Metal Gear Steven
Plot Summary: When Lars mocks the stealth skills he claims to have learned from the Gems, Steven challenges the clerk to a high-stakes game of treachery and intrigue to prove that he's a "dauntless warrior of the shadows." It's Tactical Espionage Action in the Steven Universe style! (Faux-Steven Universe/Metal Gear Solid crossover)
Prologue: Snake Beater
"Punch it." Garnet said.
Steven bit his lip as he looked down at what Garnet wanted him to punch: a modestly sized turquoise snake he and the Gems had cornered while they were exploring the jungle.
"I don't wanna." Steven replied.
Amethyst pinched the bridge of her nose as she resisted the urge to turn into a giant fist and do Steven's work for him. Most of her day had been spent trudging around this muggy, slimy jungle, and while splashing in the muck had been fun at first, it now felt like every bloodsucking bug in the joint was after her eyeballs. The sooner Steven finished this part up, the sooner they could go back home. "Just kill the snake, Steven…they don't go down so good when they're still alive." She said, rubbing her stomach as she remembered how she had come across that particular piece of knowledge years before.
"Now hold on." Pearl quickly grabbed Steven by the shoulders as if his hesitance would suddenly disappear and he'd pounce on the serpent for all he was worth. "You should check if it's poisonous before you do either of those things."
"Why should he do that first?" Amethyst asked. "It'd be a lot safer to check if it's all ready dead. And if it is poisonous, it won't come around to bother Steven again."
"Ohhhhh, you're right." Pearl's hands, which had been holding Steven back, started to gently push him toward the stationary reptile. "Kill the snake, Steven."
But despite their prodding, Steven remained stock still, the position of his arms tightly fixed as if bolted to his sides. "Can't we just order out?" he asked.
He turned to face Pearl with the most pleading and (in his opinion) adorable look he could muster, but she was having none of it. "This is wilderness survival, Steven. In the terrible, but not unlikely event that you end up in a hostile environment-." She briefly paused, stopping herself from saying 'again' as she didn't much enjoy thinking about the first time that had happened. "-Without us and can't just warp out, you'll need to know how to fend for yourself until you can find a way home. We've all ready taught you how to set up camp and search for water. Now it's time to gather some food. So kill the snake." Pearl said sweetly, as if pitching a tent or cutting open some vines was the same as ending a life. "Because if you can't, well, I'm not sure we can trust you to go running around on your own anymore, given how much trouble you get into when you do."
"Punch it." Garnet commanded, sterner this time.
Steven gulped. He knew it would come to this. The writing was on the wall: prove yourself a killer or we'll make sure you never leave our side for the rest of your life. They'd slap the baby cuffs on him again and throw away the Velcro keys. He didn't understand why things had to turn out this way. It wasn't his fault that his impromptu island adventure had caused the Gems to panic and turn Beach City inside out looking for him. They should've realized that he had warped away instead of tearing a mile-long, mile-deep gash across the shoreline and commandeering half the ships in the harbor to search for him at sea. And if they wanted to get technical, it was mostly Sadie's fault that he was marooned on that island in the first place. But no, he had to face this atrocious moral dilemma alone. Which was a shame, because Sadie's snake-killing skills were probably as good as her fish-murdering skills.
"How about I just eat some berries or roots?" Steven suggested.
Pearl shook her head. "You're a growing boy, Steven. You need your protein."
"Eugh!" Amethyst growled, scratching at her mane to flush out the horde of insects that she just knew were trying to make a nest out of it. "I don't see what the big deal is! Lion's eaten like a hundred of those things since we got here." She pointed to Lion, who was too busy slurping up a snake like a big, scaly, and still wriggling noodle to respond.
"Et tu, Lion?"
"Just hit it with a rock, dude."
"Amethyst! We aren't savages!" Pearl gasped. "Steven, use the serrated bowie knife I gave you."
Steven looked down at the thick, curved blade in his right hand and all the cruel blocky teeth laced along its inner edge. "This is a knife? I thought it was a small sword!"
"Steven!" Garnet took a hard step forward. "That thing is really starting to creep me out. Kill it before it slithers up our pants!"
"C-can't we find him a last meal before I-?"
The Gems might have conceded; Steven might have gotten his way. Perhaps, the snake would've been spared this morbid trial and the group would move on to less violent pursuits. But the loud voices, the jittery movements, and the unpleasant vibrations caused by each step the enormous, bickering beings that surrounded it had caused a very different kind of agitation to take root in the reptilian brain of Steven's would-be victim. So before Steven could even finish his sentence, the slithering rope of scaly green swiftly uncoiled and lashed out, sinking its fangs into Garnet's left ankle.
