It was a normal day in the Shire. Hobbits picked their nose, scratched their butts, and practiced farting in harmony. They did this while extremely drunk and high, which was the Hobbits' specialty.

Young Frodo was reading Twilight. He identified with Bella; he had dark brown hair, was awkward and clumsy, and all the boys fell for him.

He looked up when he heard somebody singing "It's Raining Men". He ran to the road and saw an old man in a cart.

"Gandalf!" Frodo said. "I love that song!"

Gandalf laughed creepily and Frodo joined in with his high-pitched giggle.

"Young Dodo Baggins," Gandalf said.

Gandalf had called Frodo that for as long as he could remember. But Frodo was always too scared to correct him.

Gandalf drove away to Bag End and Frodo went back to reading Twilight. Gandalf walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. A melody that sounded suspiciously like "The Bilbo Baggins Song" played.

"I don't want to see anyone unless they're bringing bad news!" Bilbo shouted from inside.

"What about a very very very very old friend?" Gandalf asked.

Bilbo opened the door. "Gandalf."

They hugged and walked to the party together. Frodo was dancing the Puppet Master and small children were crying as they watched him.

After the Hobbits had gotten very drunk and very high Bilbo got up to make a speech. Most of it was impossible to understand, as he was slurring his words so much. But at the end, he vanished.

"Bilbo!" Frodo dramatically shouted, and fainted.

At Bag End, Bilbo snuck into his house.

"Bilbo," Gandalf said. "What a dramatic exit."

Bilbo looked pleased. "It was pretty good, wasn't it? But I'm going away now. I'm leaving everything to Frodo, including these sacky, baggy underwear."

"The Ring must stay as well," Gandalf said.

"I'll just put it in this pond of piranhas," Bilbo said.

"Bilbo," Gandalf chastised him.

"What about in this mousetrap?" Bilbo asked.

Gandalf raised one eyebrow.

Bilbo sighed. "Fine. I'll leave it in this sealed envelope."

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Fine."

Bilbo walked down the road, singing "The Bilbo Baggins Song".

"The cutest little Hobbit of them all," Gandalf sang along, wiping a tear from his eye.

Frodo ran into Bag End. "Sam had to give me mouth to mouth and Merry and Pippin had to pour a bucket of water over me before I woke up. Where is Bilbo?"

"He is gone," Gandalf said sadly. "He left you that sealed envelope and some underwear. I'm going now."

And Gandalf ran outside.

Frodo pouted. "How dare Bilbo leave! We were in the middle of a game of chess. Now I'll never know who wins!"