My Life

Chapter One

Saving Grace

BPOV

You know what? Sometimes life just isn't fair. Things are sent to test us, test our will, our values, our promises, our existence.

From an outsider's point of view, I have a fantastic life, well, normal at least. Edward and I are happily married, we have our beautiful daughter Renesmee, a comfortable home and wonderful friends and family.

From the inside, only I know the truth.

I live in this existence, literally, that's all I do. I take care of our daughter, go to work, come home, spend time with my family, pass the evening away how ever I can while Renesmee sleeps and then I live the next day as I did the last. I crave the sleep I used to have when I was human, even the nightmares, because lets face it, at least they provided a sense of excitement.

Before we were married, before he changed me, Edward and I were so in love. Our days were filled with anticipation and fun and our nights were full of that teenage angst. Will we kiss, will he hold my hand, and does he want me? Those wonderful questions that sent electricity through my body, and heat through my veins. We were so in love. The only thing that mattered was that we were together, we loved each other and that soon we would be married and bound to one another for eternity.

Our honeymoon on Isle Esme was phenomenal; I couldn't have imagined anything more beautiful, more luxurious or more lustrous than what we experienced together then. Edward wanted me, more than anything else in the world. He was so proud to be my husband and so thankful that I accepted his proposal so we could do things the 'right way'. My constant requests and not so subtle hints for him to give me one last human experience before he changed me were realised on Isle Esme. It wasn't that he didn't want to, he was afraid that his strength would overpower me in the moment and that he would injure me, or worse, kill me.

It was the opposite. That moment brought me to life and brought happiness to Edwards' soul. I have the memory of that evening forever etched into my mind. In fact, it is that very memory that keeps me going these days. I use it to remind myself of the love, happiness and lust that we used to have for one another. My days, and nights, would be dull without it.

It was our first evening on the Island. We were both so nervous, although neither would admit our anxiety to the other. It was humid so we were a little sweaty from our long boat ride from the mainland. Like a gentleman he showed me where the bathroom was so that I could freshen up. I undressed and had a cool shower, mostly to calm my nerves. Looking back, I'm not sure why I was so nervous, there was no guarantee that the first night would be the night. Human intuition perhaps?

When I finished in the bathroom I wrapped a towel around me, opened the door to the bedroom to find my suitcase opened on the bed. So thoughtful of Edward, he always was, but I was slightly mortified with the realisation that Alice had packed for me and her taste was, well much more eccentric than mine. With great relief I found my jeans and a dark blue blouse on top, but upon digging a little deeper found the only nightwear items were lace, black and see through. "Alice, you are killing me…"

It was far too muggy to put my jeans on, but the lace? I dug a little deeper and found a tank top and shorts, what a relief. When I was dressed I turned to leave the bedroom and caught a glimpse of Edward outside the window on the beach. He was luminescent in the light of the moon, the diamonds on his pale skin were sparkling, and he was breathtaking. I took a quick look at myself in the mirror, pulled at my hair, pinched my cheeks to give them some colour and turned thinking to myself that this would just have to do.

The grains of sand felt smooth between my toes, it felt as though the sea air was cleansing my body as I breathed it in. Edward was in the water now, with only his torso exposed. I slipped off my shorts and dipped my toe in the sea to test the temperature. Against the heat of the air, the water was cool and very inviting. I tried to approach Edward slowly so that I could surprise him. Trying to fool him was always done in vain though, it couldn't be done.

"Bella, do you feel better after your shower?" he asked as he turned to face me. As usual he was perfection standing before me, like an angel. I lost my train of thought when I saw the carved features of his face and his dishevelled but drool worthy hair.

"Yes, thanks. Thank you for leaving my suitcase out for me, but did you have to open it? Did you see what Alice packed for me? I will never let her organise my things again!"

He had a deep, raspy chuckle, also intoxicating. Once he finished laughing at me, he lifted his hand to my cheek and brushed his fingers against my skin. Instantly I felt a rush of blood there, when I saw his crooked smile, I just knew that I was blushing.

"This place is amazing, thank you so much for bringing me here. How did you ever find it?"

"Carlisle gave this island to Esme, they called it Isle Esme in honour of her. I wanted to spend our honeymoon being able to go out in the sunshine, in isolation of others. I'm glad you like it here."