A high-pitched whine filled the air, seemingly coming from behind Garnet's tightly pursed lips. "Ah," she gasped, before exploding in a puff of dazzling smoke.
"Garnet?" Steven paled as his stalwart guardian's crimson and azure Gems fell into the uncaring dirt. "Garnet?! GAAAAAAAAAAAARNEEEEEEEEEEEET!"
Steven leapt at the serpent, who was quite confused that the creature it had bit had suddenly vanished and that the spot it was laying on had suddenly gotten darker. His knife came down on its treacherous body, then he struck it with his empty fist. Then he slashed at it with his knife again. Then he punched it once more. Knife. Fist. Knife. Fist. Knife. Fist.
Once he was sure that the snake wouldn't be biting any of his other mentors, Steven got on his knees and panted. His enraged assault on the beast had left him short of breath and very little of the animal to use as rations. The violence committed had churned its flesh, guts, and bone into the soft mud, creating an unsalvageable and revolting stew.
That wasn't much of a problem though. Like they always say, the second kill was always a lot easier and went a lot smoother than the first.
The Main Event: Cubes of the Patriots
"So Steven." Connie began, eying her best friend's forehead as casually as she could, given what had been tied around it – with no explanation - all afternoon. "I've been meaning to ask, what's with the headband?"
The young Gem ran a hand across his headband and the blocky, white painted letters that spelled 'Snake Beater' along its length. "The jungle changes a man, Connie. It gets inside you and sucks you dry of everything kind and gentle like a leech you accidentally swallowed because you were delirious from heat stroke and thought it was a piece of gemelli."
Connie looked down at the carrot stick she had been about to munch on, then put it back in its Tupperware with the others. "Is this about where you went yesterday?"
"It's not just about where I went, it's what came home with me…" Steven muttered, staring dead ahead and seeing something behind or in place of the Big Donut's soda fountain.
"Because the jungle got inside of you?"
"That's right," Steven took a halfhearted nibble out of his chocolate donut. "The things I saw, the things I had to do, the things that happened when I didn't do them."
How vague and trivial this all sounded. What broad, shallow terms to describe the encroaching, hostile reality he had endured. But what words were there in his or any other language that could adequately encompass the sounds, smells, and temperatures of that verdant meat grinder of the soul? The ubiquitous chirps and buzzing that masked the quieter movements of the things you should've been on the lookout for? The wet air that smothered, distracted, and pestered as you struggled to survive? And the heat, like you were being slowly boiled and basted in the leafy heart of darkness beyond the brittle protection of civilization? He knew now how fragile the comforts of his town were. One day, the planet could rise up and overtake everything mankind had ever built and in the epilogue of that apocalyptic leveling, only the pragmatic, the cruel, and the ferocious would prosper. People who were like beasts. People who were like him.
"These are the gnarled hands of a survivooooor," he opened his hands and brought them up to his face, taking care to hold down the pastry with his thumb.
Connie leaned back and looked over Steven's shoulder. "Hey, you've got calluses now. Neat."
Steven's furrowed brow unfurled in astonishment. "You think so?" he had his left ring finger rub the middle of his palm. Rough, tough, and dull. "Huh, I came here to wallow in existential angst about the nature of conflict and our inner animals, but yeah, they're like flesh pads. Like Lion's. Like yours!"
The girl smiled, glad that her friend was in better spirits, and showed him her calluses; which, to her newfound disappointment, didn't look much like Lion's paws. "These are just from tennis, Steven, but I know where you're coming from," she assured. "I went to summer camp a few times. It could get pretty harsh, but I learned a lot of neat stuff like first aid, how to make a fire and set camp, how to fish, how to cook, how to sail a boat, that kind of stuff."
"The Gems taught me how to do some of those things too…except the sail a boat part."
"I can show you later if there's time." Connie offered as she went to the soda fountain and refilled her glass with seltzer water. With Steven – hopefully – back to his old self, she felt like she'd be needing the hydration. "What else did they teach you?" she asked, dropping a lemon wedge from her lunchbox into the cup.
"How to hunt for food, but I'm not too wild on that one," he said. "But they also taught me how to send out an interplanetary SOS with my Gem, I've almost got that down, and they also taught me-." At this, he looked from side-to-side as if to check for hidden eavesdroppers. Then when Connie rejoined him at the condiments table, he leaned in and loudly whispered. "-The Art of Stealth."
