"I need emotion, Novocaine, I need a numbing of my brain, I need somethin' to take away the remains of your name, I need amnesia for a day and an umbrella for the rain, That hasn't gone away since you said you didn't need me" -the broken hearts club, gnash
Emily Prentiss had never been invested in a relationship before him. She was used to keeping one foot out the door and had passports and papers if she needed to run from past relationships gone sour. She was ready to break off relationships at the first signs of trouble, but this time it was different. She had pictured everything she had wanted with him. She had seen the life together, the house together, family together with a white picket fence, a dog, Sergio, and maybe even growing old together if this job didn't take one of them before they reached that age. What she hadn't seen was him pushing her away. And she truly hadn't been expecting it to happen at the time of year she was expecting them to be the happiest.
"I don't want you to celebrate Christmas with me and Jack."
"What?" Emily is caught off guard by the words out of her boyfriend's mouth. True they had only been dating for a little over a year, but Emily had expected to spend the holidays with her boyfriend and his child that she loved as her own. "When were you planning on telling me?"
"Emily, we've been dating, or attempting to for the past year. You can't honestly tell me that this feels right to you. This feels like we're just going through the motions. And I can tell you're not happy. I watched you and Garcia fawn over that Detective on the last case."
"I told you. he's not any one I want to date. You are. You're my boyfriend, not him."
"Emily, that's not the point." Aaron huffs out an angry breathe. "Tell me that you're happy convincingly." She stares into his eyes and realizes he actually believes she isn't happy.
"Aaron," She reaches for his hands. "Please tell me where you got this idea, where this is coming from. I love you. I'm happy dating you, being with you. I want to spend my life with you, with Jack."
"Emily, you keep back up IDs in you bag at all times and you've been telling JJ that if you were a 'free woman' there were so many guys that you would waste so much time on."
"Aaron, JJ and I were talking about CATS for god's sake. I wanted to adopt another one but I know you don't want another besides Sergio and I respect that. The backup IDs are not because I'm going to run. They are in case something from Interpol were to ever come back to haunt me like Doyle did. He was my last case, but he wasn't my only case. They're only in my bag because I spend more time here than I do at my own apartment. If, god forbid, I ever needed to run, I would want to spend every last moment I could with you and Jack, not having to trapes across town for a stupid ID. That's why I have them. Aaron, I love you. I told my family I was staying with my boyfriend and his child for Christmas because they're my family that I want to be with for the holidays and yet your telling me that you want this to be over?" Emily blinks away tears of heartbreak and betrayal, trying to bring Aaron back into focus.
"Maybe you should have asked me before you assumed that I was as happy as you were. Because honestly, it feels like we've been going through the motions for weeks and the only time we make sense is when we're fucking." Never in the entirety of their relationship had Aaron ever called what they did 'fucking'; it was always making love. So Emily realizes it's truly over in that moment, she doesn't even need to be a profiler in that moment.
"I had no idea that's how you felt about all of this. If you thought this was over for so long you should have told me. I would have moved on to fucking someone else Hotch." Aaron bites the left side of his tongue so that he doesn't flinch at the woman he's in love with saying she was going to fuck someone else before stopping herself from using his given name which was hers to use and hers alone. But he knew he needed to do this or else he would regret not letting her fly instead of trapping her like a lark in that song from the musical movie she made him watch the other night just because Johnny Depp was in it.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had other prospects you were dying to fuck right now." Emily let go of his hands and that was the moment he knew he pushed her over the edge and as much as he knew it hurt him, he knew she could recover from it and find someone better than a scarred up, workaholic with a kid from his first marriage. He can see her visibly swallow as she starts to turn to walk away from him. He wishes she would scream at him, fight him, tell him that she wasn't going to walk away like the Emily that was swearing she loved him only minutes ago, but he was a profiler like she was and that meant knowing each other's biggest fears and being able to lie convincingly enough to utilize it. But seeing Emily believe what he was saying hurt him so deeply he almost tells her none of it is true to stop from hurting her, although he knows at this point she won't believe him either way.
