I know I've another story hanging but I just wanted to get this story out of my mind. Right now, I'm going through a phase of emotional conflict and some of my experiences - I've written here.
It's a sad story with no romance. So, read at your wish. My humble request, No flames please.
I don't own anything except this story-line. It is proof-read and I apologize in advance for any minor typos.
PLEASE DO READ AN IMPORTANT NOTE AFTER THE STORY.
Long Distance Relationship is never easy. Insecurity is like an annoying fly buzzing right in the ears. No matter how many times it's shooed away, it'll come back to irritate. Just before dropping into the world of such a relationship, there's a certain confidence in both the parties that their love would be as strong as ever – even through irregular texts and untimed phone calls. Not once will one consider that they might become a burden to their partner they've loved for so long. Not once would their trust be breached.
Now, sitting in the darkness, with his cell phone clutched in his sweaty palms, Matsukaze Tenma waited for the first message of that day, from his boyfriend, Tsurugi Kyousuke.
They've made their decisions and promises of love when they had to part. Kyousuke left for America with his brother, Tsurugi Yuuichi. As promised by Gouenji Shuuya, aka, Ishido Shuuji, Yuuichi would be operated so that he could walk again. For that, they had to leave. Kyousuke and Tenma found happiness in the one year they dated during school. The ride was terrific yet craving at the same time. Kissing and touching were their favorite pastimes though they had been too shy to have sex.
Now, three years later, Tenma didn't feel that spark anymore. Their love was dwindling rapidly, like a candle flame that's run out of wax. Kyousuke didn't reply to his texts anymore, nor did he call at least once a day. They were drifting apart – Tenma knew that but he couldn't avoid a certain truth – Tenma fell harder than before. In the three years they've stayed apart, Tenma only loved Kyousuke more.
Just a few days ago, maybe a week prior, Tenma confronted Kyousuke regarding the growing distance between their hearts though the distance between Japan and America remained the same as ever.
I've no feelings towards you anymore – Kyousuke texted back to him.
There were times, one year after they parted, to be precise, when Kyousuke said the exact words to Tenma. They had many fights and Tenma was too demanding to Kyousuke's liking. Tenma wanted frequent chatting and Kyousuke never complained, not once. One day, he just snapped, putting all the blame on Tenma. Tenma wasn't just shocked at the accusations hurled at him; he leapt into a state of 'self-verbal-abuse'.
You're lying coz you think I'll be better off without you! Don't sacrifice me for myself, baby – Tenma texted back when Kyousuke said that Tenma will be happy only if they break up.
Tenma didn't understand then that Kyousuke really wanted them to break up not because of Tenma's happiness but because Kyousuke lost all the love he once harbored towards Tenma. More like, Kyousuke was traumatized by the idea of love and being bound.
I'll marry you and we can live together in America. Here same sex marriage is legal in some places – Kyousuke used to tell him so when they first started their LDR dating.
I'm so looking forward to living with you as your husband :* - Tenma used to reply.
Tenma never had anybody that fell for him – not a girl, not a boy other than Kyousuke. He wouldn't disagree that some of his actions had caused rifts in their relationship but not every single thing was his fault. Kyousuke had done things which left a void in him too.
Kyousuke never liked fights and Tenma couldn't sleep whenever a fight didn't reach a conclusion. Tenma wanted hours of conversation on phone and Kyousuke wanted peace and quiet. Tenma wanted to be on the top of Kyousuke's priority list but Kyousuke wanted to satisfy his brother and his new found friends. Both of them had their share of destruction but it was all on Tenma now – the reason Kyousuke lost his love.
It's not just you, I don't want to fall in love with anyone else or get married to anybody. My brother, my job and my friends – that's it. You could be my friend and I'll never let you go. I just don't want you as my lover coz you took too much away from me. I lost all the happiness I've had for the past 20 years. These 2 years were a torture to me. You want too much of what I can't give – Kyousuke didn't text these words to Tenma. He had the audacity to tell him on phone.
Tenma only hated himself more, not Kyousuke.
