A/N: So this is starting out as an experiment, but may become more. Basically, I like to write humour and this is gonna be a big compilation of scenes parodying different movies/tv shows/books using ER characters. Also there may be a few sort of…sketches….based on what happens when the names of ER episodes are changed oh-so-subtly. EG – Skating away, ER on ice. If the first part goes well, then I'll update every so often with a new batch, which I'll put into a new chapter. Remember though, I'm in the UK so am depressingly behind.
So have fun reading, and please review and tell me what you think. Also, if there's anything you'd like me to parody, then tell me and I'll try m'best aaaaand if you liked any of the parodies in this chapter which you'd like me to do more of, tell me in you review and if I don't hate the idea too much I might do another scene or something. Plus you get to read my cute little intros with the writers for all the things, what more could you want? ;-)
Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the ER characters.
This week we take a look at how Lord of the Rings might have been had Tolkein been an obsessed ER freak, or even just Orman (and for some reason Charli gueststars, no idea why…I wrote this AGES ago, but take it as a compliment maybe? And pretend I don't make you out to be an alcoholic ;-)) Then we see a scene from ER pretending to be Grease, and here's a secret folks, I like Grease right now, so expect more scenes from it. Then to finish off we take a look at Skating Away ER on ice. (which, by the way, is VERY long because I got a little more into it than I could have imagined. Don't expect it every time ;-) )
Lord of the IVs – a too long intro
(ER head office. Wells and Crichton (ye olde gang) are sitting at a big table with papers spread out all over it. Orman runs in, wearing a Lord of the Rings t-shirt and skipping slightly.)
Orman: Wellsy! Crichton! I'm baaaaaaaaack.
Crichton: (leaning over to Wells, in a stage whisper) I thought you said he was gone for good.
Wells: (whispering to Crichton) I thought he was. (To Orman) Jack! What a lovely surprise! How are you?
Orman: (going to sit down) Well I just thought I'd drop by, because, well, I've got an idea and I couldn't find anyone who would put it on television, so I thought I'd come by and ask.
Crichton: No! Make the man go away! Just as I had everything ready to return to the Luby-land of all good! (Sobbing) Don't let him ruin it.
Wells: (sighs) Well I guess just listening to his idea couldn't do any harm.
Orman: Exactly. Now, you see, I was watching Lord of The Rings last night….
Crichton: Here it goes. I can see it, slipping away from me in front of my very eyes. All the chances of LubyLoveLand, the only theme park to rival Disney, any chance of that, gone.
Orman: Anyway…I was watching it and there was this voice in my head talking to me
(flashback to Orman sitting in the dark in an armchair, watching Lord of The Rings on his big television. A little known fact, but this was where all his ER-money went to. Charli is hiding behind the armchair, looking all very inconspicuous.)
Charli: (in an evil, oh-look-I'm-haunting-you, voice): Jaaaaack. Jaaaaaaaaaack.
Orman: (scared): Who said that? Who's there?
Charli: It's the voice in your head. The unexplainably feminine voice in your head.
Orman: What do you want from me?
Charli: Your beer. (she sighs when she sees Orman running to the fridge) Jack! That was a joke. I'm here as a, uh, messenger, uh, from, uh, Tolkein. Yeah, from Tolkein.
Orman: (in shock) What does he want from me?
Charli: He wants to you to base an episode of ER on Lord of the Rings.
Orman: But I don't work for ER any more. I left them so that they could turn it all into a Luby cookpot of 'good'. They said I could have half the profits from LubyLoveLand.
Charli: This is more important, Jack, Tolkein needs you. Don't let him down.
(The crdits roll)
VoiceoverGuy: The ER has changed over the past years. Characters have been and gone, love has blossomed and died. It began when the magic IVs were brought into the hospital due to funding. Three were given to doctors whose names began with a 'L', known as the Lves, (ha! Geddit?) , the prettiest of the doctors. Seven were given to the Surgeons, the smartest, yet rudest race. And nine, nine were given to all the other ER doctors, the most common race, Within these IVs were the fluids to save even the illest of patients and so causing the owner to become a powerful and well known doctor, a great honor.
