"You know I look up to you, Boss. I've learned a lot from you over the last - ten years. You've been a great teacher."
"You got a point, DiNozzo?"
"I've always thought that the head slaps were a sign of affection. Today in the Squad Room, I was expecting one and I didn't - I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?"
"Rule number twelve."
"NCIS doesn't have any - policy against it. You know, there are married agents. And technically E.J. and I don't work together. We're on separate teams.
"My team - my rules."
Tony's jaw clenched. He gazed into the uncompromising face of the man opposite him and felt a sudden, feral urge to smash his fist between those two icy eyes. It was late, and he was tired and all in all, this visit had been a bad idea since its conception. But he'd had to come. The issue had been gnawing at him as he lay listlessly in his apartment. He dropped his gaze for a moment, clinging to his hold on reasonableness. But it was hard. He just couldn't understand Gibbs' problem. Sure, workplace romances were notoriously tricky but…wasn't he entitled to a private life? He gave everything to the job. His blood, literally. His sweat, literally. His tears, on more than one occasion. Wasn't he allowed even the faintest glimmer of happiness for himself?
"I know it's your team and I know they're your rules," he answered quietly, his teeth gritted despite himself. "I guess I'm just asking, for the first time, for an exception." He forced himself to lock gazes with Gibbs and not look away. "I'm asking that my personal life be just that, personal. Is that too much of an ask?" There was no answer for a moment as Gibbs stared at him with an odd air of speculation. Throwing the rag he had been using down on the makeshift table between them, the older man didn't mince his words.
"Yes, it is. Trust me. You do not want to mix work with pleasure. You tell me you won't lose focus, that it won't affect your work. But you will because you already have. Your head has been anywhere but this case since you got your little crush on Barret. I can't have that. I depend on you. The team depends on you. Find yourself another Barret, Tony. Find yourself a Barret that's actually called Amy or Debbie…find a Barret that doesn't work on the job. You'll be the better for it. You mightn't like it, but that's my answer. I'm not lifting rule number twelve. Not for you and not for anyone. It's for your own good. Discussion over."
A careful yet catastrophic tongue of anger sparked in Tony's gut.
And it grew like a fiery serpent, twisting and writhing within him.
"Discussion? You call this a discussion? It's a fucking dictatorship is what it is. How can you sit there and tell me that I can't mix my professional and personal life? After all you've done? After Jenny? And she was your subordinate, Boss. Did you think I didn't know? E.J. and I aren't even on the same damned team. I really don't see what the problem is or why I have to even ask permission like this. It's…" he scrubbed his face in angry frustration, already regretting his outburst but being unable to back-peddle. "It's just so…you're making mountains out of molehills. I want to be with E.J. and she wants to be with me. That's it, that's all. We're not a threat to national fucking security."
Gibbs paled somewhat, but other that there was no visceral reaction to the tirade.
"Watch your language," he said quietly. "It's late and I've said all I'm going to say about this. The answer is no. Now, you can rack here tonight or you can show yourself out. I'm hitting it now regardless." He glanced pointedly to the basement staircase. Tony's eyes followed the prompt and the usual twinkle in his eyes became saturated with indignant rage, snuffing it out. The overwhelming indignation he'd felt over the last few days was beginning to make his throat constrict with rage. He wasn't breaking any official rules. He wasn't breaking NCIS protocol. The only person he was upsetting by being with E.J. was Gibbs and he was just going to have to deal. "I'm gonna crash at my own place," he answered quietly, "But not before I give you my final word on this…discussion. E.J. and I want to be together, so E.J. and I are going to be together. I came here as a courtesy to you Boss but I can see that was a mistake."
He stood and Gibbs' eyes followed him steadily.
"You do what you got to do to me. I know I'm breaking your rules, but for the first time…" he trailed off with a shrug. "For the first time, I guess I don't care. Some things are worth it. Some things are worth having you pissed with me." He turned towards the entrance and managed a small, tight smile. "I'll see you tomorrow Boss. I hope…." He caught himself and shook his head with another cramped smile. "Never mind. I'll show myself out." He strode towards the staircase and made it halfway up before Gibbs was on his feet and clearing his throat. His eyes were burning and his poise was rigid, but his voice was measured.
"DiNozzo?"
Closing his eyes wearily and turning to look down into the room, Tony quirked a brow.
"Boss?"
"I am not about to put up with insubordination on a daily basis. I know you don't like it, but I've told you how things have to be. You fight me on this…you push me on this…if you stay with her, you and I are going to have problems." His eyes suddenly softened and his voice quietened even further. "I'm not trying to make you miserable, Tony. I'm not trying to control your personal life. I'm trying to make sure you don't get your head blown off in your professional life because of your personal life. You were right, what you said about Jenny and me. That was a mistake. It…was one of the best mistakes of my life, but it was still a mistake. She'd say the same thing. We put each other in danger, Tony. We put other people in danger because we were so wrapped up in ourselves in a world that doesn't give second chances. We both hold those regrets to this day."
He stared heavily at his second in command, imploring him to hear what he was saying.
