Umbridge Got Run Over By A Hippogriff
A spoof of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". I do not own the Christmas carol, which inspired this, or any of the Harry Potter world. This just popped into my head one day when I was listening to the aforementioned Christmas carol. I felt like it deserved to be its own oneshot, not a part of a story. Plus, it's seasonal.
Fred and George were bored.
It was Christmas break of their last year at Hogwarts, and the dictator-like Umbridge had banned any form of fun. They half expected that she would soon create an Educational Decree in which students would be banned from anything enjoyable.
Possibly even laughing and smiling would be banned.
Thus, the twins were resorting to vastly smaller things for amusement. So far they were managing to brew and produce their various pranking candies, along with a few other things that might be used for general fun.
To remedy this prospect, the twins were becoming increasingly skilled at operating in private.
Sure, Hermione disapproved of it all, but she also hated Umbridge for being such a horrible person. Even Hermione couldn't agree with the way Umbridge taught, because in a way, she wasn't teaching at all. Reading from the books was utterly useless.
In the twins' humble opinion, it was a mark of how bad the teacher was if they were learning more from a fifteen-year-old. And probably everyone else held that same opinion. For sure, McGonagall hated Umbridge.
Fortunately, Hermione had agreed to give them a few Muggle Christmas carol lyrics. At least this way they could amuse themselves by messing with the words, changing things. Equally fortunately, Hermione's mother had sent her a half dozen different songs, all neatly printed and "typed".
George thought it looked like Mrs Granger wanted the songs to be altered, and Fred was, as so often happened, inclined to agree.
They flipped through the pages. It was all on paper, and the twins wondered how Mrs Granger had got the words so neatly written. It was impeccable.
Snoopy's Christmas.
Jingle Bells.
The Fairytale of New York.
Last Christmas.
Frosty the Snowman.
The last one, however, really stood out to the twins. The words near jumped off the page, and they looked at each other with the familiar glint of mischief in their eyes.
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.
Granted, they weren't quite sure about reindeer. A quick explanation from Harry clarified that they were just like deer, except these ones were used to steer Santa's sleigh.
Hippogriff would do.
Soon enough the twins had "modified" the lyrics. The next thing they needed to do was supply Peeves with the new lyrics, have him memorize them and then destroy the evidence.
Professor McGonagall had, after all, given them permission to prank certain people over the next few months. Her one rule had been simple: don't get caught. They had a few rules in place too: deny, deny, deny. Shift the blame, if they could.
And of course, there was always the borrowed use of Harry's Invisibility Cloak and the Map. Between all those, any prankster could have a field day with whatever they needed or wanted to do. If they wanted to teach a poltergeist a "new and improved" version of a Christmas carol, all they would have to do was refer to the Map, sneak under the Invisibility Cloak and soon enough it would be done.
Getting the tools from Harry was easy. Once they explained that it was an anti-Umbridge thing, he got right on board. He liked her about as much as McGonagall did, after all, and that wasn't much.
It occurred to Fred that maybe they could capitalize on the general hate of Hogwarts' population of Umbridge somehow. That was something to think about.
All Harry requested in return was that he be there to help Peeves learn the lyrics. He wanted, apparently, to remember the lyrics when Umbridge was targeting him for something else that was wrong.
Lyric sheet in hand, it was ten minutes later that they cornered Peeves in an empty classroom, where he was rearranging the desks to resemble a pyramid.
Two hours later the three of them arranged with Peeves to delay the song's debut for another two days and departed, returning to their common room. A quick spell had the parchment of lyrics folding itself into a plane, which then flew into the fire. No sooner had they settled into their chairs to study, than McGonagall walked in to check on her students and make sure they weren't destroying the place.
She observed the innocent look on Harry's face and the suspiciously calm looks on the twins: they all looked like they were suppressing laughter. Whatever they'd done, it didn't appear to be affecting her soon and she'd probably find out what it was.
With that in mind she left, hoping it was some brilliant anti-Umbridge thing. She could use a good laugh, and as long as it was nothing to incriminate her students, she was all for it.
