Pardon Me, But What the Hell Are You?
Chapter One: Coyote, Love
"I've almost got you…"
Silence.
"Just…a little…more,"
She never suspected a thing.
"And…I've got ya- Oomph!"
She is a ninja.
"Next time…" She started, holding my scissors in front of my face, dangling them, just to torment me, "Don't narrate your crimes when committing them. It kinda ruins the stealth mode,"
I hung my head low, tossing my multicolored braid over my shoulder where it hit the floor, "Yes, ma'am,"
"Pardon me?"
"Yes, master,"
"Better,"
I stood up from my kneeling position, puffing out my little chest like a bird. Very dignified, I strutted my gorgeous self over to the armchair, and plopped down in it, sighing with comfort.
"Aaaahhhh~" I said, "Good little armchair, that's right! You're such a good piece of leather, yes you are~ So perfectly comfy…" I snuggled into it.
My mother walked through the room, took one look at me, and sighed, "Lord, she's even talking to the furniture now. Is it time for me to admit you, sweetheart?" She called casually from over her shoulder. I sat up quickly, shaking my head.
"I'm perfectly sane! Yes, perfectly! You would be scared to know how sane I was!" Of course, this was said before I stood up suddenly, and pointed at the chair.
"This chair knows nothing. Nothing at all. Right?" I turned to my little sister, the previous "Master".
"Correct. Bring the chair in for interrogation. We'll see how little it 'knows' "She smiled, an evil glint in her eye. Mom sighed from behind us.
"Are intelligent daughters too much to ask for?"
OOOOOOoooooOOOOOO
I ran towards the park, determined to sprint the hell out of whatever was chasing me. Nobody beats me in running. Nobody.
"If...you want to chase me…" I panted, "THEN RUN A LITTLE FASTER!" I turned around when I realized I was about to run into a tree, and came face-to face with the one enemy of all mankind.
A squirrel.
"This is your end, squirrel," I said, glaring at him. His beady little eyes stared right back, fixing me with his challenge.
"You wanna go? Huh?" I put my hands into fists and bounce back and forth, my rail-thin body light on the leaves.
The squirrel ignored me, and instead rushed up the tree where I only caught a glimpse of him before he scurried away into that mysterious hidey-hole that all squirrels have that you never see until they enter it. Those things are dangerous. Really.
"Coward…" I muttered. The answer I got was a thrown nut.
You-Know-Who's P.O.V.
He was dreadfully tired. Honestly! How could Will be so mean? Then again, he absolutely loved that about him, so cold…oh it just gave him the shivers!
"I have so much work to do…" He sighed once more. Well, the tree he was in was awfully comforting, so he didn't see how it could hurt to catch up on his beauty-sleep here, every lady needed it.
"Ahh~" He closed his eyes and laid back in bliss, "What a nice day- Ouch!" He woke up sharply to the feeling of a nut on his face.
"Who dares to throw something like an acorn at a lady?" He said, baring his shark-teeth. He looked down to where it had come from. The result surprised him.
A rail-thin girl was below his tree (yes. He had claimed the foliage,) with a handful of acorns and various nuts, throwing them…seemingly…at the hole right next to him.
With terrible aim, apparently.
"Tch!" He cursed, "Little brat can't throw,"
What honestly caught him off guard was the fact of her hair. It was longer than his own! Her braid went down and coiled on the ground, a rainbow of different greens, blues, reds, and browns.
"That can't be natural," He said, tossing his own red locks in flamboyant envy.
He hopped down from the tree, shamelessly walking in front of the girl. After all, what could a little reprimanding hurt? It wasn't like she could see him, and he just needed to vent anyways.
Well, the surprises just kept coming, didn't they?
Coyote P.O.V.
I retaliated the squirrels' challenge by thrown every nut I could find. I may have not always hit the mark, but my point was clear enough.
My long 'braid' lay on the ground, the rest of it creeping back up to my neck. I really need to find a new style for it. I was beginning to trip now.
The reason why I put braid in quotes is because that it isn't really my hair. It's my…collection. I would take hair from my friends and family members and cut off at least three inches of it (what they don't know don't hurt them, what they do know…God help me,) and braid it, using a rubber band to tie it in with the rest of the braid. People called it gross. It was my way of remembering my family. So, that led up to a giant array of colorful hair, longer than myself. I had a lot of fun when my cousins dyed their hair crazy colors, so I had pink, green, blue…
"Annnnnd, take that!" I was about to toss the acorn, when a flash of red caught my eye. Being a naturally suspicious person, I didn't wave it off as imagination. Never do that. A big no-no in horror movies.
"Okay…" I said, "Whatever you are, come out, now. I don't like being spied on," Just for defense, I raised the acorn above my head, "Be warned, I'm arm- er…nutted,"
The park was quiet. Too quiet. Faaaaaaaaaaaaar too quiet.
Not even a bird chirped.
No cricket called.
Then, I heard a voice.
"Oh, how interesting,"
My arm started to quiver.