"I know it's not fair. I know it's not. And I wish I could change that for ya, but I can't. Being with Barret is dangerous. For you, for her. For McGee, the girls. For me. You're at the heart of the team, Tony. You can't be both. You can't be at her core and ours. It's too dangerous. It's unfair but you can't have both. And that's just the way it is. You can hate me all you want and you can think I'm just being a bastard for the sake of it. But I know you know better than that. I know if you really look at this…and I mean really look at it, you'll know it's true." He glanced up the stairs and then at his pale and clammy second in command.
"You got a choice to make, DiNozzo. So go and get a good night's sleep and make it."
He turned his back then and Tony knew his visit was at an end.
He didn't utter a word, choosing instead to leave the basement as fast as humanly possible but not without slamming the door as hard as he could. Sliding into his car with an annoyingly fast heartbeat, he kicked her into gear and screeched from Gibbs' driveway. He was operating under the compulsion of putting as much space between him and the old man that was achievable.
He wound up at her apartment.
He was always going to wind up at her apartment.
As he took her in his arms and traced at thumb over her lips as they parted in question, he felt relief. Shutting the door behind him with his foot, he collapsed on her sofa with her in encased in his gentle grip. She looked at him in sympathy, her hair tickling his chin. "I take it didn't go that well then?" He snorted and pressed his face into her light hair. "You could say that." He sighed in frustration. "We got into it a bit and he scolded me for my lack of professionalism." She ducked out from under his chin with consternation plastered across her face. "I knew going there was a bad idea," she whispered softly. "You don't need his blessing, Tony. He's not your father."
He stared down at her for a moment before shrugging slightly.
"It's not as simple as that, E.J."
She frowned.
"Why not? He's just your boss."
He shook his head in frustration, rapidly becoming emotionally ravaged. "You know he's not just my boss," he countered, "He's…well I dunno what he is, but he's not just my boss. And yeah, if he were ok with us I'd be a whole lot happier. But he's not and I can't change that so I guess I'm just gonna have to live with it." She blinked. "Surely you can live with him being angry at you? He's always angry at you." Tony managed another tight smile, but only just. A realisation was suddenly very clear to him.
"He's not mad at me. He's disappointed in me."
She suddenly stiffened in his arms.
"Well I'm sorry to be such a source of disappointment."
Tony felt his mouth fall slightly ajar as he stared down at her. Shaking his head quickly, the room was a blur of muted lights and fragranced candles. "That's not what I meant," he blurted out. "Gibbs doesn't have a problem with you, he has a problem with your being on the job. It's nothing to do with you personally. He thinks that I'm not gonna be able to do my job in the field because I'll be too busy worrying about you. He thinks that my focus is going to dip, said it had already. His problem is strictly on a professional level, not personal."
He squeezed her shoulders gently.
"I didn't mean that how it sounded. He's disappointed in me. It'snot because of you."
She stared up at him for a moment, searching his eyes before deflating slightly in his arms. "This blows," she muttered with her chin bowed. "What are we going to do?" Tony shrugged. "He made it very clear that I have tonight to make my mind up. I can either have you, or my job. But I can't have both." He smiled crookedly down at her. "How do you feel about bringing home the bacon then? I think I'd make a delightful house-husband."
Her eyes grew wide as the magnitude of his words slowly dripped into her brain.
"He gave you an ultimatum?"
Tony nodded with a grim expression.
"Pretty much."
"Me or the job?"
"Pretty much."
"Me or him?"
Tony looked down and saw a sudden devilish smile on her face. "Maybe he's jealous," she suggested coyly. "Maybe he's had a thing for you himself for all this years and doesn't like me because I'm stealing you away." She laughed that tinkling laugh at the shudder and disgust that instantly appeared. "You'd make such a cute couple." Before Tony knew what was happening, she was singing with that same mischievous expression on her face.
"Both a little scared….neither one prepared….beauty and the beast…"
Tony snorted with laughter. He couldn't help it and it was just the tonic he needed. Pulling her closer to him he enjoyed the sounds of her laughter mixed with his until both of them sobered up. "So what's your decision, Agent DiNozzo?" she asked quietly, secretly dreading the answer she was sure he could give. She would never allow him to give up his spot on the team for her, but it was still going to hurt. He contemplated her for a moment, brushing hair out of her eyes before determination kindled in his eyes.
"I'm going to have my cake and eat it too, Agent Barret. There is no official prohibition on employee fraternisation so Gibbs can't bin me. He can make my life a living hell and I'm sure he will, but he can't bin me. I will fight him tooth and nail if I have to. I've done everything that man has ever asked of me and more for the last ten years. It's his turn to give a little." He pressed a kiss on her nose and smiled at her obvious relief and happiness. "How does that sound?"
She smiled that crooked smile he loved.
"Sounds perfect…if you're sure? Whatever I think about the man, I get that he's important to you on a personal level."
Tony shrugged and held her closer.
"It'll be ok. Now, enough about him. You hungry?"
She smirked and tilted her slender chin up at him.
"Uh huh – but not for food."
