Clans of Pandora: The Hodunk Zaford Feud

by indogma

Ellie has a job for the three vault hunters, Axton Maya and Gaige. She wants them to get the rival gangs, the Hodunks and the Zafords to kill each other in an all out war. Expect puns, sex innuendos, inside jokes, bad puns, awkward innuendos, and worst of all: foul language in this story.

1. Reopening Old Wounds

Gangs of Pandora:

The Zaford and Hodunk Feud

Part One: Reopening Old Wounds

A Borderlands Fanfict

By Indogma.

The sun of Pandora beat down on the area of land known as the Dust. The dry and barren place was hard place to live, but to be fair so was the rest of Pandora. The Dust just happened to be the extreme version of dry and barren then the rest of Pandora, which really did not one's odds of survival compared to the rest of Pandora. I mean I knew this one guy who lived in Sanctuary. Safest place in Pandora right? Well he goes ahead and gets shot in the city right out of the blue. In the middle of broad daylight. And that is the safest place in Pandora, uh, despite the giant lunar space station in the shape "H" that enjoys shooting down lunar mortars on the city, because the owner of the company that runs that said space station is a narcissistic jackassic asshole, who finds it funny when he kills an entire city and then sends the heads of the victims to their closest kin, with an echo saying: "Hi there it's Handsome Jack, owner of Hyperion, and the big "H" over the moon. I was planning to send a fruit cake to offer my: "sincerest condolences" but then I though it would be more personal to send the head of your loved one, rather then some brick of a pastry that no body likes. Heheh, "nobody". Hah! Anyway buy Hyperion." Yeah, jackass almost compliments him. But I digress.

Right the Dust, terrible place. Well except for the local wildlife. Like the Spiderants. They love it there. The sand is easy to bury in and they can still feel the warmth of the sun through the grains of sand, and they could feel the vibration of anything moving close to it, making it the perfect ambush site.

On this day in particular, a lone spiderant worker cropped up out of the sand suddenly. If I had to take a guess, I would say it's name was Sebastian. I mean it looked like a Sebastian. And I am sure it would make a great pet; except for the fact that it would probably rap you in webbing and suck all your bodily fluids in your sleep. But other then that: a great pet. The kids would love him.

Anyway, Sebastian popped out of the sands to reposition himself in the sand. A cactus's, (or whatever the hell those things are called), shadow had fallen over Sebastian's hiding place, making the sand go cold. And Sebastian, being a creature that prefers warm sand to cold, moved a few feet away to a warmer spot.

As he, (I'm assuming it is a he), did, Sebastian then felt the sand vibrate a little, the Spiderant then froze where he was and tried to determine what it was. It was large, and surprising fast. Realizing there was not time to burrow back down into the sand to pop back up in time, Sebastian turned in the direction of the creature that was making the sand vibrate, and prepared to strike.

From the other side of a sand dune came the creature, actually it was a vehicle. A bandit technical, flying over the dune like it was a jump. Sebastian had no time to react. The technical then landed a few feet in front of the spiderant and sped forward, ramming the creature into the bumper without losing any speed.

After a moment of feeling the hot radiator in the technical, Sebastian slowly began to climb up the bumper and on to the hood of the truck. From the driver's point of view, he could see the spiderant's front legs struggle to climb on top of the hood of the engine.

"Hey Maya, we got a hitchhiker." Said the driver. The driver was a light brown haired man with a soldier's rank tattoo over his left eye brow. It was Axton, alright! I doubt anyone reading this will not be able to tell that.

In the catapult turret right next to the driver's seat, the blue haired Siren, Maya turned it around and looked at the spiderant. Without missing a beat, she pulled out her Jacobs revolver and pointed it to the creature, saying: "No free rides." And pulled the trigger. While the front of the spiderant's exoskeleton did not allow the bullet to pierce the bugs body, the force of impact was enough to knock back Sebastian down and off the bumper.

The spiderant fell to the ground and became a mere speed bump for the technical. As the first wheel lurched over it, Axton and Maya were ready for the expected bump, but when the creature was run over by the back right wheels, waking the third rider, napping in the back. Gaige the fiery Mechromancer, went flying off the seat and landed on the floor of the bed.

"Hey! Watch our for potholes, Axton!" She said angrily getting up.

"I can't help it if they keep popping up from the sand Gaige," replied the Soldier not taking his eyes from in from of him.

Gaige could not think of a retort to his parry, so she sighed annoyed and sat back down on one of the benches in the techical's bed. Resting her head on her robotic hand and watched the dunes speed by she then asked to kill the silence: "Were are Sal and Zero?"

"They said Hammerlock offered them a job dealing with "Old Slappy." Whoever the hell that is," replied Axton.

"Old Slappy?" Asked Maya, "What the hell kind of a name is that?"

"Sounds like the name of a old snuff film," said Axton out loud. He then realized, "You don't think…" "What?" Asked Maya. "That they are actually going to meet a porn star… do you?" She shrugged, "Wouldn't surprise me… I mean we have Moxxi back in Sanctuary, so there might me more on the planet."

