A/N: This fic is about a pairing that I feel is too often overlooked: Amar/Four. We learn in Allegiant that Amar had feelings for Four during his initiation. I think that they would be really good together, so I decided to write this. This story is an AU, where Amar is not killed for being divergent and he and Four eventually get together, but it will be a relatively slow burn; after all, they must get through initiation, and Four must come to terms with his sexuality. The story is in Amar's POV, and it starts at the beginning of Four's initiation. The first few chapters of the story follow Veronica Roth's Four: A Divergent Collection very closely, and most of the dialogue is taken from the "The Transfer" and "The Initiate". After initiation ends, though, the story will become more original
Disclaimer: I do not own the Divergent characters and anything that you recognize, including dialogue, is not mine.
Chapter 1
Another year, another choosing day. As an instructor, I am required to attend in order to get a glimpse of the initiates I will be training. I never really pay a lot of attention at the Choosing, except to learn the Dauntless initiates' names. I take a lot of pride in my work, creating the best new Dauntless members that I possibly can.
Soon after I jump on the train to go back to the compound, a gray blur jumps onto the train and immediately smacks its' nose on the wall. It's kind of funny. "Smooth," I smirk. I notice that the blur is in fact an initiate. He's an enigma, the only Abnegation transfer that Dauntless has had in over a decade. I can't remember his name, though. The fact that a Stiff transferred to Dauntless was shocking enough. The whole room was muttering after he made his choice, and our leader, Max, had to talk really loudly to get everybody to quiet down in order to continue with the ceremony.
The blur turns around and looks at me, clutching his nose. "Finesse is for Erudite showoffs. He made it on the train, Amar, that's what counts," Tori says pointedly, from beside me. Huh. She must know him somehow. She's not usually one to defend people.
"He's supposed to be in the other car, though. With the other initiates," I say. I look the boy over again, sizing him up. He's tall, with caramel-colored skin and unusual blue eyes. Handsome. He has a determined look on his face, perpetually, as if it's characteristic. That's unusual for an Abnegation kid. Still looking at him, I say, "If he's friends with you, I guess it's okay. What's your name, Stiff?" I use the typical nickname we have for those from Abnegation. I don't use it scathingly, however.
The Stiff hesitates, like he doesn't want me to know his name. Odd. "You can call me 'Stiff' for all I care," he snaps. Tori looks at him a little weird but doesn't offer any more information. Then, he just turns towards the door, not looking at either of us. He stands there at the door for a while, just looking out at the city outside, thinking. Suddenly, he walks to the other side of the train, and sits down without looking at anyone.
Okay, this kid is really weird. He doesn't act like most Stiffs do, with their quiet eagerness to please people. It should be interesting to train him, assuming he makes it that far. Normally I would talk to some friends and acquaintances on the (admittedly long) train ride back to the compound, but I can't get the Stiff out of my head. I look over at him again. He's still sitting there, staring into space. God, I wish I knew what was going through his head. I've always been one to try to figure people out.
Okay, that's not exactly true. I only try to figure out the people that I'm attracted to. Everybody at Dauntless knows that I'm attracted to men. It's not really a big deal there, and I'm not the only one. But it would be extremely inappropriate for me to be attracted to one of my initiates. I would be accused of giving him unfair treatment, not to mention that I'm three years older than him. I have to stomp out this attraction to him before it goes any further. I have to, for both of us.
I shake off these thoughts as we near the Dauntless compound. The truth is, this boy has very little chance of making it through initiation. Stiffs are taught to be nonviolent and meek from the second they're born. I don't want him to fail, but that's just how it is. I put on my usual kind face, full of bravado, and walk over to him.
I nudge him with my foot and say, "Get up, Stiff. It's almost time to jump." He looks up at me with those peculiar (but beautiful) blue eyes. My stomach swoops a little bit. God, what is wrong with me?
"Jump?" He asks, a little nervously.
"Yeah. This train stops for no one." I chuckle a little bit. To my surprise, he stands up, determined. He may look weak now, but I can tell that he sure as hell isn't. I can see a certain strength in him. I notice that his hand is wrapped in a cloth that's soaked through with blood. He must have cut himself too deep with the knife at the ceremony. That's not something that happens often.
Tori makes sure that everyone lets him off the train first so that he doesn't get trampled on the way out. He doesn't appreciate the favor, but he goes along with it anyway. Tori seems to have taken a personal interest in this boy. I'll have to ask her about it later. He looks terrified, but then that determined look comes back. He jumps as hard as he can. He's a natural. Huh. Maybe I misjudged him. Why does that thought give me so much hope?