"You?! Stealthy?! Hah!" a snide, whine-pitched voice laughed. "That's rich!"
Steven had been so engrossed with listing off the survival skills the Gems had taught him that he hadn't heard Lars come in with a box of those stomach-turning Lion Lickers. "B-but I am," he protested. "The Gems said I'm really good at it now!"
"Sure they did, Steven. Sure they did." Lars retorted in a subversive tone that was saying anything but 'sure'.
"It's true!"
"You're the most awkward and obnoxious person I know." Lars said as he restocked the ice cream cabinet. "No way you could ever sneak up on ANYbody."
"I so totally could!" Steven snapped. He turned towards his bespectacled companion. "You believe me, don't you Connie?"
Connie stopped glaring in Lars' direction to flash Steven a gentle and largely sincere gaze. "Sure I do. I'd love to 'see' it in action."
Steven blinked, trying to determine why she had chosen to emphasize that particular word.
"Because I wouldn't be able to see it."
Steven rubbed his chin.
"Because you'd be too stealthy to notice."
"Ohhhhh."
"But right now, you don't have a reason to be sneaky. So that might have to wait."
"A reason? Hmmm, THAT'S IT!" Steven clenched his fists, uncaring of the donut he accidentally crushed in the process. "Lars!" he cried, pointing at the skinny youth with his crumb-covered right hand. "I challenge you to a game of hide-and-headlock!"
Lars, usually sluggish in just about everything he did, whipped his head around at the mention of the dare and grimaced. "Hide-and headlock?" he echoed meanly, slamming the freezer door behind him. "There's no such thing! You totally made that up!"
"We all make our own reasons for living, Lars." Steven said, setting his knuckles on his hips and spreading icing on his jeans. "And mine right now is to prove I'm a dauntless soldier of the shadows."
"So what are the rules of hide-and-headlock?" Connie asked curiously.
"Don't encourage him!" Lars scolded.
"The rules are simple. I have a week to sneak up behind you and put you in a headlock, thus proving my stealth." Steven said with such panache and conviction that you would swear that he hadn't just come up with it all on the spot.
"You do realize you'd have to get all the way up-." He brought his hand from his thigh and set it in a plateau motion above his left shoulder. "-here to get your arms around my neck, right?" Steven nodded. Lars squinted at him. "What are the stakes?"
"Now who's encouraging him?" Connie glowered as she sipped her drink.
"If I win, you have to wear a headband and t-shirt that say, 'Ninja Steven Rules' for an entire week."
Lars snorted. "That's tame, dude, but I'll bite. However, if I win, you're not allowed to say anything for an entire week. I'm talking complete silence," he said, running a clenched thumb and index finger over his chapped lips. "You'll even have to eat quietly!"
Steven mimicked the gesture. "My lips will be sealed."
A silent Steven. The concept was music to Lars' pierced ears. But just to make sure things were completely in his favor, he added. "And you only get one shot at doing it. I'm way too busy to deal with you attacking me all of the time."
"That's all I'll need." Steven stated.
They shook on the deal and Lars made sure that his hand was high enough to force an oblivious Steven into tiptoeing so he could reach it. Then Steven and Connie left to clean up all the frosting and donut pieces the former had spread on his clothes during the exchange.
The first of the days passed without incident, as did the second, and it looked for all the world that it would be one of the easiest best that Lars ever won. Granted, it wouldn't be on a very long list, but whatever.
And that's when Lars saw the Box.
It was a dark red cardboard cube; just sitting in the middle of the alleyway. An alley he often passed on his way to work. It was a completely nondescript package, save for the fact it looked big enough to fit a child inside of it
Lars stared at the Box. The Box did not stare back.
And he laughed.
It was clear what was going on. Steven must've spent the last couple of days learning his movements, scoping out his daily routine. He probably thought he'd camp out here for an hour or so and jump him once he passed.
Well, Lars thought as he walked to the box, he could've picked a less obvious way to conceal himself. But then again, he smirked, he hadn't expected much from Steven in the first place.
He would've said this to the boy himself after he flipped open the box, but Steven wasn't there.
Lars' eyes darted around the alley, on the lookout for potential attackers. He even looked up, anticipating an aerial ambush, but saw nothing on the roofs.
He decided he had gotten too worked up about a box in an alley.
It was probably nothing at all.
And then he saw the same box in a different alley on his way home from work
And the next day, he saw it by a bench in the park he was taking one of his infamously long bathroom breaks in.
