Depression is the constant feeling of numb.
Remus Lupin liked the quiet. It wasn't that he was lazy or easily frightened by noise, but there was something to be said about the quiet. Now of course sometimes the quiet could last days on end and only with the prompting of laughing grey eyes, tilted glasses, and quiet slyness that he moved him from the closed curtains of his bed. In fact, though the noise was exhausting, he never once regretted leaving the quiet. For some reason that made leaving the aloneness all the more difficult.
At first Remus just thought he was lazy. After all, when Sirius and James had quidditch practice and Peter was goodness knows where, there was no one to move him from his quiet peaceful setting. It wasn't that he was completely idle he supposed, rather he just didn't care anymore. There seemed to be some sort of heaviness around him and he had perfected the art of not doing anything but remaining busy for hours and hours on end.
It was a sneaky sort of quiet. One that snuck up on him until at the end of the day he realized just how unproductive he had been. He was lucky his brains made up for his lack of time management. Herbology homework was easily completed in class as it was assigned if not before, transfiguration usually threw him for a loop but he was nothing if not an expert at coming up with excuses when doing things at the last minute failed. The only class that truly excited him was Defense Against the Dark Arts and even still he didn't have to try that hard to pass.
No one seemed to notice the quiet. Not his father who spent too long at work to notice his son lying fully clothed on the bed staring at the ceiling. Not his teachers who only saw a bright, if lazy, student whose lack of effort could easily be blamed on the company he kept. Not James who was so full of energy, kept dragging him to different quidditch matches and throwing orange scarves, t-shirts, and charmed dancing facial stickers of the Chudly Canons all over Remus. Not Peter, who though slightly shy like Remus himself, only came to him for studying help as he couldn't manage turning his quill into a toad and McGonagall threatened extra homework if he didn't figure it out by Tuesday.
No one seemed to notice the ever present quiet that is except for Sirius Black. The boy with the laughing grey eyes and hair too long for anything good to come of it always seemed to see Remus retreating. He didn't say anything but while Sirius was there, the quiet stayed away. Of course, it was hard for the quiet to press its ever overbearing weight into Remus when a giant black barking dog kept pouncing on him and licking his face.
Yes, Sirius Black knew of the quiet that plagued his furry little friend. He knew all about hiding in one's personality to distract from the haunting weight ever present ahead. He knew about playing joke after joke to distract from the days he didn't appear in the Great Hall even for meals. He knew about the struggle every day when the quiet encouraged him to "stay in bed" that "one missed day won't hurt anyone" that "really he deserved to take a full day off of everything." He knew that somedays you win and somedays the quiet wins. Somedays you wake up from a four hour long nap after getting twelve hours of sleep already and the hatred of self that follows. As much as he can claim being overworked and exhausted, really he knows that today quiet won a battle. He realizes just how much ground he'll have to make up the next month to gain it back.
So when he starts to notice how Remus is sleeping later and later everyday despite the full moon being weeks away, he knows the quiet has found another victim. This time however he's unwilling for it to prey on anyone but himself. He pushes aside the fog hanging over him for a second and focuses on the friend in front of him who's once again doing his Defense essay in the five minutes leading up to class. He remembers fourth year, before things went to hell and Remus' mother died in a muggle raid while doing the normal grocery shopping, how Remus was meticulous about getting his assignments done in advance. How he would get lost at dinner trying to plan when he'd get the homework done before the full moon took place. He remembers the stare into space and the mouthed wording and the furrowed brow of Remus deciding to spend late nights in the library and plots to use James' invisibility cloak to sneak in after curfew should he need extra materials. Now as he looks over at Remus furiously scribbling to add the last two inches to the twelve-inch essay on why transfiguring inanimate objects into animate objects is harder than the other way around and remembers a time when Remus would've bored them to tears recounting all his extra research. Sirius realizes just how much he misses the twinkle in Remus' eyes as he rambled on about living energy compared to regular energy and the arithmatic laws behind even the simplest of spells and he vows to bring that spark back.
Remus is surprised when he comes back from Ancient Runes to find a giant black dog perched on his bed. He could've sworn James, Peter, and Sirius all had Divination this hour and usually he would just curl up and take a nap during the free time away from the other Mauraders. Padfoot however doesn't really give time for Remus to contemplate this and soon is jumping down from the bed and pouncing on Remus wagging his tail, placing his paws directly on Remus' shoulders.
