Author's Note: This Story has been something I couldn't help but write. Writing Fan Fiction is interesting because it allows me to play with the rules of a world I don't have a chance to. The World of Persona has always been interesting just because of the concept. That our emotional and mental states could be a source of power. The power of Persona, and the way it manifests is different for every game. The first two the awakening itself was less important than when they receive their Ultimate Persona. More true for Persona 2 in both Innocent Sin and Eternal Punishment. Persona 3 was linked heavily to death, as was their awakening to their Ultimate Persona, when they resolved to face death head on. Persona 4 was all about identity, and being proud of who you are, and the confidence to move forward, regardless of what others say. Persona 5 is somewhat in the same vein, discarding what people expect you to be and being true to who you really are. Giving yourself the power to fight against those expectations and carve your own path.
Well, that is my interpretation of it, and I'm sure the series hits differently for lots of people. So when I created Last Symphony, I wanted to hit harder subjects that didn't get addressed in Persona 4. Abuse, depression, and someone that may not want the help that the Persona 4 crew always went out of their way to give. How hard would it be for them if someone was so much harder to save? Ikakure Kayane was the culmination of that, and his past a rough one to write. Just when he believes he is finally moving forward, he takes a few steps back. Depression just doesn't go away. There is no simple way to handle it.
However this story is a bit different. Here there are no Personas. No other worldly power at their disposal. No way to directly face their Shadows and be forced to overcome them. This story exists because I wanted to know... Could Kujikawa Rise still be able to Ikakure Kayane in a place where Persona, the TV world and all of that didn't exist?
I would somewhat recommend reading the first ten chapters of my full story Last Symphony to fully know what changes in this story, but I'm also hoping that this one can stand on its own. I hope you enjoy it! And thanks for taking the time to read! Also it was rather hastily made so likely a few grammar mistakes and mistaken words here or there. Also this is just Part 1 of 4 parts and will be coming up the next three days, with the last part coming out Christmas Day! So look forward to it!
Another time, another world. A place where events didn't go quite the same, a world where Shadows and Persona does not exist. Yet fate entangles us together, one way or another.
December 12th, 2011 / Early Morning
Yasogami High School
Mondays were a loathsome day. It marked the beginning of yet another week of my pointless existence. Fortunately I would only have to deal with High School for a few more months. After that I could easily disappear from the eyes of society, and no longer be a burden to my Mother. I walked up to the school, only being somewhat aware of my surroundings as I slipped by a group of first years and to my shoe locker. I pushed back a strand of my black hair from my eyes. My hair had probably gotten too long now. It was still about medium length but I should probably get it cut. It's really annoying when my bangs keep getting in the way.
"Hey Risette just showed up on campus," a couple of guys were talking nearby. Of course I knew that name, she was an Idol that had been number one for a while, until she up and quit. Well I hadn't paid too much attention to that whole story. I really enjoyed her music but I'm sure being an Idol was tiring work. I know I wouldn't be able to handle anything like that.
Much to my Mother's disappointment. My Mother was a well respected producer in the industry, so I actually had all of Rise's music for a few reasons. Including tracks that were never released. It's weird that for the last few months she went to the school but I had never really seen her. I guess I had just missed my chances. She had been in the pageant during the culture festival. I hadn't really stuck around for the culture festival. I had done a little bit as I was required, but third years like myself are exempt of having to do anything for the festival. Well we had exams and futures to worry about.
The future...just what was there to even do beyond school?
"Dude, did you hear? I heard Risette is going to make a return to the Idol industry next spring," another guy spoke. They were way too loud in the morning and who even cares about those kinds of rumors. Risette was a singer, she would have returned in some capacity eventually. And if I remember correctly she only said she was taking a break.
"Really? Man, does that mean she is going to leave school again? Makes you wonder why she took a break in this first place. Kind of a waste if you ask me. Now that Kanamin Kitchen group has essentially become the most popular group, and Kanami has become the top Idol," their conversation was starting to get on my nerves.
I quickly pulled out my shoes and switched them, placing the shoes I had on in my locker before placing the others on my feet. I moved past the noisy crowds and made my way up to the third floor where my classroom was. The stairs weren't hard to navigate, but students were getting in the way and causing me to have to zigzag around them. I finally made my way passed a group of students and onto the second floor. Even more people standing around and...wait the staircase was blocked.
"What is this? How are we supposed to get to class if the stairs are closed off," it was one of my classmates. I think her name was Ichide? Yeah, that seemed right. Ichide Tsubasa was her full name. And the one next to her was someone who was always close to her. Her name was Mitsuragi Saya. It was hard to not remember their names when I had been in the same class as them since I arrived in Inaba years ago. But their names and appearances was about all I remembered of them.
"Um, I saw Sofue-sensei going up. Maybe she is going to find out how long it will be?" Saya told her friend.
I moved to the side of the hall, trying to get a bit of room from the mass of people. Today seemed like it was going to be a pain. I leaned up against the wall as the roar of the crowd seemed to get a bit louder. I sighed and pulled my earphones out from the inside pocket of my jacket and put them in my ears. I reached into my pocket and switched the mp3 player I had on. The volume was just loud enough for me to hear. I closed my eyes so that maybe I could retreat to some form of solitude despite the mass of students around me.
The song switched. I guess it was somewhat appropriate considering the conversation I heard earlier. This song was easily my favorite. If there was anything that had made me almost give a damn about my life it had been when I first heard this song. That was why I played the piano and wrote songs when I was at home. I didn't really have a desire for anyone to hear it...it was just a comforting activity in a mess of things that I got no pleasure from.
"So what really happened up there?"
I felt a twinge of irritation as it seemed like my music wasn't going to be enough to completely drown out the ones around me. So I turned up the volume a bit.
"I heard it got really cold last night and part of the pipes froze. So one of the water lines broke in the third floor bathroom. Must be a real mess up there, so likely the third years are going to be waiting a while," it was another voice. This group of individuals had moved rather close to me. I kept my eyes closed. Hopefully if I just ignore them they'll go away.
"Where'd ya hear that?" a notably younger yet rough voice spoke.
"Well the Music Club President told me about it. Apparently he was here early when it happened. He was practicing in his classroom when the pipe bursted," another guy spoke up.