"Why, you know I'm here, don't you~"
By this point my whole body was shaking like a leaf. The voice seemed to be coming from all around me, above, below, left, right, everywhere!
The voice started to sound annoyed, "Oh, do stop shaking, it's preposterous!"
"Then show yourself!" I yelled, to nothing apparently. It was silent and still until like a light switch, that flash of red that I saw became a man…woman…man…thing. Good God the guy was tall! I tried not to stare at his gorgeous green eyes, framed by the red glasses. But what really got to me was his beautiful, long red hair.
I smiled. I think I just found something to add to my collection.
"Well, well, well~" The she-man said, walking around in a circle. I eyed his every step.
"Ain't nothing well about it," I said. The man smirked and laughed, revealing sharp shark-like teeth. I gulped.
"You're not going to…eat me, are you?" I asked. The man looked disgusted at me.
"Do you think I'm a barbarian? Ugh, how revolting!"
"Well…" I started, "I don't know who you are, creepy red person, buuut, I kinda need to go now,"
She-man frowned, a calculating look in his eye. I gulped, and prepared to make a sprint out of there. Where I come from, people like him drive vans.
Three, two, one… I sounded out in my mind, Go!
I let my legs propel me towards the park gates, as fast as I had ever run. I barely heard the she-man's cry of surprise before my mind focused solely on running.
Unfortunately, it didn't focus on watching.
"Aaannd there I go!" I shouted as I tripped over a rock. I landed face-first in the soft grass, feeling the sharp sting on my knee. Sitting up, I saw that it had been cut wide open, leaving a slowly dribbling trail of blood.
"Ouch," I said, and quickly used my hand to wipe away some of the red substance. Then I remembered creepy red-she-man. Those longs legs probably weren't for nothing.
"Aww shit," I said, quickly standing up. I prepared to run, but stopped when I saw that the man was frozen in his steps, only a yard away from me.
"Red…" He said, a glazed look in his eyes. I rose an eyebrow.
"You okay?"
"Red…"
"Uh…"
I was surprised when he suddenly pulled out a huge yes-you guessed it- red chainsaw, and pulled to chord to start it. His laughter was maniacal, and I had never seen such a crazy look in his eyes.
"Darling, it's time to paint in red once again!"
Unfortunately, that was the last thing I remember.
OOOOOOoooooOOOOOO
"I know you have reached astounding levels of idiocy, but I do commend you on breaking your previous record,"
"Oh Will, stop it! You're making me blush~"
Yeah. Oh yeah. I know that voice anywhere.
"That was not a compliment,"
"Ahhh, so cold~"
I twitched my hands, opening my eyes. In front of me was a tall man with giant nosepickers, and the she-man who's favorite color I was having trouble guessing.
Yeah, bitches. I use sarcasm.
"Look, she's awake," The red-guy said. I lowered my eyes to a glare, and flexed my hands into fists.
"You damn SHE MAN!" I yelled, flying at him, "WHO EVER TOLD YOU IT WAS OKAY TO FLY AT SOMEONE WITH A GODFORSAKEN CHAINSAW?"
"Woah, woah now," The man said, holding up his hand. He easily stopped me, but I still flailed my hands, cause I thought it would make a difference. It did not.
"Grell," Will said, walking beside me, "Explain to her why she is here, otherwise I don't think that she will take kindly to seeing that she has been stitched back together,"
I froze. Looking down at my stomach, I indeed saw that stitch marks went around all of my body. My mind came to one conclusion.
I was chopped in half.
"I'm sorry, Will~" The red guy put his hands together and wiggled cutely. I sweatdropped at the sight.
"Just tell her, or you will be demoted for killing someone who is not on the to-die list,"
"Fine~"
Grell turned to me, frowning. Not to say I didn't return the compliment.
"Okay, so I may have killed you a little bit. Just look on the bright side, you look absolutely fabulous in red, darling," At this he actually winked. My mouth hung open as he continued to talk.
"Since your death wasn't meant to be for at least another eighty years, you have been officially selected to be trained to be a Grim Reaper," He said it like a bored little kid who was made to memorize a speech.
"Grim…Reaper?" I pointed around, "This place? I'm a Grim Reaper now?" I put my hands to my head. Man this was moving fast.
"Yes," Grell chuckled, and pulled me in close to whisper in my ear, "And I'm stuck with you as your mentor, so don't blow this for me, kid," He pulled back when he noticed Will staring at us strangely, "So, we'll be like sisters, okay?" He winked again. I felt dizzy and nodded.
I had a feeling that his family was not one I wanted to be a part of.
PREVIEW FOR NEXT CHAPPIE!
"It's time to find your Death Scythe," Will announced. Grell took one look at me and laughed.
"Go on," He said, shooing me with his hand, "It'll find you," He laughed cruelly at me.
I gulped. "Here goes nothing…SCYTHE! COME TO ME!"
I felt something form in my hand. I didn't even have time to look down before Grell fell on the floor laughing, so hard that tears came out.
"W-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"
Many thankies to aristicadri1999 for helping me and Mindblower as well! You guys helped me out a lot! Review, or no update!