Just a fair warning: I don't mean to mock or make fun of the Vampire Diaries, I too am a fellow VD maniac, but I just thought it would be kind of fun to… Well, poke fun! This story is my funny interpretation of what each person it doing! Enjoy and make sure to leave comments…
Damon: Feeding and mind/brain washing every women physically available into thinking that they love him so he can get over his love for Elena, who by the way will probably never love him, if you didn't already get that memo. (Women obviously don't dig him.)
Elena: Trying to commit suicide by being the human sacrifice for Elijah and Klaus's bad ass "Hate Sun Curse" plan. (This girl has some major emotional issues.)
Stefan: Brooding, having almost-sex with Elena, being an almost too good of a friend to Caroline, trying to be the good parent he never had to Damon, brood… have almost-sex with Elena and then trying to corrupt her by trying to get her to skip school. (He's an original Tortured Bad Ass isn't he?")
Alaric: Trying to get into Jenna's pants because John keeps on cock-blocking him with the whole, "Are you sure Alaric didn't kill Isobel, Jenna?" (We can already see that this relationship will never work… The man's a vamp hunter for God's sake!)
Jenna: Trying to figure out what the hell happened to the infamous Isobel, even thought people keep on telling her to knock it the fuck off. If she doesn't she's gonna get stabbed in the gut… again. (We can plainly see where Elena gets all her suicidal tendencies. What is with these women and their damn stubbornness?)
Jeremy: Becoming a vamp hater/fighter because Damon won't stop killing/threatening/fighting him and because the dude obviously can't keep a vamp girlfriend to save his life. So now instead of a vampire… he's going after the witch! Oh… young supernatural love. (I have to comment. This kid is just plainly messed up.)
Caroline: Trying to get rid of her "Dumb Blonde" stereotype by replacing it with the, "Vampire Barbie Who Sucks Blood And Can't Keep A Grip On Matt Because She's A Vampire Barbie" scenario. (I'm beginning to sense a pattern here.)
Bonnie: Trying to become the hero/Damon hater/torturer/killer of Damon/Jeremy lover/everything else besides the fact that she is only about 5' feet tall and a little over 90 pounds. She is also not a main/that important character so therefore she is not allowed to save the day. She also likes to start fires/torture Damon over and over again with her brain. (Why are all witches/warlocks African American?)
Matt: Trying to get in as much screen time as possible because he is never in the episodes anymore and therefore he is now unimportant. He is also trying to find out what the fuck is happening to Caroline and why she has fangs, drinks blood and has her own set of magical/brings people back to life blood. We'll see if he catches on. (I bet he'll be dead by the end of season 2... Tops.)
Katherine: Trying to get along with Elena even though she hates her, trying to get Stefan to love her again even though he hates her and trying to sex it up with Damon even though he manages to hate her and be extremely turned on all at the same time. (I love Katherine but apparently nobody else does.)
John: Being a dick/stubby fingered father/cock-blocker/ass/douche all in just one episode. Need I sat more? (Must be hard to be him. I hope somebody kills him… but this time he needs to stay dead, just so we're clear.)
Tyler: Being the alcoholic, overly aggressive, hairy werewolf boy that rape kissed Caroline and then proceeded to ponder whether or not to save her and let her out of her little vamp cage. Real smooth. (Isn't he charming?)
Jules: Being the bitch that tears apart people who are camping, then appearing naked in the woods (kinky) and then killing some policemen who just conveniently happen to be strolling in the woods in the morning. Have I mentioned that this bitch needs to die already. In her spare time she enjoys looking for moonstones that don't belong to her, wolf napping Tyler Lockwood and trying to kill Stefan and Damon. Not. Cool. (She really just needs to die already…no one likes a vampire stalker.)
Elijah: Busy being pissed over the fact that he got killed two times in one episode. The last time being killed by an emotional 17 year old girl. (Pity. I liked him. The only character that was supposed to be invincible died! What the hell is that about?)
Andy: Enjoying having no possible clue of what's really happening to her and why Damon bites her and drinks her blood. I am imagining that they sleep with each other a lot even though Damon only likes her because of her kick-ass name. (Wait! I have a pretty cool name! Why doesn't he bite me?)
Klaus: Busy being faceless… (Why doesn't he just show up already? They should all be dead by now anyways.)
Rose: Busy being dead…
Luka: Busy being dead…
Dr. Martin: Busy being dead…
Almost everyone else in Mystic Falls: Busy being dead, clueless or planning another Founders' event. (This town clearly has no future what so ever…)
Isobel: Busy being a bitch, a horrible wife, a crappy mother and teaming up with the ultimate bitch, Katherine. (Don't get me wrong, I love her but someone get her a parenting book or two.)
P.S. Never move to Mystic Falls unless you want to end up dead, a vampire, come back from the dead or be Damon's personal Meals-On-Wheels/Sex Buddy.
LOVE,
EDEN!