But they were all of them deceived, for deep in the land of OB, the evil Anspaugh created another IV and into the IV he poured (literally) every single drop of blood he could find, which had been so kindly donated by the kind people of Chicago. One IV to rule them all, and one by one the patients of the hospital fell to the power of the IV, but the doctors resisted. Perhaps the years at med school had built up a strange sort of resistance, but at last an alliance of normal ER doctors and Lves marched against the armies of OB nurses, who hardened by their years of delivering babies and were surprisingly difficult to beat. And in the cold ER waiting room, there was a great fight for the freedom of the ER. Victory was near, but the power of the IVs could not be undone.
It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Frank, great ER receptionist, took up his friend, Jerry's sword. And so Anspaugh, enemy of the patients of the ER was defeated.
The IV passed to Frank, who had this one chance to destroy all evil and disease and…stuff…forever, but the hearts of receptionists are easily corrupted, and prone to heart failure as it happens, but that's another story. So the ring betrayed Frank to his death. He was attacked by a walking hot-dog and died on an operating table, and so the IV was lost in the mess under the operating table.
And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. For two and a half thousand years, the IV passed out of all knowledge.
Until, when chance came, the IV ensnared another bearer. A creature which we call Dave found it when he slipped on bodily fluids and ended up underneath the operating table. He took it deep into the depths of trauma 1, where it consumed him.
The IV gave to Dave unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Trauma 1 it waited. Darkness crept back into the rooms of the ER. Rumor grew of a shadow in the parking lot, whispers of a nameless fear, and the IV of Power perceived that its time had come. It abandoned Dave, but then something happened that the IV did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable, a'once featured on ER as a med-student', (commonly known as Sobbits, because, well, nothing relevant actually rhymes with hobbit), Harper Tracy , for the time will come soon when Sobbits will shape the fortunes of all.
Grease – Med-school drop out
(Crichton and Wells sit around a conference table, looking through paperwork in an attempt to look busy. Wells waltzes on in wearing a bright pink Grease t-shirt which he stole from Kess' bedroom one night. Winkwink. )
Orman: Guess who's flying over to England to audition for Grease in the west-end!
Crichton: You mean you're finally leaving for good?
Orman: If I get the part. (He sees Crichton flicking through his address book) What are you doing?
Crichton: I'm sure I have a friend somewhere in the west-end. If I phone him now I might be able to talk him into giving you the part.
Orman: (smiling toothily at Crichton) Oh if that isn't the sweetest….Wellsy, isn't that cute?
Wells: (looking through magazine, having dropped all pretence of being busy and important) Adorable.
Orman: I can't believe you'd do that for me. I thought you hated me.
Crichton: I do. (coughs But sometimes a guy's gotta give his ex-writing buddy a good sending away present.
Orman: Oh, so was that why you bought me an island near the North Pole when I left ER?
Wells: (Turning the page in his Cosmopolitan magazine) No, that was because he thought you might go live there for the rest of your life and finally leave us alone. I think we all did. Who was to know that you'd drop by once a week with muffin baskets, huh?
Orman: (smiling wistfully) I guess I just miss this place, that's all. Leaving here was like going away and leaving a limb behind. I had no idea…
Crichton: Say Jack, (he winces) buddy, what time does your flight leave?
Orman: In half an hour, I'd better get going (he smiles while his heart is breaking). Bye you guys.
(Neither looks at him, but both keep flicking through respective magazines and mutter a few words of goodbye. He leaves smiling sadly at the ground, hand shoved in pockets. He shuts the door behind him and Crichton and Wells breathe a sigh of relief, thousands of carbies around the world cry into Kleenex tissues. A few seconds later he walks back in with a few construction workers from outside. Together they pick up the conference table and walk out the door, it looks like Orman wanted a momento.)
(About two hours later, Crichton and Wells are sat on the floor with their magazines, it seems that Orman took their chairs too. Orman bursts in the door, looking slightly ruffled and maybe a little drunk)
Orman: Well I was on the plane when I had a thought. (Crichton bashes his head against the wall, will Orman never leaaaaave?) Crichton's getting me the part in Grease as a going away present, what are you getting me Wellsy?
Wells: Well, I never really thought about it….