"If you wanted me to leave all you had to do was ask. You never had to be cruel about it." Emily swipes at her cheek before quickly moving to the room that had been theirs only a few moments ago. Aaron is glued to his spot, wanting to comfort the girl he will always love, but knowing if he wants to give her the best chance of being happy he needs her to believe he doesn't care. So instead of following his heart to comfort his dark eyed beauty that he wouldn't be able to call his anymore, he walks into the kitchen and pours himself three fingers of scotch. Whoever said clean breaks were for the best was a fucking liar, he thinks to himself. Before he even finishes his first glass of scotch, Emily is walking towards the front door with her go bag which looks fuller than normal, credentials, gun, and Sergio's carrier. He could see that Emily had been crying the whole time she had been in their room by the mascara smudged by her eyes and the redness rimming her eyes. "I packed up my stuff so I'll see you at work Hotch." Aaron gives her a nod since he won't be able to hide his own sadness and the anger he's feeling at the fact he managed to hurt Emily and make her cry when he was trying to make it a clean break. "Jesus, breaking up with someone you have to be the cool, calm, and collected one? What the hell happened to the man with the feelings that I was dating? Because you sure as hell aren't him. You seem more like the psychopaths we arrest than the man I love, loved." Emily swipes fresh tears away from her eyes, only adding fresh black marks under her eyes. Aaron is about to say something to calm her down when Emily suddenly responds, "You know what, I don't fucking care actually. Enjoy having the pieces of my heart Aaron. You shattered them on your floor and that's not something I can fix anytime soon." Emily storms out of the apartment and he can only watch the door that he had pushed her up against the other night slam shut behind her.
Getting into her car, Emily can't even get her keys into the ignition before she starts sobbing. She had tried to keep her composure together inside the apartment, but now outside she feels completely numb. Meaning every word she had said to Aaron, she didn't know how she would get over this heartbreak, so she calls one of the two people who might be able to help her feel even a little bit better, Derek Morgan. Who of course picks up on the first ring.
"Hey Princess, how's the day off with Hotch going?" Emily tries to take a breathe to calm herself, but a choked sob comes out. "Emily, what happened?" Emily's big brother type coworker drops the joking attitude.
"Hotch dumped me." Emily manages to get out between sobs.
"Where are you?"
"Parking lot. His apartment." She's not taking deep enough breaths to get more than broken fragments out.
"Emily, I'm going to come get you. You can come stay with me for a few days and then we can come get your car once you've calmed down. You're not in a state to drive right now ok?"
"Uhhhuhh," She mumbles, tears still racing down her face as she lets all the emotions pour out of her. She knows her best guy friend now that Aaron and her are over will be a good person to help her ignore the pangs of hurt, but she doesn't want to stop feeling them or she might not feel anything. Emily pulls her legs up to her chest and lays her head on her knees. Wrapping her arms around her legs, she lets herself cry out the feelings that don't make sense. How could she not know that Aaron didn't feel the same way? She wanted to keep moving forward with him and he could barely stand her? Surely she wasn't that wrong about her reads of people? How was she going to work with him? How was she going to pretend she wasn't absolutely blown to smithereens by his announcement that he didn't need her, he didn't want her in his life? More so, how was she supposed to be around five other team members who know her so well and pretend that nothing had changed or at least that it wasn't this devastating? She couldn't- she wouldn't mess up the chain of command just because her boyfriend broke up with her. She wouldn't be that kind of ex-girlfriend.
The knocking on the window pulls her from her thoughts and she sees her friend standing there. Derek is standing there with the face of support waiting for her. Emily opens her door and steps into his open arms. For a moment she relaxes in his arms from having a friend at this time, but then she feels an all too familiar glare on them and she realizes that Aaron is staring at them from their- his apartment window.
"Can we go?" Emily asks softly.
"Yeah, grab your bags." Emily looks at him puzzled. "First of all we're not leaving your cat in the car, but I called Garcia and she's going to come watch movies with us so you have your friends right now. I didn't tell her what happened, in case you didn't want to talk about it."
"She'll figure it out." Emily says as she grabs Sergio and her go-bag.
"Why do you say that?"
"The man that broke up with me…" Emily swallows her emotions trying to not cry again, "Isn't the same man I fell in love with. I'll probably be dealing with an Ice Age for the next couple centuries being in the same room as him."
"Well, if that's the case, the team will support you and be there for you. Hotch is an idiot for dumping you."
"No apparently I'm the idiot for not noticing it." Emily says with a sad chuckle.
"He's the idiot for breaking up with you. There's not even a fact in Reid's head that can prove that wrong Emily." Emily lets a small smile loose at that, but even Aaron can see that something inside of Emily is permanently gone. Derek helps Emily into his car and they drive back to his place in silence.