He moved his fingers from my cheek down my chin, over my collarbone, down the length of my arm and then rested his hand on the small of my back. As he did this, he pulled me towards him which made the ocean between us part in waves so we could stand together. He pressed his body against mine and kissed my mouth. Just a soft kiss but it left me wanting more.

"Bella you look beautiful in the moonlight, your eyes are shining, drawing me in to your mind, I feel like I could see your soul if I stared long enough."

I kissed him this time, not really knowing how to accept the compliment. His grip on my back tightened, which drew me closer to him. I put my arms around him and embraced the coolness as our skin touched. The air was silent around us, apart from the light crashing of the waves and the sound of our breathing getting heavier and my heart beating faster. He pulled me into him harder and I could feel the hardening against my pelvis. This had never happened before because he had always been so careful, so restrained. It excited me and my hips suddenly thrusted into him.

With such speed Edward pulled away from me and in just the blink of an eye he was standing on the beach with his head held low, his breathing heavy and quick. I waded through the water as fast as I could to get to him.

"Edward, what's wrong? Are you ok? Why did you, why did you leave me there?"

"Bella, I'm sorry, I can't. I know I promised you this once we were married, but I can't, I'm so afraid that I will hurt you."

"Edward you won't hurt me, I know it, you couldn't…"

"Bella, that's just it, I lose control when we get so close. Your skin, your hair, your scent, everything drives me crazy. Something happens to me and I feel like my body is being taken over. I never want to harm you, ever."

I wrapped my arms around him and held him.

"Edward, I love you, I know that you won't hurt me. You will know when to stop, you will know what your limit is."

I reached up and kissed his mouth, at first he barely returned the kiss but then his lips parted and his tongue met mine. His kiss was so passionate; it went against everything he had just said to me. He lifted me in his arms and then suddenly the beach was going past us in a whir and we were in the main bedroom of the house.

I ran my fingers through his hair as I kissed him back, rolling my tongue over and under his, opening and closing our mouths simultaneously. He moaned as he tilted his head backwards. This turned me on, to see him so vulnerable as if he were under some sort of spell. So as not to ruin the moment, I pushed against him and ran my finger nails down his back and back up again. I didn't want him to lose concentration on what we were doing, I didn't want him to come to his senses and stop.

For once he didn't want to stop either.

"Bella, I want you, I always have, are you sure you want to risk this, are you sure you trust me?"

My breath was heavy, my heart was racing. I just nodded in total submission.

His hands went under my top and lifted it over my head, my bra was wet from the ocean and my body was cool from the light breeze outside. He undid my bra as if he had done it a thousand times before, exposing my bare breasts. My nipples were hard, from the coolness of his touch but also from the seduction that was overtaking me.

"You are beautiful."

He slid his hands down my waist, over my thighs and under my knees and lifted me so my legs were wrapped around him. He carried me over to the bed and sat me on the edge of it so that I was facing him. He lent down and kissed my forehead, my nose, each cheek and then my lips. His tongue swept over each lip and then his kisses moved to my neck, my ear and my shoulder. I shivered with each one as it landed in all of the sensitive parts of my body.

I started undoing his shorts and tried to pull them down over his hips. He held my hands with his and stopped me. I looked up at him, pleading with him not to ruin the moment with his worry, I wanted him and nothing was going to stop this moment. Not even Edward.

He must have read my mind, because he moved with my hands as we pulled his shorts down his legs together. Leaving his whole body exposed in front of me, now I knew that he wanted me too.

He leaned forward and pushed our bodies up the bed so we could stretch our bodies out together. Pressed against him, his ice cold skin made me shiver. Realising this and with his strength, he manoeuvred us so that we were now lying underneath the blankets.

We lay side by side, pressed up against each other, I could feel every part of his body against me. He swept his hand all the way down the side of my body, from my face to my hip bone. Then with barely any force he pulled my knickers down my legs, over my ankles and let them drop off the end of the bed.

The bed was fit for a princess, a beautiful king sized four poster bed swathed in white netting. The sheets felt like silk underneath my skin and suddenly I became warm under the blanket, even though I was pressed against his body. His hands were leaving goose bumps as they moved up and down my body. Then, making me gasp for air, his hands parted my thighs and his fingers touched my opening, running in circles where I was wet and warm and aching for more. My back arched and my hips moved back and forth as if mimicking the motion of his fingers on me.