Crichton: (stand up, looks menacing) You came all the way back for that? Couldn't you have sent a letter?
Orman: No, I could never do that, it seems like you guys have everyone writing letters around here. But anyway, less about how you so cruelly split up my babies and more about my present. See I was thinking on the plane, whilst watching Grease and I thought that it would be oh-so-perfect if you could base an episode of ER on Grease in my honor. (Crichton faints, Wells sighs)
Wells: On one condition. (Orman raises an eyebrow and nods) You finally leave for good.
(Abby sits in the empty ER waiting area, she's wearing sunglasses and we've magically jumped back to the beginning of Season 10 and Carter's just gone back to the Congo. For some reason, mostly for my writing purposes, the entire place is deserted, she stirs her coffee and spills it over her scrubs, as if by magic Haleh appears and sits down next to her.)
Haleh No use crying over spilt coffee.
Abby: I'll be okay.
HalehYou know, it's near closing time.
Abby: (looks at Frank in amazement) Since when did the ER shut for the night?
HalehI'm not sure, but that's what it says in the script, look… (he gets out his script and they look over it. Somewhere in England Orman snarls. They jerk back into character)
Abby: Do you mind if I stay? (thinks for a minute) I swear I saw this entire dialogue in Grease the other day.
HalehYeah, I know, I talked to Wells about that. Apparently it's just a going away present for Orman, it doesn't have to be good.
Abby: So Wells just took the dialogue from the Grease script? Wow, that's low. I always kinda liked Jack.
(Wells walks on set, clipboard in hand)
Wells: Look, can you just read the damn script? (Haleh and Abby mumble something that sounds like a mixture of 'yes' and 'no'. He glares, and they nod, looking slightly pissed off. He walks off, waving his clipboard in the air.)
HalehDid anyone ever tell you that wearing sunglasses inside's bad luck?
Abby: It is? I thought that was opening umbrellas.
HalehIt is, it's just that this script is really bad. (Cue snarls from offstage.)
Abby: I guess phrases like that happen when people can't be bothered to write good going away presents for their friends. (The snarls turn into the sound of clipboards being thrown at something solid. Abby sighs and takes off her sunglasses)
HalehWow, your eyes look like someone murdered their flatemate's cat with a steak-knife and poured the blood into the sockets of your eyes to hide the evidence.
Abby: Huh?
HalehThey're red.
Abby: Oh, right.
HalehBut tune in after ER to see a new episode of Jerry Springer: Cats gone splat.
Abby: There's uncontrolled advertising in this too? Sometimes I think I should just write the scripts myself. (Carbies and MoHos worldwide raise beer glasses in approval. Just as Wells is about to march onstage, she jerks back into character.)
Abby: Yeah, I've been crying a lot. I think I just Carter's just left me. (she puts her head in her hands and sobbing noises are heard. Offstage Wells shouts that that wasn't what he had intended in the script when he wrote that Abby looked disgruntled. He suggests she buys a dictionary.)
Haleh Oh honey, it's okay.
Abby: I just…our whole relationship wasn't what I expected it to be.
HalehNothing ever is.
Abby: Yeah, I know. I'm sure I'll find someone better, what do you think of Luka?
HalehYou're too young to know.
Abby: But it isn't just that John's left, I don't think I wanna be a nurse anymore, but I don't wanna go back to med-school. Maybe I could join the circus. If only I had a guardian angel to tell me what to do.
HalehIf you find him, give him my number.
(She leaves and Abby is left alone. She stares into the distance and as if from nowhere Frank appears, wearing wings made from leftover gloves from the OR stitched together. He stands on top of some chairs and a lot of light suddenly focuses on him.)