Axton then let out a groan, "Dammit, Salvador, you lucky bastard!" Little did Axton know that the "lucky bastard" was knee deep in water with a hundred foot thresher with a bone to pick with Sal and Zero.

The irony of this was Sal also thought "Old Slappy" was a porn star's name too, and took the job just to meet her… only to find it was not something he didn't care to meet. But to be fair there were signs that Sal failed to notice, I mean Hammerlock did mention "Thresher" a bunch of times and he even gave to pair his robotic arm to lure the "creature" out. Sal though he was making dirty talk, (how I have no idea), and did not realize they were hired to kill a beast until it popped out of the ground and started at Salvador. Then everything in his mind clicked. Well almost, he still was confused as to how a robotic arm had a scent to lure out the beast. But that was the least of his worries right now.

"I bet he's having a blast right now…" complained Axton.

"What did Ellie say she wanted us to do again?" Asked Gaige cutting Axton from his complaining.

"Something about starting a clan war…" Said Maya recalling what Ellie asked them to do.

"Sounds like fun," smiled Gaige.

"Well at least it is something we are good at." Added Axton shifting the gear in the technical, "Pissing off armed groups of people seems to be our specialty."

"Amen to that." Agreed Maya.

As the trio of vault hunters rolled into Ellie's savage yard and pulled out just outside of the main building. As all three of them exited the truck, they heard the sound of a man screaming as if in pain. The three exchanged glances, it sounded like Ellie had company.

Axton knocked on the door, and the three waited for the heavyset lady to come out of her workshop. After a moment of silence from the workshop, the door opened to Ellie's voice screaming "What ya'll want?"

The three vault hunters where not ready for the sight before their eyes. As Ellie came out into the light, they saw her in a large lacy seductive, (if you'd call it that), lingerie. The witnessing of that sight made all three of them gag, Gaige snapped her hands over her face and began to scream: "My eyes! My eyes!"

"Oh it's ya all!" said Ellie smiling recognizing the three of them, "I'm afraid ya caught me at a bad time, I wasn't expecting you till later tonight." "Oh, God help me!" came the same voice that they heard when they pulled up into the yard. "You just keep your shirt on, snookums!" Said Ellie yelling back into her garage. "Mama gonna be there soon to help you get out of it!" "Gaaahhaaah!" Ellie then turned to the three of them and said lightly, "Yeah I'm kinda in the middle of somethin'."

"Yeah, we can tell," said Axton shielding his eyes from her. "Just tell us what we need to do and we will be on our way."

"Oh yeah that," said Ellie remembering why she had the vault hunters out to her place. She noticed their were only three of them and asked, "Where're the other two?"

"Out meeting Old Slappy…" said Maya.

"Oho," chuckled Ellie, "They'll have fun with her. Anyway I need ya three to start up the clan war again between the Hodunks and the Zafords. They've been in a half feud for years, and I was thinking the world might be a tinsy winsy bit better if all of them were dead. Or at least one of them."

She then pointed to a workbench with two bundles of TNT on it. "Grab those explosives, and then some of the clan emblems, and we're gonna have some fun."

"Were are the emblems?" Asked Maya.

"Check my junk…" Said Ellie.

Axton caught his eyes drift towards Ellies's chest but then snapped his eyes shut and turned away. Maya just closed her eyes, and Gaige never reopened her eyes.

"…yard," added Ellie, after an awkward moment of silence. The three vault hunters then sighed when they heard the word "yard". "Yer lookin' for a Hoduck girl pin-up, and a green four leaf-clover."

"Right," said Axton rushed to end the conservation. "We'll get on it, and leave you to your business."

"Aww, thanks hon," said Ellie. "Let me know then ya got the emblems and I will tell you the next part of the plan."

"WHY AREN'T YOU THREE NOT DOING ANYTHING?!" Came the voice from inside the garage.

"If you excuse me," smiled Ellie, walking away from the doorway, and closing the door behind her. As the door closed, the man's scream faded until it was muffled. The three vault hunter looked at each other awkwardly, then they rushed to grab the TNT and ran into the junkyard, away from the garage and the fear that they might over hear something.

As they were running away, Maya then thought of something funny, "Hey, Axton." She said running beside the former commando. "I'm surprised you are in a hurry to leave." Axton turn his head and gave her a confused look. "I mean, you where complaining about missing a meeting a porn star, and yet your missing your chance to see some."

"That's not funny, Maya." Replied Axton. "It is to me," she smiled back.

After running at full speed into the junkyard, the three managed to find one of the Hodunk emblems, it looked like one that Scooter often painted on his stuff.

"Ellie," said Axton ECHOing Ellie, "We found the Hodunk emblem."