He changed right then. He stopped asking for more and he never even asked for less. Tenma stopped texting Kyousuke whenever the latter was out partying with his friends. He stopped calling him for anything and never answered Kyousuke till the man texted him. He stopped pestering Kyousuke for video calls too…
Why won't you call me?! – Tenma screamed angrily.
I didn't want to call. I'm not in the mood also – Kyousuke answered.
What's that? I only asked for one call a day, right? Can't you even do that? – Tenma was beyond furious.
I'm not a machine, okay? I hate these timed calls. You want me to talk for hours on end and I hate that! I will call when I want to, if I'm in the mood and talk for a bit. If you're not fine with that, it's not my problem! – Kyousuke yelled, shocking Tenma.
Fine, then! Let's not call each other anymore! Don't call me. – Tenma cut the phone and assumed Kyousuke would call him back but, he never did. So, Tenma rang him up and a big fight ensued once again, regarding calls.
Those incidents had been in the past, when he was immature enough. Tenma tried his best to change but by then, his actions drove Kyousuke away. From then on, no matter what he did, no matter how many times he tried to make Kyousuke fall in love with him again – it was never enough, never successful.
Tenma tortured himself with the sweet talks they used to have. They even talked 'dirty' to each other. When Tenma was convinced that Kyousuke didn't love him anymore, all those false paradises broke apart yet he futilely tried to rebuild them so as to feel pain.
I'm tired of pretending that I love you, Tenma. I know you changed, I can see that – I can feel that. But, please, it's too late now. You were late – Kyousuke told him on the phone.
Too late? I am hurt too and if you say I'm late, then what about you? How many times have I asked for you to change? Even a bit… Have you? You didn't even try, Kyousuke – Tenma sobbed into the receiver.
I couldn't try because by then I've lost all the love. You know what I actually tried for? I tried to love you, Tenma. By God, I really did. But, I couldn't… I can't now. It's too much - Kyousuke's voice sounded tired and defeated to Tenma.
Then leave me. Just go away! – Tenma cried through tears.
No, I won't. Even if I go, within a day or two you'll be back for me and I can't refuse you when you cry for me. That's why, it's no use leaving when in the end, I come back to you. Two days ago, we broke up and now, you're here again, for me. It's a burden which won't leave me even if I don't want it. – Kyousuke said stoically.
Tenma could picture Kyousuke's face, as clear as the morning sky, with no love for Tenma. Those eyes which once had seen his every faulty place, those lips which once had praised his deformities, were now void of any emotion towards him. They were vacant.
Next month, it's my birthday. Stay as my lover till then. I've kept my promises till date… Now, I promise you that by midnight on my birthday, I'll let go of you. – Tenma made a deal.
Kyousuke scoffed, clearly not believing one word of what Tenma told him.
Kyousuke, believe me, I keep my promises – Tenma replied to Kyousuke's grunt.
Let's see if you can. But remember one thing, Tenma. If you hurt yourself or kill yourself, I'll follow you without hesitation. – Kyousuke said sternly and Tenma's heart skipped a beat in mock anticipation.
For me, why? You don't love me, right? What is it to you if I live or die? – Tenma asked.
I can't live with the guilt of your death because of me – Kyousuke said immediately and whatever tiny light of hope Tenma protected in his heart, the flickering flame, got put out at once.
It was his birthday right now and Tenma was waiting for Kyousuke to wake up. His reddish swollen eyes looked at the now lit smart phone screen for time.
20:00 – It read.
If it's 8'o clock in Japan, then its 7 in the morning in America, the time Kyousuke wakes up. Kyousuke made sure to wish Tenma at midnight, according to Japan's time. Tenma was in a dilemma regarding the time schedule of his promise. Should he follow Japan's time or America's time?
The one advantage he got was it was the start of Sunday for Kyousuke and he needn't go to work. Sunday was ending in Japan whereas it has just begun in USA.
Good morning – Tenma's whatsapp notification sound rang at the incoming message.
Allowing a smile to lift up his final hours with Kyousuke, he opened his account.
T – Good morning, baby, but night fell here!