The weeks pass without either dark hair agent being able to move past the heartbreak. Emily turns into a shell of the person she was prior to her relationship with Aaron as all she wants is to be back with the man she loves and the child she loves as her own. Aaron grows colder as he has to see the woman he loves but knows he's hurt trying to give her a better life without him. It's not until he's given the request that he realizes how bad it's gotten on her end.
"Prentiss, my office." Hotch's voice rings with a harshness that none of the team was used too. But the fact that he wanted to see his ex-girlfriend privately was more surprising.
"Yes, sir?" Even though Emily could have been sarcastic since the breakup, she had been nothing but professional.
"Strauss has asked me to inform you that at this time your request to be moved to 'any department at all' can't be fulfilled since we don't have the time to train a new agent and changing the team up wouldn't be good right now." Aaron knew it was slightly unprofessional to tell this reason to both Emily and Strauss but in all honesty he couldn't let Emily completely leave his life. He needed to make sure she was ok.
"So when you want to change up things, it's ok. But when I can't stand working with my ex on a day to day basis it's not ok?" Emily snaps ever so slightly. Her eyes squeeze shut as she realizes what she said out loud. "I'm sorry. Pardon the outburst. Is there anything else sir?"
"No that is all."
"Then here are my files. I'm done with them and I have to leave early for an appointment out of office." Her wording puzzled Aaron, nothing had been sent to him.
"We're not working anything right now."
"Doctor's appointment sir."
"Oh, I understand. I apologize." Emily looks at him for a moment longer than normal, before nodding. She gets up and is almost to the door when Aaron calls out to her using the name he hasn't used since they broke up. "Emily wait."
"Yes sir?"
"I'm sorry if I've been unprofessional since we broke up, I've been having a hard time keeping the line drawn between ex-boyfriend and BAU Aaron." Emily looks confused with the utilization of his first name. "But even though we didn't end on the best note, I don't want you thinking you're on your own if you ever need someone to talk to when you have your Bad Days ok? I'm still here for you even if we didn't work out."
"I wouldn't hold your breath sir. I'll find someone else to talk to about my Bad Days now." Emily opens his door and walks out of the building. Aaron doesn't know how long he's working for but he gets deep into the files and his thoughts of Emily and where everything went wrong. It wasn't until his phone went off that he realized it had been almost four hours since Emily left. "Hotchner."
"Aaron?" JJ's voice sounds almost broken and he knows it would only be about one person that she would sound like this to him.
"What happened? Is she ok?" Aaron is already imagining the life leaving the brown eyes he loves so much.
"Aaron, she tried to end her life." The air is knocked out of him and he doesn't remember how to breathe. "She didn't succeed, but it's bad. She's in surgery right now, they're trying to stop the bleeding."
"Where is she?"
"Mary Washington Hospital."
"I'll be there."
"Hotch, if she makes it out. Tell her. Don't let her pain keep going."
"When she makes it out, I will." Aaron doesn't even look back at the paperwork he had been working on as he grabs his keys and phone. The woman he loves tried to end her own life, because of him, how could he live with himself? He asks Siri to text JJ and tell her to alert the rest of the team that Emily was hurt and is in the hospital, but ask them not to come yet as Emily wouldn't want them to see her until she is feeling up to it. She replies almost instantaneously that she was already in the process of doing so, but that most of them weren't going to probably listen. Aaron's phone goes off almost immediately after her text with Dave's photo on it.
"You're an idiot." Dave's harsh voice comes through the phone.
"Dave."
"None of this would have happened if you hadn't pushed her away."
"You think I don't know that? Dave, she tries to kill herself because of me and you think I don't regret pushing her away? Why do you think I'm racing over to her right now? Why do you think I'm trying to figure out how to tell her that I didn't mean those disgusting lies and all I want to do is protect her from everything, even if it means protecting her from herself?"
"Aaron, you're blind and stupid if you think she's going to just take you back."
"I know, but I can't let her live with the stupid lies I've let her live with for the past months. Dave I will live with the guilt of her suicide attempt and her pain for the rest of my life alone if I have to. But I can't let her think that I don't want her like the air I breathe. I can't let her think that her heart is the only one that was shattered on the floor that day just because I wanted her to have a chance with someone that isn't already messed up."
"Aaron, why didn't you just give her that option instead of lying to her?"
"Because I'm an idiot. And everyone knows it but her apparently." A sob threatens to rip out of Aaron's mouth. "God, I said the worse things to her that day and she took them personally and wants to end her life Dave. My beautiful brown eyed girl doesn't want to live."