Strolling into the Navy Yard the next morning Tony had a notable bounce in his step. He was just going to go in there and do his job. He wasn't going to bring E.J. up and he wasn't going to answer any questions about her. Gibbs was just going to have to deal. He knew his rights and he wasn't in the wrong in the slightest. E.J. had gone in ahead of him nonetheless , no need stirring the point and all that they had decided. As he meandered into the bull pen he noted it was empty save for McGee who was tapping away at his computer. "Morning probie," he greeted as he dumped down in his chair, "And how are you on this fine day?"
Tim flicked a suspicious gaze over at him in response.
"What's got you so chipper this morning?"
He didn't get an answer as Tony was suddenly distracted. Smiling a smile that was very un-Tony-ish over the partition over their area, McGee couldn't help but sigh when he saw why. Agent Barret. Watching her smile back at the senior field agent before settling herself down, a gut feeling rumbled in his stomach. "Gibbs will have your head for this Tony, you know that. You're in enough trouble with him already." The love-struck smile faltered but remained stubbornly in place as its owner shrugged stubbornly. "Boss isn't the ruler of my entire existence, McGee. He can huff and puff all he wants, but my life is my life. I don't care if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to."
Tim raised a speculative brow and shrugged his disagreement.
"Sure you don't care," he said quietly, "You expect anyone to buy that? You expect Gibbs to?"
"Expect me to what, McGee?" barked the man himself as he stormed into the bull pen appearing as always, out of nowhere. Casting a harried look over at Tony who dropped his head, Tim sighed. "Nothing Boss." Looking for a moment as if he were going to press the matter, Gibbs shrugged and commented no further to McGee's eternal relief. Ziva strolled in a moment later to the backdrop of her own and several other pager's bleeping intently. "Gear up," Gibbs ordered as he shrugged back into the jacket he was half out of. "We got another body. DiNozzo, you're driving. McGee, Ziva…make sure we actually have the van stocked this time." He thought for a brief moment. "Barret, you're with us on this. Get yourself to the van in double time."
With a curt nod he was gone.
Tony released a breath he hadn't realised he was holding.
Dropping back behind McGee and Ziva who were bickering fiercely about whose fault it was the van was inadequately stocked the last time, he fell in step with E.J. "That went pretty well," she breathed quietly, "Has he said anything to you?" Shaking his head as Ziva punched McGee, Tony smiled slightly. "Nope. And the fact that you're with us on this can only be a good thing, right?" Barret snorted. "He just needs the extra body, you know that." Tony did know that, but he still preferred his thinking so he remained silent and winked at her as they split up in the van.
Gibbs rode up front with Tony as the other three rode in the back. He picked his brains about the case and ran two conflicting theories by him, as well as barking directions. His demeanour was no different from any other day and he gave no indication that his second in command had cussed him in his own basement a mere few hours ago. Not knowing how to react to the lack of reaction, Tony also made no reference behaviourally to the night before and offered his professional opinion as usual. A ball of glimmering hope was emerging however. Maybe Gibbs was actually going to mind his own business on this one. Maybe standing up to him had actually done the trick. As he pulled into the new scene, Tony sure hoped so.
Five minutes later and all were embarked and receiving instructions.
The shots came out of nowhere.
All five agents sprang into action and ducked for the nearest available shelter. Gibbs and Ziva flung themselves behind the nearest and thickest tree trunk, weapons drawn and pointed. Tony was winded behind a rubble heap with his gun aimed and ready. E.J. and Tim however had been walking away from the group when the shots had begun and were therefore in a wide, unprotected clearing. The shots continued to rain down as they threw themselves on their stomachs and attempted to crawl to shelter. Barrett was slighter and quicker, reaching a raised mound whilst McGee was still in the clearing. Tony sprang up from behind the rubble seeing their plight, and raced into action.
But he was blinkered.
He was the only one that was in a position to provide cover in the clearing. Gibbs and Ziva were located where they could see the space but not located where they could get a clean shot off. They'd risk hitting their teammates if they tried, even with Gibbs' skill. Tony was their only hope and as he raced towards the pair, Gibbs felt his mouth dry up and his heart hammer. There was something off about his second in command. He wasn't his usual calm self under pressure, even the pressure of a hailstorm of bullets. He was frenzied, he was panicked.
And he was trying to cover the wrong agent.
E.J. was already secured behind the mound but to Tony she looked utterly unprotected. He ducked and weaved as he ran, intent on getting to her. Intent on protecting her. The ache of the bullets echoed in his ears as he ran, but the sound soon became interrupted my something else. Screaming. Lots of screaming. Her screaming. She was screaming, and she was screaming at him. Pointing and screaming. He followed her hand as if in a daze and his heart stopped in his chest, his air caught in his lungs. Reality hit and reality hit hard. She was ok, she was covered. But someone wasn't and she was pale as death as she tried to show him.
Tim wasn't. Tim wasn't covered.
He hadn't even seen Tim.
He'd run right by.