"Damn. I was hoping we would get to scrape some Stiff pancake off the pavement later," my friend Gus says after we've jumped onto the roof. This makes me angry for some reason. I elbow him in the ribs and tell him to shut up. He does, because he knows what's good for him. It's not often that I get firm with people, especially my friends. But when I do, I mean it.
I shake off the annoyance and put on my obnoxious smile. This is a happy day, after all. It's my job as instructor to welcome the initiates. After I've stepped up onto the roof, I yell, "Welcome to Dauntless! Where you either face your fears and try not to die in the process, or you leave a coward. We've got a record low of faction transfers this year, unsurprisingly." The Dauntless members around me yell, like they always do. "The only way to get into the Dauntless compound from this rooftop is to jump off this ledge," I shout again. To be funny, I tilt myself back and act like I'm about to fall. I like to make people laugh, just to add a little bit of light into the often dark and brutal place that I call home. "As usual, I offer the opportunity to go first to our initiates, Dauntless-born or not." I survey all of the initiates, waiting for one of them to step up. Of course, it's my obnoxious young friend, Zeke. He misjudges his jump and basically tumbles down into the compound, yelling the whole way. Typical Zeke. That makes everybody laugh, including me. After he goes, the other initiates line up and I cue each of them to go at thirty-second intervals.
The Stiff is the last initiate to jump. It's obvious that I'll be seeing heights in his fear landscape tonight. I watch him as he's about to jump off. There's that determination again, overpowering his fear. The light from the setting sun hits him in such a way that makes his skin glow and shadows his features. My stomach swoops again. I mentally slap myself.
I jump not long after him and walk up to the initiates to show them the ropes. I motion for all of the initiates to come closer to me, and begin my speech, "My name is Amar. I'm your initiation instructor," I say. "I grew up here, and three years ago, I passed initiation with flying colors, which means that I get to be in charge of the newcomers for as long as I want. Lucky you," I grin. "Dauntless-borns and transfers do most physical training separately, so that the Dauntless-borns don't break the transfers in half right away. But we're trying something different this year. The Dauntless leaders and I want to see if knowing your fears before you begin training will better prepare you for the rest of initiation. So, before we even let you into the dining hall to have dinner, we're going to do some self-discovery. Follow me."
Actually, I have no idea why we're doing the fear landscapes first this year, but I'm not really opposed to the idea. As we walk towards the fear landscape room, Zeke decides to pipe up again.
"What if I don't want to discover myself?" he asks. I just give him a look and he quiets. I have to put up a stern front for the initiates, and I can't let him think that I'll give him special treatment just because we're friends.
Once we reach the fear landscape room, I busy myself getting the machine ready, and say, "This is the fear landscape room. A fear landscape is a simulation in which you confront your worst fears. "
The sole Erudite transfer starts asking questions, just like Erudites do. "How is that possible? You don't know our worst fears," he asks.
"Eric, right?" I say. "You're correct, I don't know your worst fears, but the serum I am going to inject you with will stimulate the parts of your brain that process fear, and you will come up with the simulation obstacles yourself," I explain. Most instructors wouldn't, but I'm kinder than most. Still, this Eric kid bothers me for some reason. He can't go around asking questions all the time, either.
"Allow me to satisfy your Erudite curiosity," I say. "You get to go first."
"But— "he protests.
"But. I am your initiation instructor, and it's in your best interest to do as I say," I say. Eric stares back at me for a second and then takes forever and a day to take his jacket off. This one is definitely going to be a problem. I don't deal with insubordination well. I inject him with the serum as un-gently as I can and start the simulation. To my irritation, he does well. He handles each fear by controlling his heart rate, never going into a full panic. He never even moves or makes a noise. He's going to do well here. I dismiss him and move on.
The fears of all of the initiates start to get repetitive, as usual. I usually don't even remember people's individual fears after a while. I do take note of how well they handle them, however. Some do very bad and some are passable, but none seem to do as well as Eric. Figures.
For some reason, I get the feeling that the Stiff's fears are going to be different from the rest, more horrifying. It would take a lot to make a Stiff leave their own for another faction. I want him to have some privacy in facing his demons, so I intend to make him go last.
After the rest of the initiates have gone, I say to him, "Just you and me, Stiff. Come on, let's get this over with." He walks into the room, and there's that determined look again. I inject the syringe as gently as I can.
I was right, he's afraid of heights. We're transported back to the ledge that the initiates had to jump off of, but this time, there's no hole to fall through, just rock-hard pavement. He faces this fear in an unusual way. I see his heart rate skyrocket on the monitor, but not long after that, he simply jumps off of the ledge that he was standing on. Not many people do things that would kill them in real life in order to get through a simulation. He's pretty hardcore. His second fear is confinement. I can tell he's terrified, what with the way he struggles to breathe, but he doesn't scream. He keeps slamming his body against the walls, desperately trying to get out. This can't be just a fear. It has to be a memory. But why would a Stiff have memories about being locked in a confined space? It seems like he's forgotten that he can alter the simulation to help himself overcome a fear. I can't bear to watch him struggle anymore. I know what it's like to experience things that terrified you in reality, even if it's just a simulation. So, I yell, "Think it through, Stiff!" That seems to work. He gets himself out not long after that.
