Miner's Day had come again. It was such a beloved holiday in Storybrooke that it had continued even after the first curse was broken, through the years that followed. This year, there was no curse to be broken, no villain threatening everyone. Now that the Black Fairy was gone, the final battle was over. It seemed everyone really had found their happy endings- or happy beginnings. This really would be a celebration.
The only difficulty was the Gold, Mills, and Charming families were all connected. That meant since Hook was Emma's husband and technically Henry's stepfather, Rumple and Hook had to try to avoid killing each other. That was easier said than done. The best that could be said was Hook didn't try embedding his hook in Rumple's chest and Rumple didn't make a move to rip Hook's heart out and crush it. Belle gave Rumple a grateful look. She knew this was hard for him. That was enough to help him keep control. That didn't mean either he and Hook couldn't speak their mind and exchange a few insults. They did every chance they had without being overheard.
"Decided to come out of the swamp and socialize Crocodile? Usually don't see you at public gatherings."
Rumple waited until Hook took a bite of some food before he replied.
"Odd, I thought you usually survived off liquid nourishment Dearie." He glanced at a wine bottle and smirked as Hook scowled.
By now, Emma had drank a fair bit of wine. In all honestly, Rumple couldn't say he blamed her. The dwarfs were being loud and boisterous, singing songs in the top of their lungs in their own language. They'd had a few beers, which added to their revelry and subtracted from their thinking. Grumpy was teaching Henry a few colorful words in dwarf.
Hook, on the other hand, was limited to one glass and only water after that. For some reason Emma had been down on his drinking habit ever since she and Regina had returned from the wish realm. Rumple wondered what the Hook in that world was like to have made Emma so amendment against his drinking. He would have loved seeing a drunk, bumbling Hook embarrassing himself. Actually- that wasn't a half bad idea.
With a subtle wave of his hand, Rumple changed the water in Hook's glass. Now, it had an alcohol content higher than any stiff drink the pirate would have tried before. The pirate sipped it with a martyred expression. Once he'd emptied the first glass he looked eagerly at the water pictcher. No one would smell or taste a difference, but he was already feeling it.
"Hmm, you know water isn't actually half bad once you start getting used to it," he commented. He poured himself another glass. Rumple added alcohol to that too, rather than the picture in case anyone else would drink any. Before long, Hook was the most well hydrated pirate in history. He joined in the dwarf songs, making up his own words for them. Luckily the children were busy with their own games. Better they didn't hear language like that. Belle was unaware too. Gideon was being unusually fussy, needing changing or something every few minuets it seemed. If Rumple hadn't known a baby couldn't think in those terms, he would have sworn Gideon was distracting Belle on purpose.
Before much longer, it was impossible not to notice Hook was drunk out of his mind. It was especially obvious when he stood up on a chair, joining in the dwarf songs. Whether anyone else spoke dwarf or no, it was clear those weren't what the lyrics translated to. At least, everyone hoped not. Those words were never meant to be spoken in a family setting.
"Emma! You might want to say something to him," Snow prompted her daughter. It was no use. Emma was every bit as smashed as the pirate was. Her words were a bit too slurred to make sense, but she tried saying something back to Snow. That was right before she passed out face first into a bowl of veggie dip.
"Charming, a little help?" Snow shouted desperately, but there wasn't much he could do other than move Emma's head. Hook slurred something about helping, but ended up falling backwards off the chair he'd been standing on, hitting his head on the table on the way down. Rumple had to walk away then. There was no way he was going to be able to hold back the laughter at that. Belle was back at the table before he was, wondering what had happened. He was just barely able to hide his smirk.
It was a few days later when he overheard Emma talking to Belle. Emma had come into the pawn shop looking for her to ask if she could watch little Neal. Belle had become a bit of a babysitting service lately, not that Rumple minded having children around. Then the talk turned to Miners' Day.
"Killian swears he only drank one glass of wine, I can't remember because those damn Dwarfs singing so loud made me want to drink even more, so I got drunk before he did. I just don't get it. That drunk from one glass of wine? Then Mom and Dad made such a big deal out of it all, especially when Killian stood on a chair and started singing along with the Dwarfs," Emma told her.
"Is that how he ended up on the floor?" Belle asked. "I came back from feeding Gideon just in time to see him laying there."
"Must have been. I don't remember. Anyway, that's not the worst of it. Apparently Killian was using his own lyrics, which little Neal picked on and used in school the next day. He got suspended for a week. Suspended from first grade! And Mom is blaming us for it!"
That did it. Rumple couldn't hold back the laughter anymore. He went into the back room where Gideon was playing in his playpen. He soundproofed it, and then laughed so hard he had to set down. Gideon started laughing too, and once he'd recovered from laughing so much Rumple picked his son up.
"That pirate deserves far worse, but I can still have a little fun with him."
"Ba piwate," Gideon babbled.
"That's right. Bad pirate. Just let's not say that in front of your mother, ok?"
The two spent a little while in the back room before Rumple came out again, holding his son. No one ever had to know about the real reason Hook was so drunk, and it was hardly suspicious. Drunk was the pirate's normal state anyway.