The Music Club President was in my class, a third year by the name Watanabe Ichiro. Well, he was supposed to hand it over to a 2nd year, but he was obstinate and was refusing to do so until after his Christmas concert he wanted to pull off. Useless in my opinion. Wasn't really anyone of significant talent to pull off a concert like he had been so talkative about in class. Not unless he did some major convincing of the known talent around the school. Namely Kujikawa Rise, also known as Risette. The now retired Idol that went to our school, and consequently whose music I was currently listening to.
"Oh right, Watanabe-senpai, right? He even asked me to sing at the concert. I told him I would think about it, but I don't really know what I should say. It's the 17th already so cramming rehearsals up to the performance probably wouldn't be that fun," that voice sounded familiar. And why wouldn't it? I was listening to her sing at this exact moment. The last thing I need to do was pay attention to her so I turned my music up a bit more. But her voice still managed to make it through to my ears. "I mean if we had a bit more time...I...huh?"
"Something wrong, Kujikawa?" another voice asked. I was stubbornly trying to turn away and kept my eyes closed but I had a bad feeling about it.
"Senpai, what are you listening to?" this was directed solely at me. I knew because her voice was right in front of me. I did my best not to move. I wanted to ignore her but I unintentionally acknowledged that I heard her by moving my head. My eyes were still closed though.
"Hey, Rise-chan, aren't you getting too close to him?" a girl calls out.
"Senpai," Rise spoke this time in a more enticing manner, making it hard for me to ignore her. I don't know if it was the tone of her voice but it made me react. Not exactly in the greatest of ways.
I tensed up and slowly opened my eyes, finding myself looking into the eyes of Risette, the idol. An individual that had been around Inaba for a while now. A small no name town like this was hardly a place for a star like her and even less so, had no reason to ever talk to me. She had friends, people that cared about her. She didn't need the attention or words from an older and equally worthless individual like me. I had no friends, just a loser that enjoyed to listen to music. It should hardly matter that my songs of choice happen to be sung by this stunningly beautiful young woman in front of me.
"Why would you want to know what I listen to?" I could feel my hands shaking from their place in my pocket and I couldn't hold her gaze for long before I looked away from her. My words had come out harsher than I intended, but the meaning was the same. I didn't matter, she had no reason to talk to me and I didn't want her to.
"It's 'Star Bright' isn't it?" She asked. I had likely turned my music up far louder than I had intended so I quickly turned my music off.
"It is. Are we done now?" I glare at her in a hope to get her to move. My voice sharp and an edge that made it clear that I didn't want to talk to her.
"How? How do you have that song?" She boldly faces my glare head on and challenged it with her own. I look away once more. How am I supposed to deal with those soft brown eyes that made me feel like she actually wanted to talk to me. Her curiosity is something that does make sense. But I was being obstinate and more than that, my anxiety was getting the best of me and I really wanted to get away from her. My heart was pumping faster, and not because she was a gorgeous young woman that I wish I could stare at and admire for hours on end… No, my heart was pumping faster because I wanted to run away, and the closer she got the more it felt like I was suffocating.
"Whoa, Kujikawa! What's wrong?" An individual with a blue hat pulled her away from me.
I was able to breath again, so I took a moment to get a deep breath to calm myself. Having someone so close and look so intently at me had shaken me up horribly. It had been so long since I had an anxiety attack. But now I was dangerously close to having a break down. Likely because it been so long since anyone had given me such attention or been so persistent in speaking to me.
And it seemed that Risette wasn't going to let up.
"That song was my audition track. It was never released to the public, and only a handful of people even know that song exists. I have to know, Senpai. How do you have that?" She asked me as she stepped towards me once more. My heart had only been given a brief reprieve before it started to pump faster than before. Before I could answer she stepped forward and this time began to reach out towards me with her hand.
I reacted reflexively and attempted to get away. But I was already against the wall, there wasn't anywhere to go. So I stumbled towards my right but my footing slipped. I began to fall backwards. The reason being, there was nothing there. Had I been that close to the stairs? My eyes widened as I realized quickly what was happening. I had lost track of where I had been. Now, I was falling down the stairs.
"Senpai!" Rise called out to me but it was a pointless gesture at this point.
Anxiety gripped my heart like a harsh grip on a water balloon, with it close to bursting. None of that mattered, as the next moment my head slammed against either part of the stairs or the ground but I didn't know as my world was consumed by darkness.
December 12th, 2011 / Morning
Infirmary
RISE'S POINT OF VIEW
What have I done? How could I have been so selfish? It was all my fault. All I could do is replay what had happened over and over in my head...
"Rise, get a hold of yourself!" Shirogane Naoto moved passed me. All I could do was stand there and look at my Senpai that had fallen down the stairs. It's all my fault.
"Forget that for now," Narukami Yu was rushing down the stairs to where the older student had landed. The unspoken leader of our group of friends began to make rapid decisions and telling the others what to do. "Yosuke, go to the staff room and get a teacher. Chie-san, head to the Infirmary and let the school nurse know. Yukiko, give me a hand."
"On it, partner," Hanamura Yosuke ran off with Satonaka Chie not too far behind him. I stood at the top of the stairs, not moving.
This is my fault. He's hurt because of me.
"Be careful with his head," Yukiko put her arms out and helped Yu move the older student to a more comfortable position. "Do you think he'll be alright?"
"It seemed to me he was having some sort of reaction," Naoto spoke softly from next to me. I think she might have put a hand on my shoulder, but it didn't register to me. "I don't know why but there is something else wrong here."
Something else? No, it was because I was so pushy and got too close to him. It caught him off guard and because of that... he fell. This was my fault. No amount of posturing or excuses would change that I was the cause of his fall. Nothing.
I shouldn't be here, but I couldn't be anywhere else. I had to know he was okay. I needed to make it up to him somehow. I had no idea where to even begin. He was resting in the infirmary bed. Why hadn't medics shown up yet? Did it really take this long for them to get here because we were outside the city? The local doctor had been called and should be here soon. Or so I was told.
When we had moved him here I had helped slip off his jacket and then watched as the school nurse bandaged him with the help of Narukami Yu and Amagi Yukiko assisting her. All I could do was watch. The nurse had initially checked him out and said that it likely looked a lot worse than it had actually been. He most definitely had a concussion, and all his vitals seemed good, but it was concerning that he had been unconscious for so long. It wasn't a good sign. I knew that much.
