Disclaimer: don't own it
Hermione was protesting that Snape had given her an E for misspelling 'czar'.
"Technically, Professor, it's not misspelled! I looked it up in library and the Russian language is a bit more difficult than people think it is. For example--"
Snape tried to avoid her, walking up the marble steps as she followed him.
"And there was a 13 day difference in the calendars--"
Snape went through double doors, still trying to avoid her. When she started reciting the Russian alphabet, however, he turned her head, still walking and shouted,
"Miss Granger, might I remind you that your Potion exam grade is technically a E as you misspelled practice as 'practise!'"
"Professor!" cried Hermione in terror.
"No I am not changing your results for the fifth time, Miss Granger!" snapped Snape.
"No it's just that. You're about to fall off the edge…" whispered Hermione.
"What the-"
Snape turned his head forward and saw that he was at the edge of the astronomy tower. Shocked, Snape footing deceived him and slipped. He clamped both hands on the marble edge.
"Miss Granger, help me!"
An uncannily evil smile cracked onto Hermione's flustered face.
"Misspelled 'czar', have I, Professor?"
"No, of course you haven't!"
"But you said-"
"To hell with what I said, help me!"
"To hell with what you say, eh? Well, if I remember correctly, you told me to help you…"
"Please! I'll do anything!"
"Anything?" repeated Hermione, putting an emphasis on the word.
"Yes…"
Two weeks later…
Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at the Gryffindor table during dinner. Harry and Ron both gaped at their end-of-term exam results clutched in their hands.
"I know Snape's gone off his rocker after he started singing lessons but still…" said Harry, ripping his eyes from the large O scribbled on his exam paper.
"Yeah," said Ron, slipping his exam paper into his pocket. "I forgot the second ingredient to that Muffinberry Potion or whatever it was and wrote, "add 1 cup of jellybeans." Dad said it's a very popular ingredient with muggles who take them whenever they felt down. This is a happiness potion after all…"
Just then, the double doors to the Great Hall flew open and in marched Neville who was beating a drum, Seamus who was abusing a stubborn accordion, Ernie who was yelling a song at the top of his voice, Ginny who was shooting confetti out of her want and last but not least a furious Professor Snape who was whacking his baton at passersby.
They were all shouting, Snape rather sulkily as he missed Harry's head and concussed Draco.
The song went:
"I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
Love's going to leave me
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan"
"Well, that's new." Said Fred, who had come to visit during the break. "I heard them rehearsing Celestino Warbeck's song but still."
"I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk"
"So what convinced Snape to do his little turn on the catwalk?" sniggered George, coming up behind them with a bucket of Puking Pastilles he was selling.
"Oh, I'm sure it's just the pressure." Said Hermione, the corners of her lips twitching.
"You think?" whispered Harry as he watched Snape twirl his baton ungratefully.
The day ended with Neville, Seamus, Ginny and Draco ending up in the Hospital wing after they had sung themselves hoarse. Snape had shut himself in his room, people whispering that he was ashamed of his terrible ability to twirl a baton.
No on ever found out about Hermione and Snape's deal, as J.K. Rowling decided unwisely that it wouldn't please children very well.
The song is called "I'm too sexy" by Right Said Fred