The first time was the worst.
The night of Haley's funeral, he locked himself in the bathroom and slashed his arms open with a razor.
He wasn't even thinking. It was almost like an instinct awakened by rage and grief.
Afterwards, it seemed as though the fog had lifted. He felt okay again. he cleaned up the blood, bandaged his wounds, and went on with his nightly routine.
In the weeks to come, he would press on the healing cuts whenever his emotions threatened to overcome him. The physical pain allowed him a controlled release.
He needed to be strong for Jack.
But then the wounds healed, leaving scars but no pain.
The second time he was more careful. He took the blade out of a razor and carefully sanitized it. The scars on his arms were way too obvious, so this time he chose a spot on his chest to make the marks.
He glanced at himself in the mirror, looking at Foyet's work with contempt. The serial killer had left him with several scars...it was time to make his body his own again.
He carved a large X into his chest, just above his heart. He didn't know why at first; it just felt right. Then his inner profiler kicked in, and he almost laughed aloud at how pathetic he was.
The X over his heart represented his guilt. He would never be worthy of love again.
In the next couple months, things seemed to get better. He bought scar cream for his arms. When he went back to the Bureau, he couldn't have anyone seeing the proof of his weakness. He spent more time with Jack. He only thought of Haley a few times a day instead of constantly.
Eventually, he started feeling restless. He needed to go back to work. As much as he enjoyed his time with Jack, his son would be starting school again soon. What would he do during the day to keep himself busy?
So he contacted Chief Strauss and told her he was ready to return. As expected, she had him do a complete psychological evaluation and grief assessment.
"Do you blame yourself for what happened?"
"Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or ending your life?"
"How are you doing, really?"
He blatantly lied his way through these questions. He had helped write them; he knew exactly how to answer.
The team eagerly welcomed him back, and he quickly readjusted to the job. Occasionally he would have flashbacks, but they grew less frequent as time went on. When they did happen, he knew how to deal with them. He kept a thin razor blade with him at all times. He rarely used it, but felt reassured knowing it was there if he needed it.
He self-harmed less often as well. He was getting better; healing.
But one thing he never counted on was falling in love again.
Hey :) This is just an idea that's been going through my mind. It's going to be a Hotch/Prentiss story, so stop reading if you don't like that sort of thing. Should I keep going? Is it any good so far? Feedback is appreciated! Thanks.