I was clutching onto his jacket as I was sitting next to the infirmary bed. Something fell to the ground when I had shifted the jacket. I looked to the ground and noticed that his mp3 player had dropped out of the jacket pocket. I picked it up just as a reaction. It was an older model, one that displayed clearly just how used it was. Minor scratches here and there and decals worn and almost ineligible to read. I couldn't stop myself and looked at his track library stored on the device. My eyes widened as I scrolled through.
My albums...all of them were here. Not only that, but songs from soundtracks, movies and animes I had sang for. Then I saw not just Star Bright, a song that was my original audition track but many more tracks that he shouldn't possibly have. Demo tracks...and songs that were never released, mostly because they were songs often cut due to not fitting with the rest of the songs on an album. The songs were often written by well known songwriters but honestly I wanted to do something that used more my own voice. It is part of the reason the song Star Bright meant alot to me. A part of its lyrics were created by me. Not all of it, but the chorus was mostly what I had written. Although it was all changed slightly because I had no experience in writing songs...or performing at the time. It didn't change that Star Bright had a special place in my heart.
So... was he connected to the music industry? He had to be right? He couldn't be just a crazed fan of mine. The facts didn't lend itself to that kind of conclusion. I imagine our first meeting would have gone a lot differently if he had been. Plus, I'm positive he would have sought me out when I had arrived in Inaba. But, Naoto pointed out that he had some sort of reaction before he fell. Maybe he was a fan... but couldn't get close due to some medical thing? Anxiety or something similar to it? I guess only speaking to him would get me any real answers.
His name, according to the nurse, is Ikakure Kayane. A third year at our school that was only about three months away from graduation. I never interacted with any third years, other than the occasional senior that would ask for an autograph or something similar to that. It wasn't like I had much reason to do so before. Even with what had happened today, it had all happened by chance.
For now he looked peaceful resting on the infirmary bed. I took a moment to carefully observe him. He had black hair that was medium in length but somewhat messy in appearance. Seemed like his hair had a mind of its own. It must be hell to deal with in the mornings. That was more based on my memory as his head was bandaged covering most of his hair now. He also seemed to have some minor cuts on his head. There had initially been a good amount of blood, but the nurse assured me it only looked to be bad as head injuries tend to have a lot of blood. I still tried not to think about that image too much, since he was now cleaned up.
There was another aspect of him though that had left an impression on me. His eyes. They were a sparkling blue. Blue eyes were rare in Japanese people. Especially since it often indicated that there was a foreigner in your family line. That isn't what left an impression on me. No it was the fact that his blue eyes looked as if they were crystal. They were vivid and stood out like a lone light in the darkest night. A harsh blue in the middle of a dark winter night. As if his eyes contained the bite and chill of a winter storm. The coldness of his eyes matched his expression in our brief exchange before he had fallen. The message his eyes gave were very clear. Get Away From Me. I had stubbornly pressed on, wanting to know how he had my audition song. And because, something in my heart compelled me to him. There was just no way I could just let him go.
It had been such an unfamiliar feeling for me to have. When had I ever been so compelled or pulled to an individual? Thinking of all I had done in my life, I could make no comparisons. But after what had happened… would I ever be allowed to get close to him? Especially when he already made it clear he wanted me to stay away...
The door to the Infirmary opened, tearing me away from my thoughts. An older woman stepped in and softly closed the door behind her. I looked up at her for a moment as I felt a sense of familiarity to her. But I couldn't place exactly where I had seen her.
"Oh, this is a surprise. I didn't expect to see you doting over my son," she smiled as she approached the other side of the bed and looked down at Kayane. I'm not surprised she knew me, a lot of people did.
"It's my fault. I didn't realize just how...he disliked people approaching him," I looked to the ground, feeling I needed to humble myself more to his Mother. And more than that, I still felt a heavy guilt for what had happened to the Senior that was laying down on the infirmary bed.
"Don't blame yourself, Rise-chan," his Mother said in a soothing tone. I was surprised when she didn't call me Risette as most adults did. The next question threw me off even more than the use of my name, "Do you remember who I am?"
"Who you are?" I repeated as I looked up to her. Her outfit was essentially business casual in appearance. A businesswoman? Had I known her in the past through the agency? The way she had phrased the question indicated that I did have some sort of past dealing with her. Ultimately I shook my head, "I'm sorry, I can't say that I do."
"I would be surprised if you did. It was an unfair question," the woman chuckled. "I'm Tsukio Nanase. I'm Kay-chan's adopted Mother."
The name immediately rang bells in my head. "Tsukio Nanase? No way! It's because of you and your review that I even got a chance to become an Idol! I didn't know you lived in Inaba." That explained how Ikakure Kayane had the song Star Bright. It explained how he had every song that he should not be able to obtain in a normal way. I clamped my hands over my mouth, "Sorry. I didn't mean to be so loud."
If he was the adopted son of Tsukio Nanase then… of all things he could be listening to… Why would he listen to my music? This single thought sobered me as my eyes moved to the third year unconscious on the bed. He had to have a massive amount of selection of music… so...Why?
Nanase who didn't notice my current shift in thoughts seemed amused by my initial reaction to who she was. "Well, you're half right. Your producers wanted another opinion before they committed to you, so they commissioned me to give my opinion. Honestly, when I agreed to do contract work for them I didn't think they would push decisions like that to me. However, the majority of what is in that review I supplied wasn't written by me. I originally intended to write it all myself, of course. But to get another opinion I let Kay-chan listen." Nanase reached down and cupped her son's cheek. Her eyes growing softer.
Huh? What was she saying?
"Your voice alone broke through to him in a way that years of therapy never had. For the first time I saw more emotion in his eyes than I had for years. I told him to write everything he felt and thought when he heard you sing and give it to me. Well, I may have edited and added more to make it an official review," Nanase looked back to me and held a soft smile on her face. My mind was busy processing what she had just said.
"Ikakure-senpai wrote it?" I was having a hard time registering the thought, as a result my words came out more as a whisper. It was so much more than I could have imagined. He didn't just have my music as some sort of die hard fan or because of his adopted Mother being a part of the music industry. He had known me before the rest of the world. One of the first people to ever hear me sing before I was known as Risette. He was the reason I was an idol. Did… my music mean something more to him than others? I was still left with another question.