Frank: (singing) Your story's sad to tell,A nurse who's not done wellMost mixed up non-med-student in the ERYour future's so unclear now.What's left of your career now?Can't even get a trade-in on your scrubs (About five female doctors from the ER dance around Frank singing backup. They wave scalpels in the air and pout seductively. Frank looks confused, he doesn't want them, he wants Abby.)Med-school dropout, no doctorate for youMed-school dropout, put down the scalpel and made doWell at least you could have taken time to really stop that drinkingAfter convincing yourself that Carter could help you stop sinking. Baby, get moving.Why keep your feeble hopes alive?What are you proving?You've got the dream, but not the drive.If you go for your MD, you could join the doctor's clubTurn your nursing job and go back to med- school. (Frank goes to sit next to Abby and puts his arms around her. She stares at him and edges away from him.) Med-school dropout, hanging around the whole ERMed-school dropout, it's about time you knew the score.Well, what are you doing here?Dating all the doctors.You'd think you would have stopped after what happened with Luka. (Abby looks offended, but after a minute's thought, nods and goes back to trying to get away from Frank, who seems to want to hug her.) Baby, don't sweat it.You're meant to be much more than a nurseAnd don't forget it.You can be oh-so-more diverse.Now your boyfriend's goneI'm so right-onAnd still the world is cruel.Give up those nursing shifts and go back to med-school. Baby don't blow it.Don't put my good advice to shame.Baby, you know it.Even dear susan'd say the same. Now I've helped you hereDon't worry dear.I really gotta run,Gotta go give some kids crayons.Med-school dropout, go back to med-school. (He sprinkles glitter-dust in Abby's face and she gives him that "my god, creep, what the hell are you doing?" look. Yeah. That one. He rushes off to curtain three to attend to the kids and she sighs, and takes a sip of her coffee which, because of Frank's distractions is now cold. G-reat.)Skating away – ER on ice
(Orman sits on a deckchair on the beach of his island somewhere near the north pole, frozen cocktail in his hand. His boat floats in the water, very broken and so by the looks of it he's stuck on the island. Deep in the heart of a conference room, Crichton watches him on a big screen, cackling evilly. Orman, it seems, has left him forever.)
Orman: (teeth chattering while he speaks) I wish guardian angels existed, I wish someone up there would come and save me. (plane flies over him above, driven by an army of carbies, with a rope ladder dangling out of, for him to climb up. The rope ladder hits him on the head and, completely oblivious to this rescue attempt, he glares at the plane and goes back to sipping on his frozen cocktail) People these days. (He sighs. The Carbies, feeling rejected, fly off, leaving him alone.) It's ironic…I spent the best part of my time writing for ER trying to convince Wellsy that ER on ice would work and now? I'm surrounded by ice, but with no ER. (he sighs)
Hna(appearing from his deckchair) Who says you don't have any ER?
Orman: Who…who are you?
HnaMe? I'm a fan.
Orman: Oh, that's nice…how did you get here? I thought I was alone here forever.
HnaYou were, but when the Carby rescue-attempt plane flew overhead I decided to grab a parachute and come join you.
Orman: (blinking) Carby rescue-attempt plane? What plane?
Hna(explaining slowly) The one with the rope ladder?
Orman: (slowly realizing what she's talking about) Which hit me in the head! (he looks distraught for a minute at missing his chance of being rescued, but he's distracted by Hna positioning plastic ER action figures on the ice.)
HnaI brought you ER…so you could make Skating Away happen.
Orman: Well no offence… (he looks at the back of her England rugby shirt for a name) Mrs Jonny Wilkinson, but they're not all that realistic, how can I make an episode using them?
Hna(still recovering from being called Mrs Jonny Wilkinson) You…uh…you don't have to. They're just for you to play with, and to eat if we get that hungry over time. You need to create it in your mind Jack, let your mind loose and create.
Orman: I can see it! I can see it! Thank you Mrs Jonny, if there's anything I can do…
HnaYou could marry me.
Orman: You want to be Mrs Jonny Orman?
HnaMrs Jonny Wilkinson-Orman (she sighs dreamily, he sighs in desperation.)
(Suddenly we see what Orman sees, a skating rink lit up with fairy lights. Heartbreaking violin music plays and Luka gracefully skates onto the ice and pirouettes. This would be a greatly swoonsome and beautiful moment had he not chosen to wear a pink tutu. Just as he's in the middle of a complicated looking jump, the music changes to something more upbeat and the doctors and nurses of the ER skate onto the rink. Luka can be heard shouting about how they ruined him 'moment' over music, which the doctors and nurses dance around and jump to until it slowly fades out. The scene changes to look like the ER, only…It's on ice. )
Susan: Luka, can you take my patient in curtain 3? And while you're at it…change out of that tutu, it's distracting the patients. (Luka is suddenly very aware of the looks he's getting from the female patients, nurses and doctors…and some of the male ones too. He's wearing pink tights with the tutu and they're just a little on the small side. Susan begins to walk away)
Luka: Susan! (she turns back to face him) I…thought we were doing an ice show.