"Padfoot this is ridiculous. Aren't you getting too old to harass me in dog form?" But as he says this a brilliant grin lights up his face and he doesn't even both complaining when Sirius licks his face getting slobber everywhere. "I suppose telling you to go to class is useless right now?" Remus asked. For answer all he got was a bark as Padfoot bounded out the dorm room. Seeing as he didn't want to risk Sirius getting into unnecessary trouble Remus followed behind if laughing a bit at the giant dog's antics.
The afternoon walks to the lake with Padfoot become a pattern and though Remus is incredibly curious how Sirius keeps getting out of Divination every day, he enjoys the walks far too much to question his rebellious friend. "Besides," he reasons, "if it becomes an actual problem the professors will stop him eventually." This reasoning helps him rationalize his moral side and just enjoy the feeling of lightness that he forgot existed.
Their walks do attract attention. People begin to talk about Remus' new familiar and how friendly the big black dog is, sometimes in Remus' opinion too friendly. On occasion, they've run into a professor or two who have free periods and once, Dumbledore greeted them along their path commenting on how brilliant it is that Remus adopted a stray with a knowing wink. The weather gets colder and Remus worries that their walks will end when it starts snowing. That maybe Sirius will come to his senses and abandon him once again. Still when the first blizzard hits, Remus finds him casually sitting on his bed setting up a chessboard.
"I figured you'd rather stay indoors than brave the wind." Sirius jokes placing the last pawn on the board. Remus however was still a bit shocked to see Sirius in human form. There had been almost an unspoken rule between them not to talk about their walks and of course Remus had assumed he would never see Sirius himself in human form during these times. Quickly he shakes himself and joins Sirius on the bed opposite to him.
"Didn't think much of it actually, but no I rather think indoors is the place to stay today."
They sit in silence for the majority of the game both concentrating too deeply on their strategies for much conversation. It's the closest thing to their walks Sirius could think of as he calls for his knight to take Remus' queen, and he's noticed Remus finally getting somewhat better.
There's an unspoken agreement between the two not to speak of their free hour together. Occasionally it comes up in passing when James casually makes a comment about Sirius dropping divination to "Work with McGonagall on his future." Or when Peter makes a comment about how much better Sirius has gotten at chess since they last played, but they never truly speak of it. Sometimes Remus burns to ask Sirius why, but he always chickens out not wanting to disturb the peace that the one hour brings him. For that hour the heaviness seems to shift and Remus can breathe more easily.
Unbeknownst to Remus, the hour together every day isn't the only effort Sirius put into fighting the war. Having similar schedules and courses made Lily Evens the perfect study partner for Remus, James' jealousy be damned. Remus needed someone to keep him occupied during quidditch practice when James and Sirius can't distract him and Peter off getting tutoring. A little favor here and a little nudge there has Remus scurrying off to the library where, as Sirius planed, he runs into Lily at the entrance. Both being prefects they strike up a conversation, much to an invisible Sirius' delight, and plan to study Arithmancy during quidditch practices. After a couple of meet ups, Lily flippantly reveals Sirius' meddling with a comment.
"Who would've thought Black of all people would be right about study partners?" This throws Remus for a second before he promptly replies
"Really now? Sirius Black told you to study with me?" He's the picture of innocence with his eyebrows raised a question in his eyes.
"Well not exactly" Lily said. "He overheard me one day complaining about Arithmancy homework and how no one understood the material very well because Professor Vector does a terrible job explaining. He just kind of jumped in and mentioned that you struggled too in an off-comment sort of way."
Remus doesn't respond and they go back to their work however he does store that information to contemplate at a later date.
The winter season passes calmly and serenely and in the spring, Remus finally works up the courage to ask an important question. It's unseasonably warm out and Remus came back to the dorm to see Padfoot wagging his tale begging for the outdoors. Chuckling quietly, Remus grabs his scarf and they're off wandering the grounds, basking in the rare sunlight, and enjoying the crisp breeze that still ruffles Padfoot's fur and musses Remus' hair. Looking out down the path they're walking Remus finally asks.
