Title: Girl Across the Hall

Author: Maqeurious

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory

Characters: Sheldon

As Sheldon sits and watches Penny perform 'A Streetcar Named Desire' his thoughts get away from him. Again.

Girl Across the Hall

Sheldon was mesmerized. He hadn't meant to be, and certainly didn't want to be; but it had happened all the same. And it wasn't for nothing that he had tried to turn his head and avert his eyes from what was happening on the stage, as her voice alone had him so enraptured that he'd hoped breaking visual contact would appease his muddled brain. But looking away would most likely get him scolded by his friends for not paying attention, and even if he were to succeed he'd only be met by the faces of the enamored audience surrounding him as they watched in awe and he missed out.

Penny was pouring her heart out on stage, her haunting although amateur dramatization of Blanche Dubois touching something deep inside of him. He'd never heard of the supposedly famous play before, and only hours earlier couldn't have given a damn if he ever did, but now he found himself thankful for such a banal activity. She was radiant. The words she projected, the emotions she displayed continued to draw him in more and more until he found himself hanging on her every word.

Beside him, Leonard was beaming with pride from ear to ear. Every now and then he would turn to Sheldon and whisper about how great her performance was, or how beautiful she looked in her pale peach dress. Sheldon couldn't deny it any more then he could deny his lungs the need for oxygen. She was beautiful.

His eyes widened as Penny crept towards the edge of the stage, her soft blonde hair catching the light ever so slightly that it seemed like she was glowing as she addressed the forth wall and continued her monologue.

"I ran out – all did! All ran and gathered about the terrible thing at the edge of the lake! I couldn't get near for the crowding. Then somebody caught my arm. "Don't go any closer! Come back! You don't want to see!" See? See what! Then I heard voices say – Allan! Allan! The Grey boy! He'd stuck the revolver into his mouth, and fired – so that the back of his head had been – blown away!"

Sheldon's breath caught in his throat as the words sunk in and he saw the tears in Penny's eyes form. Her voice grew thick with emotion, her delicate face twisting in pain as she spoke. Sheldon's lips unintentionally moved with hers as if he knew the words. When she turned and addressed her co-star, his shoulders would twitch to follow. When she moved her hands to clutch the front of her dress in a moment of anguished sorrow, he already had his fist clenched over his heart and was falling into that despair with her.

"It was because on the dance floor – unable to stop myself – I'd suddenly said, "I saw! I know! You disgust me..." And then the searchlight which had been turned on in the world was turned off again and never for one moment since has there been any light that's stronger..."

His lips parted in disbelief and he drew in a sharp breath as Penny recounted her characters husbands suicide and the tears that had welled in her sad, green eyes fell to her cheeks. Her vulnerability filled the stage and Sheldon found himself wanting to comfort the slowly unraveling woman in his arms.

This was the moment he felt that familiar pressure in his chest that over the years had just become worse and worse. His eyes fell to the floor out of fear for being discovered as memories forcibly engulfed him. Their first meeting where she was drawn to his board? The pride that overcame him was insurmountable. The time they'd spent together alone while making her silly little penny blossoms? As uncomfortable as her couch had been, the sweet smell of her green apple shampoo tickled his senses. The night he'd slept in her bed when he stupidly locked himself out of his apartment? He had unconsciously run his hands along the sheets and breathed in the scent from her pillows before drifting off into an erotic dream that to this day he refused to remember for fear he'd make a mess of himself. Again.

But none of those moments made him feel scared, peaceful and anxious all at the same time then when she would sing to him. In the beginning it was for a very conventional activity. He was sick, and when he sick he wanted – needed – his special song. He never would have thought that that would lead to his sudden attraction towards her. He'd never been more afraid.

So against his better judgment, he'd pushed the feeling down. Buried it under a mountain of science, games and comic book knowledge in a desperate act to forget all about it. And it had worked – in the short term. Every time he thought he had a handle on his encroaching emotions, Penny would do something or say something to bring those feelings erupting to the surface and he'd be forced to add to the pile. It was a never ending, frustrating cycle.

"She's remarkable." The words left his mouth before he had the chance to stop them. Even to his ears they sounded strange. He'd meant it as a compliment, but they came out sad – heartbreaking.

"She really is." Leonard replied softly beside him, oblivious as always to his roommates misery.

"Our Penny's a star!"

And there was the other reason why Sheldon buried his problems. Amy Farrah Fowler, his girlfriend. In the dark she slipped her hand into his and wrapped her cool fingers around his palm. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her smile as she too was caught up in Penny's performance.