Susan: We are! Look at the ground Luka…we're on ice. What did you expect? Tacky dances?
Luka: Well yeah, I think I did.
Susan: Oh, you didn't get the memo? I thought it got sent off to everyone…the nurses made a petition.
Luka: Another one? Why are all their petitions out to get me? I can't help being wonderfully gorgeous and sexy. (Susan starts nodding, but then catches herself and coughs, clearing her throat.)
Susan: As, uh, gorgeous as you are, it didn't stop the fact that the nurses refused to wear tutus.
Luka: Spoilsports. So everyone else got the memo?
Susan: It looks that way. (Luka sees Gallant enter in a tutu and matching too-small-tights. Luka raises an eyebrow at Susan, who looks increasingly embarrassed.) Well…apart from Mikey, I just…I couldn't resist. A girl's gotta have her fun, right?
(Luka walks over to curtain 3, and finds that he can't keep his eyes off Gallant, he never noticed that he had such nice calves. Luka attends to the old lady in curtain 3)
Luka: So what's wrong?
Old Lady: I slipped on the ice outside. I must say, that's a very nice…tutu you've got there.
Luka: Thank you…I made it myself (he smiles a dazzling smile at her)
Old Lady: (suggestively) Why, you must be very good with your hands young man.
Luka: (oblivious to her…flirting) Yes, I am. I had to sew all my clothes growing up, but now I'm more of a professional type. I only sew with the best fabrics, and for the best people. Only last week I sewed costumes for the entire Romanian figure-skating team.
Old Lady: You did?
Luka: Of course, but…and this is sad to say…I'll never be able to sew again, I ran out of money for fabric and (he eyes up her purse) I have no idea where I could possibly get that six thousand- nine hundred dollars I need for my next job.
Old Lady: It must be terrible
Luka: It's worse than terrible, I'll never be able to sew again…and…(he sobs) my hands will lose their strong and muscley appearance.
Old Lady: Oh dear, oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear (Luka exhales loudly, but restrains himself whilst she continues) Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh…
Luka: For the love of God! Please, I'm begging you, shut up and give me the money.
Old Lady: Excuse me?
Luka: (He sighs) It isn't like I've never accepted money from a dying old woman before…
Old Lady: I'm dying?
Luka: Yeah, when you hit your head on the ice outside it caused a tumor which had been growing in your brain to rupture and you'll be dead in approximately (he looks at his watch) five-point-two minutes, so enough about you, and more about me, and what you can do for me. Believe me, I know where this conversation's heading, you'll say how sorry you are for a few minutes and then reach into that purse of yours and write me a cheque and thrust it in my face, which will in turn prompt me to lie through my teeth and say that I can't accept it, causing you to force me to by throwing it at me and telling me that its your dying wish. Now, taking into account that you now have four and a half minutes to live, let's skip the small talk and that'll be six thousand- nine hundred dollars. (he holds his hand out, palm facing upwards) Actually, you know what? Just sign your name and I'll write the amount in for you once you've flaked out. (she reaches into her purse) Come on lady, clock's ticking (he looks at his watch) only three and a half minutes left (he makes clock-ticking noises, whilst she gets out a cheque and signs it for him and holds it out to him, which he accepts.)
Old Lady: Doctor, please, tell me, is there any way of stopping the pain?
Luka: (staring at the cheque in wonder, stroking it a little) I'm sorry….what?
Old Lady: When I die… is there any way to stop the pain?
Luka: (looks shocked for a minute) You're dying? I hope that won't stop your bank transferring money into my account.
Old Lady: You told me that I was dying…
Luka: Oh..right…that. Yeah, well, I may have lied a little.
Old Lady: A little?
Luka: Yes, only a little, you have a tumor in your brain, but it isn't going to kill you for a while.