In a blur he had changed direction and with his natural athleticism had sprung to McGee's side. His weapon had been knocked from his hand as he'd tried to weave along the ground to avoid incoming fire. Setting off round after round of retaliatory fire, Tony seized McGee around the neck and dragged him to his feet, placing him securely behind him. Keeping his nerve at his thoroughly open position, he fired off shot after shot as he used his body to block Tim's and worked quickly to get to cover. Just when he thought he'd never get them there, they were there. Removing his near stranglehold on his probie's neck, the two sank down behind the scrapheap that may have just saved their lives. His lungs quivered and contracted as they begged him for air.
He barely managed to oblige.
Additional shots rang out and neither had to look around to know they didn't belong to the team. Different weaponry, but law enforecement. Back up must have arrived. Someone must have called in the shots. Both junior and senior field agent's panted as they attempted to compose themselves, one slightly more harried than the other. Tony eventually got enough oxygen to speak and the sincerity of his words were earth shattering. He seized McGee by the shoulders and stared at him so intently the younger man was extremely alarmed.
"Tony, what-"
"I am so fucking sorry. Tim, I am so damned sorry. What just happened out there was the biggest cock up of my career and it could have cost you your life. What just happened out there was unforgivable and it should never have happened. I saw E.J. on the line and I…I lost it. That's as unprofessional as it gets and as your SFA, I am damned sorry. And as your friend…I'm even sorrier." His face twisted with self loathing as he scrunched his hair angrily. "Are you alright? Physically I mean."
Tim was too busy gaping at him to answer.
It didn't matter anyway because another voice suddenly loomed large. Gibbs was stood over the pair of them, E.J. on one side and Ziva on the other. His face was pale as he studied them. Reaching out, he grabbed one of their arms apiece and pulled them to their feet. "Both of you ok? Either one of you hit anywhere?" When both of them shook their heads and he studied them to his satisfaction, he nodded. "Ok. We're headed back to the Yard. LEOs are on scene and they're going to process the fresh fire whilst we get the body brought back. They have the shooters in their custody and we'll get our chance with them when they're transferred. Local's have jurisdiction for now and seeing as they just saved our asses, I'm not gonna argue about it. They'll give you the shooter's names and I want to know everything about each of them before the end of business today."
And with that order, he was gone.
Tony watched him go with the most deadening feeling in his gut.
The ride back to the yard was a very quiet affair.
Staring blankly at his screen, Tony was in utter turmoil. Tim had come to his desk and assured him he bore no grudges. He even thanked him for putting himself on the line like he'd done. All of this was to Tony's dismay who would have rathered the kid punch him in the face. Ziva was also sympathetic when he would have preferred a scathing diatribe. E.J. hadn't spoken a word to him and was diligently working on her side of the communal area. Her back was firmly to him. And for that at least he was grateful. He didn't think he could cope with seeing or speaking to her. Looking down at the profiles on his desk, his mouth was like sandpaper.
Those guys were ruthless guns for hire.
They would have lost not a wink of sleep about murdering Tim.
And it would have been all his fault if they'd managed it.
The bull pen was silent save for the tapping of keyboards. Gibbs hadn't come back and somehow Tony had known he wouldn't. He'd sent word to Tim that he was working on a separate lead and that he'd see them all in the morning. Usually he would be the one to get that message and it didn't escape him that he hadn't this time. Of course Gibbs was pissed. He had every right to be. Suddenly the guilt was at such a level that if he didn't stand he was going to erupt with it. Striding out from his desk he was at the elevator and inside it before he knew it. He needed to be alone for a minute. But that wasn't to be.
E.J. slipped in just as the doors were about to shut.
He groaned.
She stared silently ahead for a moment. When she spoke her voice was quiet and shaken. "You're going to break up with me and I understand. What happened out there today…well…it can't happen again. And it will, if we stay together. And I don't just mean you, I mean me too. I would have done the same thing. We're a danger together, Tony. As much as I hate to say this, Gibbs was right. He was right about the job and romance. It's a recipe for disaster which sucks because you and I are the best recipe I've had in a long, long time."
Her eyes watered but she continued to speak, her eyes boring into the metal doors.
"I've been offered a gig in Rota. My own team. I'm going to take it and this will be my last day here. Whatever else happens, know this. Being with you was one of the best things to happen in my life. I don't regret a single day, a single moment. Whatever woman ends up with you Tony DiNozzo is going to be one lucky lady. I wish you every happiness. You deserve everything."
She turned to him as the elevator paused and grinded to a halt.
Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks as the lump continued to grow in his throat. She was right. He had been going to end things and in no uncertain terms. It was the only way. But that didn't make it any less painful to hear the words she was saying, to see the tears she was crying. He wanted to reach out and wipe them away but he didn't. He couldn't. Instead he stood numbly as the doors opened and she reached up to kiss him softly on the cheek.
"Goodbye, Tony."
She smiled a watery smile.
"You look after yourself. You look after them, ok? They need you."
The doors swooshed once more and she was gone.
Gone from there…gone from him.
He leant back against the metal wall and allowed the misery to flow like a river through him. Images of her long hair cloaking her face as she laughed. The memory of the late night conversations and the ridiculously unhealthy early morning breakfasts. The feel of her body against his as they slept intertwined in the early hours. By the time the elevator doors opened once more he was leaden down with the weight of his own misery. And the only thing his misery had for company was molten guilt. As he strode back to his desk the very sight of Tim bent over his reports made him want to hurl with regret.
