Chapter 1

The flicker of the lighter played on his hands as he lit the joint. He has woken up again drained in sweat from a nightmare as usual at 2:30. He always woke up in 2 or 3 hours whenever he went to sleep, and then he always smoked one. It wasn't tasty… at all. Actually he hated the taste but it did help a lot, not just to him. The hideout had been growing cannabis for years in the cellar since one of the members had suggested that it is "Damn good for PTSD" as he put it. It was illegal of course but then again this place was a bloody hide out, it's existence and everyone's in it was illegal. Since 9 out of 10 here were male they nick named the place Josei, the Japanese for women. Nobody really felt home here though it was a sort of home and a sort of family.

As he exhaled the smoke he looked around the moon lit room, it was neatly organized, everything is at it's proper place expect from his cloths from the night before, that was thrown carelessly on the floor… he will picked that up tomorrow. He has arrived back exhausted form training and that was all he could do to take a shower. Tomorrow was another mission, he just got back from the previous one 2 days ago, but if you made a living this way, you never had a lot of free time and that was good and right cause it helped you not to think. Thinking was downright cruel at this point. He has killed or helped to kill so many times now and tomorrow he will have to do it again. Turning off emotions was now a second nature; there was no choice about it. He realized he has become almost a non-human thing, whatever that was, when he no longer remembered all of their faces. But there were faces he could never forget and those would come back to haunt him, he knew and that was all well and right, he deserved it. He had reasoned with himself during countless sleepless night that it was all for the right cause, all for the greater good of peace, but what the fucking hell was it really, the greater good?

2:32 ever since he was 4, since he has seen war for the first time, He remembered his father saying "this is was son…" and looking at the cold battle field with all the dead and the dying, bringing one water and after that a second later, the man who he had helped trying to cut his throat. He was fighting back his tears with all his might, not to disappoint his father… his only goal has been to end it, to end the violence, to bring peace, and acceptance to this god forsaken world. He has abounded the illusion that it was possible… Now all he wanted was to protect the village which despised him, and the brother who hated him. That night something has broken him forever. He did what he did for this idea, to save more life in the expense of a few… A precious few… Though, apparently, precious only to him… and his little brother. What was Sauske doing now? It's 2:35… hopefully sleeping not troubled by all this, but then again today was Itachi's 20th birthday… His little brother was sure to curse this day. He was probably burning with heated and vengeance towards his big brother now. Itachi played imagining Sauske making a woodoo doll out of him and burning it. The thought put a bitter smile on his face. He put out the reminder of the cigarette.

He remembered that up until his 14th birthday his mom used to make a delicious cake, with tricolor-ed dumplings as toppings. This was unorthodox strictly speaking but then again who the fuck cared. He imagined his father's proud smile and his way too practical gift, and his brother running towards him to give him a birthday hug, and then taking Izumi to a tea house and chat the late afternoon away. And Shisui promising him he will carry him home and hold his hair if he had too much sake, though strictly speaking he should not have tasted it yet. These were bitter thoughts almost heart-breaking but it has been 6 years since then and the strong emotional oppression had it's effect. This were the only moments he felt anything … remembering them… but he never liked to feel, it made everything way too complicated.

2:40 he better go back to sleep now, but can he do that? The circles under his eyes were already enormous, and was giving the impression of an old sickly man. Though to be honest he did feel old and sickly …

On the morrow they will travel to a territory he has never been to, it was almost comical he thought to himself how much he has not seen of this world. It was the year 2092 according to the Christian calendar, at least that if what he has heard of the old man a week ago. He told him things about the world he has never knew, and which really got him thinking. According to the old man, the world was not always like this, secretive, closed and for want of a better word local… He told him above a glass or two that there was a time when trade, finance, labor almost flowed without boundaries, that it was easy to have friends from all over the world, from different countries and that people lived in relative peace. According to the old man, of course his tale has to be treated with care, for all Itachi knew the old man's memories of his youth, might have been deceiving him. Any way what went wrong the old man did not know exactly, he has talked about nations being afraid for their cultures, religions and fear of the different has brought about a series of terror attacks and a war. Officially he did not know who won but in reality nobody did, the world went far right and the end was, genocides, xenophobia and almost completely isolated small nations which never got in contact anymore. He knew the land of the Wind, Mist etc. alright but they were one country once, part of Japan, which apparently used to be the name of a country. He guessed the name of their language must have come from there. As it seem that was the world Itachi knew now. If he accepted this as true then the world has come maddeningly close to what he wanted for it only to go as far from it as possible. Today war was a necessity, almost like a commodity, without it the economy and whole social classes would perish. His social class would, the shinobi world, then again it would not be a bad thing as far as he was concerned.

2:45 Ha has heard a sudden violent shout, and a bang. People granting, struggling and silent mummers. Deidara woke again, Sasori will soon bring him the marijuana and the place should be silent again soon enough. The whole place could qualify as an insane asylum he reflected, with a bitter cynical smile, nearly everyone here has one or more diagnosable mental problem. It might do good for most of them to bring a therapist here but he knew the therapist would not last for long and even if he did no therapy could heal their scars, it was just way too deep, he reflected.

2:50 He lent back onto his pillows and lay there lost in thoughts. A crow has landed on his window perch, casting a shadow in the moonlight.