Panic Attack.
I do not own these awesome characters,…. If only!
The Soldier blinked rapidly as the roaring memory of bloody screams, shredded flesh and pleas for mercy slowly dissipated before his eyes. His blurred vision began to clear as hot tears trickled down his cheeks. He took in a gasp of air, lungs burning from lack of oxygen and heart pounding in a way so different then physical exertion.
Panic….. Panic Attack,… Flash-back.
Terminology used by Sam, the man with metal wings, to describe these strange memory episodes that left him completely breathless and shaking. He felt his gut clench in dread at the sense of lost desperation and vulnerability that was completely unacceptable for Hydra's Asset. He would be punished for loosing focus and control of the situation, for malfunctioning and jeopardizing the mission.
But….No…No that was,… this is…..
"Bucky?...Your okay,… just breath Pal!"
The Soldier recognized the voice of his Handler, The Captain, aka Steven Grant Rodgers. He could see the man's hovering form through his blurred vision, wet and distorted. The Captain was near, coming closer as the Asset heard himself choke out a distressed cry before bringing his metal arm up to protect his head.
Foolish….Senseless…..He would comply….He required maintenance,…. Order through pain…..and then recalibration…But…..No,….no….no…no,no,no,no,no,no…
"Нет,…. больше крови,….. крика, ….Больше нет." (No,…. No more blood,… the screaming,…. No more.)
Steve was taking slow, careful steps toward Bucky who was gasping for breath, voice horse and broken from behind his arm as he curled tight against the wall of the common room floor at the Avengers tower. Behind him Natasha stood back several feet offering translation of the whispered Russian plea. Next to her Clint had his hand on his tranquilizer gun but still in the holster, both former SHEILD operatives watching with calm alertness. From across the room in the kitchen, Tony and Bruce shared wary glances then looked over toward the doorway where Sam appeared but did not cross the threshold. Jarvis had alerted everyone only moments before when Sargent Barnes had stopped breathing, his heart rate increasing rapidly.
Steve exchanged a concern glance with Sam who gave him a steady nod of encouragement, The VA counselor having educated the other Avengers on how to safely approach the POW when he was having a Flash-back followed by a panic attack. It was heart-breaking to watch his metal stability becoming more erratic as his mind began repairing it's self after so many years of dissociative numbness and adrenalin fueled violent aggression. For 70 years Hydra had used psychopharmacology and other, more sadistic and savage methods of mind control to manipulate their Asset into obedience. Now, after more than a month of docile compliance and, vacant eyes, the Soldier was unraveling, his mind fracturing into pieces that left him gasping in confused panic on the floor, mumbling in Russian as he shook.
Steve crouched down just out of reach of Bucky's metal hand as he again spoke in English to his traumatized friend.
"Bucky,….Your safe,….. No one here will hurt you." Steve promised, his voice strong despite the lump in his throat. He lowered to his knees and opened his arms, palms up, waiting for his friend to realize he was not a threat. It felt worse than being shot, watching his best friend, a man who he had always admired and deeply respected, now a twisted, shattered ghost who was tormented by his own mind. It made him feel sick and hot with rage but also desperate with compassion and a need to protect and help heal his broken brother in arms.
The Soldier's whole body was tense with anticipation, waiting to be struck with a baton or shocked with an electric prod. In that moment of terrifying confusion and disorientation, his mind was frantic and jumbled while his body reacted on instinct, somehow knowing that pain was the only certainty. He trembled as he hyperventilated, feeling hot and cold all at once and desperate for relief from the pressure on his chest and the migraine behind his eyes that were still leaking fluid he scarcely recognized as tears. He was trapped, unable to escape and his Handler was there to discipline his uncooperative Asset and force him to comply. Perhaps most upsetting was his fear, his very desire to escape and avoid punishment for malfunctioning.
Why was this happening? Why could he not just comply? Why was the blood and screaming so much louder and vivid in his memory then when he had been on the mission?
He didn't know. Didn't understand his own mind, and why he felt so out of control and overwhelmed. Every nerve in his body was raw, his senses hyper aroused and thoughts racing as he struggled to get enough air in his lungs. He wanted to beg for relief from this hell but the very impulse to want made him sick with terror and desperate to comply.
But…. But…there's so much blood,…..and the screaming,….
It was no longer dominating his senses but was instead a haunted chorus, echoing in his ears and turning his gut. With a shattered cry, he pleaded for deliverance and offered his submission as he forced himself to crawl toward his Handler, eyes squeezed tight and breathing chocked with sobs.