Why hadn't he sought me out if he liked my music? There had to be a reason right? Something beyond just a medical reason… That had to be it. I had understood absolutely nothing about Ikakure Kayane. And what had I done?
"I was selfish," I spoke just loud enough for Nanase to hear me. "I thought that he had gotten my song, Star Bright, by some sort of leak or something. I didn't even realize how he was reacting to my proximity to him. I treated him just like I did everyone else. I was surprised how he acted. All I could do is stand there when he had fell."
"Don't blame yourself for what happened. And even if Kay-chan may not say it, he wouldn't blame you for what happened either. He has his reasons. Saying he had a rough childhood would be putting it lightly," she spoke softly. Nanase's eyes were distant and I could tell held a sadness in them. One that I could scarcely begin to relate or understand. Then she shook off that expression and smiled softly turning to me, "Now, Rise-chan, I must ask you to head to your class. Even after he wakes up, he won't be in any condition to talk to. I'm afraid he would likely tell you to leave anyway. Plus the doctor should be arriving any minute to give a full exam."
She was probably right. However, something in my head made me want to stubbornly stay at his side. I unconsciously clutched his school jacket close to myself, "I want to apologize to him."
Nanase looked at me, as if searching my expression for an answer to an unasked question, "Is that right? Well, if you're determined then why don't you come over for dinner tonight?" the question she posed made my thoughts halt.
"Dinner? Are you sure?" I had no idea what to say. At the very least I should be able to apologize to him and have time to maybe have a real talk with him. But everything Nanase had said had only left me with more questions about Ikakure Kayane.
"Positive," Nanase nodded and then moved around the infirmary bed to me as she pulled out her cell phone, "Let me get your contact information and I'll send you the address for you to come to. It'll be a six o'clock, does that work for you?"
I got to my feet as I pulled out my phone and we exchanged contact information. I was still clutching on to Kayane's school jacket. "I'll be there at six then," I said as I relinquished his jacket to her.
"Great, it would be a nice change to have a guest over for dinner," Nanase smiled as she took his jacket and then moved back to Kayane's side again. "This might be a selfish request on my part. But if you could have a greater effect on him than your song then...maybe..." Her voice quieted down to nothing.
What did she mean by that? Just who was Ikakure Kayane? I stepped away, looking at the scene of a Mother overlooking her Son. And as I left the room I had completely forgotten that tucked inside my hand was his MP3 player, and filled with my own music.
December 12th, 2011 / Lunch Time
Yasogami High Rooftop
RISE'S POINT OF VIEW
"His Mom invited me over for dinner tonight," I sat down next to Naoto on the roof. My emotions were all over the place at this point. "I mean, what am I supposed to do? All this time I thought I owed my big break to Tsukio Nanase, not her adopted son. And I don't think Ikakure-senpai even wants to see me, much less talk to me or sit down at the same table with me."
I was going in circles but I had also realized during class that I had his MP3 player. No matter what I did my thoughts were consumed by images of Ikakure Kayane. Mostly him falling down the stairs and the immense guilt I still felt from the morning's incident.
"You worry too much. I mean he was listening to your music he shouldn't even have right? What fan wouldn't want to sit down and have dinner with the singer they like?" Yosuke waved it off like it was no big deal, but was quickly elbowed by Chie who was next to him. "Ow! What's the big idea?!"
"You idiot," Chie glared at him. I appreciated the gesture.
"You're missing the facts here, Yosuke-senpai. He's had plenty of chances to seek her out and talk to her since she came to Inaba. But he never did. She was on the news and there was quite a stir here in town when it happened. There is no way he wasn't aware of her presence in Inaba, and yet in that time he has never sought her out in any way. Judging by what happened this morning... I would say he suffers from a form of social anxiety," Naoto spoke with some speculation. "You said his name was Ikakure Kayane?"
I nodded, "Yeah. I guess he retained his own family name even though he was adopted by Tsukio-san." That seemed to be a mystery in itself. There was too much I didn't know about him. And I wanted to know.
"I feel like I have heard his name before. I certainly remember the name Tsukio Nanase," Naoto seemed thoughtful. Well, she was a detective. I guess it made sense she would be curious.
"Well that aside, I'm surprised you are still in town, Naoto-chan. Didn't you get called into Tokyo for a case?" I decided to change the subject. I didn't need to burden them over my own problems. I shouldn't just gossip about Ikakure Kayane behind his back. Especially when I feel like my interactions with him wouldn't amount to more than just today. Regardless of my own feelings on the matter.
"Ah, I was requested but I declined due to a request from Detective Dojima. He wanted to double check my own observations on the case about Mitsuo Kubo," Naoto said this and the others and myself all stiffened at the mention of the name.
"So...was it really suicide?" Kanji asked without much tact.
Naoto nodded, "After investigating his household there was too much evidence to ignore. While it was suicide, his parents are being brought up on charges of child negligence and a few other things as well. He was a teenager around our age but the more we dug, the more we realized that his upbringing was squarely the reason. In addition, his home room teacher at his school is also being investigated for not reporting him to proper channels for antisocial behavior and other signs he was likely exhibiting. It's hard to blame any one person for something like this. But the exposure to his suicide and consequent investigation into his motivations for suicide has caused an uproar. That's why I was asked to focus on this investigation over the one in the city."
"I wish I made the connection...maybe I could have done something to help him," Yukiko hung her head. This always happened when the topic came to Mitsuo.
"You were already dating Yu-kun at the time when he approached you," Chie put a hand on Yukiko's shoulder. "How could any of us know? And it's hard to know there was anything wrong with him when he didn't go to our school. He did in middle school, which I guess is how he knew Yukiko."
"It's hard to know one way or the other if he could have been helped. Even if you had gone out with him when he asked, you don't know what might have happened. Even with how you are, Yukiko. There isn't any way we could know what effect we could have had," Yu put his arm around Yukiko's waist.
"You saved me, Yu. I was just thinking that even if it was a small possibility, it would be better than him dying, right?" Yukiko spoke softly.
"I don't get it, what could drive someone to commit suicide?" Kanji shook his head.
