Chapter One: Introducing... THE EVIL RABID MONKEY OF IMPENDING DOOM!

Chapter Written by: Pinky

Summary: Read the title.

Warning: The chapter ahead is very stupid and will probably result in the loss of more than a few IQ points.

Once upon a time, there was a castle. And in this castle, there was a cage. And in this cage, there was an evil rabid monkey of impending doom that both Professor Trelawney and Hagrid were fighting over. While they were screaming (imagine Hagrid screaming...) at each other, the monkey unlatched the sucky latch that Hagrid made, and crawled out. He was looking for food, when he saw a boy with a gob of red hair and a girl with an afro walking out of a giant painting of fruit, holding food. He decided to follow them until they dropped something. Purely by accident, the evil rabid monkey of impending doom stepped on its own non-existent tail, and squeaked, causing the tall ugly boy with red hair and the short even uglier girl with an afro to turn around.

"AAAH! WHY IS THAT MONKEY STALKING ME?!"

"Calm down, Ron, it's not just a monkey, it's an evil rabid monkey of impending doom! Isn't that fascinating?"

Ron felt like smacking Hermione's overly bushy hair.

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! THE POINT IS THAT IT'S STALKING ME!"

Hermione's poofy head wobbled.

"You should be very honored, Ronald! Did you know that clans of naked mole rats worship it?"

"But what if I don't want the bloody evil rabid monkey of impending doom to be following me around?!"

"Well, you'll have to deal with it!"

Ron howled like a dog on steroids when the monkey attached himself to Ron's leg. He howled like a dog on steroids and crack when Hermione attached herself to Ron's other leg.

"This is great, I have an evil rabid monkey of impending doom on my leg, and a girl with an afro on the other. How the heck am I supposed to play Quidditch?"

Suddenly, Harry came along with a POOF of pink and green smoke.

"Oooh, Ron, you've got a very pretty evil rabid monkey of impending doom on your leg! Can I touch it?"

"Uhh... Sure?"

"Oooh..."

Harry reached out a hand to touch it, when suddenly it bit his hand off.

"Oh, Ron, your evil rabid monkey of impending doom just bit my hand off! That's so cool! And I think I have rabies now! Awesome!"

"GOD! ISN'T ANYBODY IN THIS PLACE SANE?!"

"Uhh... No? Heyyy, can I touch the monkey again?"

"Sorry Harry, no more touching the monkey. I have to go to... Um... Quidditch practice! Yes! See you around!"

"But I have to come too, remember? I'm your seeeeeeeeeeeeker, seeeeeeeeeeeeeker!"

"Fine, come. But don't bug me!"

From his legs, Hermione yelled,

"Hey! I'm stuck! I can't get off your legs! Don't you dare fart, Ronald Weasley!"

The evil rabid monkey of impending doom screeched, as if agreeing.

Ron ignored both, and ran towards the changing rooms. He then swung the leg with the evil rabid monkey of impending doom over the broom, and hopped on. Harry was already off the ground, and in the air, flying in uneven circles around the three goalposts, and singing the theme song to "Kim Possible". Hermione covered her ears.

"OY! Harry! Cut that out, people are going to think you're gay!"

"Call me beep me if you wanna reach me!"

Now Ron was covering his ears. Colin Creevy was being his usual creepy self and snapping pictures of Harry calling and beeping people while spinning around in circles on a broom, and Ron with two weird looking creatures dangling from his legs.

"Hermione, shut him up or something!"

"Okay! Petrificus totalus!"

Alas, she had not realized in time that the hand holding her wand was nearly up Ron's pants, and so she had frozen his er... whatdoyawannacallit, causing Ron to screech at Hermione, and for the evil rabid monkey of impending doom to shut his ears.

"HERMIONE! YOU JUST FROZE MY WHATDOYAWANNACALLIT! AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE AN AFRO!"

"Well, excuse me, but flying does that to my head. And I'm sorry for freezing your... Er... Whatdoyawannacallit, but it couldn't be helped."

"COULDN"T BE HELPED?! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU MEAN, IT COULDN' BE HELPED? UNFREEZE IT THIS INSTANT!"

Suddenly, Harry flew into a goalpost while screaming,

"RON! YOUR WHATDOYAWANNACALLIT IS FROZEN!"

"Gee, Harry, I didn't know that! Thanks for letting me know!"

Harry's eyes went wide.

"Really? You didn't?"

At that moment, Harry's large head got stuck in a goal.

Ron temporarily forgot about his frozen whatdoyawannacallit, and flew over to get Harry's head out of the hoop. Colin's camera was flashing. Harry was still singing.

"I'm your basic average girl, and I'm here to save the wor-"

"HARRY! SHUT UP!"

From underneath, Hermione piped up,

"Yes, Harry. It is really very dreadful for your vocal chords to be singing when your head is lodged inside a hoop."

"But I wanna sing!"

"No, no singing, Harry. Hermione, reach your arms around the pole, and push Harry's face out of the hood. We've gotta get him outta here before he damages the hoop. Got it?"

"Erm... Maybe...?"

"Good. Now do it. I'll pull his legs. One... Two... Three! PUSH!"

When Ron pulled on Harry's legs, all that came off were his stinky sneakers, and Hermione, while valiantly pushing Harry's face, was getting her hands cut up by his braces, which JKR conveniently forgot to mention were there.

"Okay, try again."

Ron dropped the stinky and smelly sneakers on Colin Creevy's head, where they killed him on the spot from the sheer stinkyness and smelliness of them. The he grabbed back onto Harry's stinky and smelly feet.

"Harry, this time, shut your mouth, so Hermione's hands don't get all chopped up."

Harry shut his mouth and attempted to say "Yes sir" at the same time.

"Good. Now, one... Two... Three! Now!"

The effect was dramatic, to say the least.

Ron, who was pulling on Harry's stinky and smelly feet, pulled apparently a bit too hard, and the whole goalpost came down, crash landing Ron, the evil rabid monkey of impending doom, and Hermione's legs on the ground.

Hermione was doing an amazing act of amazing bendy skills, and was still holding onto Harry's head and had her legs still wrapped around Ron's at the same time. Of course, all good things must come to an end, so Hermione's hands flew off of Harry's face, and she snapped back over to Ron's side of the post.

Just as the pole crashed to the ground with a very loud crash, the evil rabid monkey of doom bit Ron's leg before running away and tripping over its non-existent tail.

"Well, so much for not damaging the goalpost."

Ron's leg was quickly turning green, and fell off. Hermione was still attached to his other leg, and Harry's head was still stuck in the hoop. After getting over the shock of his leg falling off, and realizing that he was going to die, or fart, he cheered. Maybe, he could fart and die at the same time, and therefore piss off Hermione with both factors! Yes, that was it. So, he farted, very loudly, in Hermione's face, and the last thing he heard before he died was Harry singing,

"Call me beep me if you wanna reach me!"