Title: She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not
Synopsis: Filler scene for "All The World's A Stage." What led up to Lee finally kissing Amanda?
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Scarecrow and Mrs. King, and the character's of Scarecrow and Mrs. King all belong to Warner Bros. and Shoot The Moon Productions. The plot of this story, however, is mine all mine! I did use the tag scene from "All The World's A Stage," in this story. No infringement is intended.
"I can't take this anymore. Why am I doing this to myself?" Lee asked no one in particular. He was lying in bed trying to sleep, but sleep refused to come. He couldn't get Amanda King out of his head.
He had been working with Amanda for three years now. She knew him better than anyone else ever had. She understood him the way that no one else ever could, and yet he continued to play this denial game with himself. He pretended that he didn't care about her as much as he actually did.
He was so afraid of getting hurt again, that he had built a wall around himself, so that no one could ever get close again. Slowly, Amanda had broken down those walls and without even realizing it, he had let her in. At first he had just let her in as a friend. As time went by their friendship grew stronger, until at last he considered her his best friend. That in itself scared the heck out of him. He was a loner. He didn't have any real friends. Oh sure, he did consider Billy and Francine good friends. Although he had known them for many years, he didn't have the same kind of friendship with them, that he had with Amanda. He had never had this type of friendship with anyone, not even his old partner, Eric. It scared him to be this close to someone, even just on a friendly basis. The few times that he had actually let himself acknowledge that what he felt for Amanda was much more than friendship, the fear had consumed him. He had backed off, stuffed his feelings deep inside and pretended they didn't exist.
There were two times in particular that made him face reality and made him realize his feelings for Amanda. One of the two times had been while he was playing the role of a burnt out agent. He couldn't even tell Amanda that he was undercover. He had to make everyone believe that he was really burnt out. Things had gotten out of control and he had slapped Amanda in the face. Guilt had overtaken him. The look in her eyes at that moment had haunted him for days. He had realized as she started walking to the door to leave, that there was no way he could let her leave like that. He realized that he would have done anything in the world at that moment to make things right with her again. He would have blown his cover if he had to. He realized at that moment, that he could not live without Amanda King in his life.
The second time was when he and Leslie were dating. Lee could see that Amanda was quite jealous of Leslie, that much was obvious. He had actually found it rather amusing that she was jealous. What he hadn't found amusing though, was that not only had he called Leslie Amanda once, he had called her Amanda twice. The first time had been after dinner. Luckily, Leslie had just thought he was talking about Amanda. The second time had been quite different though. He and Leslie were kissing, with the intention of things going further, when suddenly he had called out Amanda's name instead of Leslie's. Leslie had left, hurt and angry. Lee had felt bad, but it had made him come face to face with reality. While he had been in an intimate position with Leslie, he had called out Amanda's name, which meant he had been thinking of Amanda at that point in time. He had really done some thinking about that and had invited her to dinner the next day. Amanda had been quite surprised, because he was supposed to go to an embassy party with Leslie that night. When Amanda had pointed that out, he had just told her that Leslie had her own invitation to the party and wouldn't be lonely, because she was working anyway. He couldn't tell Amanda why he really wasn't going with Leslie to the embassy party. Since then, it was becoming harder and harder for him to deny his growing feelings for her. The funny thing was that Lee's job put him in constant danger. There were even a few times in which he had feared for his life. But these feelings he harbored deep inside for Amanda, scared him more than any bullet, knife, or criminal ever could. He realized that he had never felt this way about anybody.
Lee got out of bed. It was obvious that he wasn't going to get any sleep. He put on his robe, went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He then went into the living room, sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, hoping to get his mind off of Amanda. The first image that came onto the TV was a man getting onto a train at a train station. He laughed at the irony of it. There was just no getting away from his thoughts of Amanda tonight. Seeing the train station made him think back to when they had first met. He had to admit that something had drawn him to her. Out of all the people he could have picked to give the package to, he had picked her. There was just something about her that had made him feel he could trust her right away. Had he had feelings for her as soon as they had met? He didn't know. He began to think about all the early times and how times had changed for them since then. Back then, whenever he felt himself getting too close to her, he would give her "the speech." "The speech" mainly consisted of him telling her that they were in no way emotionally involved. Looking back, he wondered who he was trying to convince more, himself or Amanda. He hadn't given her "the speech" in a really long time. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, they were emotionally involved. Maybe they weren't emotionally involved in a romantic way, but she was his best friend and he considered that being emotionally involved.
