Mysterion and the TP bandit
Mysterion could see his signal in the sky. It felt good to be wanted. It felt even better to have no fear as he ran across the city's roof tops, knowing that death could take him at any moment. His alter ego Kenny McCormick might have feared death. Been terrified of the pain, but Mysterion was better than that. Mysterion could see the signal was coming from the police station. He climbed down the street and ran up to the building and began to climb. Okay now my arms are stating to hurt, he thought as he clambered up the side of the building. At the top by the spotlight stood Sargent Yates, sipping from a coffee mug. "Good to see you Mysterion", said the cop.
"What do you need", Mysterion said in his usual gruff voice. "You know I don't like vigilantes", said the Sargent, "they don't do things by the book." "But I've got nobody to turn to on this one." "What is it?", Mysterion asked. "Their's somebody out their. He's", Yates broke into tears, "He's TPing our houses." Yates wiped the tears from his eyes, "some of our boys houses anyways. Barbrady,and detective Mitch were already hit. He sent a note saying that if the rest of the cops didn't leave him alone he'd hit our houses too."
"So your what, your not going to do your job?", Mysterion asked, his voice filled with contempt. "Listen I've got a wife okay. The rest of the boys have people they care about too. We can't risk crossing this guy." Mysterion was not impressed. To be honest his alter ego Kenny had done some TPing himself, though he had come clean in the end. Mysterion would never approve of such lawlessness though. But he also hated whiney cops who wouldn't do their dam jobs. "Screw you guys I'm going home", if Douchbag could steal Cartman's slogan than so could he. "But what are we going to do?", officer Yates said, pleadingly. "Your dam jobs", replied Mysterion, turning his back on the officer. "He's after us all", warned Yates. "One day you'll wake up and he'll TP someplace you care about. And then you'll understand." Mysterion didn't respond. And all Sargent Yates could do was watch as he ran off into the night. He chuckled at the cops plea. Nobody TP'd poor people's homes, that was just giving them free toilet paper. It was late. He should be getting home.
The hot Hawaiian sun shown down on Kenny as he lounged beside his pool. Tammy and Kelly had their arms around him. They were both older than when he last saw them. "Now how did I get lucky enough to get two hot girlfriends like you guys?" asked Kenny. "Luck had nothing to do with it", Kelly said, nuzzling against Kenny's distinctive orange parka. "Forget that stuff Ken", Tammy said, let's have some fun. "Like what?", asked Kelly. "Like this", said Tammy, and they started lezzing out. It was really hot. He had everything. And yet he wasn't happy. "I've got something to tell you", Kenny said sheepishly. "I can't die. Well I can. But not really. I die all the time. I've been to both heaven and hell. And no matter what I do it keeps happening." He began to cry. "And no matter what I say nobody believes me." He was sobbing like a little kid now. He tired to reach out to them for a hug but they just pulled away. "Get away from us you perverted little freak.", they said in unison. "But I", Kenny couldn't think of anything else to do but cry. "Your just a pathetic poor, perverted little hellspawn who can't even die right.", said Kelly. His eyes were blinded by tears. He didn't even see the Phonics Monkey coming for him. The monkey hit him again and again. And tossed him against the wall. Kenny screamed as he was flung towards his doom.
Kenny woke up sprawled on the floor. He must have fallen out of bed. His head hurt. "What the hell man?", it was Kevin, he was pissed. I must have woken him up, Kenny thought. "Just a bad dream." "You always wake up screaming when one of us is sharing a room with you. It's why you always get your own place. Neat set up you got their Kenny", his brother said bitterly. "It happens all the time you just don't hear it." Kenny said. "Yeah and I'm Cthulhu's half brother." Kevin had no idea how close to reality that was. "Look I'm going to go watch TV. You can go back to sleep.", Kenny said to his brother, trying to ease the tension. Kevin waved a dismissive hand at his younger brother, "I don't need this shit.", Kevin said. "Me ether", Kenny mumbled as he left the room.
Kenny grabbed a Snickers Bar for his breakfast and tiptoed to the TV, carefully not to wake up his parents, sister, or god forbid, Kevin again. He sat down on the couch, grabbed the remote, and turned on the family's ancient shitty TV. It was the news. Kenny was about to change the channel when he saw the reporter was standing with a Nascar track in the background. And the track was, no, no it was impossible. He turned up the volume. "Tom I'm standing here at South Park Nascar track which appears to have been toilet papered." No. It couldn't be. But it was. The cops warning had come true. He hadn't even cared. He hadn't even tried to stop it, yet that sick fuck had TP'd something he cared about. "That mother fucker.", Kenny said, clenching his fists. If their had been a camera their the shot would have been pretty epic.