Guilt was a funny thing. On one hand, it made him feel horrible inside. He liked Amy, very much so. They were compatible in so many ways that a relationship between them seemed like an inevitability. They were so much alike that at times it was as if he were dating himself, and a part of him liked it. It was safe. It was predictable. It was what made him feel like everything was OK, when deep down inside – underneath all the layers he'd built to protect himself – he knew differently. As much as it hurt him to admit it, he felt no physical attraction to Amy. He'd tried many times to conform to the societal norms when it came to body contact or invasion of his personal space, and in the last few years he'd made excellent progress. He had Penny, but more importantly Amy to thank for that. She was incredibly patient with him and for all it was worth he was grateful. However he knew, in the end, he would break Amy's heart. It was only a matter of time. That too, unfortunately, was an inevitability.

But guilt also made him feel alive in a way that he never thought was possible. He had been determined since he was a boy that he'd always put knowledge first. He'd put career first. Himself first. And there was nothing wrong with that – there still wasn't. But the day when Penny first sang those silly words he felt something different. Something that didn't belong in his analytical brain, taking up precious room for equations, theories or science. A flutter. A glimmer, a sparkle. No matter what label you put on it, it was foreign. That was what made it all the more exciting. And scary. And intoxicating. And terrifying. Because no matter how much he wanted to strip away the thick walls he'd built around his heart and emotions, it would lead him to a place where he wasn't himself. So in his mind – in his most sacred of places – he'd live a dream if even for a moment, where he was happy and unafraid of a touch. Or a kiss. In here, he wasn't afraid to admit that what he wanted was to be a normal man with normal hopes and normal desires. In here, he could imagine what their children might look like, or what nicknames he'd give them. How they'd complain when he put them to bed without a story, or grounded them for being naughty. In here, he would picture a future very different from what knew would happened eventually. The thoughts would make him smile for the mere minutes he entertained them, before pushing them back down – deep deep down into an ever growing vault and allow Dr. Sheldon Cooper to once again surface. Because whether he liked it or not, this was who he was.

Amy squeezed Sheldon's hand and leaned into his side, catching his eyes with hers. Her smile had fallen and she searched his blue orbs for any sign of a response from her earlier statement. It wasn't until he had shaken his lingering thoughts from his brain that he realized Amy had spoken. Here he was again, lost in his musings about what could be but what could never be. The impenetrable walls that existed to protect him moved into place, allowing him to become the Sheldon everyone knew him as.

"How is it she can remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember 'no tomato' on my hamburger?"

An emotionless reply. Condescending. Rigid. All the trademark signs that he was famous for. It still made him feel sick inside. But what else could he do when he had his girlfriend on one side, and Penny's boyfriend on the other? How was it that the smartest man he knew couldn't see a way out of this predicament?

There were no easy answers. Because in physics there were only theories and absolutes. When one theory didn't work out, you worked on another. Again, and again and again. Physics didn't get hurt. Physics didn't get a broken heart. Physics didn't feel betrayal. Humans did. His friends did.

So tonight, like every other night; he would go home and try to forget. He would forget how he felt about Penny. He would forget how she made him feel on the inside. He would forget how hurt and angry his two friends would be if they ever found out. He would forget what it felt like to possibly love someone more then he should. He would forget, and bury.

But he would still learn. It was what he was best at. He would learn how to allow himself to be touched without pulling away, or feeling disgust. He would learn over time how to express his desires comfortably and without being afraid. He would learn that loving someone didn't have to mean hurting someone else.

He would learn. And when he did, be it a year or ten years from now, he would open his heart to the girl across the hall. He would tell her all the things he'd dreamed of since the first moment she sang to him. And when he was finished, he'd take her in his arms and kiss her for the first time. The first of many.

He could wait. He'd waited his whole life. He knew they'd be together eventually. Know matter how or where or when; their happy ending would come.

Because this too, was an inevitability.

A/N: I'm wasn't a fan of TBBT in the beginning. I'd seen a couple episodes and thought it was funny, but that was about it. But in the last week I was forced into bed rest and with nothing else to do I thought I'd download TBBT. One thing lead to another and here I am after 3 days straight of watching this show from season 1 to the present back to back. Now I am a big fan, lmao! In the beginning I was pretty indifferent about Penny and Leonards relationship, but after a while I couldn't stand to see them together. She has so much more chemistry with Sheldon. I guess that makes me a Shenny fan (a term I only came to learn of today) And I like Amy I guess, but again... more chemistry with Penny. What can I say, I just love Penny haha.

On a different note, this Jim Parsons is the only man I've come across on TV that has made me wish I was a dude. I'd gladly switch genders for him. You no what they say, all the good ones are gay :(