Knocking-off time came and he had searched not one lead, written not one note.
Ziva and Tim dropped by his desk as they prepared to leave and both had concern freely colouring their faces. "We are going for a drink," she said softly, "Would you like to come?" Tim nodded encouragingly at this. "C'mon Tony, it's been a rough day. You could do with one…or two. We can grab some food as well. We'll even go to that terrible pizza joint you like. What do you say?" Tony smiled sadly at his probie and shook his head. He already had plans. They had been subconsciously made but now he was consciously following through on them.
"Can't tonight guys. You go on and eat a slice for me."
There was something about the set line of his jaw that spoke volumes. He wasn't going to change his mind. Nodding sadly, the two departed. Watching them go Tony gathered his things slowly. He drove with an equal listlessness. How was he going to do this? How was he going to be brave enough? His heart was in his mouth as he snailed along the roads. The scene of horror played out in his mind over and over again. Tim on the ground. Tim unable to get to shelter. Him running past Tim. Him putting his best friend's life on the line. The procession that would trail behind McGee's coffin seemed to burn into his brain as he drove.
He knew he was a long, long way from forgiving himself.
If he ever could.
Strolling through the living room he descended the stairs quietly to the basement. He couldn't have been there much earlier than him, because the coffee in the mug was steaming hot atop the work bench. Changed into trademark jeans and red sweatshirt, Gibbs was busy rooting through a toolbox as he landed on the last step. He didn't turn around as he selected the perfect wrench. "DiNozzo. What can I do for you?" Walking into the room, Tony leaned against a smaller workbench and cleared his throat.
"I think you know why I'm here, Boss."
Straightening up with the wrench in his hand, Gibbs didn't look at him. "Maybe I do and maybe I don't. Up until today I would've said I know you as well as I could know you. Now…I'm not so sure. So again, what can I do for you?" He turned back to the shell of his boat before he could see the whitened sheen that coated Tony's face. Looking at the elder man's back, he was struggling to keep it together. He'd been expecting Gibbs to roar at him, to tear him down about five hundred pegs. This cold and passive aggressive treatment was new. He swallowed deeply.
"Boss…about what happened today…."
Puttering around the boat, Gibbs didn't turn around.
"What about it? Can you make this quick, sorta busy here."
Dread spread throughout Tony as he stood. Was Gibbs finally past the point where he wanted anything to do with him? Had he finally pushed him that far? He could hardly blame him in fairness. What he'd done today was unforgivable. McGee was an all round decent guy, that's why he could find it in him to forgive. But Tony knew he didn't have the same depth needed to forgive himself. It was clear as day that Gibbs wasn't even in a space where he was willing to try. He swallowed again and stared at the man who never turned on his back on him.
Before speaking to his back.
"Boss…could you look at me?"
The wrench in Gibbs' hand shook under the intense hold. Before it clattered from his hand altogether as he leant over the table with rage and disappointment in his heart. "If I do that, DiNozzo," he muttered through gritted teeth. "If I turn around and look at you I'm afraid I won't be able to keep myself from wrapping my hands around your throat and killing you." Tony flamed with guilt at the muted words, but at least he was speaking. "Just go, go on, go. I don't trust myself to be alone with you right now. I could murder you, so just get out of my sight and out of my house."
Biting his lip, Tony shook his head and spoke lowly.
"You once told me that this house would never be closed to me. No matter how angry you were with me, you said this house would never be off limits to me. You promised, no matter what, I could always come here. I know what I did today was one of the worst things I've ever done in my life, but you gave me your word and right now I need to be here more than I've ever needed to be here."
His heart was heavy as Gibbs' back remained turned to him.
"Boss….please?"
The elder of the two couldn't resist that. Not when his second in command sounded so broken, so desperate. He closed his eyes tightly for a moment and pulled himself up straight. Turning, he saw the shadows in Tony's eyes and saw just how guilty he felt. He stared at him for a moment, before wiping his hands on the sides of his jeans with a curt nod. Striding past, he took the stairs of the basement two at a time. He was at the landing door when he spoke, loudly and militarily.
"Move your ass DiNozzo. Get up here."
Not sure if he felt relieved or doomed, Tony quickly ascended the stairs and followed Gibbs into the living room. Pointing at the sofa, the agent's instructions were clear. Sinking down into the well worn seats, Tony watched as Gibbs paced up and down in front of him with a sick feeling in his stomach. He didn't dare talk as he watched the pacing. It was fast and furious and gave the distinct impression that it was either the pacing or killing. Gibbs strode with a hand on each hip, doing his very best to compose himself enough to open his mouth. He had to draw on every single of his own relevant life experiences to do so and therefore the pacing was much longer than usual. But it did the trick. Eventually he came to a halt in front of his right hand man, his eyes steely, his hands firmly remaining on his hips.
"We could have lost Tim today because of you. Agreed?"
