Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto etc.

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"Because I'm not gay, damn it."

"Yes you are, I can't image why you don't know it yet. I've never seen you even speak to a woman unless it was work-related. Much less date one"

"I don't date anybody. Not guys, not women. So that means nothing."

"Look, Iruka, we've been friends a long time. If you've got gender confusion issues, you should let me help you. Because I'm free right now, and in a good position to assist you."

"Gender confusion. That's rich." Iruka sighed, shaking his head. "Because you've been such a good friend, I'm going to tell you something almost no one else knows. And I swear, if you ever tell anyone, ANBU or not, I will kill you. Do you still want to hear it?"

Kakashi was even more intrigued. "absolutely. You can trust me, you of all people know that."

"You know, a long while back I was first teaching Naruto, and we had an altercation with Mizuki. Do you remember?"

"Mmm-hmm," Kakashi nodded , eye alert above his mask.

"That shot to the back wasn't the only one I 'took for the team'" he paused. "it's taken a long time to be able to face the reality of it. The truth is, Mizuki approached me under guise of an apology later, and I took the bait. I mean, he was someone I had placed a lot of faith and affection in. I was willing to believe that he was truly remorseful."

Kakashi's eye was starting to droop a little. Iruka was losing his audience.

"Never mind." Iruka broke off the story, a little relieved. What a stupid idea to tell anyone, even his best friend!

"No," Kakashi objected, "What happened, Ru? He broke your heart?"

Iruka laughed, but there was no humor in it. It sounded bitter.

"No. Not even close. He did try to seduce me though. He thought he could curry some favor I think, keep me on his side for his hearing. He got angry when I told him he was going to deserve whatever punishment they gave him. We both knew he was guilty. But I'd already made a huge mistake, underestimating him like that. He overpowered me, and he was going to rape me. I said a lot of things to try and hurt him, to make him stop…I really pissed him off. So he just pulled out his blade and sliced my balls off. And from what I understand, used my blood for lube and did the deed anyway. I was unconscious at that point, I guess there's a small favor in there somewhere…"

Kakashi's mouth was gaping under the mask. Stated so matter-of-fact from this sweet, seemingly self-assured person. He was speechless.

"So I wouldn't describe my state as gender confusion. So if you could please have some respect for my privacy, and stop with the gay thing, I'd appreciate it. It should make sense why I'm celibate, now that you've got the gist of my situation. Even if this puts a crimp in our friendship, it was something I needed to tell you. You, and a few people bound to silence by legal and medical oaths are the only ones who know. "

"Are you okay?" Kakashi asked stupidly. What the hell do you say to a revelation like that?

"I'm the same today as I was yesterday, a month ago, two years ago…it happened a long time ago, Kakashi. You know, back then I was a struggling not to be what I really was, which was a proper ass, right up to that point. Always in trouble, jerking everybody around and fighting. I was trying to be a good sensei but the example I was trying to set was a fake. Too much testosterone, I guess. Well, that was all resolved after the incident. My personality and my life were changed forever, hell maybe for the better. Regardless, it's part of who I am now."

"I…can't image you as a jerk." this is too weird.

"Well, I was, but it certainly took all the wind out of my sails. Now you know why I'm still chunin. Maybe it sheds some light for you?"

Kakashi peered at him openly

"You don't have to look at me that way," Iruka scowled. " I've had therapists and I've talked it out ad nauseum. Enough already. I've accepted it."

"You take something for it?"

"You mean hormones? Yeah, how the hell else would I keep looking like this?" he shook his head. "So I'm perfectly fine."

"So up the dose and find out if you're gay."

It was Iruka's turn to gape. "I never realized what an insensitive jerk you can be."

"It was the subject that started this conversation," he pointed out. "It's not like I'm dragging it in out of context. You seriously haven't tried anything with anybody at all since then."

"Let me slice your balls off," he growled, "and let's see how anxious you are to offer your ass up to anybody."

Kakashi's face was getting red. Damn, he thought, this is kind of hot. Not a kink you'd normally be made aware of in a normal lifetime. It was like the ultimate unattainable goal. He'd checked out of the conversation momentarily, and decided to check back in.

"It was - mutilation." Kakashi stated oddly, almost to himself. "Did he do anything else to you?"

"You're not going to get sick, are you?" Iruka asked, taken aback. His friend look flushed and a little unfocused above the dark mask. "It's a shock to you. I guess I've just told this story to so many doctors and psych-nins, I can recite it in my sleep. I'm sorry."

"So now that I know, I should be able to help you. You're still hot, Ru. Now that I know why you've been turning me down, I think I can…"

"No. I have been, and always will be, your friend WITHOUT benefits."

Kakashi considered that. Come to think of it, Iruka was the only friend he had who would not provide him with benefits.

"Just don't mess with my head," Iruka said calmly. " It's taken a long time to get it screwed back on properly."

"I…wow…you're right, man, as secrets go, I think that tops just about anything I've heard." Kakashi pinched his mask away from his face a few times to freshen the air under it. The silence was getting a little uncomfortable. "So, look, I've got to go, how about I come back by this evening and we'll talk some more?"

"I'll probably be grading papers, but you're welcome to come by - really, Ki, I don't need to talk about it. I wasn't looking for a shoulder. Come on by and hang if you're bored, though."

Kakashi staggered off, excited and perplexed at his own reaction. What the hell, he thought with a giddy silk-hidden smile. Why do I feel like this? Hearing about by best friend's mutilation and rape? No, of course not, he would love to find that bastard Mizuki and relieve him of all of his appendages one by one after hearing that. It was curiosity? The challenge? No, close, but not quite.

He didn't even see him until he crashed into Gai, not an easy thing to do considering his height, ambient noise level and wardrobe choices.

"My worthy opponent," Gai said in gentlemanly concern, "Drinking this early?"

'Oh! Gai! No, no , just … I just heard some news…well old news, apparently, but news, and new to me…it was kind of shocking."

"Let my vast knowledge of worldly events and sociological hierarchies provide clarity in your wandering hour of confusion, my revered rival!" Looking around, Gai leaned in close. "Spill. What did you hear?"

"Ah - let's sit down. It really is a secret, so if I share this with you, you can't tell anyone. I mean this would be like a big betrayal if it got out."

This must be some secret, Gai thought. "You know I'm trustworthy."

"Mizuki cut…ah. Ok Iruka has…Wait, I have to think how to put this. I just found out. From Iruka. That a long time ago. He was …injured…by Mizuki. And it made him,uh…He castrated him."

"You lie!" Gai blurted.

"Shut the hell up!" Kakashi shushed angrily. "No, I don't lie. Sliced 'em off and then holed him while he was passed out. That's some serious shit to live with."

" My desire now is that I had opted for you not to divulge this secret," Gai croaked. "This 'serious shit' is hard to even hear. How does he maintain sanity?"

"He says he's worked through it, had therapy and he takes hormones. It - Gai, it floored me. He tells me this and I'm like, he's so much hotter like this. It spanked me hard. What the fuck is that?"

"My over-enthusiastic friend, we both know how eclectic your tastes are, but I confess this is a little shocking even for you. Maybe it's a protective thing?"

Kakashi shook his head. "I really want to see the scar."

"Okay, Kakashi," Gai grabbed his shoulder hard. "don't ever repeat that. As your sounding board, let me tell you - that is sick shit." He left go, and Kakashi rocked back.

"Yeah, I know. It feels obsessive."

"Un-obsess it. Find one of Iruka's therapist and make an appointment or I might have to kill you."

Kakashi sighed. The man knows how to cut through the bullshit.