Hey there! Chancey here (what else is new?), and this time, NOT with a oneshot! It's a miracle!
Anyway, this was spawned a while ago in P.E. with ringbearinggreasergal. It took me a while to finally get inspired enough to start writing it, but here it is! Boredom is quite the poweful motivator.
This is only the prologue. I promise, it will get more crossover-y and parody-like in the following chapters.
Arkham Asylum.
The good news: With all the villains being busted and apprehended with every passing episode, and with so few managing to break out, the staff was being forced to cram as many as five inmates in one itsy-bitsy cell at a time. As a result, loneliness was an ailment seldom occurring.
The bad news: No T.V. Not a single television to be found for a dozen cell blocks. Thus resulting in a very cranky couch potato.
"Rick, the fatso in cell 14 is acting up again."
The addressed belched over at the speaker and scratched his belly.
"So? His roommates'll deal with him."
His lanky uniformed friend placed his hands on his hips and cocked an eyebrow. "They can't touch him, Rick. We had to move him into a padded cell with a few other guys."
Rick groaned as he got to his feet, reluctant to leave his comfy lounge chair. He sauntered off sulkily toward the cell block, mumbling about lazy guards.
"Cell 14," he narrated off the slip of paper by the panel of the cell. "Control Freak, Slade Wilson, Jumbo, and Dr. Light. Fatso…" He peered inside, and immediately identified his target. The only one without a strait jacket (or, in Slade's case, a Hannibal Lector costume), the red-haired midget was bouncing on the top bunk, screaming something at the top of his lungs.
"Oy vey." Rick cautiously opened the panel.
"—IWANNATV! INEEDATV! PLEEAAAAAAASE KILL ME NOW IF YOU WON'T GIVE ME A TV!11!!112!!111oneeleven!" At this part, the author grew tired of writing out capitals by hand and decided to have Slade interrupt.
So he did.
"That can be arranged," he snarled, his eye narrowed.
Although the prison guard had confiscated all of his fancy gadgets and uniform from the 2003-2006 animated show, they graciously gave him his old comic costume apparel of sexy white hair, an eyepatch, and pretty disco-esque orange boots and gloves to go with his new Arkham uniform.
However, most of the content of the above paragraph is irrelevant, because he's wearing a stylish Anthony Hopkins getup. Moving on.
Slade's oh-so-chilling eye turned to the guard in the doorway, as did the eyes of the other three inmates. At this, Control Freak realized this was an opportunity to get attention and maybe the thing he wanted most, so he attempted to climb down from the bunk and failed—instead plummeting to an ungraceful belly flop on the padded floor.
"Mr. Guard, sir…if you would be so kind to oblige me one little request?"
"For the last time, man. NO! You've been asking nonstop since you got here for a damn TV, and every. Damn. Time. You get the same answer, so just cool it."
"Easy for you to say!" Control Freak (who apparently has no real name, along with Mumbo Jumbo and Dr. Light) accused, jabbing a finger at the guard before him.
"You get all the food you want, all the time, a gazillion channels in your fancy lounge, and—" At this point, genuine, fat tears began to roll down the maniac's equally chubby cheeks.
"Please, man!"
His cell mates groaned.
"Here we go," Slade muttered, 'cause he's the only witty, talkative one of the bunch in this fanfiction.
IN his melodramatic plea for an appliance, Control Freak rolled about, pounding the floor mercilessly with his fists and feet.
"Please, please, PLEASE!"
This went on for some time until Slade, desperate for some peace and quiet, attempted suicide by tipping his rolly-cage-thingee over face first. However, as the floor was padded, this did nothing except muffle any further protests he might voice.
With some difficulty due to his jacket, Dr. Light pushed himself up from his bunk and unsteadily walked to the guard, where he sank to his knees beside the greasy maniac.
"Please, man. Either put him out of his misery, or give him his goddamn TV so we can all have some peace."
"Well," said Rick-the-OC-security-guard, pondering his options. "Despite the fact that two naughty words have already been used in this fanfiction, it is still a fanfiction based after a childrens' television show. And because of this, we're not allowed to put anyone out of their misery.
I'll call for a TV."
And cell 14 was filled with much rejoicing. Even Slade did not bite as he was returned to his upright position.
Later, the cafeteria was filled with much rejoicing, because Control Freak was not there to devour half of the edible contents available.
"So," greeted a jail-hardened, ghetto Madam Rouge as she sat beside Slade. "What are you in for?"
"Raping a 16-year-old boy, murdering said 16-year-old boy in an alternate universe several years later, and murdering my Alfred-like butler who only appeared in Final Exam and then vanished because I murdered him. All but the last one happened in a British girl's fanfiction."