"You told her awful things and she's not going to forgive you-"
"I know."
"Easily. But this is Emily. And she loves you. Don't count her out yet. But tell her everything and apologize until you're blue in the face. Because she is not going to trust you for a long time Aaron, but that doesn't mean she won't."
"I just want to take her pain away right now."
"Prove to her you never stopped loving her and maybe you will." Aaron pulls into the parking lot.
"I just arrived at the hospital."
"Morgan is probably not going to listen to JJ and still show up. He's been Emily's shoulder to cry on." Aaron thinks back to when he saw Derek Morgan outside of his apartment meer minutes after he broke up with Emily and remembered the jealousy that had rolled off of him. "He's her best friend while you forced yourself away from her. Don't be stupid. Let him be there and you'll be showing her that you trust her."
"I know you're right, but-"
"But you want to be her only knight in shining armor. Unfortunately you pushed her to find other knights while you were out of the picture and treating her like garbage. Take what she will give you. Now go to her Aaron."
"Thank you Dave." Aaron sprints from the car to the front door, hoping to find JJ and figure out what if, anything, has changed since they spoke. The blonde profiler was waiting was waiting for him in the waiting room. "How is she?"
"Her doctor just came out a few minutes ago. They just finished the surgery. She's being moved into recovery shortly, but they had to do massive amounts of reconstruction to her wrists as she cut through her veins and tendons in one arm but only managed to get through the veins in her right wrist since she had to cut it before she went for her left one." JJ blinks back tears before continuing. "She'll be sedated for the next couple hours and they have her strapped down until they figure out if she's still a risk to herself."
"Is she going to recover? Can we see her?"
"She's lost a lot of blood, but they expect her to fully recover. She's going to need therapy to help with the suicidal thoughts though. The doctor says once she's in recovery we can see her. They said if it's just us we can stay with her until she's awake since she may stay calmer at being restrained if they're friendlier faces."
"How was she found?"
"I had a bad feeling. I can't explain it Hotch, but there was something in my gut that felt off, so I went to go check on her and-" JJ's voice chokes off. Talking about her best friend was different than discussing the victims they deal with on the daily. "I called the ambulance and they brought us here. The team mostly was willing to listen, but-"
"Morgan is on his way yes?"
"Yeah, is that-"
"He's the person she's felt comfortable with lately, I won't push him out. I just need to be here for her. I need to tell her everything I lied about."
"Make sure you do. I won't say she will forgive you any time soon, but if the conversations she and I had were any indicator, all she wants is to go back to her life with you and Jack. She doesn't understand where everything went wrong."
"It went wrong in my mind. She was everything right in the world and I couldn't figure out why she wanted me. I need to tell her that." Morgan walks into the waiting room at that moment.
"You really think she wants you here? You're the reason she doesn't want to live anymore. You. You ruined her life."
"I know. I ruined both of us with the stupid lies I told her just because I didn't think I deserved her and I knew all the right words to get her to believe." Morgan's fist clench as though he is going to punch Aaron in the middle of the ER.
"You did what?" He seethes. "She has been broken for weeks. Her heart shattered and now she tried to end her life and it's all because you lied? No. That's not good enough!"
"You don't get to decide that."Aaron tries to calmly speak knowing throwing any words in anger will push Morgan farther.
"Hotch, you broke her. You don't just get to waltz back into her life just because you want too. You have to know that if you decide again to leave her she will never recover."
"I never plan on leaving her again if given the chance. I never should have in the first place, but I thought she deserved something better than the broken person she was with. I didn't think I'd break both of us even farther with it. I thought she'd recover and move on and find the person she was really supposed to be with, not try to end her life and break us both more."
"Hotch, she wanted to be with you. Doesn't she get a say in it at all?"
"I just wanted to make sure she had her chance to fly." JJ and Morgan both look confused by his statement but at that moment, Emily's doctor finds them and brings them all back to her room. Aaron can't even look at the people they pass or the surroundings they pass. His eyes can only look for the woman he loves with his whole heart even if she can never love him back. He knows he can't breathe completely until he sees that she is truly alive. He searches for raven hair and copper flecked eyes, but when he is lead into her room he sees skin too white to be her's and raven hair that is too dark in comparison. The bandages wrapping her arms look ivory instead of white in comparison to her pale skin and the bands used to hold her arms down look arkic and almost like something one of their unsubs would use. But her face looks completely relaxed for the first time in weeks and Aaron feels in his heart all the pain he's caused her by seeing the painless look on her face.