Old Lady: Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh…
Luka: Please. Don't. I can't stand the noise.It was a joke. I finally make a jokeon the show and it doesn't get laughed at?
Old Lady: Maybe that's because it wasn't particularly funny.
Luka: It wasn't?
Old Lady: No….but don't you worry about that young man, I still find you attractive.
Luka: (he grins smugly) Well I guess it's hard not to…
(Cut to Abby doing a dance around an operating table whilst a young man is being operated on. It seems that our dear Abby skated as a child and has found this the perfect opportunity to show off her skills. She spins and twirls, making everyone in the room very dizzy. She realizes at the last moment that it has made her dizzy too and falls over. Luka rushes in to save her, but Carter skates in and pushes him out of the way.)
Carter: HEY!! No one's allowed to save Abby but me! Me me me ME ME!
Luka: Carter, buddy, I thought you were in Africa.
Carter: So you took this moment to jump in and steal my opportunity to save my Abby dearest?
Luka: I just thought….wait a minute…didn't you break up with her?
Carter: (blushing) So…?
Luka: Didn't Wells show you the contract?
Carter: What contract?
Luka: The one you signed.
Carter: I didn't sign a contract.
Luka: Long thing? Looked like a letter? Contained the word "unfettered"?
Carter: Ah…that thing.
(Wells runs on with it, hands it to Carter and runs off. He knew he shouldn't have fired the prop guy, it means that he has to run on with essential items.)
Carter: (reading from the page) "I…Jing-mei Chen… break up with Greg Pratt and promise to have awkward, tension-filled moments in which his attraction to me is more than obvious and…" Hey! This is the wrong contract….
(Wellsy runs on again with another contract, which he swaps with the one in Carter's hand, mumbling about how he never realized how hard life was for the Prop Guy)
Ah, here we go. (he reads from it) "I, John Carter break up with Abigail Lockhart for no apparent reason other than to raise ratings and to provide future storylines for my character…also because stuff's unfettered. No it's not, you little weirdo Orman. Yes it is Crichton. No it's not Orman. Yes it IS. No it's NOT. Guys, guys, coming in here to tell you that being all cool and…Wellsy…I think we should let Orman have his poetic bit in the contract because otherwise he'll stop bringing us mini-muffins. Don't be so easily swayed Wellsy. They're good mini-muffins Crichton…." (he stops reading) Does this ever finish?
(Wells runs on with another page of the contract and hands it to Carter)
Wells: There you go. (He looks at it, and then snatches it back from Carter) Sorry, I assumed they'd have finally shut up by page fifteen. (he flicks through some pages, being momentarily worried about the scratch marks on some of them and finally finds page thirty-two, named 'The one where everyone finally shuts up'. He hands this to Carter and rushes off, yellow pages in hand, ready to hire a new Props Guy)
Carter: (Reading from the contract) "Finally, Orman's gone. So where was I? Ah yes. I promise that in the event that the ratings begin to fall I can have a romantic reunion with Abby including flowers and good music. Until then, however, I am excluded from any rescuing or lengthy bantering with her. Signed…John Carter." Well who would've thought, huh Luka? (He looks around and doesn't see Luka) Luka?
(He looks down and sees that Abby is gone from her spot on the ice, he assumes that Luka must have taken her away and rescued her. Not even considering that she may have just got a cold ass from lying on ice during Carter's little recital and got up and walked away. The lights darken, suddenly Orman runs on…he's about to say something to Carter when Dan the Props Man appears and looks at him angrily)
Dan the Props Man: Hey, you, doormat, or whatever you're called, off the ice. No one but me is allowed to rush onto the ice anymore, it's a little bonus for having to sit behind set with props all the time. So off with you… (Orman doesn't move) NOW!!
Orman: (looking thoughtful) Say…could I give you something to give to Carter? (Dan nods, and so Orman rips off his shirt…just for his adoring fans who had been asking him to do so for quite some time….well actually there were only a few of them…but they sure asked a hell of a lot. But anyway…he rips off his shirt and scrawls a message on it for Carter, then gives the shirt to Dan, who gives it to Carter who reads it out loud whilst Dan and Orman make their exit…Orman asking Dan how he got into being a Prop Man while he exits.)
