Gone but Never Forgotten
Sam x reader, Dean, and Castiel Fluff
Triggers: self-hatred, miscarriage, implied smut.
You grew a hunter but you have been with the Winchesters for a couple years. Sam and you hit it off right away and were together instantly. Dean had become your best friend. The day you found out you were pregnant was the best day of your lives. You found out five months ago and you guys fell in love with the little one. You woke up and snuggled into Sam and he pulled you in tighter. You peppered his face with kisses before you got up. Sam groaned knowing he should get up too. You were starting to look like a little blue berry as your stomach grew. You rubbed you stomach.
"You hungry little baby?" you asked waiting for a kick that never came. You hadn't felt baby in days. Sam put his hand gingerly on your belly and covered it with kisses.
"Has the baby been kicking much?" Sam asked concerned.
"No not at all. I am really worried Sam, I haven't felt the baby move in days." You replied with tears streaming down your face.
"Hey Hey, Don't worry after breakfast we will go to the hospital to make sure everything is fine. I am sure everything is fine but if it will give you peace of mind it's what we will do." Sam held you and made sure you were okay but was concerned as well. You did your morning routine and got ready to go.
When you got to the hospital you checked in but were antsy. Deep down you wanted to believe Sam but you knew something was off. After waiting an hour they called your name.
"Winchester's you can go in." the nurse smiled. You could only bring yourself to do a forced smile. They started with the Sonogram and went to the ultrasound. Man they made you have to pee. The ultrasound tech looked concerned. She sent everything to the doctor. You and Sam were escorted to another room.
"Winchester?" the doctor asked.
"Yes that's us." Sam said with a smile and squeezed your hand.
"I am so sorry but your baby. She isn't moving and there is no heartbeat. I am so sorry." The doctor explained.
"Did I do something wrong? I thought I was doing everything right." You were trying to hold back tears. Sam's hand dropped form yours. "I am so sorry Sammy. I don't know what I have done wrong." You pleaded. Sam's arms wrapped around you and you both started to cry.
The doctor spoke again. "You didn't do anything wrong. There was a blood clot that go into the umbilical cord. There was nothing that could have been done. We are going to have to do an emergency D&C the only thing is we can't do it until Monday.
"I am going to have a baby that is dead in me for a whole week! Get it out! Get it out!" you screeched. You couldn't hold back the tears any longer and you broke down. Sam tightened his hug round you trying to calm you down but it was useless because he was the same way.
"I am so so sorry Sammy. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to. Please forgive me!" you balled. You were inconsolable.
"Shh shh, baby there is nothing to forgive. You heard what the doctor said. You are not to blame." Sam said calmly but you could hear his voice breaking.
"Take all the time you need but I will be back with your appointment time." The doctor explained. After the doctor left you and Sam were crying and trying to console each other.
"What do we do now?" you asked Sam between hiccups.
"We take it one day at the time. We never forget our little one. We will figure it out together." He squeezed and let a forced smile on his face. The doctor came back in and handed you an appointment slip plus a phone number for a therapist. After that you and Sam walked out of the hospital. You were holding onto each other trying to lean on each other.
The drive back to the bunker was quiet minus the sobs that you both let out. When you got back you walked into the door Dean was beaming when he saw the looks on your faces his dropped.
"What Happened?" You looked at Sam and he nodded. You walked away to yours and Sam's room not being able to talk. As you head to your room you hear Sam choke out what happened and he dropped. Both boys started crying. Hearing them cry made you break down. You were curled up in bed. Someone knocks but you don't answer, the door opened and you saw it was Dean.
"I am so sorry (YNN)." Dean said. He came over to you and squeezed your arm.
"I killed his baby Dean. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. I thought I was doing everything right. He is going to hate me. I killed his baby." You cried out.
"(YNN) Sam told me everything. You didn't kill the baby. He isn't going to hate you. If anything he loves you more than ever. You guys need each other more than ever right now. Don't shut him out, okay." Dean squeezed your arm and got up. He closed the door. Shortly after there was another knock on the door. Sam walked in and came to the bed.
"(YNN)" you looked up at him and he continued. "Can we talk?" he asked. You nodded not trusting your voice thinking you knew what was coming next. What really came next surprised you. "Dean told me what you said. I could never hate you. This is a horrible thing that has happened to us but I love you more than ever. I am broken hearted about our little one but more than that I am heartbroken that you blame yourself. You were an amazing mom to this little one. Please don't shut me out. I love you." He pleaded. He crawled into bed with you and you could smell the whiskey. You kissed his lips and held each other.
"I could never shut you out. I love you too Sammy. Thank you. You are an amazing boyfriend and you would have been an even more amazing father. Can we just lay here for now?" you asked.
