Merely Freshmen

summary: Cuddy gives Wilson a bit on insight on why House acts the way he does.

Pairing: H/W

A/N: This is just something that came to me during my Humanities class today. I got the idea from the Verve Pipe's song, "The Freshmen". I may continue this one on or it may just be a one shot. I don't know, let me know what you want and I'll try to make it happen. It kind of starts in the middle of something but I didn't want to ruin it by adding in pointless details. You'll still get it.

'I can't be held responsible... She was touching her face...I won't be held responsible...She fell in love in the first place.'

-Verve Pipe, The Freshmen

"James, I think that there's something you need to know and I know that there's no way that House will ever talk to you about it." You sit down on Cuddy's couch and stare at her blankly as she hands you a steaming mug of strong smelling coffee.

All week you've been bothered by this feeling that something was bothering House and finally tonight, after you both blew up at each other in a huge fight over nothing, and you left, you decided that you might need to talk to someone about it. When you showed up at Cuddy's door and explained this situation, she took you in with a knowing look.

"Some how I have a feeling that whatever you have to tell me isn't good." Cuddy sighs and curls up in the opposite corner of the couch.

"Do you ever wonder why House is the way he? "

"What do you mean?"

"Did you ever wonder why he couldn't have successful relationships? Why he's pushes you away whenever things get good?"

"No, I guess I just attributed it to his bad break up with Stacy." Cuddy looks at you for a long minute, looking like she's debating whether she should continue or not.

"Stacy wasn't House's first heartache and she definitely wasn't his worse."

"How do you know?"

"I went to school with him, at Michigan. I was a freshmen and he was getting ready to go onto Hopkins. I would see him in the library every now and then and I noticed that he never talked to anyone and everyone just left him alone. The girls didn't flirt with him even though he was obviously attractive and the jocks never spoke to him or included him in other jock things even though he was one of the star players of the lacrosse team. I finally got curious, so I asked around to some of the upperclassmen that I knew to see if any of them knew him or knew what his deal was."

"What'd they tell you?" You ask when she falls silent.

"His freshmen year, House was the big man on campus. All the girls loved him and all the guys wanted to be his best bud. Everyone knew even then, three months into his freshmen year that he was going to be something big but he met this girl named Anna and the two of them got pretty serious pretty fast. Anna was a smart girl with a rebellious streak and a lot of people felt that she was just with him because she was rebelling against her parents."

"House would never be with a girl like that." You interrupt.

"The House we know wouldn't. But time changes people. Changed both of them and not in the right way. House was pre-med and had already been accepted into Hopkins, while Anna hadn't decided on her major yet and wasn't sure about anything-except that she was in love with House."

"And he wasn't in love with her." You finish, suddenly knowing where this was heading.

"Right. Well, I guess rumors started going around campus that Anna was going to college to find a husband and she was just looking for someone who could make enough money to take care of her and keep her in a posh life style and guys were telling House that she was going to drag him down and keep him from achieving the greatness he was bounded for."

"House isn't shallow enough to listen to that kind of crap." You interrupt again.

"He didn't…but she did. House was totally loaded down with pre-med courses and lacrosse and he…just didn't have time for her. So she started to become very clingy and depressed and was always try to do things to get his attention because she felt like he was slipping away from her. House didn't know how to deal with her behavior, so he ignored it. Well, then she started nagging him about getting married and he was not ready for that. They'd only been going out for seven months, and… they were only freshmen."

"He never proposed, did he?"

"Nope. Told her he wasn't ready for it. Wanted to wait until he was out of med school and finished his residency before he settled down like that." You nod a little, giving him credit for having that kind of discipline.

"What'd she do?"

"She flipped out. Said she couldn't wait that long and that he had to married her because of what they'd done. Then they got in a huge fight in the middle of the campus coffee shop and he broke it off." You give a little huff; you know what kind of temper House has.

"What happened after that?" Cuddy takes a long sip from her mug.

"From what I heard, after their fight, she stormed off back to her dorm while House took a walk to cool off and then he went to the library to pull an all nighter 'cause he had exams in two days and a lacrosse game the next night. The next day, no one saw Anna around campus but no one thought too much about it, you know. Girls and break ups always equals a mental health day. But after his game the next night, House went to go check on her. I don't know if he felt guilty or what but he went to make sure she was okay."

"She wasn't okay, was she?" You ask, already knowing the answer. Cuddy shakes her head.

"She was unresponsive. He called 911 and they took her to the ER but it was too late. She'd swallowed a whole bottle of valium and then just curled up in her bed to die."

"Jesus…"

"Yeah, she left a note for him on the door to his dorm confessing her undying love for him and telling him that she would have never loved another man. She told him that she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life and that if he left her she didn't know if she could ever love someone the way that she had loved him. He didn't find it until after he found her. I think that she was waiting for him to find it and come running back to her, but when he didn't come, I think that she gave up on him and then gave up on life."

"Dear God, she makes it seem like it was his fault." Cuddy looks at you sadly.

"Her family sure thought it was. I guess she was a very religious girl before going off to college and would never have done anything like that before she met him and that because he was 'an angry, hurtful, misanthropic bastard', he broke her down and drove her to kill herself."