Carter: "The ratings are down … GO GO GO!" (He looks bemused…but then the ice fogs up and he hears the voice in his head)
The voice in Carter's head: I wonder how I learnt to skate, I never took lessons. No. Wait a minute…I think I remember something…in the contract…"I promise that in the event that the ratings begin to fall I can have a romantic reunion with Abby" (It takes a while, but eventually he realizes and Skates Away Carrie's note: hehehe….whaaaaat? It's funny. No Carrie, it isn't. It's 1:03 in the morning…that's what it is and you should stop writing drivel and GO TO BED. Hah! And I was making fun of the voice in Carter's head. Well not so much making as poking. Wooooah /turtle dude from Finding Nemo I'm sidetracked. Just a quick not note to say that my episode titles don't come as if from nowhere. to find his Abby and hurt not-so-his Luka. Cut to trauma 1 where Luka is holding an icepack to a groggy Abby's head.)
Carter: Get away from her you swine!
Luka: Hey, you've got a girlfriend… and a baby on the way, she's mine.
Carter: And you've been making hokey-pokey with Sam…what's your point?
Luka: What about the contract? You don't get to rescue Abby.
Carter: Oh I beg to differ…one word…" in the event that the ratings begin to fall"
Luka: That's not one word!
Carter: Stop changing the subject! My point is that ratings are down a little…therefore I can rescue Abby…and (he listens to Orman feeding information into his suddenly-appearing earpiece) your contract said that "By breaking up with Abby I accept that Carter can have her and ratings must be virtually non-existent for any reunion or kissing"
Luka: But rescuing isn't mentioned. So there.
Carter: Ah, but you gave her mouth-to-mouth which was completely unnecessary as she was clearly awake…which is deemed to be kissing, therefore you are in breech of your contract. You mean, mean pig who…(Carter blinks at what Orman is saying through the earpiece and chooses not to repeat it)
Luka: Ahh…but virtually non-existent…I can work with this virtually…
Carter: You don't get to argue, you don't have Orman in your earpiece feeding you information and so you will always LOSE. Give up now before you embarrass yourself in front of the lady. (Luka hangs his head in shame and leaves. Carter goes to stand beside a groggy, lying-down Abby) Abby, are you okay?
Abby: Yes…I'm fine, thank you for rescuing me.
Carter: Just consider this our reunion…
Abby: But I thought that…
Carter: Ratings are down, it's allowed.
Abby: (pouting) But where's the flowers and good music? (Dan the Props Man rushes on and throws some flowers and them and Orman sings "Let's get it on" from offstage. Abby smiles dreamily at Carter, and he holds his hand out to her.)
Carter: Please, may I have this ice-dance?
(Carbies worldwide awwwww in unison as Abby takes his hand and they dance together on the ice, with a spotlight on them. Suddenly they're dressed in outfits embedded with sequins and it's oh-so-clear what Luka spent the not-so-dying Old Lady's money on…fabric to make outfits for the entire ER cast from the smallest non-speaking part to…well…Luka himself. Maybe he's not so bad after all. The cast of ER form a circle around the dancing Carter and Abby, facing outwards…and bow to the not-so-there audience. Carter kisses Abby and roses are thrown onto the ice by the imaginary audience as Orman's singing ends. 1..2..3…AWWWW)
(Later…Jack the Cleaner Lad Orman, if you hadn't got that is on the ice, sweeping the roses and popcorn buckets away, talking to himself)
Orman: Dan the Props Man is so sweet, getting me a job here and all…I can't wait to see Crichton and Wellsy's faces…I can talk to them all day…sweeping up their mini-muffin wrappers (he sighs). Tonight's show was great…wasn't it imaginary audience? (Carries's note: Whistle while you revieeeeew…lalalalalala…) I especially liked the ending…I'm still waiting for those calls from agencies to come in asking me to sing for them and make them money. I think my phone's just…busy. Yeah…that's it. No one could resist me. No one! (He sings) Ohhhh….baybeh…let's get it on.
Next week we see "Look at me I'm A-a-bby" and much more. Any suggestions are more than welcome.