As they slid inside of me he kissed me, moaning into my mouth. His body pushed up against me and I could feel the hardness of him on my skin. I pulled him on top of me, losing all inhibitions, wanting him more than ever. The force of his body writhing against mine as we kissed was wonderful.

Then suddenly he lifted his head and looked into my eyes as he slowly pushed into me and glided his hardness inside of me. I had never felt anything like it, the power he had over me in this moment was everything I wanted. The look in his eye was strong, but full of love, he was finally giving in.

He kissed my lips so softly as his body hovered over me, shifting forward and back in an enticing rhythm. He was so hard inside of me, wide and strong, touching places inside my body that I never knew existed. My back arched with pure pleasure and while he moved his kisses to my neck, I moaned, more loudly than I meant to.

Crack…

I opened my eyes and realised that Edward had flung himself off of me and he was against the wall on the other side of the room. There were cracks in the wall where his back had hit it with incredible force.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

He was furious, panting because he could barely catch his breath. His eyes were red with anger and he looked as though he could kill something, someone?

"Edward?"

"Bella, I'm, I'm sorry. Stay away from me, I told you this would happen. I'm so sorry, I cant believe I allowed myself to put you in danger like this."

"But nothing is wrong, you didn't hurt me."

"But you moaned, I thought you were in pain, I thought I had broken something?"

I slid down the bed and wrapped the silk sheet around my naked body. I sat for a moment, composing myself and then let out a heavy sigh. My poor Edward.

"You didn't hurt me, I wasn't moaning with pain, I moaned with pleasure. Edward, I enjoyed it."

Now I was blushing.

"So I didn't hurt you?"

He walked over to the bed and stood beside me. His eyes gazed over my body as if looking for evidence of the contrary.

"No, I'm perfectly fine. Well, I was, until you stopped."

"I'm so sorry, I heard you cry out and I immediately had to move away. I lost control of myself, I lost myself in that moment. Bella, you are so beautiful, your body was so warm against mine, for a moment I forgot what I am."

"What you are? Edward, you are not a monster, I love you, and I want you here, with me, inside of me, against me."

I touched his arm and ran my fingers downwards to intertwine them with his. I tugged slightly, motioning for him to sit beside me. When our eyes met, I leaned in and kissed him. He hesitated and pulled away.

"Edward please, I'm fine, nothing went wrong, everything was right!"

"Bella, it could go wrong, I can never lose control like that again."

"What if I want you to? I want you to allow yourself to lose control with me, I want you to enjoy yourself, immerse yourself in this moment with me."

He started to speak, but I didn't want to talk anymore. So I cut him off by placing my lips on his and sliding my tongue into his mouth. I could feel his hesitation, but as I twisted my tongue around his, he slowly began to relax and I could feel him kissing me back. I ran my fingers down his bare chest, made circles around his belly button and then slid my hand down to touch him there. Instantly he felt hard inside the palm of my hand. I gripped him and moved my hand up and down, slowly, teasing him slightly.

I let the silk sheet drop to my waist and then I lifted myself and stood before him, naked. My body was trembling, the adrenalin was rushing through me. I wanted him and needed to take charge so that this time he wouldn't escape me. I leant forward and kissed his mouth again, slowly lowering my body so that I was kneeling over him. I grabbed his hands and placed them on my waist above my hip bones. He looked up at me in surprise, I melted as he gazed at me, he was beautiful.

I lowered myself so that his hardness was just touching me where I was wet and waiting for him to be inside of me. I hovered there, teasing him. While I did this he moaned and threw his head backwards, rolling his eyes in delight. Then I allowed him to enter me, but only a little at first. I lowered my body and then lifted it, so slightly, as if I would allow him to enter me wholly but then exposed him instead.

His grip on my waist tightened, he didn't want me to tease him anymore. He looked at me and pulled me down onto him as he entered me as much as our bodies would physically allow. We both moaned in delight, thrusting into each other as we experienced pure lust for one another. We were finally one, it was everything I had ever wanted and more.

This night was the best night of my life with Edward. It was one of the memories I locked away that was just for me. Little did I know that it would be my saving grace as time went on and our relationship changed day by day, minute by minute, second by second.