"Я буду подчиняться,… просто сделайте это,….. пожалуйста."( I will comply, just make it stop, Please!)
The Soldier was going to suffocate, he couldn't breathe, and his heart was going to explode out of his chest. He collapsed in front of his handler with pitiful whimper between gasping breaths, reaching up with his metal hand to grab the Captain's button down shirt, as he opened his tearful eyes that shown bright with raw turmoil and devastating pain.
Steve gently embraced the Soldier with his own pained expression as he listened to Natasha translate what his panic-stricken friend was begging. He placed his hands in Bucky's hair and on his back as the Soldier curled over, face in his own flesh hand trying to hid. Steve didn't want him to feel trapped or restrained as he fought against the impulse to pull him in tight and promise everything would be alright. This was the third panic attack Bucky had suffered that week, each one more emotionally intense then the last and Sam had suggested that they were going to continue now that Bucky was remembering more and was no longer kept drugged up and subdued.
The Captain had hated the quiet, vacant, complacency the Soldier had worn for the first few weeks after he was brought in by SHEILD. The moment Director Fury contacted the Captain about the Soldier's apprehension, Steve had raced to the SHEILD base and demanded he be released into his custody. There was heated arguing and threats made, the Avengers trying to convince Captain America that the Winter Soldier was dangerous and needed to be evaluated by SHEILD Psychiatrist. However, Steve would not budge and looked them all in the eye with serious intent as he explained that he was leaving the SHIELD facility with Bucky that very night and would not pull any punches if needed. It was not a threat but a genuine declaration that was begrudgingly accepted with the condition that he be confined to the secure residential levels of the Avengers tower under constant supervision.
Despite everyone's initial reluctance and apprehension, they all soon realized that without specific orders the Soldier was not prone to violence and he seemed more confused and lost then aggressive and menacing. Stark had begun to joke that the Asset was like a house plant with hardware. That joke, made only a few weeks earlier was no longer amusing as the Soldier's healing brain began to connect long severed synapses, his memories coming in violent flashes with intense emotions he had long forgotten and didn't know how to identify. It was Sam who took on the lead role in educating the POW on feelings and self-awareness. Together with Dr. Banner, he was still trying to get the former HYDRA Asset to understand personal consent and self-agency. It was extremely difficult for Steve to recognize that Bucky looked at him as a Handler instead of as a friend, a realization that came as the Soldier only addressed him as Captain and rarely spoke with the exception of asking permission to use the restroom or to answer a question. His eye contact was mostly down cast or off in the distance and when he did look at Steve it was with curiosity at best and with suspicious uncertainty at worse.
"I need you to breath Bucky….. I've got you,…Your gonna be okay,…" Steve attempted to reassure his distressed friend, hoping in his panicked mind he could understand English. Bucky was shaking and chocking on his breaths as he tried to comply with the Captain's order to breath. He let out a pained wail as he let go of Steve's ripped shirt and used his metal hand to hit the side of his own head, trying to fix his own malfunctioning mind.
"No,…NO!...No hurting yourself Buck!" Steve reacted quickly as he grabbed his metal wrist and used his other hand to lift Bucky's tear streaked face that was contorted in pain.
"Eye contact Steve,…. Try to get him back to here and now." Sam offered from the door way, with a calm and direct tone.
"And remind him he won't be punished." Natasha added with a sigh, understanding more than the others how HYDRA's conditioning kept their Asset following orders. She had read through a great deal of the Russian Hydra files that SHEILD had uncovered and was translating them into English upon Steve's request. She had confided to both Clint and Sam earlier that week that despite Steve's insistence that he needed to know and understand what Hydra had done to Sargent Barnes, she was worried that learning the ugly, twisted specifics of Hydra's horrific cruelty and barbaric forms of manipulation and coercion would only magnify the guilt and heart ache the Captain was drowning in.
Steve swallowed down his own grief as he took their advice, shifting himself and Bucky so he could keep the Soldier's metal arm pined under his own arm, using both hands to hold his face, brushing away the wet strains of hair and tear steaks. Bucky's flesh hand gripped Steve's bicep with intensity as he continued to gasp for breath.
"Look at me Bucky….. Open your eyes,… your safe,… I am right here." Steve gave the gentle order and was met by two blue eyes that pierced his heart with the magnitude of their pain and need.
