Snow Jeff, a wrestling fanfic

SNOW JEFF

I said this is a crack fic, it is. It's meant to be silly, crazy and just a hint of slash in it.

I own none of the wrestlers. Just borrowing them, I promise.

Once upon in a far, far away land called SmackDown, lived a queen. Queen Vickie Guerrero to be exact. Once a kind and sweet woman, she was now vain, selfish and cruel to everyone. Her servants, her 'friends'. The only person who would speak to her and not by choice, was her magic mirror. Inside that magic mirror was a being named Teddy Long.

Every day Vickie would go to her magic mirror and ask it the same question. "Teddy, Teddy on the wall.. Who is the fairest and most beautiful one of all?" She would bat her eyes, smiling sweetly at her mirror.

Teddy would always grimace, fighting down a long sigh. He'd always answer. "You're the fairest one of all, Vickie." Actually, he thought she was a big, ugly..

Vickie smiled. She really had no idea that her reign was about to come to an end as the 'beautiful' Queen.

One day Vickie was primping in front of the mirror, fixing her dark hair with a smile. "Teddy." There was no answer. "Teddy?" Still no answer. "TEDDY!"

"I'm here, woman! I'm here!" The face appeared in her mirror, fighting the urge to glare. "What do you want NOW?"

"Oh, there you are!" Vickie smiled sweetly, ignoring his groan of disgust. She smoothed down her hair, then fixed her beautiful pink and blue gown. "Teddy, Teddy on the wall. Who if the fairest and the most beautiful one of all?"

She was surprised when Teddy gave a snicker. "What. What's so funny?" She demanded

"Oh, Vickie. I'm sorry. Well, not really so sorry to say. You were the best and most beautiful." NOT. "But now there's a new one in the way. A figure with pale skin like snow, hair that is never the same color and eyes deep and green."

Silence.

"EXCUSE ME?" Vickie's scream of outrage cracked several windows and frightened birds that took off into the air quickly. Teddy rubbed at his ear, surprised and a bit disappointed that the mirror hadn't broken. He WISHED it had.

"Who is this girl? Who is this girl that she thinks she's better then me?" Vickie demanded angrily.

Teddy rubbed his ear again, making sure he hadn't gone deaf. "Ain't a woman, playa. The one who is better lookin' then you is a male. Look out that window, into your garden."

Vickie grabbed handfuls of her dress, stomping over to the window to look down. She had a beautiful kingdom, not that she really gave a care for the flowers or the many little animals. Who was this BOY?

Sitting in the garden was a young man. His skin was pale, despite the warm sun on him. His hair was not one color, but three. A mix of silver, red and blue. When he titled his head up to look at the sky, his eyes were a deep green. Lovely and exotic. He was beautiful...

"DOLPH!"

Teddy once again had to cover his ears when Vickie screeched. It took a few minutes, the young platinum haired man skidding into the room. Dolph Ziggler was a huntsman/part time lover of Queen Vickie. His hair looked a bit mussed, eyes wide as he tried to straighten up. "Hi.. Yes, my queen?" He asked.

Vickie ran her fingers through her hair, trying not to ruin it as she paced. "Dolph, there is a person I need you to make disappear. He is in my way to be the most beautiful in this land." She stopped, walking up close to her sometimes lover. Her eyes narrowed. "What is THAT on your mouth?"

Dolph reached a hand up, touching his mouth. He pulled his hand back, staring at the red lipstick he found on his finger tips. "Uh.. It's juice. Just some red juice, my Queen."

He was quick to add. "Who do you want me to kill, my queen?"

"His name.. H.. What is his name, Teddy!"

"Jeffery Hardy." Teddy rolled his eyes.

Vickie nodded her head, eyes lit up with fire. "I want you.. to kill Jeff Hardy, Dolph.. And do not come back.. Until it's finished. And to be sure it is.. Bring me back.. some of his hair.." She took out a dagger, holding it out to her servant.

"Yes... My Queen."

Outside in the garden, the green eyed male began to hum. He had wrapped a few flowers together, creating a wreath. At his side was a little Jack Russel Puppy. Jeff laughed, setting the wreath over the pup's head. It slipped down, making him growl playfully. "Oh, Jack.." Jeff smiled. In this kingdom alone, the pup was the only friend Jeff really had.