"More reasons than you can imagine," Naoto shook her head. "However, sometimes the deepest scars a person has is not something you can see. Even with all the efforts done to try and help people and prevent them from committing suicide, it doesn't mean it always works. Often times a combination of psychological trauma and real life situations can pile up more and more until it pushes your emotions to the brink. And with no one to support you, it can take you to an even darker place where death seems like more than just a valid option. I shouldn't delve too deep into the specifics of the trial. In any case, I'll be in town for the foreseeable future."
"It must be hard, working on something like that," I give her a smile trying to ease the tension I might have unknowingly caused.
"I try not to focus on it. As disheartening as it is, the truth deserves to be known, so that maybe in some way it will prevent the same from happening to someone else in the future," Naoto shook her head. "Which is also why you should be careful, Rise-san. If you are just going to apologize to Ikakure-senpai then that is one thing. But if you delve deeper and try to figure out why he reacted the way he did, you may find out something that could be hard to accept." The sudden shift in attention back to my original subject caught me off guard.
The bell rang for lunch to end. I looked at my lap for a moment as Naoto's words settled in my mind. Did I want to know more about Ikakure Kayane? I owed him an apology for sure...but anything more than that and I could just be overstepping my bounds. It was my mistake that he got hurt...would it really be so bad to get to know him?
Naoto's words made sense. I should be careful. However, there was a compulsion in me that I could feel there. I wanted to know him. Ikakure Kayane… he was the one responsible for my Idol career taking off. How could I not want to know more about him? But what would I find? There was no way to tell how me crossing paths with Kayane would change my life.
December 12th, 2011 / After School
Kayane's House
"You want to run that by me again?" I raised an eyebrow after Mom informed me of the special guest we would be having. Not that I had room to argue the point now but I didn't have to be happy with it.
"You aren't hard of hearing, Kay-chan. Rise-chan will be here in about an hour and a half. I already picked up the ingredients so we're going to have curry," My Mom declared proudly. "And don't worry I will be making a batch that is spicy for you, okay?"
I rubbed my head for a moment and sighed. I had finally been able to remove the bandage from my head as the cut had finally closed up. Head injuries were always tricky. Cuts on the head tend to bleed more so it could be deceptive on how bad an injury really was. And just to be sure my Mother had taken me to the hospital after the local doctor had checked on me in the school infirmary. To my surprise, everything apparently looked okay. A slight concussion and a bruise on my leg was about the worst of it. The cut on my head had just made the whole situation seem a lot worse. The doctor had been concerned with the fact that I had stayed unconscious for so long, which was not really normal, and usually a sign of having a more severe concussion. That had not been the case though. The reason I had been unconscious so long was due to a lack of sleep and anxiety so I suppose my body took the opportunity to take a longer rest than I had been giving it.
This whole ordeal was nothing in the grand scheme of things. I had dealt with a lot worse injuries. I decided there was no point to argue or give my hesitance to spend any amount of time with the once Idol, Risette. I left my Mom alone in the kitchen while I went down the hall and into the studio.
This place was here so Mom could do work from home. The studio was an enclosed recording room. Not a small one either. About the size of a band room you would find in any high school. It had all the specifications you would expect for a professional recording studio. The walls were lined with sound canceling material, but the room was designed with acoustic quality in mind for the best sound quality you could hope to get in such a space. I wasn't sure how it improved it other than for recording purposes. I hadn't really thought to look up how it all worked. This room was probably the most used room in the house.
Besides the studio we had a family room, kitchen, Mom's room, then my room and then a couple of guest bedrooms next to mine. It was a sizable house that was too big for just us, but Mom simply took any house she could get at the time we had moved. Now, I'm not sure I could imagine not living in a place as spacious as this one.
We had moved here shortly after Mom had full custody over me. That was also after the pair of trials, one on my Uncle and the other for her ex-husband. I'm not sure exactly all she had to deal with in that time period of our lives. But I do know she fought hard to get custody of me and then we left the city for the countryside as soon as we were able. The intention was to leave unwanted memories behind us. That was Mom's intention at any rate. But I never forgot what happened. And I never would.
Why has today turned out this way? Mondays were bad enough to begin with. Now I got myself somehow tangled up with an idol. And not just any Idol, but Kujikawa Rise. I couldn't really blame her for wanting to know how I got her music. I would have been curious too if it had been my own. Especially since they were tracks that were never released. She was the one behind the song Star Bright. It was my favorite song. I always hated how that song had never been released. Mom had explained that it hadn't fit the rest of the album or the debut they wanted to make with her. I couldn't really argue that point. Mom knew the Idol industry in ways I didn't after all.
I never really had thought about the person behind the music. The voice that had reached out to me. Not too much anyway. It wasn't like I had ever equated Risette to her music. When I heard the song 'Star Bright' for her audition, it was under her full name, Kujikawa Rise. It wasn't until she made her debut that she became known as Risette. It was a confusing and seemed somewhat demeaning as a business practice. The idol business often meant selling the Idol as if they were a commodity. Everything from their public appearances, their song selection, the dances... everything was controlled. Its why I didn't pay attention to it. Their appearances as models and acting jobs were all to sell more merchandise and music. I only cared for one thing. The music.
What had happened to Kujikawa's music anyway? I felt I knew why she had taken a break just based on her music. It seemed simple to me. She didn't enjoy it anymore. Her voice from her songs told me everything I needed to know. Her first CD was great, even though it didn't include Star Bright in it. I could understand the decision as it didn't really fit the the of the rest of the tracks on the CD. I had hoped that Star Bright would make one of her future projects, but that never happened. I did notice her song change slightly the more she did. It was subtle at first, but eventually I couldn't help but notice.
Her latest album was just...missing something. I don't know why I felt that way, but it was almost like something was missing from her voice. It was like she no longer wanted to sing. At the beginning of her career you could hear her enthusiasm and emotion. She believed in the words she was singing...but now… Now it was different. Her newest album had no passion, no energy, no vibrancy like she had in the past. It wasn't a sudden shift either, it was something that happened over the course of her career. It was frustrating to hear the decline of her passion. Then again, what did I know? Most music critics claimed that Risette's 2nd CD was her best one. I don't believe they would think that way if Star Bright had actually been released with her first album.
Perhaps it was me just being biased because of how much Star Bright had affected me personally. That was likely the truth of it.