"Captain,….. I am … malfunctioning… I require maintenance,… please….. I… I will comply… Sir,…..I…" Bucky was stuttering in English as he struggled to maintain eye contact and breath as ordered.
He was failing,… He was not compliant… he would be punished….
"It's okay Buck,…. Your mind is just healing,…. I am going to help you,…" Steve tried to console with tender words, his hand massaging through Bucky's tangle of hair as he continued to stoke his cheek with his other thumb.
"You….. will help me….Order through Pain…. I am being punished… I will comply." Bucky let out a broken sob of surrender, knowing how completely pointless it had been to ask his Handler to make the panic stop. This was not Hydra and so they used other methods of conditioning, ways to reinforce his obedience and compliance. He wanted to stay with the Captain and the Avengers but he thought that perhaps the panic attacks were in some ways far worse than if they had just beat him or used electricity. He wanted to comply but he didn't understand protocol at this new organization who had acquired him. His inability to fulfill their expectations, the sad, disappointment he saw in his Captain's eyes must be the reason they were inflicting the panic attacks on him.
"No,….. God Bucky!... No,…. Please look at me,….. just look." Steve couldn't take it, the idea that Bucky thought his panic attacks were somehow punishment inflicted by the Captain. Steve's own blue eyes teared up as his calm composure cracked and he franticly held both sides of his friends face, eyes locked.
"You are not being punished,….you are in pain because you are hurt,…. Hydra hurt you,… for so many years Bucky,…. They hurt you and made you hurt others,…. And they wouldn't let you remember or feel or think,…. They treated you like a machine,….. a weapon,…. But you are NOT A WEPON!... You are not malfunctioning,….. you are just hurting,… and I wish I could stop your pain Buck,…. God I swear to you I would do anything to stop your pain….But it won't last, it will get better,… I promise it will get better,….. the pain will stop Bucky!" Steve's strong words trembled in his throat and the Asset heaved a broken sob as he pressed his own flesh had over the Captain's palm that held his wet face. The Soldier's eyes searched his Handler's trying to comprehend his words and what they meant. He was not being punished. The Captain wanted to stop his pain but could not. He was not a weapon. He was in pain and having panic attacks because he was remembering. Memory was hurting him. He was becoming erratic and unstable. He needed to be wiped.
"Captain,…..the maintenance chair,….. it will wipe away the memories,….. it will stop the pain…Please." The Soldier gasped out with hopeful eyes that begged for relief as he continued to pant and shake in Steve's grip.
The Captain's jaw dropped in shock at the request and he let out his own pained cry as he shook his head and gave into his impulse of pulling Bucky protectively into his arms in a desperate, crushing embrace, terrified to let go.
"NO!...No Bucky… never again!... You're never going back in that chair,…YOU HAVE TO REMEBER,….. you just have to remember who you are Buck,….. I'm sorry your in pain!... God please understand,…..please understand… Bucky,…. It will get better,….. it just takes time,….. that's all,….. you have to heal Buck,… please,… please… You NEED TO REMBER!... I can't loose you Bucky,….. not again!... Never again!" Steve was crying, and it was the first time he had sobbed openly in front of the others, always hiding away when he had felt depressed or disillusioned, secretly hating SHEILD for waking him up in a foreign world so he could once more be a useful soldier. But now, kneeling in the common room, surrounded by his team mates, he wept as he held his best friend in his arms, crying for all that had been lost and stolen from them both and the misery of just trying to live and exist after so much pain. Steve's eyes were squeezed shut as he held Bucky tightly in his arms are refused to let go, his own ragged sobs mixing with Bucky's panicked gasps.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, Sam crouching to his left, then Natasha came over on his right and lay her self against them both, her hands stroking through both brunet and blond hair. From across the room Clint watched with a compassionate sigh and Bruce wiped his own eyes as Tony leaned over the counter, feeling helpless and humbled by the emotionally devastating display love and despair. None of them thought this would be easy, helping Cap's old BFF get deprogramed and regain his former identity, but the emotional impact was greater than they could have expected and only now that they were seeing the always calm and in charge Captain stripped bare, his grief exposed, vulnerable and desperate to help his friend, did they all realize what was at stake. They would need to all come together, as a team, as a family to help heal and recover what had been lost in the snow 70 years ago. Only then would Sargent James Buchannan Barnes and Captain America get the peace they both so clearly deserved.