Tony blinked at the bluntness but nodded immediately.
"Yes Boss."
Gibbs nodded curtly.
"I want an explanation as to why that is. An explanation as to what happened out there today."
Biting his lip, Tony nodded. This was no time for his usual evasiveness or attempted misdirects. For the first time, he was glad he was in trouble. If someone else was yelling at him it saved him the bother of doing it himself. "I didn't see Tim in that clearing. I mean, I did, but not consciously. All my attention was on E.J., I thought she was in danger. But she wasn't. Tim was. But I couldn't see that. All I could hear were gun shots and all I could see was her. Her…with a bullet in her brain. It's like I had blinkers on or something, she was all I could see. I left Tim for dead. I left him without cover in a hail of bullets because my head wasn't in the game. And I will never forgive myself for that, Boss. I swear to you, I won't."
He hung his head and spoke to his knees.
"You were right. You were right all along. You can't mix this job and pleasure. I didn't listen and it almost cost Tim his life. E.J. and I have ended it, not that it matters now but we have. We both realise what our relationship had done out there and I bear the responsibility of it. It was my friend that nearly…" he trailed off, his voice catching. "I know I give McGee a hard time all the damned time…but that guy is like a brother to me and I ran by him. I left him and every time I look at him I'm gonna be reminded of that fact…"
He sniffed slightly and lapsed into a silent examination of his knees.
"You went back for him. You went back and you risked your life. You went back and you got him."
Silence.
"Tony, look at me."
With enormous difficulty, the younger agent managed to peel his head upwards. Gibbs' eyes were sincere but they still emitted sparks of fury, swimming in a river of disappointment. "You made a mistake. An unprofessional, disgraceful and downright selfish mistake but a mistake nonetheless. Your judgement was clouded and you left a man behind. Something I don't tolerate, something I know you don't tolerate. You were wrong, but you saw it and you went back. You went back out into a hail of bullets and you got your brot…you got Tim, you got him. You used yourself as a human damned shield to get him."
He stared at his second for the longest moment.
"You need to remember that every time you look at him as well."
Tony wanted to believe what he was saying, but he couldn't quite manage it.
"You just said you were ready to strangle me a minute ago? Now you're telling me that there's an upside?"
Gibbs frowned but forced himself to be honest.
"I let my emotions…yeah, I got em too. I let them get the better of me. When I heard you behind me all I could think about was McGee out in that clearing, unprotected. Where Ziva and I were, there was nothing we could do without risking a shot to him. We were all relying on you. When I saw you run right by him I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. When I heard you come down those stairs that's all I could think about. And I reacted harshly, alright? I shouldn't of but I did. I knew you'd come and I shoulda had myself calmed down enough by then."
He tilted his head in admission.
"That's my bad. You're right about what I told you. This house is always open to you. No matter how much I feel like killing you, the door is still open." He studied Tony's face for a minute before sighing and throwing himself down on the sofa beside him. "Been a bit of a day hasn't it," he mumbled as he scrubbed his face tiredly. Writhing in guilt, Tony nodded. "Guess you could say that," he said softly, "Not the ideal day by any means."
Silence spread for a moment as each man was lost to his thoughts.
"You and Barret are really done?"
Nodding, Tony glanced to his side. "Yeah, we are. In this case though, later isn't really better than never. I should've listened to you. I should've listened to you last night. If I had none of this would have happened. Tim says it's all good between us when really I'd rather he knocked me on my ass." He too scrubbed his face. "I should've listened…I should've never kicked off last night…or said the things I said…did the things I did…."
Gibbs smiled a sad, strained smile.
"Shoulda, woulda, coulda…I've been there a lot, not a nice place by any stretch."
Tony stared down at his knees and spoke softly.
"I'm sorry, Boss. I know you don't like to hear it but I am. I'm sorry for what happened today and for what I said last night. The worst part is I knew you were right all along but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to choose, I wanted to have the best of both worlds. It isn't as if I genuinely didn't know or understand where you were coming from or what you were saying. I did, I just didn't like it. I put Tim in serious danger because I wanted to have my own way and it's the most selfish, shitty thing I've ever done and I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
Gibbs heard the sorrow in his voice and suddenly couldn't help himself.
Tony winced as the hand came in contact with himself, preparing himself for a concussion. His eyes flew open in surprise at the light ruffle of his hair before the hand dropped harmlessly away. "Be alright Tony," Gibbs grunted gruffly, "Tim is alright, nothing irreparable done. I know you're sorry. So does he. It'll be alright. You'll be alright…alright? Let's just leave it at that."
Tony blinked in utter confusion.
"What about my punishment?" he blurted out.
Gibbs raised a brow.
"Your punishment?"
The younger man stared. "When McGee left Abby alone with her stalker was on the loose for two minutes, you freaked out. You made him kneel behind his desk for hours in front of the whole team. I left him on his own when there was a hail of bullets going off around his head. And you ruffle my hair and tell me it's all gonna be alright? Am I in some sort of alternate dimension here? What am I missing?"
Gibbs carded a tired hand through his hair and cocked his head.