I moved into the studio and sat in front of the piano. I hadn't played recently. I had been preparing for exams and had little time to do much else. At the moment, I couldn't exactly study with my mind currently occupied with a bunch of nonsense. I guess falling down those stairs was an excuse to allow myself to play for a bit.
I pulled the cover off the piano as it was a relatively new piano. Mom had bought it recently due to her giving our old one away. To be accurate, Mom donated it to Yasogami High School after she got irritated on how bad the piano was at school. It was one of the times she had visited the school. I don't even remember why she had been there. Either way, our old piano was at Yasogami High and we now had a brand new one. It had been a real pain to get it tuned. Honestly, the idiot we bought it from had zero clue how to properly tune a piano. I had to re-tune the thing myself after he was gone.
I ran my fingers over the cool keys of the piano as I often did before I started. I closed my eyes and then played the first note. I let the sound stand for a moment. Then I began to play a slow and methodical piece.
Just what was wrong with me today? I took a deep breath and continued to play the piano. This piece used the entire range of the piano. It was one I used to warm me up so I would be able to perform faster and more difficult pieces.
Playing the piano had a way of easing my mind, even the dull pain of my concussion to lessen as I continued.
How much time had passed in my life since everything that had happened when I was a kid? Just how disappointed would Miyuki be with me if she saw me now? She'd be angry, I know that much. I hadn't done anything in my life, other than cause other people problems. I thought at one point that ending my life would have been the solution. To not be a bother on anyone but instead I found out that my Mom would not be able to handle it. If she lost me, she wouldn't have anyone else. After she divorced her husband and adopted me, she had left a lot of things behind.
She spent years putting me through therapy and other programs in an attempt to help me, I felt I had only been a burden to her, but she never thought of it that way. Even though I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I would keep living, if only for Mom. She was my adopted Mother, and the Mother of Miyuki, my childhood friend. Or I guess the only one that could qualify as one. Not that it matters since Miyuki is dead.
As I continued to play I find it strange that I could still get lost in the music as I played. Maybe it was because it was an escape in itself, and the one comfort I had from my childhood. I think it was just because it had this way of giving off an appearance that I was well educated or that I had refined hobbies or something. It was the one escape my bastard of an Uncle had given me.
My Uncle had been a local politician so I guess how he raised me was an important part of how it made him look. It was only for appearances though. I wore long sleeve shirts at all times of the year, regardless of the weather to hide the bruises and scars. Even to this day I still did. The scars would always be there, and it was just easier to hide them this way. My Uncle had me learn the piano as a means to show off the opportunities he gave me. All for the purpose of deceiving the public eye. How he treated me...the yelling, the hitting, the overall abuse was something that I couldn't run away from. All of that came to an end when Miyuki died. Her Father was charged with manslaughter when he pushed her in anger and her head hit squarely on the corner of a table. She died instantly.
It was so stupid. After all she had been through and suffered, her life came to an end when she finally moved to make it all change for the better. At the same time she had simultaneously raised questions about my Uncle when the authorities read her diary, which was more detailed then I could have suspected. Miyuki was a victim of sexual abuse from her Father, and the diary held a detailed record of what had been done to her. But that was not all in her diary. She had also written a detailed record of my own injuries over the years. This lead to investigators opening allegations against my Uncle And doing a full medical exam to see if Miyuki's record was just as accurate for me as it had been for her. After doing several medical exams and comparing my injuries to what was reported, they sentenced my Uncle to prison, with him likely to be there for forty or so years. Even if he does get out eventually he wouldn't be allowed to even be in the same city as me. All of that had only been possible because of Miyuki.
I started to increase the tempo of the song as I transitioned it into a different song. I couldn't stand these thoughts. These stupid memories that I could never get out of my head. Why did my thoughts always lead me back to Miyuki? No that wasn't true. There was something that had always managed to move my thoughts away from her. The songs and voice of Kujikawa Rise.
When I heard Star Bright the first time I felt like maybe there was a way I could push forward and find a way to live. A way for me to maybe enjoy myself for once. I shook my head. What childish sentiments I had. Nothing I did ever made me forget about the abuse I experienced or Miyuki's sacrifice she made to save me.
But I could still remember hearing that song, and that voice that seemed to call out to me, to support me. When I heard Star Bright it felt like she was singing to me. Just for me. It was what inspired me to play the piano again...and what made me want to sing.
"Night has fallen across the sky
And I've left myself in pieces once again
Death is falling across the sky
And there is no putting me back together again
Under a solitary light
Where the real world has no place
You silently plead for me to fight
But there is no longer a purpose to this plight
So before my final breath
I will extinguish all that is my life
Don't let me fall
Can you catch me before the end?
And if you save me…
Will you love me?
Or am I simply a lost cause?
Don't let me fall
Can you catch me before the end?
And if you save me…
Will you love me?
Or am I simply a lost cause?
A shadow has fallen across the sky
And I'm nothing more than a hollow mess
The reaper slowly falls across the sky
His course is set to take me to emptiness
The last ray of light
It's my world's last refuge
You stand there only smiling
But are you really there?
Before I take my last breath
I ask you listen to my last selfish request
Don't let me fall
Can you catch me before the end?
And if you save me…
Will you love me?
Or am I simply a lost cause?
Don't let me fall
There is no second chance
If you take this moment
I will love you
From here on, and forever more"
I played the outro of the song and then sighed a bit as I stopped and stared at the piano keys. Why did I sing? What was it about just the thought of Star Bright that inspired me to sing like this? There had to be something fundamentally wrong with me. Actually, that point was obvious.
It wasn't considered normal to attempt suicide. Most might find a measure of regret in trying something like that and try and improve themselves and their lives. For me though, it wasn't true at all. Instead the only thing I had a problem with was hurting Mom. My life wasn't important, but my dying was obviously not a solution that Mom would be okay with. The song Star Bright had been something I had been shown after my suicide attempt. At a time Mom was overly concerned with me. But did any of that ever help me? Or was I simply going through the motions? If something happened to Mom… would there be anything stopping me from taking my own life? No, there wouldn't be.