"Oh God…"

"People around campus didn't know what to do, didn't know how to act around him. And for as much as he claims that he doesn't give a damn about what people think, it means a whole hell of a lot to him, at least back then it did. I think that he believed that everyone thought what her family thought about him, so he cut himself off from people, possibly believing that he never got close to anyone, he couldn't hurt them and they couldn't hurt him." You drop your head into your hands and ran your fingers through your hair.

"He never got over her, did he?" Cuddy shrugs.

"I don't know. He never spoke of her again. I think he does feel like he's to blame for her death and so he carries around the weight of it with him."

"Oh God…"

"I didn't tell you this to upset you, James. I just thought you should know that when he does things, pushes you away and acts like he doesn't care, he doesn't mean it but he's got a good reason for it. And that the reason he may be acting weird right now is that…it's the anniversary of her death." You raise your head and think for a minute before speaking again.

"Did you ever tell Stacy about her?"

"No, now that you mention it, I never did tell her about Anna. I'm not sure that would have been the right thing to do. I think that she would have brought it up to him and forced him to deal with it."

"And you think I won't?" You ask, eyebrow raised.

"I know you won't. I know you'll take in everything I tell you and then go back to him with a greater understanding and maybe a bit more patience." You give Cuddy a long look before sighing heavily.

"What do you think he'd be like if all of that hadn't happened?" You ask her.

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" She counters in a House-like manor. You give a humorless laugh.

"The world may never know." You both stand and she walks you to the door.

"Thank you, Lisa." You tell her as you put your coat on. Her smile drops as she leans against the open door.

"What's there to be thankful for? What I told you doesn't change anything. Sure doesn't change him." You shake your head.

"It changes more than you know." She gives you a small smile and waits until you make it to your car before closing her front door.

When you get back to the apartment, the lights are still on but the TV's off and House has long since gone to bed. And in a way, you're grateful because he won't ask you where you've been or why it looks like you've been crying.

Slipping off your shoes and coat, you tiptoe around in your socks, not quite sure why you're trying to be quiet because you can hear House in the bedroom sounding like a chainsaw that can't start with his snoring. You aren't tired yet and you're deeply curious about Anna, so you shut off all the lights except for the one lamp in the living room. You then silent pull out the step ladder and pull down the wooden box that you know is House's memory box, hoping that he has a picture just to sate your curiosity. You shuffle over the couch and open the box to examine the contents.

Inside, there's a lot of yellowing newspaper clippings bragging about his medical accomplishments that his mother no doubt sent to him because you know he wouldn't cut them out himself. There a few love letters from Stacy and you don't read those but as you're setting them aside, you notice one sticking out that's paper is a little older looking and the handwriting is different. As you start to read it, you realized what it is. It's Anna's suicide note.

Greg,

I guess I should have seen this coming but I wouldn't be lying when I say that I feel totally blind sighted by all of this. We had a really good thing going and you never once led on that there might be a problem or that you weren't serious about this. Well, I am serious about this and I think you need to give our situation another chance. I know that we could make this thing, this marriage work. I could quit school and get a job to support you while you finish med school and then when you're that big accomplished doctor, I can quit that job to raise our family. Please, just don't give up on us yet. I'm begging you.

Love,

Anna

You read the note over and over again trying to think of some reason why he would keep the damn thing and found none, except as a reminder. You wonder he if pulls it out and reads it as a type of punishment. That thought alone make you want to rip it up or burn it, something to destroy it forever so that House can stop hurting. But instead you put it back and as you're doing so, you spot a photograph in the very bottom corner. When you pull it out you see that this is what you were looking for in the first place.

House is much younger looking with his face clean shaven and his eyes are an even more striking shade of blue. He's wearing some college rock band's tee shirt under a leather jacket, jeans and sneakers. Some things never change. You think to yourself. Seated next to him is a young, petite looking brunette with soft brown eyes and soft feminine features. Her long hair cascades down her back and her mascara heavy eyelashes and dark outlined eyes stick out in contrast to her fair skin and make her look like she just walked out of a go-go from 1965. Her cut-off shorts and tank top show off more of her pale skin with no sign of a tan even though it evident by their wardrobe that it's summer time.

In the picture, House is sitting back on a couch, long muscular arms spread out along the back of it and he's actually smiling and laughing about something off to the left. Anna is leaning forward with her elbows on her bare knees and her chin resting on the palms of both of her hands, looking straight at the camera with a purely innocent look to her.

You look at the two of them and you can't help but think about how young they are. No more than 19, they were too young to know anything about love and relationships and definitely too young to make such a big of a decision as marriage and too young for such heartache. You look back down at the young House and you wish that you could go back in time and take away all his pain. You wish that you could go back and make sure that he never had to suffer. Putting everything back in the box, you sigh heavily, knowing that you can't change his past.

You put the box and the ladder back in their respective places before shutting off the lights and heading in to the bedroom. When you settle down under the covers, you lean over and give him a gentle kiss on the forehead and whisper softly to him.

"What this world done to you?"