Lee turned off the TV. He decided to go back to bed and try to get some sleep. He felt pretty tired now. He went into his bedroom, took off his robe and laid down in his bed. He closed his eyes. Amanda's face popped into his mind. "This is useless," he muttered out loud to himself. He couldn't get away from her no matter what he did. What was she doing to him? No one had ever affected him in this way. This seemed to be an occurrence which had been happening quite frequently this past year. He had had many sleepless nights due to thinking about Amanda.
Lee thought about their friendship. Besides having finally acknowledging the fact that Amanda had become his best friend, other things in their friendship had changed this past year as well. They were having dinner together quite often. It was Lee who was initiating these dinners. He found himself wanting to be near her all of the time, so he was asking her to dinner more often. He had taken her to her high school reunion just a couple of months ago. She wasn't going to go, but Lee had convinced her to go. He had wanted to be with her that night. He had wanted to meet all of her old high school friends, be a part of her life that he knew nothing about. The thing which he had done that even he himself was horrified by, was talking to Harry V. Thorton about Amanda. After he had left Harry's house, he couldn't believe the things that he had told him. He hadn't really been thinking about what he was saying, he had just said these things. He had told Harry that Amanda was beautiful. She was, but he didn't go around telling people that. The thing that he really couldn't believe that he had told Harry, was how wonderful her instincts were. His exact phrase when telling Harry that had been, "I'd follow her blind through a blizzard at midnight." He couldn't believe he had said that to Harry.
Lee sighed to himself and turned over on his side. He began to think about the other ways their friendship had changed this past year. They were starting to hold hands like couples did. In the beginning, Lee had only grabbed Amanda's hand when he was trying to get them out of danger, or when they were in a hurry to get somewhere. Recently he had found himself holding her hand just to hold it. There was no reason behind it, except that he wanted physical contact with her. It was becoming second nature to him. Something else that had never happened before, that had happened on a few occasions this past year, was that they had almost kissed. Of course, every time they had been interrupted. Although they had been interrupted, one of the times Lee had actually given Amanda a peck on the lips. They had had dinner at her house after the end of a case. Amanda's mother and boys were out of town at the time. After they finished dinner and finished doing the dishes, they were going to have dessert. Amanda had made a cake for Jamie's bake sale, and had made an extra one. She had cut slices of the cake for she and Lee and had made coffee. They were sitting on the couch, just about ready to eat their dessert, when Lee had looked up at Amanda and smiled. She was so beautiful. She had felt his stare and looked up at him. She smiled back and had put her cake plate down. Lee had followed suit. He had then said her name and she had leaned in like she was going to kiss him. Their lips had almost touched when Dotty and the boys had come home. Lee was not happy. Amanda had shooed him out of the house the back way. After she had put everything away, she had met him out on the back porch. He had grabbed her and brought her into his arms the moment she had come outside. They looked into each other's eyes and had both leaned in at the same time. Lee had given her a peck on the lips, and then pulled away. He leaned in to give her another kiss, but chickened out and walked away. He had regretted not kissing her again ever since then. Yesterday they had had another almost kiss, but of course had been interrupted. Lee was helping Amanda practice for the play she was the under study in, in the Q-bureau. In rehearsing, they had come awfully close to one another and Lee had leaned in to kiss her, when Francine had opened the door. Lee realized at that moment, that all of the times they had almost kissed, he had really wanted to kiss her. He was not happy about the interruptions. He realized that no matter how hard he tried to deny his feelings, they still managed to grow stronger.