"You want me to take away your chair too?"
Green eyes widened in frustration. "No, I don't want you to take away my chair. Boss, you once tanned my ass for forgetting to refuel the van just one time-"
"That one time cost us three hours of investigative time," Gibbs interrupted heatedly, "You can't say you didn't deserve-"
"I'm not saying I didn't deserve it. I'm saying this is inarguably much, much worse than that. It's in a different universe and you're sitting there like it's all forgotten and forgiven. I could have been the reason Tim didn't make it out alive today. I can't think with the guilt, I can barely breathe with it. It's killing me. It's suffocating me. I can't…you can't….there has to be some punishment…." He looked at his silently observing boss and threw his hands in the air. "Can you honestly say that when I walked in here first you didn't want to break that damned paddle across my ass?"
Gibbs didn't answer for a moment, chewing over this thoughts carefully.
"Can't say it hadn't occurred to me, no."
Tony nodded.
"Then what's changed? In the last twenty minutes, what could possibly have changed?"
Gibbs held up two fingers.
"Two things. One, I see how much you regret what you did. You didn't try and worm your way out of it and that's when I know that you get it. That you already feel bad enough and there's no need for me to make you feel worse. Two, I…well I see how much you care about Barret. I thought it was just a damned crush that would go away, that it was purely physical with you two. But I was wrong. When I saw you in that field today you were trying to protect someone you love. Am I wrong?"
Tony swallowed thickly and shook his head.
"No. You're not wrong."
Gibbs nodded sadly.
"And you're asking me why I don't want to cause you physical pain on top of all that?"
Dropping his head into his hands Tony groaned.
"That doesn't change the fact that I deserve it."
"If we were to ask Tim should I roast your butt, we both know what he'd say."
Not being able to defy that logic, Tony said nothing and merely stared into the dark cusp of his hands. Gibbs filled the void. "Look some things can't be fixed with a punishment, son. I know I come down hard on you about things you don't think really matter. Like gassing the truck. But they do matter and they can be dealt with by a sore ass. But something like this, it matters a whole lot more but it can't be dealt with through a sting in your tail. I know it's not what you want to hear Tony, but sometimes that guilt you're feeling is the most effective punishment out there. You want me to spank you so you don't have to feel guilty anymore, when I think if you're honest with yourself….you know you deserve to feel that guilty. You want me to take away way that pain and replace it with a physical one that will go away, which isn't the right thing this time."
He stared at his slumped over second in command with sadness.
"Look at me when I'm speaking to you."
With great reluctance, Tony brought his head up to look as directed. Gibbs took a deep breath.
"When I was Frank's second in command, Jenny had just joined the team. The greenest probie you can imagine. Me, I'm much older and much longer in the tooth. Mike is close to retiring and I know I'm next in line for the gig. I was meant to be responsible. You know I learned my…methods from him. So suffice to say, over the years…don't you dare tell the others this…but suffice to say, I've had my fair share of not being able to sit in comfort. Anyway, one day we're out on what's meant to be a routine gig. All of a sudden this witness we thought we were interviewing turns out to be one of the guy's we're looking for. We had another guy with us at the time, Grant. So me and him are interviewing this guy and Jen's out shooting photos. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy approach her and starting talking to her. Fine, no problem. We continue with our witness. Questions got a little tougher, and the guy got a little edgier."
He took a breath and his eyes misted over a little.
"He pulled a knife. I go to reach for my gun but out of the corner of my eye, I see the guy squaring up to Jenny. He's not a bystander, he's with the guy we're interviewing. I lose it. I leave Grant with a knife wielding maniac and sprint to her. It's like I couldn't even see what she was doing when I was running. All I could see was this six foot something guy towering over her. When I got there, that six foot something guy was on the ground and cuffed and she was screaming at me. Screaming at me to go and help Grant who wasn't doing so well. I do and between the two of us, we get the guy under control but Grant's got a couple of nasty cuts. Mike arrives just in time to see the whole thing. Grant and I were nothing like you and McGee. I mean I liked the guy fine, but…he wasn't family."
His jaw twitched a little but he continued with Tony's attention rapt as all hell.
"And even at that, I was sick with guilt. Mike sent everyone home except me. I, like you, was expecting an absolute hiding. I'd no intentions of arguing about it, I was feeling like hell about what I'd done. And Mike… did nothing. Sure, he yelled for a minute or so but that was it. And if you think I'm bad you should try working for him. I couldn't get my head around it. But then he told me what I'm telling you now. I had to live with it. I had to live with the guilt because that was the worst punishment he could give me." He slowly turned his head to meet Tony's wide gaze. "I never forgot that lesson Tony, and neither will you. That's why I'll light your ass up if you're late more than once…but not for this. Making you keep your guilt is the worst and best punishment I can give you."
He reached out and squeezed the younger man's shoulder.
"You understand what I'm saying?"
Tony's eyes remained stretched as he stared silently for a moment, before nodding with a groan of understanding. "I never thought I'd see the day in my entire life where I'd be disappointed with my ability to sit." Gibbs snorted and shrugged. "Bizarre feeling isn't it? One thing though." He reached out and delivered a headslap so searing that Tony squawked like a stuffed pig. "You ever come into my basement and cuss at me again, and I will…as you so delicately put it…break that damned paddle across your ass. Clear?"