"It's getting late. We should hurry along.." Jeff stood up, brushing down the long black skirt he wore. Underneath it he was bare foot, his multi-colored hair tied up in a bun. Jack followed after him, trotting along the path as they walked.

Just behind them Dolph snuck along, holding the dagger tight in his fingers. Just one quick slice of the throat, Vickie would be quiet and he could go back to what he was doing originally. Jeff began to pluck flowers from the wreath, tossing them along as he walked. "Lalalala.."

This was too easy.

Dolph edged closer, lifting the dagger up. He skidded to a stop, just as Jeff turned around. "Uh.. Hi!" He pushed his hand behind his back, keeping the dagger hidden. Jeff smiled a bit, tilting his head as he glanced at the platinum blond. "Hi. Can I help you with something?" Such a sweet tone that sent shivers running right down Dolph's back.

Oh... yeah.

Dolph couldn't kill this boy. No, not at all. He was too beautiful to be killed. "I.. Uh.. " What was he supposed to be doing? He didn't remember. Jack sniffed at the other male, then moved slightly to lift his leg.

That brought Dolph right out of his stupor. He gagged and jerked his foot back, glaring down at the little dog. "Why, you little- GAH!"

Just as he made a move to kick Jack, Jeff pushed his foot up and slammed it right into the middle of Dolph's legs. "Don't you kick my dog!" Jeff growled, lifting Jack up and holding him in his arms.

Dolph held his crotch, rolling around on the ground. "Wait! Wait! I have something to warn you about? Queen Vickie wants to kill you!"

Queen Vickie? The loud, shrilling, insane woman?

Jeff blinked. "Why would Queen Vickie want to kill me?" He had never even spoken to her. Jeff knelt down beside Dolph, keeping Jack in his arms safely. "Why would Queen Vickie want to kill me?" He repeated.

Dolph groaned. Bad feeling gone.. Thank god. "She's a crazy bit.. She doesn't like that you're prettier then she is. You need to run away! Run as far as you CAN!"

Jack barked loudly, tilting his head to stare up at his Master. Jeff looked down at his pet, hesitating. He held tight to the canine, getting back up to his feet. "Come on, Jack." He took Dolph's advice, quickly taking off into the woods as fast as he could.

Dolph watched him go. That was the first time he had failed to kill someone. Vickie was not going to be pleased.. and there was still that throbbing in between his legs. Ow..

Jeff still ran through the woods, holding Jack close. He wasn't sure how long he had been running for, tripping over twigs and little things in the way. It was getting late.. and he was getting tired. He just wanted to rest now. Finally, Jack gave a little bark. Right in front of Jeff was a house, just a cottage that looked abandoned. It was a nice shelter for the night.

"Here we go, boy." Jeff opened the door, setting the dog down on the ground. Only one small light was light. Jeff could see three beds. Oh, how nice they looked... Jeff went towards one, laying down. He didn't even realize there was another body in the bed until an arm began to wrap around his waist.

"AAH!"

Slam!

"My nuts!"

Another few lights were flickered up and on, other bodies sitting up in the beds. A dirty blond haired male was on the floor, clutching his groin. Jeff stumbled back in the bed, gasping. Jack was barking his head off, glaring at the two other men. A tall, slightly tanned man with cobalt eyes, a smaller brunette with dark eyes. The brunette went to the ground, helping the dirty blond sit up.

"Gah.. Goddamn it!"

"Who.. are you?" Jeff asked.

"T-Ted!" He still held his nuts, groaning softly.

"Cody, you bitch." The brunette glared at Jeff, helping the other man to sit up.

"Going out of my mind, but they call me Randy." The tanned man grunted. "Who are you?"

Jeff slowly edged out of the bed, reaching his hands down to fix his clothes and to fix his hair. "I.. Uh. My name is Jeff. Jeff Hardy." He smiled softly, then glanced down at Ted. "And I'm sorry for kicking you. It's just what I always do when someone touches me the wrong way."

"We're.. good.." The throbbing ache was finally starting to leave his body. Ted breathed out, resting his head in Cody's lap. The brunette lightly stroked his hair, murmuring to him. He glanced up at Jeff. "What are you doing in our home?"