Where did all of this leave him? Wide-awake at two o' clock in the morning thinking about how he couldn't play this denial game any longer. He was so in love with Amanda and had been for quite some time. That scared him. Everybody he had ever loved had hurt him, or left him in some way. He couldn't bear that type of pain again. But he was also unable to bear the pain of denying his feelings for Amanda. Look what it was doing to him. He was at the point where he had forgotten why he was trying so desperately hard to fight these feelings to begin with. He could go on like this, miserable, unhappy and lonely. He could continue to pretend that his feelings for Amanda didn't exist, but why? It was taking so much more out of him to deny his feelings, rather than to just acknowledge them. Amanda was so different from the women he usually dated. She was good for him. She was always there when he needed a friend, although he always claimed he didn't need anybody. She was loyal to a fault, was very strong, stood by him no matter what, stood up for him as well and in his eyes she was beautiful beyond all belief. He realized that if he went on like this, he could miss his chance with her. He knew he would regret that for the rest of his life. He also realized that he was at the point where he couldn't live without her anymore. He couldn't face life anymore without her by his side. So, what was holding him back then? There were a few things. He knew he was afraid of getting involved with her, falling even more in love with her than he already was and then losing her. He also knew it was because he had no clue if she felt the same way about him. What if she didn't? He would be devastated. When they had first met, he had thought that maybe she had a crush on him, but he wasn't sure. Sometimes, especially lately, he really felt like she did feel the same way, but at other times he just wasn't sure. He knew she cared about him, but how much? Did she love him the way he loved her? Could she live without him? Those fears had been holding him back for a long time, but now the fear of not knowing what would happen if he didn't at least try was stronger. He sat straight up in his bed. He knew the time had come. He absolutely had to do something to find out if she felt the same way. He didn't know what he would do, or when the timing would be right, but he knew he couldn't go on this way anymore. This was tearing him apart inside. He was sick of torturing himself with this little she loves me, she loves me not game. She either did love him, or she didn't and it was time to find out.
**********************************
"Will they give Tony some therapy or something before they try him?" Amanda asked, as she and Lee walked into the hallway that led to the Q-bureau.
"Yeah, they will. Krutioff really messed up his mind."
They were almost at the Q-bureau when Lee looked at Amanda. His look mirrored all of his thoughts from his sleepless night, the night before. He suddenly became quite nervous and his look showed that as well. This was the right time. He didn't know why he felt it was, he just did. He still didn't know what he was going to say, or do, but he'd just improvise. If he didn't do this now, he would never do it. The timing was just perfect. They walked into the Q-bureau. Amanda walked toward Lee's desk. Lee shut the door and stood there nervously.
"Amanda," Lee said.
"Yeah?" Amanda said turning around, expecting Lee to say something about the case.
"You know, you and I do have a lot to talk about," Lee said, nervously rubbing his left thumb against his other fingers. He then crossed his hands in front of him.
"Yeah?" Amanda said smiling.
Lee began to walk over to her. "Yeah, we've been getting to know each other for what-"
In unison they said, "three years."
Lee finished the sentence by saying, "now," while Amanda said, "uh huh" at the same time.
By this time Lee was standing face to face with her. He didn't know if he could continue. 'Come on Stetson,' he told himself, 'you can do this.'
"And I think there's a lot about you that I don't know. I'm sure going to enjoy finding out," Lee said.
He started to lean in to kiss her, when he heard Billy from outside the Q-bureau door say to Francine, "Is Lee in the Q-bureau?"
'Damn,' he thought, 'this always happens. Well, not this time.' He heard Francine say, "Yeah, I think so."
He quickly walked over to the door and locked it. He heard Billy try to open the door and then say, "Lee? Amanda?"
Lee said, "No, not this time." He heard Billy and Francine walk away. He walked back over to a surprised Amanda. He stared at her for a moment. She was so beautiful. 'Kiss her,' he thought. Amanda reached out and put her hands on his jacket lapels. That was the clue he needed to proceed. He looked down at her hands and smiled. He looked back in her eyes and stared at her for another moment. He gave a little laugh and nod of the head, wondering why he waited so long to do this. She laughed and said, "Yeah," as if understanding what he was thinking. He leaned in and kissed her. Sparks of electricity flew through him. It was exciting, but it scared him. He pulled away. He looked at her wondering if she felt the same way, or if she was going to become angry and storm out of the room because he had kissed her. None of those things happened. She stared back at him with the same look in her eyes that he had in his. She still had her hands on his jacket lapels. He decided to kiss her again. He leaned in, put his arms around her and kissed her again. She returned his kiss eagerly. All the fears and insecurities he had went away. He finally had answers to all of his questions. Everything he needed to know was in her kiss.