And a few hours later, it showed up right across the street from where he lived and was gone in the morning.
And each time he opened the box, he found it empty. And each time he looked around, he'd find no one nearby.
Sometimes, when he took his eyes off of it, the box wouldn't be there when he turned back.
On the 5th day, he finally decided to tell Sadie about it.
"Hide-and-headlock? Cool."
"It is not cool!" Lars growled. "It will never be cool and it is making me lose my mind!"
"Is it the reason you're afraid of boxes now?" she asked as she wiped the screen of their tan cash register with a damp cloth.
"I'm not afraid of boxes!" he fiercely clarified. "Just the one box."
Sadie made a 'mhmm' sound as she got a few donut holes from the display and slipped them into a takeout bag. "And you think Steven is behind this one box?"
"He's never behind it! Or on top of it or beside it or INSIDE OF IT! Never inside of it!" he ranted, frantically pacing back and forth and nearly trampling on Sadie more than once.
"Lars, you really need to calm down." Sadie said, but the warning in her concerned voice went unheard.
"How can I, Sadie? He has the advantage!" Lars clutched at his scalp. "He knows where I work, he knows where I live, he probably knows where I sleep, and there are still two day lef-!"
He suddenly felt two strong, thick arms encircle his neck.
Now Lars had spent two sleepless nights thinking about how this moment would go down.
He pictured himself accepting it with dignity and poise, befitting his inner awesomeness.
He thought he'd feel at peace that it was finally over.
He ended up screaming really, really loudly.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
"Easy! Easy! Lars, calm down. It's just me!" someone who wasn't Steven said.
"Wh-whuh?"
"You haven't lost your precious bet." Sadie assured. "Now chill. You're scaring Onion."
Still stunned and very perplexed, Lars looked over the counter and saw the short, smartly dressed, silent lad giving the entangled restaurant workers a guarded look. He backed away slowly, his fingers tight around his paper takeout bag, not once diverting his eyes from the what was in front of him until he was out the door, whereupon he ran as fast as his stubby legs could manage.
"He didn't pay for those."
"What the heck, Sadie?!" Lars demanded, uncaring of the flagrant theft that had just transpired. His coworker better have a good explanation for this! This was assault! And battery! His heart was still shuddering like a jackhammer! He'd sue if her reasons weren't any good!
She released him and slid off his back before answering, "That was to show you that getting headlocked isn't so bad. So stop worrying about Steven doing it to you."
"I'm not afraid of getting headlocked, I'm afraid of losing!" Lars stressed. "And you just proved my point. I'm way too vulnerable right now. I need eyes and ears on everything! For the next two days at least," his attentions drifted upwards to the corner of the shop's ceiling. "Maybe if I could borrow the store's security cameras..." he pondered.
"You're not taking those out of the Big Donut."
Lars groaned. "Fine!" he drew this out in the slowest and most mournful fashion he could, but Sadie wasn't budging on this front. "Then I'll just have...to…" his tired eyes lit up. "...stay in the store."
"What?"
"Lars, I'm leaving you."
"Huh, o-okay, that's good. See you tomorrow. It's almost over." Lars said in a manner that was paradoxically slurred and rushed at the same time.
Like a vocal mudslide, Sadie thought. "Think you could take a break from being crazy then? You've been awake for 33 hours."
"I must be making mad monster overtime cash. Eh, Sadie?"
"Most of that's probably gone into paying for all the coffee and donuts you've been eating to stay awake for THIRTY-THREE HOURS."
"That's right." Lars took a bite out of a day-old cruller. The glaze was matted and clung to the roof off his mouth unpleasantly. "A few more cups and donuts and I'll be in the clear."
As Sadie slipped on her coat, she thought about calling in sick the next day. Listening to Lars endlessly tapping his fingers on the counter and chattering his teeth from the pints – he was probably up to a gallon – of caffeine had gotten really old, really quick. Hopefully he'd win or lose this stupid contest before he put himself into a coma. "Say Lars, what do you get if-?"
"WHEN!"
"-when you win again? I don't think you ever told me."
Lars head lolled away from the break room television screen as he tried to recall. Steven was going to make him wear a ridiculous shirt and if – WHEN – when he lost, he'd…he'd. What was it? Music. Whatever he won was going to be music to his ears. That would mean it would have to be, "G-gold?"
Sadie doubted that, but trying to help him remember wouldn't get her out of the shop any faster. "Well if you manage to find out what it was, you can tell me in the morning."