Jeff looked down, then around. Jack had stopped barking, laying in a dirty pile of clothes. "You really live here? It's a mess!"

"Our house bitch quit."

Cody glared at Randy softly, then glanced up at Jeff again. "We don't really have time to clean.. We work in the mine across the way."

Ted gave a soft groan, lifting his hand up. "You can clean the house, we'll let you stay here. And no more kicking me in the balls!"

Randy picked up Jack from the pile of laundry, holding the canine up and towards Jeff. "And tell your mutt to stop yapping." Jack gave a little growl, leaning up a little more to lick at the man's chin. "Aw, go away."

It looked like Jeff had found a home, a decent one for the time being.

Back at the castle Vickie was primping back in front of the mirror. She ran a comb through her hair, singing to herself. Birds were slowly dying, falling from the sky. "Teddy.. Oh, Teddy.." She sung. "Teddy!"

"What now?"

"Look what Dolph brought me back!" She held up a hunk of multi-colored hair, smiling in victory. "The hair of that former beauty! Now, Teddy darling. Who is the fairest one of them all?"

"Oh, girl. I hate to tell you.. Well, not that much. Bleach blond tricked you. That's not the hair of the beauty. Jeff Hardy is still the most beautiful. Oh and Dolph's havin' an affair with your chambermaid Kaitlyn."

"AAGHAGAHHAGH!"

Back in the forest Jeff paused with his folding of clothes. What in the world was that? Jack lifted his head from the warm shirts, wagging his tail slightly. "Must be nothing, Jack-Jack," Jeff shrugged, setting the shirt aside.

"Bye, Jeff."

Randy paused right before he left, motioning the little male to come over to him. "Now remember what we told you. Don't open the door to anyone and do not let anyone inside. Get it?"

Jeff nodded. "Alright. And besides.. I have Jack here to protect me."

The dog gave a bark, wagging his tail with another bark.

Just a few hours later Jeff had completely cleaned the entire cottage and was finishing with the dusting. He pushed open a door, humming as he moved.

"Why, hello.. My not so pretty!"

Jeff turned around. Standing at the door was a slightly hunched over woman, a cloak covering her. "Why, hello. Who are you?" He asked curiously. He was to nice to be rude.. And all thoughts of Randy's warning now flew out the window.

The woman smiled. "Why, I'm just the little old woman who lives down the lane." She glared at Jack, who had begun to bark at her.

"You don't look very old."

"Why, thank you!" She removed her cloak, revealing herself to be Vickie. The Queen had put on a blond wig, and some makeup to hide her looks. "I've had some work done." Her expression quickly changed. "I mean.. I've brought you a little something.." She held out a basket full of apples. "For you.." She held one out.

Vickie nearly giggled with glee as Jeff took the offered apple. What a fool... An apple dipped in poison and sure to end this so called beauty. Jeff took a bite, nibbling it softly. "Mm, it's delicious!"

Vickie frowned. Wait.. "Damn it, wrong one!" She began to dig through the apples, trying to find the right one. She stopped. "Um.. May I see that for a moment?.." She edged closer into the house, reaching to take the apple back.

Jeff handed it over willingly. "There we go."

"Thanks!" Vickie suddenly smashed the apple right over Jeff's head, the male falling right to the floor. Jack nudged at his owner, trying to wake Jeff as Vickie cackled, leaving the cottage.

Jeff had been laying there for hours, Jack still barking and barking. His owner just wouldn't wake up. The little canine nudged at Jeff, whining softly. When he heard a noise outside, he ran out quickly.

"Aw, come here.." Cody knelt down, lifting up the puppy to hold him. "What's wrong, boy?" He asked as they headed inside of the cottage. The three of them stopped. Ted blinked, staring at Jeff. "Whoa. Babe passed right out on our floor. Ow! What?" He rubbed his arm, where Cody had smacked him.

"It's like a Justin Bieber concert in here." Randy commented, ignoring the strange looks that were sent his way. He knelt down, gently nudging at Jeff to try and wake him. He didn't move. "Well, there's only one thing we can do now."

"Go for help?"

"No, idiot." Cody frowned at the comment. Randy gave the body another nudge. "We get rid of the evidence."

Which was a few minutes later, Ted was pushing a wheel barrel through the forest, Jeff's body laying in it. Jack was curled up on top of it, whining softly. Randy and Cody followed behind quickly. "Right here?"

