A/N: From this prompt on the Kink Meme:

Immediately following Mycroft's first visit to Scotland Yard

DONOVAN: ...Sir, no!
LESTRADE: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.

Crack ahead!

As the retreating form of Mycroft Holmes began to disappear down the corridor, Sally turned to see her superior watching the man leave with a lick of his lips and a few approving nods. "Sir, no!"

Greg flicked his gaze across at the woman. "Our babies will be smart and beautiful"

"That's the freak's brother!" she cried in outrage.

"And I bet he's super freaky in bed. If you get what I mean" he added with a lewd brow raise, brown eyes gleaming with mirth.

Sally did her best to get her point across as she tried to ignore her boss's insinuations. "He's strange. Way too posh, incredibly arrogant and looks like he could get anyone assassinated with a click of his fingers. I'd stay very far away from…" she realised she didn't know his name "that Holmes".

At this the DI removed the business card he'd been left with moments earlier and read it out. "Says here that he's called 'Mycroft'. Well, after this weekend I think I'll be writing the book 'Mycroft, My Crotch'. Heh".

The look of disgust on the woman's face would have had most professional people apologising in fear of a Human Resouces crucifixion. Instead Lestrade clarified with some very instructive hand gestures incase his comment hadn't been clear enough. Anderson watched on, mouth slack with arousal, today was his lucky day.

"But you're right" Greg continued once finished and Sally seemed to look relieved at the words. "That is no way to speak about the future father of my kids"

"You're actually being serious?"

"Of course I am! Did you see those thighs? Made for wrapping around your back, or neck or maybe the posts on his bed depending on where I want him"

"Oh God" Donovan groaned, shaking her head and staring at the ground.

"How do you think I can let him know I'm interested? What's that thing kids do these days with the picture messages?"

"Ok, I know you're recently single for the first time in a couple of decades but you need to slow down. Sir, you know I respect you but I think the excitement of the possibility of dating again has gone to your head. Those comments just aren't you"

"Sure they are, I can be super suave when I want to be" the words sounded forced and foreign from his lips despite his best attempts.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but just play it cool. Cut out the sexual remarks and ask him out for coffee"

At this Lestrade showed his first sign of hesitation. "But what if he says no? That would be awkward next time we need to have a chat about Sherlock"

"Trust me, better to be turned down for a café trip than for half the things that have been coming out of your mouth for the last few minutes. But anyway, come on, we shouldn't keep that waiting any longer or he'll destroy your desk".

At this they took the two steps into Greg's office to see an extremely pale Sherlock looking like he'd just seen Anderson attempting a 'helicopter' move with his genitals.

"Sherlock?" the DI asked with concern, but the man took a step back shaking and looking as though Lestrade was a zombie who'd come to tear him apart.

Greg was confused but Sally seemed to get it instantly. "I take it you heard that?"

"Every word" the newly appointed consultant replied in a hoarse whisper. He wouldn't take his impossibly wide eyes off Greg, as though if he did he would be infected with whatever caused the man to act this way.

"Just ignore all of that" Greg replied with a dismissive wave of his hand and sat at his desk. A few moments later Sherlock began to pace while he tried to calm himself with deep breaths. He'd tried for so long to get this work with the police, he couldn't back down now.

Lestrade realised that Sally was right. He should just play it cool, not try to be anything he isn't and as boring as it was ask the man out for coffee. At this his phone chimed and he opened the text that had just come through.

Tell me more about this book you wish to write, Inspector. Very interesting title, although I am biased. 8pm Sat, car will be waiting. Underwear optional.
MH

Greg grinned to himself. This was going to be a very good weekend.

In front of his desk was the loud thump of a consulting detective fainting.