"Of course." He replied pulling you in closer to him. After you both shed a few more tears you both drifted off to sleep. You heard the door open and smelt food. You and Sam both opened your eyes and you saw his hand was on the gun under his pillow until he saw Dean.
"I brought you guy's food. I figured you two wouldn't want to leave this room. I am glad to see you guys like that though. I am so sorry again you two." He exclaimed. You both gave a small smile.
"Thanks for the food and thanks for everything." You said getting up to get the food but Dean brought it to you guys. He thought of everything.
"You take good care of us." Sam sighed at the taste of food. Dean left again and you and Sam ate and talked. Then you put on a movie. You both fell asleep. The week continued in a similar manner. Normally the boys would have headed out for a hunt but they knew that Sam wasn't into it this week and that you need them more than anything right now. Monday came around and you were back at the hospital. The birth and death certificates were signed but had no name yet you and Sam couldn't come up with one yet. They took you two into a birthing room and had you medicated quickly.
"Push! Come on one more Push!" the doctor coached. After that push the baby came out. They wrapped it in a blanket and handed it to you. It was a girl. Still born baby but a girl. You and Sam were crying.
"You two have to think of a name for the birth and death certificates." The doctor explained tacking on a sorry. You and Sam looked at each other.
"Why don't we use both our Mother's names that way they will know and can look out for her?" you asked.
"Mary (YMN) or (YMN) Mary?" he thought out loud.
"Mary (YMN) Winchester." You crooned at the baby.
"I Like it." He said with a sad smile.
"Me too." You said with the same look. The name was put on both certificates. Then both crying. You had to at the hospital for the night for observation. Dean and Cas came to visit.
"Could you bring her back?" you whimpered to Cas.
"I am so sorry (YN) but I can't. I wish more nothing more that I could." He explained. "I could however erase your memories though." He perked up.
No, I want to remember her." You said sadly.
"Why wouldn't it be easier to forget?" he asked not understanding.
"It would but then I wouldn't be able to see her beautiful face." You explained.
"Oh!" Cas exclaimed. Sam nodded with approval of your answer. The first month after was the hardest. You and Sam tried to keep busy with hunts and you two ran off and eloped trying to bring happiness and you both decided it was time. You and Sam spent days consummating your marriage. You guys hung onto each other more than ever and could speak without speaking. One day you decided you wanted to surprise Sam with a dog. You found the perfect German Sheppard puppy. She was the sweetest thing. You went and got a pink bow to put around her neck and the things you would need for her. Sam and Dean were on a supply run. When they got home you showed her to the boys. Sam's eyes were sparkling for the first time in a long time. Dean gave you a look of approval. Coralie brought some life back into the bunker. She came everywhere with you guys. A year later Sam heard a scream coming from the washroom. He rushed in with a gun in hand. He put it down when he saw you were okay and then realizing you were holding a home pregnancy test and beaming.
"You're pregnant?" he asked half scared and half excited.
"Yes! Yes I am!" you exclaimed. You flung yourself into Sam's arms he held you tight. "I know you're scared especially after last time. I am too but we will take this one day at a time and we will be fine." You said. He beamed at you which showed off those dimples that just made you melt. His hazel eyes twinkled with excitement.
"I may be scared but I agree with you and I am majorly excited about it as well." He held you tighter and kissed you with passion. "I love you." You had a genuine smile for the first time in a long time.
"I love you too and I love our little rainbow baby." He placed his hand on your stomach and kissed it gently. You giggled and let out a sigh.
"I want to go to the doctor on Monday if you don't mind?" you asked slightly embarrassed.
"Of course we will do what you need to do for your piece of mind." He said and kissed you again. After what seemed like a long nine months you gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. You and Sam cried but this time it was with happiness. "Our beautiful little rainbow baby." You crooned and looked up at Sam and he was beaming from ear to ear so his dimples were showing. "I really hope he has your eyes and dimples." You said.
"I think he has your nose and chin though." He said with a smile he bent down and kissed your forehead. "I love you so much." He exclaimed.
"I love you too." You replied. Over the day you had many visitors but you guys had to think of a name for the little boy. "What should we name this little man." You asked.
"How about Dean Robert Winchester." Sam asked.
"I couldn't think of a better name. Bobby brought us together and Dean has always been there for us." You exclaimed. You pulled Sam down for a kiss. After you brought baby Dean home you and Sam fell into a routine and it was wonderful. Sam was a great father and Dean was a great uncle. The bunker was never the same it had the sound of little feet pitter pattering. Mary was gone but never forgotten but you knew she was watching over her little brother. You couldn't help but smile at how your life turned out. It is pretty amazing. It is not too often hunter find happiness in this life you the four of you managed to find some. Some days where still difficult but you knew that you had so much to live for so you all kept on fighting.