…
Later that evening, Steve sat next to Bucky on his bed, holding his hand and adjusting the cool gel compress Bruce had given him to help with the migraine that followed the intense Panic attack earlier that afternoon. The Soldier blinked groggily up at his Handler who offered him a small, reassuring smile under dry, red eyes, puffy from crying. Both men were exhausted, emotionally drained and once Bucky had calmed down from his panic attack he had needed help walking, his limbs clumsy and loose, vision unfocused from a splitting head ache that made him nauseas. Steve had gotten him back to their shared apartment and held him over the toilet as he got sick and then helped him clean up in the jacuzzi tub. When he had first brought Bucky to the tower over a month ago, The Captain had been worried about respecting his friend's privacy but after taking care of Bucky for the past several weeks he no longer worried about modesty and instead was only focused on helping his friend heal, and feel comforted. Bucky was struggling just to stand and Steve knew the Soldier needed his support and care as he was hardly coherent after his earlier panic.
"Captain?" The Soldier whispered in a horse voice.
"Yeah Buck,… I'm here." Steve soothed, gently squeezing his hand with a nod of confirmation. The Solider licked his lips and took in a deep breath, eyes dropping as he tried to find his words through his muddled, overloaded mind.
"I…The Chair,… I don't…I don't…" Bucky pouted in frustration at his own inability to voice his thoughts, struggling to combat his conditioned programing and express himself. He knew that Steve would never hurt him and he was starting to recognize the differences between a friend and a handler but he was still more confused than anything and when overwhelmed with panic, all he could remember was pain and deep, dark dread.
"It's okay Buck,….. take your time,…" Steve spoke softly even as he bit his tong, wanting to tell Bucky that the Chair was never an option and that hearing Bucky request it to be used on himself for maintenance made the Captain sick inside and furious. The Soldier blinked back up at Steve, studying his face before finally fixing his gaze on their joined hands and willing himself to speak again.
"I don't…. The chair…The chair is not useful…..to achieve….. the mission objective." The Soldier spoke with a submissive tone, mumbled as he stared hard at his hand clasped in his Handler's grip, half expecting to be reprimanded for speaking but also reminding himself that Steve wanted him to express himself and Sam had specifically began to help him identify his wants and needs. He did not want to go back in the chair, not really. He wanted to remember, to once more reclaim himself as James Buchanan Barnes. But during the panic attack he was just desperate for it to stop and in that moment of weakness he craved the blank numbness that settled over him after the fire and pain of the chair. Recognizing his own weakness and vulnerability made him feel hot with shame as he closed his eyes again and swallowed. Steve watched his friend's reaction and tried to consider what his words meant, the message between the lines of Hydra programing.
"What mission objective Bucky?" Steve asked softly as he stroked his friend's hair, concerned but also desperate to better understand his friends fragmented mind and the distorted logic he was using to relearn himself away from Hydra but still to a degree under their control.
"Mission Objective:… Become Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, AKA Bucky Barnes….. Objective will be achieved once… memory of previous identity… and personality….. have been successfully retained,… and… The Asset will no longer function according to Hydra protocols for expected behavior ….. and compliance." The Soldier whispered his self-assigned mission objective that he had decided the day he saw his own face in the museum at the Captain America exhibit. He still had his eyes squeezed tight and only flinched slightly when Steve once more placed his warm palm on his friend's face, turning his head slightly to direct his gaze.
"Look at me Bucky,…. "The Soldier took in another shuddered breath and opened his eyes to see Steve's smiling, kind face, so full of a genuine desire to help him that it almost took the asset's breath away. Steve nodded, stroking his cheek.
"Not that you need my approval,….. but that is a good mission,….. And I will help you achieve it…. I will be here with you even when it gets hard and when it hurts to remember…And the chair will never be used on you ever again… The chair hurt you,….. Hydra hurt you,…. I want to help you deal with that pain,….. because it won't just go away Buck,… but you are so strong,…. And so brave pal!..." Steve offered with fresh tears in his eyes but a smile on his face. Bucky swallowed as words came to his throat, spoken with apprehension and uncertainty,….. a question he didn't rightly understand but seemed to be a puzzle piece that the Captain would identify and help him understand.
"Till the end of the line… Steve?" The Soldier asked, using the Captain's name for the first time since he was found. Steve's mouth dropped open in shock for the second time that day but this time with joy and desperate hope. He grinned at Bucky and leaned down, resting his head to his friends temple.
"Yea Buck,…. Till the end of the line!"
Finshed,…. Just a little angsty one shot!