The End
Synopsis: Filler scene for "All The World's A Stage." What led up to Lee finally kissing Amanda?
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Scarecrow and Mrs. King, and the character's of Scarecrow and Mrs. King all belong to Warner Bros. and Shoot The Moon Productions. The plot of this story, however, is mine all mine! I did use the tag scene from "All The World's A Stage," in this story. No infringement is intended.
"I can't take this anymore. Why am I doing this to myself?" Lee asked no one in particular. He was lying in bed trying to sleep, but sleep refused to come. He couldn't get Amanda King out of his head.
He had been working with Amanda for three years now. She knew him better than anyone else ever had. She understood him the way that no one else ever could, and yet he continued to play this denial game with himself. He pretended that he didn't care about her as much as he actually did.
He was so afraid of getting hurt again, that he had built a wall around himself, so that no one could ever get close again. Slowly, Amanda had broken down those walls and without even realizing it, he had let her in. At first he had just let her in as a friend. As time went by their friendship grew stronger, until at last he considered her his best friend. That in itself scared the heck out of him. He was a loner. He didn't have any real friends. Oh sure, he did consider Billy and Francine good friends. Although he had known them for many years, he didn't have the same kind of friendship with them, that he had with Amanda. He had never had this type of friendship with anyone, not even his old partner, Eric. It scared him to be this close to someone, even just on a friendly basis. The few times that he had actually let himself acknowledge that what he felt for Amanda was much more than friendship, the fear had consumed him. He had backed off, stuffed his feelings deep inside and pretended they didn't exist.
There were two times in particular that made him face reality and made him realize his feelings for Amanda. One of the two times had been while he was playing the role of a burnt out agent. He couldn't even tell Amanda that he was undercover. He had to make everyone believe that he was really burnt out. Things had gotten out of control and he had slapped Amanda in the face. Guilt had overtaken him. The look in her eyes at that moment had haunted him for days. He had realized as she started walking to the door to leave, that there was no way he could let her leave like that. He realized that he would have done anything in the world at that moment to make things right with her again. He would have blown his cover if he had to. He realized at that moment, that he could not live without Amanda King in his life.
The second time was when he and Leslie were dating. Lee could see that Amanda was quite jealous of Leslie, that much was obvious. He had actually found it rather amusing that she was jealous. What he hadn't found amusing though, was that not only had he called Leslie Amanda once, he had called her Amanda twice. The first time had been after dinner. Luckily, Leslie had just thought he was talking about Amanda. The second time had been quite different though. He and Leslie were kissing, with the intention of things going further, when suddenly he had called out Amanda's name instead of Leslie's. Leslie had left, hurt and angry. Lee had felt bad, but it had made him come face to face with reality. While he had been in an intimate position with Leslie, he had called out Amanda's name, which meant he had been thinking of Amanda at that point in time. He had really done some thinking about that and had invited her to dinner the next day. Amanda had been quite surprised, because he was supposed to go to an embassy party with Leslie that night. When Amanda had pointed that out, he had just told her that Leslie had her own invitation to the party and wouldn't be lonely, because she was working anyway. He couldn't tell Amanda why he really wasn't going with Leslie to the embassy party. Since then, it was becoming harder and harder for him to deny his growing feelings for her. The funny thing was that Lee's job put him in constant danger. There were even a few times in which he had feared for his life. But these feelings he harbored deep inside for Amanda, scared him more than any bullet, knife, or criminal ever could. He realized that he had never felt this way about anybody.
Lee got out of bed. It was obvious that he wasn't going to get any sleep. He put on his robe, went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He then went into the living room, sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, hoping to get his mind off of Amanda. The first image that came onto the TV was a man getting onto a train at a train station. He laughed at the irony of it. There was just no getting away from his thoughts of Amanda tonight. Seeing the train station made him think back to when they had first met. He had to admit that something had drawn him to her. Out of all the people he could have picked to give the package to, he had picked her. There was just something about her that had made him feel he could trust her right away. Had he had feelings for her as soon as they had met? He didn't know. He began to think about all the early times and how times had changed for them since then. Back then, whenever he felt himself getting too close to her, he would give her "the speech." "The speech" mainly consisted of him telling her that they were in no way emotionally involved. Looking back, he wondered who he was trying to convince more, himself or Amanda. He hadn't given her "the speech" in a really long time. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, they were emotionally involved. Maybe they weren't emotionally involved in a romantic way, but she was his best friend and he considered that being emotionally involved.
