This story is nearly two years old. My English got better since then, so I hope you'll forgive me the mistakes I 've made.

Listen to your heart

Part 1 - Confessions

"Let's do something fun. I am bored and we never do fun stuff", demanded Cordelia from her co-workers.

"What do you understand by 'something fun'", Wesley asked quietly. He was afraid she thought about going out dancing or anything that would involve moving at all. Wesley was exhausted from their last case and wanted nothing more than going to bed and sleep for at least six hours, but this was Cordelia and he could not resist the possibility of spending time with her.

"Hey, that is not right. We have fun all the time."

"Angel, I mean actual fun. Not the one where we are slaying vampires or killing demons and your idea of having fun is slightly different from the rest of us." Cordelia rolled her eyes at her employer.

"Come on. Don't be so hard on the poof. How much more fun can the man endure? He had fun when he sat in his bloody office and brooded. Oh, and he nearly smiled when he was reading one of his dusty old boring books earlier. He is the incarnation of fun", Spike remarked sarcastically and threw Angel a challenging look. He couldn't let a possibility for pissing off the older vampire pass.

"Excuse me for wanting to have a little time to relax. Not everyone thinks of getting drunk and being rude to anyone around as fun." Angel really felt offended by Spike's remark. He wanted the blond to like him, but somehow they always ended up fighting over nothing.

Since Spike had appeared on his door-step three months ago, seeking shelter, because of the government and the modification behaviour chip, Angel tried to get close to him, but it was harder than he had ever imagined. One way or another Spike always succeeded in pissing him off. Nevertheless he didn't want him to leave. He felt more composed and happier since Spike had moved into the Hyperion.

It was difficult for Angel to sort his feelings towards the younger vampire out. Maybe it was just that one member of his family was back with him. But there were also the dreams. Every night for the past two months he had dreamed about the past, about hunting with Spike, laughing with him and snuggling with him after sex. If only he would see a way to make Spike remember those times, maybe then he would have a chance to take up again where they had left because of the soul.

Angel was lost in his thoughts and didn't notice the others talking. When Spike saw the distant look in Angel's eyes, he wanted to do nothing more than embrace him and kiss him back into reality and then straight to heaven. But there was by no means a chance that Angel would not kick him out or kill him instantly for even touching him. Sure, they had become closer since they worked together, he even became sort of friends with his humans, but the gap between them was too big to assume that they could be more than brothers-in-arms.

So Spike settled for the second possibility he had in being near to Angel. Pissing him off. This way Angel had to notice him, had to talk to him and sometimes even touch him. Although he really could live without being punched in the face. What was it with people and his nose?

"Angel, are you in on it? Hello, Mr tall-dark-and-broody. Angel!" The last part of Cordelia's attempt to get a reaction out of Angel succeeded, when he looked her in the eyes, startled by her yell.

"What? I was just thinking." When Cordelia's annoyed glance met his confused one, he answered without knowing what he should respond to. "Sure, I'm in. Sounds like fun."

Spikes snickered and shot a glance at the brown haired vampire. "I thought that was not your idea of fun, peaches. Getting wasted, slander and gossip about things. Too bad that you already agreed, 'cause it takes a man more brave than you to step up to Cordelia and change your decision."

Damn, Spike was right. He really did not want to tell Cordelia that he had not listened to her, so that she could get into a fit about him being selfish and inattentive whenever she was talking to him. The only way she would forgive him again, would be to go shopping with her or at least give her his credit card and hell would freeze over before he could handle another one of this traumatic experiences. Well, getting drunk and talking about fashion, celebrities and love was his program for the evening. Yeah, for him.

Two hours later they had drunk several bottles of alcohol and Cordelia was already giggling about Wesley's comments and started to check Spike out. Angel had to do something before Spike felt too flattered and did something Cordelia would regret and what would devastate Angel.

"Guys, it's really late. I think we should end this nice soiree now. We have a business to run in the morning."

"Ah, come on, Angel. You're a party-pooper. We are not done here. No way, Hosey! I wanna drink some more. It's fun." Cordelia's words were slurred.

"Cordy, you're going to be sick tomorrow", Angel tried to convince her.

"I'm going to see Nick tomorrow?" Apparently her hearing had suffered because of the alcohol, too. "Nick is a nice guy. He was the back-quarter … no the other way around, a quarterback and my boyfriend. He had this cute little nose and his eyes …hmmm."