"Why?" The questioning nudge of his hand with Padfoot's nose has him gently scratching him behind the ears as he continues. "Why did you drop divination? I know it wasn't to 'Contemplate your Future' like James says or to just skive off classes like Peter believes. I know it's not because you need the extra study time like you told Dumbledore and McGonagall, and I definitely know it's not to snog with the ladies as so many claim. So why, Padfoot, did you drop a class solely to keep me company? And furthermore, why did you set me up to study with Lily? You though I wouldn't notice but you I know your tricks." Though Remus has found it better to be walking, he pauses now crouching down to look Sirius in his doggy eyes. "Why was it so important to you to keep the quiet out of my life?" At this Sirius gently sighs and then turns and walks towards a large tree that grows right outside McGonagall's office. Its placement conceals a small space between the wall and the openness of the grounds. Here Padfoot changes back to Sirius and turns to face the questioning Lupin leaning against the sturdy bark of the maple tree.
"Because I noticed Remus."
"Noticed?"
"Yes. I noticed you scribbling to finish the last two inches of an essay you started ten minutes prior to class. I noticed you sleeping past noon on Saturdays and spending just a little too much time behind those curtains. I noticed how you skipped dinner because you got 'busy' in the library and how sometimes you'll be gone for hours on end only to be found staring at the ceiling in the dorm.
"I noticed Moony and I couldn't ignore it. I noticed the quiet settling down on you and I couldn't let it. I couldn't watch you slowly fade as you continued to lie in bed not even thinking anymore. I couldn't watch you try and fight that battle alone. Only one of us is allowed to be at war here and it doesn't get to be you. I couldn't let it be you.
"So I decided I'd fight your battle by not giving you the option. The quiet only sets in when people aren't around, I would know. Keeping busy is the only way to fight it and prank research can only go so far. I hate divination. There's no point to it and really, I was wasting my time like you said when me, Peter, and James all signed up third year. Padfoot is better at companionship than I am so I assumed you'd want him instead. Lily was a lucky happenstance. I had originally planned on inviting you to watch us practice but that's not you and the quiet would've set back in. You're too good for that Remus, I couldn't watch it happen to you when all along it was meant for me anyways." When the silence got to be too much, Sirius opened his eyes looking at Remus quite vulnerable. Warm brown eyes met the soft grey and suddenly Sirius was enveloping him in strong steady arms as those brown eyes filled with tears.
"I knew it was getting bad but I thought I had everything under control. My grades were still fine, I wasn't sad per say, things just got harder to do." He mumbled into Sirius' shoulder. "I…there was no one over the summer…Dad just kind of left…and I couldn't…" and soon Remus, after months and months of keeping everything inside, wept. He cried for his mother, for the war they were being thrust into, for the loss of his safety, for everything his life had piled onto him. Pulling away embarrassed he quickly swiped at the stray tears still running from his eyes. Sirius gruffly began running a hand through his hair.
"Last summer when my parents joined the rest of the purebloods they gave me a choice. Either join Him or be cast out. Well I couldn't exactly cast my vote for…for that monster, so I left. I shoved everything important I could think of in my trunk and left. The worst part was when Reg met me by the door. Everyone had gone to bed to 'give me the night to realize what was really important.' He looked so hurt and all I could see was that three-year-old climbing into bed with me after a nightmare. I…I left him there alone Remus. I was supposed to protect him from the rest but I couldn't anymore. He wouldn't go with me and Remus I couldn't stay. There was no choice in the matter.
"It sets in slowly you know? You sleep an extra hour here, maybe you don't go outside one day there. Sometimes you skip a meal and before you know it, you've spent the whole day in bed thinking about nothing and sleeping your life away.
"You don't deserve that fight Moony. Not when you have to fight everything else every goddamn day. Whether it be because the full moon's approaching, or because your dad forgot to owl you, you fight all the time and you didn't deserve to have to fight this too. So I decided I would do it for you." By then some tears had leaked from the furious grey eyes wanting to protect his friend from the burden and the heaviness of the quiet and silence. Embarrassed, Sirius turned away and started to shift back into Padfoot. Remus regarded him softly. Then knowing that Sirius didn't want to acknowledge the emotional turmoil he just released, he slowly rested his hand on the nape of Padfoot's neck.
"Thank you."
The walks continued with a new sense of ease and Remus was more conscious of the quiet hidden in Sirius' eyes. He noticed the subtle changes of topic if things got too close to home and soon Sirius became familiar with the soft touch of Remus squeezing his hand under the table, or a comforting touch on the shoulder disguised as a grab for Sirius' attention.
Together they kept the quiet away and really that was all either ever needed.