Lee turned off the TV. He decided to go back to bed and try to get some sleep. He felt pretty tired now. He went into his bedroom, took off his robe and laid down in his bed. He closed his eyes. Amanda's face popped into his mind. "This is useless," he muttered out loud to himself. He couldn't get away from her no matter what he did. What was she doing to him? No one had ever affected him in this way. This seemed to be an occurrence which had been happening quite frequently this past year. He had had many sleepless nights due to thinking about Amanda.
Lee thought about their friendship. Besides having finally acknowledging the fact that Amanda had become his best friend, other things in their friendship had changed this past year as well. They were having dinner together quite often. It was Lee who was initiating these dinners. He found himself wanting to be near her all of the time, so he was asking her to dinner more often. He had taken her to her high school reunion just a couple of months ago. She wasn't going to go, but Lee had convinced her to go. He had wanted to be with her that night. He had wanted to meet all of her old high school friends, be a part of her life that he knew nothing about. The thing which he had done that even he himself was horrified by, was talking to Harry V. Thorton about Amanda. After he had left Harry's house, he couldn't believe the things that he had told him. He hadn't really been thinking about what he was saying, he had just said these things. He had told Harry that Amanda was beautiful. She was, but he didn't go around telling people that. The thing that he really couldn't believe that he had told Harry, was how wonderful her instincts were. His exact phrase when telling Harry that had been, "I'd follow her blind through a blizzard at midnight." He couldn't believe he had said that to Harry.
Lee sighed to himself and turned over on his side. He began to think about the other ways their friendship had changed this past year. They were starting to hold hands like couples did. In the beginning, Lee had only grabbed Amanda's hand when he was trying to get them out of danger, or when they were in a hurry to get somewhere. Recently he had found himself holding her hand just to hold it. There was no reason behind it, except that he wanted physical contact with her. It was becoming second nature to him. Something else that had never happened before, that had happened on a few occasions this past year, was that they had almost kissed. Of course, every time they had been interrupted. Although they had been interrupted, one of the times Lee had actually given Amanda a peck on the lips. They had had dinner at her house after the end of a case. Amanda's mother and boys were out of town at the time. After they finished dinner and finished doing the dishes, they were going to have dessert. Amanda had made a cake for Jamie's bake sale, and had made an extra one. She had cut slices of the cake for she and Lee and had made coffee. They were sitting on the couch, just about ready to eat their dessert, when Lee had looked up at Amanda and smiled. She was so beautiful. She had felt his stare and looked up at him. She smiled back and had put her cake plate down. Lee had followed suit. He had then said her name and she had leaned in like she was going to kiss him. Their lips had almost touched when Dotty and the boys had come home. Lee was not happy. Amanda had shooed him out of the house the back way. After she had put everything away, she had met him out on the back porch. He had grabbed her and brought her into his arms the moment she had come outside. They looked into each other's eyes and had both leaned in at the same time. Lee had given her a peck on the lips, and then pulled away. He leaned in to give her another kiss, but chickened out and walked away. He had regretted not kissing her again ever since then. Yesterday they had had another almost kiss, but of course had been interrupted. Lee was helping Amanda practice for the play she was the under study in, in the Q-bureau. In rehearsing, they had come awfully close to one another and Lee had leaned in to kiss her, when Francine had opened the door. Lee realized at that moment, that all of the times they had almost kissed, he had really wanted to kiss her. He was not happy about the interruptions. He realized that no matter how hard he tried to deny his feelings, they still managed to grow stronger.
