Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you
She hadn't moved in hours, not even an inch. She sat completely still, her eyes looking forward, glazed over as though she was empty. Hollow. She still held her son in her arms, his limp body flopped in her arms. Weightless and lifeless.
Ronnie closed her eyes, holding them shut then opening them again, looking down at the baby in her arms. Again and again she does this, praying to a God she doesn't believe in that he would move, blink, breathe. But he was gone.
She'd failed again. The one thing in the world she wanted to succeed in and within a few mere hours it was snatched away.
She couldn't breathe. It was like someone's hands were gripped tight around her neck and she couldn't fight it. The pieces of her world were falling down around her feet and she didn't have the energy to reach out and catch them.
She found herself standing over James' cot now, with no recollection of how she'd got there or how long she'd stood with him in her arms, cradling and singing softly to him. She places a fleeting kiss to his forehead and lays him down.
"Your big sister will look after you now baby" She whispers, her voice hoarse as though she hasn't spoken in days.
Ronnie leaves her flat, walking across the square in a daze. People look at her, wondering where she's going and where her baby is but she doesn't stop to answer. She walks and walks until she reaches the tube station, purchasing a one way ticket and settling herself onto a seat in an almost empty train.
Turning to face the window, Ronnie scrunches her eyes tightly, her whole body burns, as though a million people are staring at her, judging her. She feels lost, likes she's floating around in a place she doesn't belong. She hasn't ever really belonged.
Eventually, hours later, Ronnie's train pulls up at her destination and she wonders off, watching as the train speeds off past her, the smoke whirling up into the sky then disappearing.
A bottle of red sits on the counter in front of her, the bottle opener perched next to it, taunting her, teasing her. She had been doing so well but now she could almost taste the red liquor sliding down her throat, easing the tension amongst her tired muscles. She can see his face in front of hers, feel his breathe on her lips, almost making her vomit and it's enough to make her reach for the bottle. But as she does, a knock at the door startles her and she slams the bottle back down in anger.
With a frustrated sigh she opens her door, a ghost like figure greets her as she does.
"Ronnie?"
"Sorry Car, I had no where else to go"