The moment she left, Lars locked the door behind her. Then he went back to the break room and the locked the door leading into it as well.
An hour or so passed with his attentions constantly flitting between the two security feed channels. One of them showed the counter and the main restaurant while the other gave him a good view of the back of the store.
Suddenly his phone rang, causing him to yelp, flail his arms around, and almost collapse onto the wooden planks below. Once he caught his breath, he took his phone out and looked to the Caller ID. It was Sadie. Groaning, he hit the answer key and put the device to his ear, "If you forgot something, you can pick it up later. I've got the place locked up tight!"
"Oh really?" a voice challenged in a sardonic slur.
"Guh, h, Steven?" Lars gagged. "Is that you? What have you done to Sadie?"
A pleased, throaty chuckle crackled over the line, "That's very sweet of you to ask, Lars. But you should really worry more about yourself."
Lars tried to counter this with a laugh of his own, however, it was of a more nervous and desperate variety. "W-what's there to worry about? I've dodged everything you've thrown my way!"
"I haven't tried anything." Steven corrected. "Not yet. But I've still got 15 hours to do so. That's more than enough time. Who knows what'll happen?"
"I'm not afraid of you."
"I don't need your fear, Lars." Steven scoffed. "JUST…YOUR…NECK! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!"
"Hey Steven, can I have my phone back now?" Sadie asked.
The boy's cackling abruptly ceased. "Okay, just give me one more second. #Ninjasteven4ever, bye!"
Caller disconnected.
It should've rattled him. There was probably part of him that was rattled. But with practiced numbness, Lars set his phone down, picked up his bucket of coffee, and began to drink
Going in and out of consciousness, he flipped through the two channels with every shred of lucidity he had left.
For seconds, for minutes, for hours.
Until 4:49 AM, after lingering too long on some cat that was rummaging through the garbage behind the store, he saw them. Just lying there on the restaurant floor.
Dozens of dark red cardboard boxes.
Nothing mattered anymore, Lars thought to himself as he ripped open the barricade he had erected against the door; what rung through his head as he tripped over the counter and stumbled past the light red cash register.
He kicked at the cardboard cubes. He flung them at the walls. He shook and slammed them into the ground, hoping that something small, chubby, and bad at sneaking up on people would fall out of one of them, while knowing that he'd find nothing of the kind.
What a sight Lars would be to the shop's first customers: on his knees, surrounded by scattered cardboard cubes, drowsy eyes fixed at the front door he was absolutely sure was locked.
His fierce and disjointed concentration was probably why it took him a while to notice that he had received a text.
New message:
Welcome to the Jungle
And then came the arms.
In the end, it was his fault, really. If he had been standing, they'd never have gotten to him. If he hadn't been so tired, he might've been able to slip out before they closed around him.
It was all quite tragic.
And brilliant.
But he suspected that had been the point all along.
"I was the cash register this time," he could hear him say, but that part wasn't really important.
Like cosmic clockwork, light slowly crept into the disheveled store, and now, truly at peace, Lars couldn't remember a sunrise in Beach City quite as beautiful as this one.
"Liberty."
Steven was a little annoyed that Lars ended up spending 3 days of his promised week unconscious, but on the other hand, the teen didn't need to be awake to model the shirt and headband for the entire town to see.
The End
Author Note: Could Steven ever of transforming into inanimate objects? I dunno, maybe. We'll find out later, I guess. I just need him to for this story. Fun little side thing I worked on in-between chapters of "A Crystal Heart's Easy to Break, Baby." Partially done so I could write me some Connie and hijinks. Speaking of which, have some DLC that features both.
Extra Story: Otaconnie
Steven: Otaconnie, come in!
Amethyst: Who?
Steven: Give me a sec. Uh-huh, Uh-huh, got it. Yeah, Amethyst?
Amethyst: I was asking who Otaconnie was.
Steven: She's Connie's secret identity for when we're on missions. It's a combination of her regular name and this awesome culture convention she wants to go to someday.
Garnet: She isn't here though.
Steven: Yeah, she had to stay home today, so she gave me this earpiece so we could stay in touch. Wh-? Nah, they don't mind that I have to be a little loud. I'm usually this charmingly bombastic during missions.
Amethyst: There any particular reason you need that thing?
Steven: It's really neat. If I need to know something in a hurry, Connie can look it up online and tell me about it. You guys have countless years of Gem knowledge and we've got the internet. Great source of intel. Sometimes, she even plays music to help me pass the time like the Mission Impregnable theme.
Garnet: That'd explain why you were bobbing your head on and off back there.