K – Yeah I know. How was your day?
T – It was good. I met our school friends and we partied for a bit.
K – Oh! So you just came home?
T – Been a while.
K – Hmm
And, that's it, their conversation ended abruptly. Tenma knew it was time to let go.
"Four hours," he whispered to himself.
T – How's Yuuichi-san?
K – He's good. Slowly getting habituated to run now.
T – That's great!
Though Yuuichi knew about their relationship and supported them, Tenma knew that he wouldn't help him. Kyousuke and Tenma broke up a month ago and he told his brother that 'love' was a burden so they broke up. Tenma hoped that Yuuichi would drive some sense into Kyousuke's brain since he too had a lover. But, Yuuichi silently supported Kyousuke without commenting.
Tenma had no one to talk about his break up with Kyousuke, except, maybe Shindou Takuto and Aoi. They had their shares of break ups too but they wanted Tenma to let go of Kyousuke. Since Kyousuke was their friend too, they supported him equally, like they did to Tenma. So, he stopped talking anything about Kyousuke to them. He remained all alone with his thoughts, losing all hope of somebody coming to save him from the jail he's created for himself.
It took him a great while but in the end, Tenma realized that there's no key for the lock he created for himself.
K – What else?
T – I'm going to block you tonight.
K – Why?
T – You know why. Besides, I can't change my number because it has become official. So, I can only block you.
K – Hmm
"Enough with the 'hmm'!" Tenma thought to himself.
The clock ticked and ticked as Tenma rolled and cried on his bed. The Darkness around him became darker. The air around him turned to poison. His cell phone screen blurred due to the tears in his eyes.
23:55 – the time read and for a moment, he decided to follow America's timings.
"You won't let go of me. It's a burden," Kyousuke's words echoed in his mind.
He decided to follow Japan's timings.
T – Kyousuke, I love you so so much. I'm sorry for not being able to give you what you wanted. But, these three years, I was the happiest. I wish you all the happiness in this world as I leave your life.
23:57 – It was time to let go. Tenma's thoughts lost all coherence.
'I must let him go. He'll be happy without me' was the only sentence playing through every nerve and atom of his body. This time, it was the final goodbye. He won't go back to Kyousuke and become a burden like he used to do in the past. He never made a promise but he made one now which he WILL keep by hook or by crook.
K – There's no happiness in my life anymore. I never missed you even when we broke up but this time, every time I hear the word 'love', I will miss you but I don't want a relation with you.
Kyousuke's words were so contradicting that Tenma couldn't help crying harder.
T – Yeah, I know. I will always miss you. Tell me if you get a new guy!
Tenma wanted Kyousuke to believe that he's 'okay' with their break up. He wanted it to be easy on him. He wanted Kyousuke to love again even after all this.
K – I won't. Love is not for me. But, if I do, by any chance, I'll let you know. Same goes for you!
T – You'll be the one to know IF I get one.
23:59 – The seconds ticked down. Tenma's heart raced faster than the fastest animal on this planet. His head hurt, his chest burned, his hands itched for something painful.
K – You could always be my friend, Tenma.
T – Nah! Not gonna happen. Goodbye, Kyousuke.
K – Hmm
T – Just say it and let's get it over with! – Tenma snapped, his patience wearing thin as seconds ticked down to 24:00.
K – Goodbye. I love you. Take care.
T – Have a nice life.
K – You too.
T – Goodbye.
Without waiting for Kyousuke's reply, Tenma blocked him in all the sites they can 'possibly' have conversation as the time slid to 24:00.
Their one year of dating together and three years of Long Distance Relationship finally ended. And, this time, Tenma knew that he won't go back to Kyousuke.
So, how was it? I hope I conveyed all the right kind of emotions.
NOTE -
I wanted this to be a one-shot but if any of you want me to continue this, leave a message in the review.
1. If you want me to go on, tell me how you want the story to progress further. I'll consider your iseas and extend the story-line.
2. If you don't want me to continue, do review on how the one-shot was.
Thank you and Bye.
~ Wheezy.