"Once the blood transfusion is completed, her color will start to return." Her doctors voice only slightly registers in Aaron's mind as he looks his love over. There's a chair next to the bed and he nearly falls into it next to Emily and before the tears fall from his eyes. "I'll leave you all with her later and will be back to check on her in a few hours."
"Em, oh Em."Aaron's hand finds her's for the first time in months, purely because he needs to feel that she's truly there. "I'm so sorry." His blurred vision watches as her chest rises and falls just so insanely happy that she's alive. JJ's hand settle's on his shoulder and he turns towards her slightly, his eyes never leaving Emily.
"I'm going to call the rest of the team and let them know how Emily is doing." Aaron nods, not being able to say much. Morgan sits across from the bed his eyes on Aaron and Emily not sure what to make of the scene in front of him. He was here for Emily, but he was also thinking over what Aaron had said and if it was true than could Emily's pain be ended?
Waiting for Emily to wake up from sedation seems to take forever. The minutes pass like hours. The hours pass like years. Eventually Emily's eyes start to flutter and Aaron can't help but call out to her. "Em?"
"Aaron? I had the weirdest dream last night. You broke up with me, and then I commited suicide." Aaron's heart fills with pain as he hears her talking as though nothing had changed between them.
"Emily-" But Emily's eye open and immediately drop to her bandaged and strapped down hands.
"Not a dream." Emily takes a deep breath. "Please let go of me Hotch." Aaron removes his hands but stays where he is.
"Emily, I have to tell you, I lied."
"Hotch, just because I'm here doesn't mean you have to play out the fantasy you think I want to hear. I had a bad day and you're right I need to figure out someone different to talk to, but I'm not going to hurt myself anymore."
"Emily. I'm not playing to any fantasy. I promised myself and others that when you made it out alive, I would tell you the truth. That I lied all those weeks ago, because I wanted you to have the chance to love someone who deserved you, who wasn't broken and I knew I had to dig deep and use the words you trusted me to keep or else you'd be trapped like a lark in a cage-"
"Sweeney Todd did you in? Sweeney Todd is the reason you broke up with me? Unhook my arms, please?" He couldn't read the feelings on her face.
"If I do are you going to hit me?"
"I haven't decided yet, but that makes so much more sense than anything that has happened in the past couple weeks. We were doing so good and then suddenly you said we weren't, but I couldn't figure out what triggered it." Aaron unhooks the straps keeping her arms hooked to her sides and is surprised when her arms are wrapped around his neck in a few moments time. "I figure it out weeks ago that you lied, I just couldn't figure out why."
"Why this then Emily?"
"If you were so set on us not being together, I didn't want to be alone anymore." Emily lets go of him realizing he wasn't hugging her back, but his arms are pulling her back into him.
"Don't scare me like this again. I thought I lost you forever. I love you so much my brown eyed girl and I need you in my life, Jack needs you in his life, and I'm the biggest liar on the whole planet for telling you we didn't want you in our lives. And I definitely was lying when I said it was anything other than making love-"
"I know. That's why it hurt so much. I meant it when I told you to keep my shattered heart. Even in pieces you were the only one it would ever belong to."
"I was your bad day wasn't I Em?" She shakes her head.
"Every day since we broke up has been a bad day. I don't want to be in a world where we aren't together anymore. Especially when I knew you lied, I just couldn't figure out why." Emily leans to kiss Aaron on the lips and Aaron reaches a hand to her hair to feel the dark locks in his hands once more. Neither of the dark haired pair notice that Morgan had walked over to where JJ was standing.
"So everything goes back to normal now?" Morgan asks her softly.
"No everything gets better I think."
"I'm the newest member of the broken hearts club, We hate every little thing about the people that we love, We're the let-down, we're the lied-to, where the lost go and it finds you, Where the lonely make the lonely feel less lonely, and we're dyin' to, Invite you to stay, and take away the pain, 'Cause misery loves company, so hey, what do you say?"-the broken hearts club, gnash
Author's Note: to be honest, this came to me in the middle of the night and I just had to get it out on paper. Currently I'm in the middle of NaNoWriMo where I am writing a happier Hotchniss story that will hopefully start posting in December while I start up writing on Unknown to Him again :) Thanks for reading -Lizzy