Why am I paying so much attention to his fears? I mentally kick myself. I absolutely cannot let my attraction to this boy grow. I don't even know his name, for God's sake. I shake my head just in time to see his third fear. It looks like he must shoot a woman. Huh. I wonder what that's all about. Does he know her? Is this one a memory too? This fear is very unusual, unlike heights and confinement. Does he have a fear of committing violence? If so, he's going to have a hard time here. Sometimes in Dauntless we're given orders to do things that we don't agree with, but we have to do them anyway.
His fourth fear makes me want to vomit. We're transported to what I assume to be his former home in Abnegation. A man in gray walks toward the Stiff, saying, "This is for your own good, Tobias," as he walks toward the boy. With a start, I notice that the man is the head of the City Council, Marcus Eaton. He brandishes a belt that he uses to whip Tobias with all his might. Simulation -Marcus screams, "I will not have self-indulgent behavior in my house! I did not raise my son to be a liar!" Tobias screams in pain as the belt hits him over and over again. I am forced to watch this horrific scene until the Stiff, I mean, Tobias forces himself to calm down. I guess now I have my answer as to why he left Abnegation, and why he didn't want to tell me his name. His father is a monster. The leader of our city is a monster.
The simulation fades, and I am again looking at the characteristic bare stretch of wall in the fear landscape room. He only has four fears? "That's it?" I say, shocked. "That's all there is? God, Stiff." I really did underestimate him. Four fears. That's absolutely unheard of, and from a Stiff, no less. He's still shaking, shaken by the all-too-recent memory of his abusive father. I feel sorry for him, having to carry the burden of all of those secrets. But I'm also impressed. Not only does he have by far the least amount of fears, he faced each of them in a very short amount of time.
I walk over to him and offer him a hand to help him up. I can't help but have a look of pity for him. I thought that my childhood was hard, what with my parents being hit by a train, and my grandparents taking the Jump as a congratulations for becoming a full member of Dauntless. But looking at the Stiff, I realize that things could have been much, much worse. At least I was loved, and accepted for who I was. This only makes me respect him more.
As his hand touches mine, I feel a surge of electricity shoot up my arm. I ignore it.
He avoids my gaze, most likely in shame. I remember reading somewhere that abuse victims tend to be ashamed; they feel as if there was something else they could have done to stop it, or that they deserved it in the first place. He needs to understand that he value, and that the abuse he suffered wasn't his fault. He has four fears, and he faced each of them in less than two minutes each, only losing his composure with the last one. I want to let to let him know this, so I say, "We should come up with another name for you. Something stronger than 'Stiff'. Like 'Blade' or 'Killer' or something." After I say that he does look at me, and I smile at him. I can't really keep all of the pity out of it, though. "I wouldn't want to tell people my name either," I say by way of explanation, "Come on, let's get some food."
After we reach the dining hall, I decide to give him a leg up. He's going to need a lot of help in being treated like an equal here. Not to mention the fact that he has a lot of personal secrets to hide. An idea occurs to me, and I know he'll be just fine. We walk over to the table and I address the initiates: "You all made it out alive. Congratulations. You made it through the first day of initiation, with varying degrees of success," I say. Then I look pointedly at Eric. I want to watch that smug smile fall from his face as I say what I have to say next. I point at the Stiff, Tobias. "None of you did as well as Four over here, though." To seal the deal, I call over to Tori, who is sitting a few tables over. "Hey, Tori! You ever hear of anyone having only four fears in their fear landscape?"
"Last I heard, the record was seven or eight. Why?" Tori calls back.
I grin. "I've got a transfer over here with only four fears," I say. All of the initiates look shocked. Some incredulous, some awed. Tori points over at Four as a question, and I nod, grinning.
"That's gotta be a new record," Tori says, impressed.
I look at Four and say, "Well done." He gives me a small smile. Now my job is done. All he has to do is accept the name.
As I'm walking towards my usual table, I hear Four say to Eric, "My name is Four. Call me 'Stiff' again, and you and I will have a problem." I smile to myself.
Once I sit down, Tori gives me a strange look. "What?" I say, trying to be evasive. But she just shakes her head and smiles. "You deserve to be happy, Amar, don't fight your feelings. Everyone else will get over it, eventually," she says with a knowing look. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I say.
Just then, the others join us, and the subject is dropped. For now. God, I really am in over my head.