Where did all of this leave him? Wide-awake at two o' clock in the morning thinking about how he couldn't play this denial game any longer. He was so in love with Amanda and had been for quite some time. That scared him. Everybody he had ever loved had hurt him, or left him in some way. He couldn't bear that type of pain again. But he was also unable to bear the pain of denying his feelings for Amanda. Look what it was doing to him. He was at the point where he had forgotten why he was trying so desperately hard to fight these feelings to begin with. He could go on like this, miserable, unhappy and lonely. He could continue to pretend that his feelings for Amanda didn't exist, but why? It was taking so much more out of him to deny his feelings, rather than to just acknowledge them. Amanda was so different from the women he usually dated. She was good for him. She was always there when he needed a friend, although he always claimed he didn't need anybody. She was loyal to a fault, was very strong, stood by him no matter what, stood up for him as well and in his eyes she was beautiful beyond all belief. He realized that if he went on like this, he could miss his chance with her. He knew he would regret that for the rest of his life. He also realized that he was at the point where he couldn't live without her anymore. He couldn't face life anymore without her by his side. So, what was holding him back then? There were a few things. He knew he was afraid of getting involved with her, falling even more in love with her than he already was and then losing her. He also knew it was because he had no clue if she felt the same way about him. What if she didn't? He would be devastated. When they had first met, he had thought that maybe she had a crush on him, but he wasn't sure. Sometimes, especially lately, he really felt like she did feel the same way, but at other times he just wasn't sure. He knew she cared about him, but how much? Did she love him the way he loved her? Could she live without him? Those fears had been holding him back for a long time, but now the fear of not knowing what would happen if he didn't at least try was stronger. He sat straight up in his bed. He knew the time had come. He absolutely had to do something to find out if she felt the same way. He didn't know what he would do, or when the timing would be right, but he knew he couldn't go on this way anymore. This was tearing him apart inside. He was sick of torturing himself with this little she loves me, she loves me not game. She either did love him, or she didn't and it was time to find out.
**********************************
"Will they give Tony some therapy or something before they try him?" Amanda asked, as she and Lee walked into the hallway that led to the Q-bureau.
"Yeah, they will. Krutioff really messed up his mind."
They were almost at the Q-bureau when Lee looked at Amanda. His look mirrored all of his thoughts from his sleepless night, the night before. He suddenly became quite nervous and his look showed that as well. This was the right time. He didn't know why he felt it was, he just did. He still didn't know what he was going to say, or do, but he'd just improvise. If he didn't do this now, he would never do it. The timing was just perfect. They walked into the Q-bureau. Amanda walked toward Lee's desk. Lee shut the door and stood there nervously.
"Amanda," Lee said.
"Yeah?" Amanda said turning around, expecting Lee to say something about the case.
"You know, you and I do have a lot to talk about," Lee said, nervously rubbing his left thumb against his other fingers. He then crossed his hands in front of him.
"Yeah?" Amanda said smiling.
Lee began to walk over to her. "Yeah, we've been getting to know each other for what-"
In unison they said, "three years."
Lee finished the sentence by saying, "now," while Amanda said, "uh huh" at the same time.
By this time Lee was standing face to face with her. He didn't know if he could continue. 'Come on Stetson,' he told himself, 'you can do this.'
"And I think there's a lot about you that I don't know. I'm sure going to enjoy finding out," Lee said.
He started to lean in to kiss her, when he heard Billy from outside the Q-bureau door say to Francine, "Is Lee in the Q-bureau?"
'Damn,' he thought, 'this always happens. Well, not this time.' He heard Francine say, "Yeah, I think so."
He quickly walked over to the door and locked it. He heard Billy try to open the door and then say, "Lee? Amanda?"
Lee said, "No, not this time." He heard Billy and Francine walk away. He walked back over to a surprised Amanda. He stared at her for a moment. She was so beautiful. 'Kiss her,' he thought. Amanda reached out and put her hands on his jacket lapels. That was the clue he needed to proceed. He looked down at her hands and smiled. He looked back in her eyes and stared at her for another moment. He gave a little laugh and nod of the head, wondering why he waited so long to do this. She laughed and said, "Yeah," as if understanding what he was thinking. He leaned in and kissed her. Sparks of electricity flew through him. It was exciting, but it scared him. He pulled away. He looked at her wondering if she felt the same way, or if she was going to become angry and storm out of the room because he had kissed her. None of those things happened. She stared back at him with the same look in her eyes that he had in his. She still had her hands on his jacket lapels. He decided to kiss her again. He leaned in, put his arms around her and kissed her again. She returned his kiss eagerly. All the fears and insecurities he had went away. He finally had answers to all of his questions. Everything he needed to know was in her kiss.
The End