Pearl: (thoughtfully) Mobile long range communication could make wider reconnaissance possible...
Steven: You want earpieces too? I'm sure we could find you so-yeah-sorry to have kept you waiting, Connie-I mean-Otaconnie-oh-No, I'm not sure if they've got ears. I'm thinking maybe. No worries, I'll just ask them. Yeah...yeah I guess it should've come up since I've been living with them for so long. I kinda just assumed-.
*PFFFFFFT!*
Amethyst: Gah, Steven! Man, that was foul! It smells like-yow-I don't think Otaconnie is gonna want her earpiece back.
Steven: That wasn't me! I didn't do that! And it wasn't even-Amethyst just-!
Garnet: Pee-ew.
Steven: Nooooo! That's not what happened at all! Huh, you're laughing. Wait, is that an "I believe you" laugh or an "I believe them" laugh?
(Pear stifles a slight giggle, despite herself)
Extra Story 2: Otaconnie Junior
Amethyst: I'm not going in there.
Pearl: Amethyst, stop dragging your heels.
Amethyst: (mumbles) Ugh, even when you're bite-sized, you're loud.
Pearl: And I can hear well, too! Like it or not, we're the only ones that can get small enough to enter this hole. So shrink down and follow me.
Amethyst: But it'll take forever to get there. We'll be walking and stumbling for-Garnet, how long did your senses say it would be?
Garnet: About half-a-mile.
Amethyst: See? It's going to take forever to get there when we're tiny. Can't we just go home and make really long stick so we don't have to trek through the dullest tunnel ever? Or maybe we can just get Steven to do it!
Steven: I didn't fit the last time we tried.
Amethyst: No worries, we'll just grease you up a little.
Pearl: Amethyst, we are not greasing up Steve-
*FLASH*
Steven: Lion! You made it after all! But where's Connie? I asked you to pick her up.
(Lion starts to wretch)
Steven: Lion! What's wrong!
Garnet: I think there's something in his throat.
Amethyst: Maybe it's a long stick...or Connie.
(Lion coughs it up)
Pearl: Is that a little truck?
Amethyst: Well it'd be a regular sized one for you right now.
Pearl: Oh-ha-ha.
Garnet: Why's there a camera and walky-talky attached to it?
Truck: Gzzt-hello? Gzzt-teven, you there?
Steven: Connie? Is that you?
Connie: Oh, we aren't doing the codename thing anymore?
Steven: Whoops, sorry Otaconnie, my bad. Why are you a truck right now?
Connie: I sprained my ankle during Tennis practice today, so I couldn't come with Lion when he came to pick me up. But I had this old science project of mine lying around so I could still sorta tag along; Long range remote control monster truck. It won 3rd place.
Steven: That is so cool.
Connie: It's even got a camera and two-way radio so I can see and talk to you guys.
Steven: That makes it even cooler!
Garnet: Hmm, sturdy, all-terrain wheels, two-seater. (Does the box measurement motion with her hands) Adequate size. Otaconnie?
Connie: Yes, Garnet?
Garnet: Would you mind giving Pearl and Amethyst a ride?
Pearl: What?!
Garnet: You'd be fine, plenty of leg room. Otaconnie?
Connie: Well I'd love to help, but there's a bit of a delay in the signal, so I can't do anything too complex with the truck.
Garnet: Don't worry. It's just a straight line
Connie: I guess I can manage that.
Garnet: Fantastic. Pearl?
Pearl: (uneasy) It's covered in Lion's slobber
Steven: Amethyst seems cool with it
Amethyst: (having shrunk down and gotten in the driver's seat while no one was looking) WOOOOOH! Road Trip!
Pearl: And there's a little ribcage on the hood.
(Garnet nonchalantly wipes the bones away with her finger)
(Pearl sighs and rides shotgun; Amethyst is busy playing with the bogus steering wheel)
Connie: I'd tell you guys to buckle up, but this didn't come with any seatbelts
Pearl: Does it have any tissues or towels or something to help with the stench at least?
Connie: It's got a small, pine tree air freshener...but it's fake
(Pearl sighs again and proceeds to busy herself by adjusting the useless side and rear view mirrors)
Amethyst: Let's do this! Full speed ahead! Ow! Watch it! Get us through hole Otaconnie, not the wall!
Connie: Sorry!
(They drive off into the darkness with only the truck's headlights and the glow of their Gems to guide them)
Steven: God speed, Otaconnie. God speed and handling
(Garnet salutes)