"Ah," said Madam Rouge empathetically, her hand snaking inside the bars of the cell and resting on Slade's cage where his thigh would be. "You poor thing. I'm in cell 142 if you ever need someone to talk to."
Slade grunted in response as the timer beeped, signaling the end of Madam Rouge's visit and the beginning of Mother Mae Eye's, because all the show's creepy ladies wanted to get jiggy with him.
"Excuse me, ma'am," Rick excused, shoving Mother out of the way and peering inside cell 14. "Mr. Freak? Mail call for you from your mother."
The addressed, face and chest covered in drool, turned from the 9-millionth re-run of High School Musical. His dull eyes lit up. "Mommy?!"
Like a little boy on Christmas, he snatched the package from the omnipotent security guard's hands, darted back to his precious television and ripped the package open.
"Man," Robin sighed blissfully as he sat on the roof with the rest of his team. "It's been so quiet since we cleared all the bad guys from Jump City." He popped a grape into his mouth. "I mean, really. When was the last time we actually had a picnic on the roof of our home?"
"Never," droned Raven, who was meditating, as usual.
Starfire squirted mustard onto whatever she was eating, as usual.
Cyborg was too busy confessing his undying love to Starfire's Mumbo-Jumbo alarm clock to pay attention to the conversation at hand, and Beast Boy…
…Was too busy staring, jaw-dropped, at a plume of rising smoke in the distance.
"Dudes," he said, 'cause that has to be what he says at the beginning of every fanfiction, "Please tell me that's not the exact location of Arkham Asylum."
The Tower's sirens blared.
"Titans!" cried Robin, leaping to his feet. "G—"
But he suddenly choked on a grape. Starfire had to give him the Heimlich Maneuver, but in doing so ruptured his spleen with her super-strength, so Raven had to fix it with her sparkly blue healing powers, but in doing that discovered that Robin had a tumor in his epididymis .
And that was how the Teen Titans managed to find a cure for cancer.
Many hours later, Robin yelled "Go," and as per usual the Teen Titans soared off to the scene of the crime to find—
--absolute chaos.
Every known hero and villain from the 2003-2006 animated series (and then some, including the primary characters from DC comics) was facing off on the Ground Zero that used to be Arkham Asylum.
Robin immediately zeroed in on Slade and went after him.
Cyborg, disgusted, hurled Starfire's alarm clock at Mumbo Jumbo. "I can't believe toy companies waste time in making merchandise of you!"
Mumbo simply cackled and brandished his want, failing to wonder how it had gotten there—much less how it regenerated after Robin had snapped it in half in The Sum of His Parts.
"Wingardium leviosa!" he cried, and Cyborg relived his "flyborg" persona once again.
Raven faced off against Trigon, who had somehow managed to fit in a jail cell after Raven kicked his ass back in The End: Part 3.
"Raaaawr!" Her eyebrows turned into a secondd pair of slanted crimson eyes, and then all of the other Ravens had to show up and kick Trigon's ass again like in Nevermore.
Rorek and Malchior made out in a corner.
So did Mas y Menos, 'cause incestual slash is just so sexy.
Just to join the lovefest, Chanceless jumped in and grabbed some version of Robin. She found herself making out with Nosyarg Drahcir, shrugged, and decided she didn't mind.
Beast Boy scouted Terra out and magically melted her granite state, then convinced her to remember everything of their past, leaving out he parts that occurred in Betrayal, Aftershock: Part 1 and Aftershock: Part 2.
Starfire and Blackfire fought for about twenty seconds until Aqualad decided he though sisters were hot and went after them both; then they had a threesome in the corner with Malchior, Rorek, Mas y Menos, Chanceless and Nosyarg Kcid.
In another dark and mysterious corner, Robin and Slade couldn't decide whether they wanted to kill each other or make love.
Bumblebee and Jinx found they shared a fetish for mechanics, and joined the orgy in the first corner.
Above the chaos, Control Freak crowed in triumph. "Thank you, Mother!"
In his hand was clutched another of his treasured remotes. He aimed said remote at the fray below.
"Good-bye, Titans! Good-bye, inconsiderate A-list villains! Say Hello to Starz, Encore, HBO and Cable for me!"
"Look out!" Robin shrieked, but was distracted from the impending doom when the author forced him into yet another slashy lemon.
And then they all vanished. As a tumbleweed rolled past, only the solitary sound of maniacal cackling colored the deserted scene.
Oh. Yeah.
Shameless plug to RobinRocks' awesome TT trilogy in which Robin gets raped and murdered by Slade in an alternate universe.
Now. I have three more decent chapters written out, just waiting to be typed up.
However, I will not type them up unless I get some decent reviews, because I need to know that there are people who will actually be reading the stuff I write. So.
Like it, love it, hate it? TELL ME, and I'll update. :3 Toodles!
-Chance