporter Room 6. Reg had his copy of How to Exterminate a Popular and Still Feel Good About Yourself While Raping it's Women with him. As they stepped on the transporter pad, everyone tried to look normal, as Barclay still looked nervous about joining the mission.

"Are you sure Gul Dukat is down there on Vagra II?"

"Reg, how many times do I have to tell you?" Geordi grinned. "He's down there, waiting… but you don't have to take my word for it."

Riker nodded. "This isn't about meeting Dukat, folks, this is about investigating Cardassian agricultural techniques."

"Frankly, Commander, I don't see how the Federation can hope to achieve the same success as the Cardassians without Bajoran slave labor." Barclay shoot his head.

"It's not for us to decide, Lt." Riker snapped. "Transporter Chief, energize."

After they had materialized on the planet surface Data noticed that Barclay was holding something else.

"What is that Lt. Barclay?"

"Oh, this? Why, uh, it's my copy of Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer."

"THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!" Data shouted pointing.

"Data, what's wrong?" Geordi asked.

"I do not have emotions, and be thankful that I do not, because I may have harmed Lt. Barclay."

"Isn't that the whole reason why we're here?" Geordi asked.

"E-Excuse me?" Barclay asked in a stutter.

"It doesn't concern you, Reg, how about you scan that area over there with your tricorder as we wait for Dukat to show up."

Barclay walked off and everyone gave a sigh of relief. Riker walked over to the rest of them. "I say we beam out now and just leave him here."

"Our orders were quite clear, Commander." Data said. "We must make sure he is not alive."

"And after seeing that special edition of Fantastic Four 2, I'm more encouraged to do it myself." Wesley added, tipping his cowboy hat up, "but we stick to the plan."

As they neared the location where the plan would take shape, Geordi called Barclay back.

"Reg, I think we need your expertise to analyze that black liquid over there."

Barclay nodded but hesitated. "Sir, I haven't seen any signs of Cardassian agriculture here on this planet, nor any sign of life of any kind!"

"We heard that Gul Dukat personally created that black liquid to grow plants." Wesley told him. "Let's get a sample of it while we wait for Dukat to show up."

Barclay smiled happily and walked over to it. Suddenly, the sludge from into the shape of a person and reached out for Barclay. Before he could run away, it engulfed him and sucked him inside itself.

"I am Armus! I am evil! I have taken your man and I can kill him at any moment!" The creature said.

Riker rolled his eyes. "Good hurry up."

"Wait Commander." Wesley held up his hand, then walks closer to Armus. "Don't kill him, he is all we have!"

"What is he doing?" Data stepped forward, but was stopped by Geordi.

"Just wait, Data, I think the kid is on to something."

"He is valuable to you?" Armus asked.

"He is our heart! If you kill him, we will be sad forever." Wesley said.

"THEN I'LL KILL HIM!"

And with that Barclay was swallowed up completely and soon was dead. Armus laughed evilly but soon realized that everyone was cheering and high-fiving. Even Data.

"W-What?"

"I can't believe that worked!" Geordi laughed.

"Pwned!" Data said stiffly.

"Riker to Enterprise, Four to beam up!"

"NOOOOOO!" Armus shouted as they transported away.

"Once again we saved humanity as we know it." Riker said as he entered the bridge with the rest of the away crew. "And in record time."

Worf shook his head. "I still can not get those images out of my head."

"Relax Worf," Deanna grinned. "If it helps you to forget those images of Lt. Comm Janeway, can see me naked."

"That is not helping Councilor."

Riker smirked. "Human women aren't to your liking?"

"Ugly ones."

Wesley shrugged. "Well, lets hurry this up. I have a football game to play later on and I don't want to be late."

"I think it's about time we get under way anyway." Picard said, watching Wesley take over conn. "Ensign, plot a course to Risa, warp 8. I think we've all earned a break… and maybe some Root-beer Floats!"

Everyone cheer, except for Beverly because she wasn't on the bridge.

"Course plotted in, Sir."

Picard sat down and smiled an adventurous smile. He leaned forward in his seat. "Engage."

And with that, the Enterprise D warpped off into space, never happier than it was at that moment.