Two days later, McGonagall got her wish. She was in the middle of teaching the sixth-years how to transfigure solid blocks of wood into carved ornaments, when she heard the rather loud voice echoing down the hall.
Class finished, lunch started and Minerva left her classroom for lunch. There was a curious amount of commotion coming from the Great Hall, and she took her seat by Umbridge, who was glaring darkly at her students. Minerva flashed back briefly to Umbridge's speech at the welcoming feast, when the woman had declared she was sure they'd all be very good friends. Now, Umbridge looked as if she'd like nothing more than to hex all her "very good friends."
It seemed that Severus had had the same idea, because he was smirking as he surveyed his students. None of the staff could pinpoint the cause of the noise, or what the students were saying. It was as if someone had cast a bubble between staff and students, muffling what the students were saying.
Just then, Peeves swooped in and several of her Gryffindors looked up, as if expecting him. It only made her suspicious that they'd plotted something.
Then, Peeves began singing.
Umbridge got run over by a Hippogriff,
Walking to her office on Christmas Eve.
She can say there's no such thing as Dumbledore
But as for me and McGonagall, we believe.
Umbridge swung her glare to Minerva, who gazed back as innocent as a kitten. A kitten who most emphatically had not been tangling up a ball of wool with which her owner was knitting. Meantime, the Muggleborns were breaking into laughter as they recognized the song.
She'd been drinking too much sugary pink tea
And we begged her to go
But she forgot her excessively pink wand-holster
And staggered out into the Forbidden Forest.
By now the school was in hysterics, and the twins were crying with laughter.
When they found her on Boxing Day,
At the scene of the attack,
She had hoof prints on her forehead
And an incriminating feather tangled in her hair.
Chorus
Umbridge got run over by a Hippogriff,
Walking to her office on Christmas Eve.
She can say there's no such thing as Dumbledore
But as for me and McGonagall, we believe.
Now we're all so proud of McGonagall,
She's been taking everything in stride.
See her there in her office, doing paperwork,
Drinking Firewhiskey and acting as Headmistress.
Now Minerva was considering a Notice-Me-Not charm. Surely if she disappeared… she was sure the twins and maybe Harry had done this, but did they really have to bring her into it?
It's absolutely Christmas without Umbridge - she's no Dumbledore
All those present are dressed brightly, missing Dumbledore,
And we just can't help but wonder
Does she send gifts or is she a Grinch?
(she's a Grinch!)
Chorus
Umbridge got run over by a Hippogriff,
Walking to her office on Christmas Eve.
She can say there's no such thing as Dumbledore
But as for me and McGonagall, we believe.
By now even the Slytherin students had abandoned all pretence of dignity and were singing along to the ridiculously catchy lyrics. Poppy, on the other hand, looked tempted to force-feed Umbridge several Calming Draughts.
Now the turkey is on the table, going stone-cold
And the pudding made of chocolate.
And the pink and cat-decorated candles
That would just have matched Umbridge's decorating scheme.
I've warned all my friends and neighbours
"Better watch out for yourselves" (especially if you're Umbridge)
They should never give one hundred percent freedom
To a creature who hates pink and fluffiness.
Chorus
Umbridge got run over by a Hippogriff,
Walking to her office on Christmas Eve.
She can say there's no such thing as Dumbledore
But as for me and McGonagall, we believe.
Peeves finished with a rather snazzy dance number which apparently was meant to represent a person being trodden over by a hippogriff.
At this point even the staff were in hysterics. Umbridge was gripping her knife as she retrieved a quill and parchment from her skirt pocket. Minerva peered over her shoulder for a moment, watching as she scribbled EDUCATIONAL DECREE 97: NO MORE CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
Minerva rolled her eyes and went back to her breakfast. Suddenly, she found herself not caring that her name had been dragged into it all, and that Umbridge would be baying for her blood at the next staff meeting. Likely the old hag would think she'd written the song, as if she had nothing better to do.
She did, however, feel the need to award Gryffindor very many points. And from the looks of it, several of her colleagues thought the same.
That evening, Gryffindor was up three hundred points and Umbridge sulked in her office.