"Cordelia, I don't know any Nick and I honestly couldn't care less about his 'cute little nose'. You are wasted. It is time to go home and get a good night's sleep."

Cordelia ignored his words. She thought about Nick and then she had the perfect idea. It would be like the old times when she still had female friends to hang out with.

"I have an idea. Let's tell each other about our first times. Guys, don't pull those faces on me. It will be fun. Please."

Cordelia batted her eyelashes and began to pout a little. Reluctantly the men agreed to her proposition. Damn, she was good. It worked every single time.

Cordelia went first, because it had been her suggestion and therefore Angel had to hear more about Nick's cute little nose and his muscular chest.

Afterwards she convinced Wesley to confess about his first time and with a lot of blushing and stuttering he managed to tell them how it had happened and with whom.

Angel got out of the affair fairly easy. More than two hundred years had passed since his first experience and although he tried to remember it and of course the woman too, he couldn't. Cordelia was enraged by his forgetfulness. She called him a heartless male chauvinistic pig and saw his lack of memory as an affront against women in general.

With a disgusted look she turned away from him and brought her immediate focus onto Spike.

"So, Spike do you at least remember your first time? I mean, hellooo, it's the FIRST TIME. How could someone forget something like this?"

Immediately vivid images of two naked bodies, teasing and stroking each other came to Angel's mind. His hair had been brown then, but the eyes were still the same. Eyes which had begged him to enter, to fill him and give him what he needed. Eyes which had beseeched him to be his first.

"Well, I haven't, but I've heard that a lot of people definitely would like to", responded Spike chuckling. Then he suddenly got serious. Without taking his eyes off of Angel, he began to tell his story. "I was 21 and her name was Cecily. We were deeply in love, before she left me. Stop laughing, cheerleader. This was the 19th century. Most women did not have sex before marriage, so it was a bit harder to get laid."

His comment made Cordelia and Wesley burst out in laughter again. They were too drunk to notice the sad expression on Angel's face. But Spike saw it and for a moment he felt hope that there could be more between him and Angel, but then the face of the older vampire was expressionless once again and Spike believed that he had imagined it. Clearly, the wish had been father to the thought.

After they all had told their respective first-time stories, Wesley yawned; he was definitely drunk, lacking sleep and did he mention drunk? He stumbled to his feet and pulled Cordelia up.

As soon as Angel saw him standing up, he went to the counter and called for a cab. Normally they could have both simply slept in the hotel, but he desperately needed to talk to Spike and it would be a lot easier for him if they would be alone.

The responsible man he was, he brought them outside and waited with them for the taxi. Then he told the driver the destination and quickly went back inside the hotel. He hoped that Spike had not already left.

When he stepped into the foyer, he saw Spike cleaning the remains of their little alcoholic excess. Spike stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed Angel's stern face but pulled himself immediately together again.

He lit a cigarette and dared Angel with a look to stop him from smoking, but Angel didn't even raise an eyebrow at Spike's actions. His thoughts were occupied with the one question that lingered in his mind since their first-time confessions. That was why he spat the words out without paying attention to his harsh tone of voice.

"Why did you lie?"

"Pardon me?" Spike asked pissed off.

"Why did you lie about your first time? Are you ashamed of what we had? Don't tell me you have forgotten it. I wouldn't believe you."

The tension in Spike boiled over. He would not stand here and let Angel fuck with his mind. Did the poof really think that he would acknowledge and worship the 'great' Angelus and his relationship with him in front of the humans? Why should he? So that they could laugh about him or stroke Angel's ego? No friggin' way!

"That right? And why should I remember it at all? You want me to remember pain and me bloody heart being ripped out of my chest? Being used? That it? That would make you happy, you soddin' wanker?"

Angel felt heartbroken by the angry words.

"No, I don't want you to feel that way. I'm sorry, I brought this up. Goodnight, Spike."

"We had nothing, Angel."

Angel closed his eyes and nearly choked on the bitter words. He hurried up the stairs and was glad when he could close the door to his room behind himself.

Therefore he didn't hear the words that were muttered by Spike who now stood alone in the foyer and looked up at the stairs where the man he had fallen in love with over the past few months had disappeared.

"We had nothing. I wish it would have been you. I wish you would have been my first, not Angelus. I wish…"

TBC...