Rubbing his head vigorously, Tony spluttered his understanding.
Before a question hit him.
"You and the director huh? You were really into her?"
Rolling his eyes, Gibbs stood. "She's not an electrical socket, Tony. You can't be really into someone. God the way you young people speak…" He glanced towards the kitchen and raised a brow. "I suppose you're hungry now as well? You've torpedoed by boat building plans, might as well be fed in the process." Feeling a small grin cross his face, Tony nodded and stood. The whole visit had gone about as far from expected as possible, but then again nothing was ever simple with Gibbs. Still rubbing his head, he followed the older man into the kitchen and hoisted himself up on his usual spot on the kitchen counter. Watching as Gibbs extracted two steaks and two beers from the fridge, he asked the question he couldn't help but ask.
"When did you start to feel better? Less guilty, I mean?"
Handing him one opened beer, Gibbs frowned in thought before a slightly devilish smile crossed his face. "When I offered Grant my unlimited services for however long he saw fit and he took full advantage of that offer." He chuckled over his own beer. "I think I lost about a stone in running around after him."Tony took a long draught and swung his legs back and forth.
"You think I should make that offer to McGee?"
Unwrapping the steaks, Gibbs smiled and shook his head. "You can try. But you and I both know McGee. He's not an opportunist. He won't take you up on it. If I know him, he probably tried to take you out for beer and food to make you feel better already? But you said no because you were coming here to face the music? And you didn't tell him that because you knew he'd try and stop you?"
Tony stared. How did he know everything? It was unnatural.
"No one likes a know-it-all he," he muttered with just a trace of mutiny. "Especially one that has a rule against apologising for being a know-it-all. You don't want to be universally disliked, do you?"
Gibbs smirked, placing a sarcastically dramatic over his heart in faux pain.
"You don't like me? How will I ever go on?"
Rolling his eyes with a huff, Tony jumped down off the counter top and took the steaks from the now chilled out Gibbs. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of humour you know," he informed the man as he stalked off towards the living room. Fire roasted steak was on the menu and he was suddenly hungry.
"Fitting for my audience then," Gibbs muttered under his breath, turning to grab some dinnerware.
Crouching in front of the fire, Tony hollered over his shoulder.
"I heard that!"
Strolling into the living room with an air of innocence, Gibbs expertly deflected Tony's accusatory glare with a grin. He watched as his second in command expertly speared the steak and allowed himself to indulge in emotions for a while. Tony was the only person who could make him madder and prouder than all hell in the space of a few hours. The room was soon full of tantalising smells as the steak was plated and dug into. Between mouthfuls, Tony allowed himself to feel a little happy in between all his regretful guilt. He didn't like the punitive lack of punishment, but he knew it made sense.
"Boss?"
Swallowing a mouthful of beer, Gibbs raised a brow.
"Hmm?"
Tony smiled a slightly sly smile.
"Can I ask Mike the next time he's in town to tell us about all the times he made you cry like a baby?"
Gibbs glared mid-chew.
"You know he has my full permission to wear you out as well, don't you?"
Tony choked on a piece of overly done meat. Eyes watering, he threw down some beer in indignation and glared at the now smirking Gibbs.
"That's not true….it's not, is it?"
The elder man shrugged with a slug of his bottle.
"You go on and ask him annoying questions and find out son, just don't come crying to me."
Sighing in defeat, Tony quickly wolfed down the rest of his steak. Whatever way he had seen this evening going, it wasn't this. He would do all he could to show Tim how sorry he was and learn to live with how he felt until it went away. He allowed himself a lingering vision of E.J., savouring her in his mind. She would be happy, in Rota. It was a good gig, he should know. She'd be happy there and her happiness was his happiness. He'd miss and he already ached for her. But some things were never meant to be and he just had to live with that. He'd always have the memory of her. Maybe he'd call her someday, but then again, maybe not. Her's would be a wound he would bear for a long time. There was probably no sense in reopening the cut. He'd delete her number just to be sure. But then again, maybe he'd keep it, just in case.
"You'll find that feeling again, Tony. The Barret feeling, you'll find it again."
The younger man turned to the elder with that same incredulous look he'd worn in the kitchen.
"You are an incredibly annoying old man, Boss."
Gibbs raised a bottle.
"That's why I raise incredibly annoying young men. Saves me being lonely, doesn't it?"
Tony raised his bottle.
"Amen."
…
A/N: Ok, so a much longer one-shot than I usually put out. I've always found the conflict between Gibbs and Tony about his relationship with E.J. really interesting. Was one of the few instances where the Gibbs/Tony relationship definitely morphed into something deeper. So I wanted to do a story that explored that. An AU interpretation of how Barret came and went. Hope you liked it and the slightly different direction I took with it in that Gibbs refused to deal with the incident as he usually would. Was something I wanted to try out. Anyways, thanks for reading! Till next time,
_Inks
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