"Works for me."

Ted jostled the wheel barrel, dumping Jeff right into a pile of grass and flowers. Jack leapt down, barking up at them. "Easy, pup. We put him in a soft spot." Randy grunted softly. "Come on, boys. We gotta look for another maid."

Walking in another part of the forest was another group, a blond haired man called Jason or Jay and another man, also blond haired and tall. He was known as Prince Adam. Famous for being handsome and a bit of a playboy to some.

He dragged a branch along, smacking it against the tree as they walked. "Come on, Jay. Go find me a snack, hunt a squirrel."

"I'm your best friend, Adds, not a damn servant." Jay rolled his eyes. No, a servant would actually listen.

Adam suddenly tripped, laying face first in the dirt for a moment. He lifted his head, spitting out a bit of dirt. "Ugh.. What'd I hit?"

"A body."

"No, really Jay."

Jay knelt down beside his fallen friend. "No, I'm serious Adam. It's a body and a puppy."

Jack opened his eyes, giving his tail a little wag. He climbed on top of the fallen prince, wagging his tail a little more. Adam spit out more dirt. "Jay. Get this fucking dog off of me!"

Jay laughed. "C'mere, mutt. Get off of the cranky chipmunk." He picked up the little animal, carrying him with him to take a seat. Adam lifted himself up slightly, staring down at the body. Well, well.. Soft, cute.. She looked beautiful. "Hmm.. Babe passed out in the woods. What am I, stupid?"

Adam moved over a bit, leaning over Jeff. "How does that story go.. Wake with a kiss?" That must have been it. Adam leaned down, pressing his lips softly onto of Jeff's. "Mm.. Mph!" For his trouble, he received a sharp knee in the groin.

Jeff gasped, opening his eyes wide. He sat up a little more, turning his head a few times to look around. Where was he? "The woods again? Oh, come on!" He finally noticed Adam rolling on the ground. "Who are you?"

"In pain!" Adam grunted, finally turning over to look at the mysterious maiden. "Who kicks someone in the groin?"

"And what were you trying to do?" Jeff crossed his arms, ignoring Adam's question with one of his own. He stood up, brushing off his skirt and shirt.

Adam finally stood back up, wincing as he rubbed the front of his pants. "I was trying to wake you up with a kiss!"

"Oh." Jeff blinked. He blinked again, looking to the side with a little fluff. "Well.. You are kind of cute, so I guess it's alright.. I'm Jeff.." He held out a hand towards Adam, the blush darkening with the tall blond grinned at him.

"Jeff.. Well, I am Adam. It's nice to meet you.." Adam took his hand, kissing the back of it. Jeff giggled, looking down. "So.. You wanna live happily ever after with me.. After I see a doctor about my boys?"

"Well.. Okay!" Jeff moved closer to Adam, smiling up at the older male. He slid his arms around his waist, holding onto him with another sweet smile. He nuzzled his face close into Adam's chest.

Well, that was easy. Adam winced a little at the still throbbing pain he felt, but wrapped his arm around Jeff's shoulder.

In her castle Vickie was dancing around, her arms wrapped tight around Dolph's neck. "Oh, Teddy! Now, tell me who is the fairest and most beautiful of them all. And remember.. I have a hammer over there." She warned. Dolph groaned, trying hard to get away from the woman.

Teddy rolled his eyes, but managed to force a smile. "You, Vickie. The most beautiful of them all. Smart, pretty.. thin.." Oh, if it kept her quiet, who gave a care, right?

"Why thank you, Teddy!" Vickie released Dolph, making her way over to the basket of apples that still remained. She picked one up. "You know I stay in shape, careful of what I eat and all." She took a bite, a look of horror crossing her face "Uh-oh." She suddenly hit the ground, the apple rolling from her hand.

Both Teddy and Dolph blinked. Dolph went closer, giving Vickie a soft nudge. "Vickie? Yoohoo, Vickie?" He gave her another nudge. She didn't move.

"Playa, she's dead. Ding dong, the bitch is dead!" Teddy sung with a laugh.

Dolph laughed happily, turning and practically running for the door. "Kaitlyn, she's dead! Finally!"

And they all lived happily, happily ever after.