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Summary: Romano loves Spain, but not quite in the same way that Spain loves him. His former caretaker's insistence is scaring him, and Romano doesn't know how to tell the Spaniard that he just doesn't swing that way, and he fears if he is continued to be pushed he'll end up scaring Spain away forever. Virtually friendless, Romano turns to the only one he can think of to help him, who suggests a deceptive, but possibly effective, method of getting Spain off his back without severing ties completely.

T for Romano's colorful tongue and France's franciness.

I don't own Hetalia, I'm just breaking the barriers of what is considered a 'normal' Hetalia fanfic, and am doing so with an unusual pairing. Deal.

-Prelude-

"I... I-I need your help. Bitch." Romano glared at the woman in front of him, both their faces flickering in the candlelight, half-lit in the empty closet. "And what the hell is with the lighting?"

The girl laughed. "That's interesting, normally you wouldn't call people you needed help from 'bitch.' And you looked like your brother's life was on the line and you had secret info when you said you needed to speak to me, can you blame me? It adds effect, don't you feel like a spy in a movie?"

"I feel like a moron hiding in a closet with an insane hag, begging her for help like a dog!" Romano scoffed. His amber eyes reflected annoyance and hurt pride in the situation

"Ok, sorry." The girl backed off a bit, reminded of the discomfort he must feel at asking anyone for help with something obviously important to him. Romano was adamant in his independent barrier, keeping himself shielded from everyone else with a wall of hate. He must have tried every which way to solve the problem before consulting her. "What did you want, Romano?" She still was irritated at his rude manner, but she put it aside so she could help. "I won't tell a soul.'

Romano snorted , but otherwise didn't respond. "It's Spain." he finally whispered through gritted teeth. The candle flickered in his downward-cast breath of shame. "He shows up all the time with flowers or chocolates or some shit, but-"

"You don't know how to say you love him!? You don't know what to get him for christmas or his birthday!?" She said this unbelievably fast. "Oh, I love yaoi!" she trilled. "Is it-"

"Idiot! It's that I don't know how to get it through his thick skull THAT I'M STRAIGHT! At least not without hurting him! I don't even know how I could hurt him to make him stay away! No matter how much I insult him or tell him I hate him or want him to fuck off!"

"It kinda loses it's effect after hundreds of years, he's probably not affected anymore." she reasoned.

"No shit, Sherlock! I don't want to hurt him, but I tried being nice! He doesn't get it!"

'I wonder what 'nice' Romano is like.' The girl thought. "Well, maybe-"

"He raised me for gods' sake! I think of the bastard as a father, no more, no less! He keeps coming back, though, trying to woo his precious 'Lovi'. " He spat the nickname in disgust. "No matter what the fuck comes through my lips, he always says I shouldn't 'dirty such beautiful things'! I hate i-"

"Ok, that's enough! I do feel bad you don't care about him like that when he's so devoted to you though." Indeed the woman's disappointed frown was evident, but in the dim light, to Romano, she looked absolutely murderous that such a perfect romantic boy couple wouldn't fall in love and kiss and cuddle and have- Wait what? "But..."

After a few moments Romano's impatience exploded. "Well, bitch!?" he demanded.

"You say you're straight?"

He bit back an insult. "Sí"

"Not even slightly not-straight?"

"No."

"You're so straight that it's not str-"

"NO! ARE YOU TRYING TO PISS ME OFF!? I. AM. NOT. INTERESTED. IN. HIM."

"...In him? What about-" She laughed at his expression. "You need to date someone."

"I'll have you see, witch, that- Date someone? A girl?"

"Duh, it wouldn't do too much to improve your 'straight' image if you date a guy."

He considered this for several minutes, scowling when he realized something. "One problem: I couldn't get a date if I wanted to. Stupid whores think they're better than me!"

The woman rolled her eyes. "Can't imagine why you would have a problem, Mr. Sunshine."

"I hate you."

"You don't want my help?"

"Your solution sucks."

"What about my other one, hmm?" She asked playfully.

"What, get over my denial and go fuck Spain so you can get photos? Like shit, screw off."

"No, another one that doesn't involve anything like that, or even that involves Spain."

"...Well? "

"Ready to be nice?"

"Sure. What the fuck ever!"

"You've heard of mutualism, yes? Both parties benefit from some kind of interaction? I sometimes wonder if anyone would be jealous of someone I was dating, two people in particular. If I were to pretend to date you, I would find out and you could practice your... strategies, with me." Romano nodded "If we 'broke up' someone might get some balls, if they were holding out, and ask me out." She added darkly, chuckling evilly. Romano shivered in fright.

"Uhh..."

"We wouldn't have to actually be together a lot, only in public with other countries, otherwise I wouldn't bother. You're such an ass." she stated matter-of-factly.

"Shit, I get it. This is for your gain, everyone hates me and even my fratello can't see one redeeming trait in me! You've made your point, asshole!"

"You're hurting your pride so you don't hurt Spain, that's good enough." She said cautiously, ready to smack him but restraining herself.

"And to get him to stop stalking me!" He protested, blushing slightly at the almost-praise.

"That's one of many problems you have, Romano. If anyone sees a slightly nice side of you then you cover it up with spite and selfishness!" She sighed, taking a breath and tuning out his response. "You act, I act, I teach you how to treat human beings, we 'break up' in a few months. You move on, I find out who likes me, win-win." She smiled at him mischievously, he squirmed uncomfortably.

"Fine. Fine! FINE! Stop that, you're creeping me out! I agree, bastard! Happy? This better work."

"Excellent. I have a party to plan."

A/N: Hello peeps! So, this idea worked it's way into my brain ands rooted itself. I thank you for reading so far! First of all, I've been having weird dreams lately. One was about my cat that died a few months ago coming back to life and the other was the night before and it turned into PruAus at the end, a pairing I think is interesting but don't really ship, so I may be a bit messed up right now.

Anyway, the point of this fic as I developed a plot was to break down some walls. I've only seen S. Italy paired with Spain, Prussia (O.o?), and (seriously, where did this come from!?) N. Italy. I appreciate a good yaoi fic as much as the next fangirl, but incest is just... No.

Back to the point, I also wanted to expand the woman's pairing range because I've only seen her with 2 people. If you haven't guessed who it is, I've done a better job than I expected and I'll leave it for next chapter. I portrayed her more as I've seen her in fanfiction than the actual anime and Romano seems out of character, but stick with me. Romano is not paired with Prussia, Spain, or his brother, but with one of the (regrettably) few female characters in Hetalia. I don't really like genderswitch, either. This wasn't made exclusively because I feel like Romano MUST be straight, it was made for fun and to share my ideas with the world.

If you feel like this is too weird an idea to read, or you're just too stuck in the Spamano box, then flame me to your hearts content, come at me bro! Just know I value constructive criticism, comments, or follows much more than personal attacks.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. I'll do something for the first person to guess the mystery woman, some sort of prize. I won't put her in the main characters until next update, nonetheless it's still pretty easy to guess, so don't expect a new car.