I got to my feet and turned to the door of the studio and noticed that standing in the doorway was none other than the voice behind the song Star Bright, Kujikawa Rise. She was staring at me but it looked like she was holding a lot of emotions in her eyes. I wonder how long she had been there listening to me. Well it didn't matter. After today I would likely never talk to her again. My life was not worth paying attention to. And meeting the girl that had been called Risette was something I had never wanted to do. I would have to get rid of my childish thoughts that Star Bright was made just for me. I'm not an idiot. I know it wasn't written or sung for my benefit. It was so she could become an idol. But I wanted to hold onto the feelings I had when I first heard that song. And now. Now it seemed I would lose that as well.
"I...umm...your Mom wanted me to tell you that dinner is ready, Ikakure-senpai," Kujikawa seemed nervous. Her nervous? Talking to a nobody like me? Yeah, right. Why was she even here? She looked into my eyes as I approached but she averted her gaze after only a moment.
I casually walked towards the door and passed by her. "Thanks for letting me know." My voice was stiffer than I had intended but it didn't matter. I don't know what Mom's intentions were having her here but the sooner it was over with, the better. I didn't check if she followed me and I just moved to the dining room and sat at the table in my usual spot.
As I settled in my seat I saw Kujikawa settle in across from me. And Mom bringing over the food onto the table. She smiled at me before looking over to Kujikawa. "How do you like your curry dear? I made a mild version and a spicy one," Mom obviously could feel the tension between the two of us.
Tension that I feel was more on Kujikawa's side than my own. Maybe I was irritated, but it was nothing to do with her, just my own personal stupidity on never wanting to meet her.
"I actually prefer spicy," Kujikawa returned my Mother's smile, but it was a smile too well practiced. It was one that came with having to do so again and again. Judging by her body posture and the way her eyes kept darting around, she wasn't just nervous but wanted it all to end sooner than later. I understood that all too well. Still why did she show up if she didn't really want to be here? Well it didn't matter to me either way, it was just one night.
"Alright, spicy it is," Mom was then serving up the food and pretty much acting oblivious to the mood of the room. She placed a plate in front of me and then in front of Kujikawa before making her own plate.
"It's really good," Kujikawa was the next to speak after taking a few bites.
Mom chuckled, "I'm surprised you can handle something so spicy, Rise-chan. Kay-chan likes things really spicy which is why I usually make two pots for curry."
"I guess it's because I'm usually not allowed to have that stuff," Kujikawa said before she took more bites of her curry. "My manager limits my diet so that I don't hurt my throat."
Mom chuckled at Kujikawa's reply, "I see that the Takura Productions hasn't changed its usual rules for its idols. Though honestly, letting you girls have a little freedom every now and then isn't the worst thing in the world. It's what burns idols out after all." Mom spoke casually but she also had strong feelings about the treatment of idols. No doubt she was interested in the real reasons that Kujikawa had left the idol industry, as well as her plan to return. Mom was still connected to the industry after all.
"I guess that's true for some," Kujikawa shifted a bit uncomfortably in her seat. She then looked back up at my Mom and seemed to settle herself. Actually, why was I noticing all this? I really just needed to eat and be done with this whole dinner thing. Kujikawa then started to talk again, "I heard you were a well sought out manager at Takura Productions before you left."
"Yes, a fact that Hishikawa likes to remind me of at least once a month," Mom shrugged as she ate a few more bites of her food. I simply ate in silence and kept my focus away from them. Not that I could block out their conversation as Mom moved into the question I knew she would ask. "Would you be willing to tell me why you left? You don't have to, but I can't help but feel that it is caused by the unreasonable schedule they make you girls keep."
Kujikawa seemed to slow for a moment and took extra time to chew on her food before swallowing. She then shook her head, "I don't mind. I think someone should know the truth about it. And I can't think of anyone better to tell it to than the two of you."
I looked over to her and raised an eyebrow, but she was looking down at the table. She included me in that? Why? So, I started to object, "Hold on...I'm not..."
"Quiet, dear. Let her speak," Mom cut me off and with a glance that told me to shut up and listen. I sighed and leaned back. I could defy others easily enough...manipulate the emotions of classmates to ostracize myself. But defy my Mother? She was the only reason I even bothered to continue to live out this life I had. So if Mom wanted me to listen I had no choice but to do that.
"It all has to do with why I became an Idol to begin with. I was in middle school and I lacked confidence, was incredibly shy and I had no real experience dealing with others. I was never any good at making friends but it was what I wanted. My Uncle saw me struggling, so he signed me up for an audition. He told me I could build confidence and gain all the skills I would need to make friends. All I had to do was become an Idol. It sounded like such a wonderful dream that I put everything I had into it. I stepped way out of my comfort zone in hopes of attaining it. A way to change my life. And thanks to the both of you, I got that chance. I became an idol. And at first, I loved it. People cheered for me, talked to me because they really wanted to do so. That was what I believed at the time," Kujikawa had put her utensil down but was still staring down at her food.
Had she never really talked to anyone about this? What about her friends? Wasn't she with a lot of people? Didn't they know? I still don't understand why telling us was something she was okay with.
Kujikawa paused and took a deep breath before she continued, "About a year ago my Uncle died due to cancer. He was the reason I had became an Idol, and when he died I started to think about that reason. I was trying to make friends, to be seen and involved with everyone around me. For a while it was a lot of fun. It was like what my Uncle had told me, I had become the center of attention. When he died, I realized that the reason for that attention was shallow. People only saw Risette the idol, not Kujikawa Rise the girl that had become Risette. Everyone only called me Risette, even my own parents. When I realized that I couldn't get it outta my mind. If all anyone saw was Risette, then nothing had changed. I was still alone, this time surrounded by people that never saw me."
Was that it? That was the reason she quit? "Bullshit, you're lying," I found myself saying after a moment. She looked to me with a flash of irritation on her face. I was used to that reaction but she didn't have a clue as to why I said that. That's fine, I can clarify it for her. "You used to love singing. You used to believe the words you sang. Maybe you don't realize it, but you've had these thoughts for longer than just a year. Your Uncle's death may have brought it to your attention but that isn't when you started to show it."
"How dare you! I'm not lying!" Kujikawa shot daggers at me with her eyes. I had just called her a liar so she had a right to be mad at me. Not that I cared if she was, but I could play this game.
"Then listen to your music. I'll show you exactly where you started to doubt yourself," I met her ire head on with my own piercing gaze.
"My...music?" her tone changed immediately. My words seemed to have done the trick but I wasn't done yet.
"You saw it right? I own all your music," I knew she had to scroll through everything in my mp3 player at some point. "You've been an idol for over three years now. You've released 3 full albums along with a multitude of other songs for anime, movies and occasionally promotional events. But it was shortly after your second CD when all of that changed. That emotion you put in your music it started to dull. I don't know what happened but it affected everything you did after then."
She blinked and looked up at me. Tears were silently gathering and threatened to fall from her eyes, I could see them welling up. She didn't refute me.
"You don't know it, Rise-chan. But there isn't anyone that has quite as good of ears as Kay-chan. Music is one thing he knows better than anyone his age. He's helped me out a lot of times with reviewing idols and other requests from companies. He also is quite knowledgeable on musical theory and psychology. I would say it is quite a hobby of his," My Mom said this about me and I just shook my head.
"That explains why Kujikawa said it was okay to tell us why she had quit. You told her I wrote part of her review for 'Star Bright' didn't you?" I glanced at her. Not like I was mad at this but it was somewhat irritating to know that Mom had been talking to Kujikawa about me while I had been unconscious.
"I'm sorry, dear. Did you want to keep that fact secret from her?" Mom was having way too much fun with this. "Honestly, Kay-chan, I never get to brag about you. Let me do it this one time to the girl that I would say owes you quite a bit."
"She doesn't owe me anything. It was her own skill and ability that..." I sighed once more as Mom had a big smile on her face. "Stop it, Mom."
"See, Rise-chan. You had at least one fan that really listened to your music. Have you ever heard Kay-chan ever call you Risette?" Mom wasn't letting go of this at all.
"Don't listen to her, I-" I looked to Kujikawa but what I saw stopped me from being able to say anything more.
Kujikawa was crying. Tears streamed down her cheeks but she didn't look away from me. Instead I could see a multitude of questions wanting to escape from her. After a moment she was able to speak, "You...you could tell? My singing changed? But you're right, something did happen." She wiped away her tears only for more to replace them. She still had her composure, but it seemed that at any moment she would break down into sobs.
"What happened?" I found myself asking before I could really stop myself. I didn't really care… did I?
"It was a fan gathering after one of my concerts. I was signing autographs and taking pictures, which is pretty normal but I overheard someone. They said it was stupid to get over excited meeting an idol. That it wasn't like we remembered our fans. That the relationships made with an idol were fake. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Or that was what I thought," Kujikawa grimaced and looked away from me.
"In actuality you did listen, and you did think about it. You started to lose confidence in yourself and what you were doing as an idol," I spoke softly as I could picture the rest of what likely happened from there.
"I must have," she was looking down at the table again. "Did you really know since back then? That something had changed?"
"If it had been just a single song, I probably wouldn't have noticed at all. But it didn't go away, even when you sang your older songs they just lost something to them. I couldn't put a specific reason to them other than something had happened to make you dislike singing or performing," I don't know why I was bothering to explain it. "Why would it matter when I had figured it out?"
"It matters to me," Kujikawa spoke after a moment. "After all, it means that someone could see me. Truly see me."
"Well I heard you. I don't watch your performances or whatever," I had no idea how I should continue to talk about this. "Besides you decided you are going to perform again, right?"
"Yes, I was finally able to make friends. Real friends, while I was here. They accepted me as I am. It didn't matter to them that I was an Idol or that I had left that life behind. They all had their own reasons but I finally felt I had achieved the reason I became an idol. And it was also because of them that I realized something else. That while Risette the idol is something sold to the public for Takura Productions to make money and what people see is mostly controlled. What they see and hear is still me. You can't please everyone, all you can do is believe in yourself and keep going. I want to go back as an Idol because it is still a part of me. And I don't know if I could live a life without singing on a stage ever again," as she spoke this time, her tears dried up and her voice grew more confident. It was obvious that her friends meant alot to her.
"Sounds like you got it all sorted out then. I'll be looking forward to your return then," I said and took a drink from my tea. Why did Mom have to press for that information? And I don't get how me figuring out that something had happened to her based on her voice meant anything when she had already dealt with her hang ups. None of this made sense to me.
Mom was giggling now and looking at me. I gave her a questioning glance but it made her giggle a bit more, "Kay-chan, you spend your life avoiding others. You have your reasons but this girl remains to be the singular voice that reaches you. If it had been anyone else I doubt you would have said anything at all. You would have simply let her tell her tale and make the night go by faster. But no you challenged her, because you wanted to know why your favorite singer had changed."
I went slack jawed at Mom's words. Was she right? She couldn't be. I shook my head, "So what? She didn't have to answer me, she doesn't have a reason to want to tell me." I went to get up from the table but Mom spoke again.
"She also didn't have to stay at your side while you were unconscious. She didn't have to come here to dinner either. Yet you seem to believe she is doing so out of some sort of feeling of obligation, right?" Mom looked right at me and I could see it in her eyes. Disappointment, again. Again Mom tried to reach out to me, tried to help me, and what was I doing?
Sorry, Mom. I don't know what you want from me anymore. I can't be the son you want. I'll keep living this idiotic life for you. But I can't do anything more than that. Even if Rise was my favorite singer and I had wanted to know the truth. In the end it was just selfish. I only wanted to hear her sing again. I'm nothing more than a selfish bastard. The only reason I had promised to never attempt suicide again was for the part of me that wasn't selfish. But I don't think I'll ever be someone you can ever be proud of, Mom.
I got to my feet, "Thanks for the food." I spoke stiffly and quickly left the dining room and headed back to my room. Nothing's that simple. What did Mom expect from me? To try and move on? To find a reason to do something more in my life? My life wasn't worth anything. And I wasn't about to let even the smallest ridiculous thoughts of hope to enter my mind. I didn't want or need any needless complications in my life. Whatever. I would never see Kujikawa Rise ever again. The sooner, the better.
A/N:
I hope you liked it! I will be posting two parts on Christmas Eve with the final part coming to you on Christmas Day. Let me just say this is a Christmas present to all my readers and to anyone else that comes to enjoy this story. Thank you very much and I'll see you all tomorrow with the next two parts!
Leave a review and let me know what you think! And if you like this then I hope you take the time to check out the proper Last Symphony story. Just check out my profile to find it!