"Really? That's great hon!" Said Ellie over his ECHO, "The hodunks like that emblem because they like skinny chicks, and they like skinny chicks cause they's pussies." (I don't know who she is referring to, and frankly I don't want to know). "Speaking of—" "Ghaaa!" Interrupted the man over the ECHO, "Oh God! NOOOO!"

Axton quickly turned off his echo, and gagged aloud. "No amount of therapy is going to fix that…"

"Fix what?" Asked Gaige.

"You don't want to know."

"Found it!" Shout Gaige, shooting her robotic arm through a pile of trash to reveal a Zaford four leaf clover.

"Finally!" Shouted Axton, emerging from another pile of junk.

"About time," said Maya, far away from the junk, phase-lifting a large pile of junk.

"We should contact Ellie," said Gaige.

"You can do that…" said Axton remembering the last time he did that, and the bit of soul he lost after that call.

"I don't see what the big deal is…" Said Gaige, ECHOing Ellie, "Ellie, we have the Zadord emblem."

"Great!" Came Ellie's reply, "The Zafords choose that emblem because they thought it'd bring then luck, which will be pretty damn ironic." Then it sounded like she was talking off to the side, "Hon you finish your barbeque sandwich, now. Mama's coming to clean it off your face… with my tounge." The statement was accompanied by a expect scream of retaliation, but it was muffled due to a full mouth of barbeque. She then returned to the ECHO, "Anyway, sweety, head on down to the Hodunk speedway, and I'll tell ya what to do their. I'm ALMOST done here… with my thing… ya know… sex."

Gaige then slowly shut off her ECHO as if she was in a daze… she then looked at Axton and said half heartily, "You knew, didn't you?"

"Yep," smiled Axton.

"You're a bastard…"

"I know."

As the three vault hunters drove to the Hodunk speed way they saw the sign outside the speed way, with the large monster truck tire. It was the third large wheel on Pandora. It was actulay the seond largest tire on Pandora, after the Tediore tire of blades that was used only once until it killed the company's representative and his entire party; but when Handsome Jack came to the planet, he didn't want to have a "cheap and shitty company like Tediore" to out do him in something, so he bought a five story tall tire just to beat Tediore. The funny part of this story is where the tire is now placed, in the center of New Haven, where Scooter's auto shop once was. Normally Scooter would be happy that a large tire took out is auto shop, fore he could never hate a tire, but the tire itself was in very poor shape.

When Handsome Jack got the tire, he then got the idea that it was possible to bounce the tire off the plant's surface and it would bounce of the ground and back up into space. When Angel told him it could not be done, he decided to try it to prove her wrong. He didn't. What Handsome Jack didn't account for was the entirely into the planet to increase the tire's velocity, and cause the temperature around the tire to increase and to melt the rubber. In short, the tire caused a crater as big as a swimming pool into Scooter's place, and it might have bounced, if the rubber had not melted. But the rubber then splattered around the town, putting most of the deserted buildings in molten rubber, which eventual covered the town in a thin layer of black rubber.

But Jack didn't see it as a failure, he passed the town of New Haven off as "The Most Child Proofed City in the Universe," thanks to the rubber, and he still own the largest tire on Pandora, (it still beat the Tediore tire by a few inches), so he set out what he intended to do in the end.

Back to the story, the Hodunks had the third largest tire in Pandora, and the vault hunters were going to violate it. Not sexually, good god no, I don't know how you could do that, but they weren't going to do it anyway. Why am I even telling you this? Moving on!

As the three pulled their technical just in front of the gate to the raceway, Axton and Gaige agreed with each other to let Maya be the next one to ECHO Ellie, but neither of them told her why. As she turned on her ECHO, and spoke to Ellie, Axton and Gaige watched with excitement to see her reaction to Ellie. Little did they know, Ellie was finished with her business, and Maya received the reply without any change in her emotion, making the two switch on their the ECHOs on to hear the rest of the instructions from Ellie: "—put the explosives on the sign's support under the tire."

It was pretty straight forward, and the group voted Axton to be the man of the hour and light the charges. As soon as the fuse was lit, Ellie, almost on cue, came on the ECHO saying: "I'd back up 'cause this is gonna be awesome!" Which was rather redundant, when one thinks about it.

Axton then went on full on sprint to the technical, and duck behind it to see the pillar of the sign to explode and collapse, causing the tire to break off the sign and come crashing down over the Hodunk main gate.

After the dust settled, a small group of Hodunk grunts came running through the gate, more pissed off then a Skag with a toothache. (Note: they are pretty nasty). After the three vault hunters, (well it was mostly Gaige's deathtrap), killed the grunts, Ellie gave the next step: "Now slap that Zaford emblem down!" Again the three election Axton for this job, and again with a full sprint, Axton stuck the emblem on the tire and sprinted back were the two of them were waiting on the technical, and as quick as they came the three vault hunters left the ruined Hodunk tire in the dust, pun intended.

As they drove away, their ECHOs picked up an angery "Kah mah ble duch shalla!" (Approxamate spelling), Flowed by a more understandable: "Papa Jimbo sees that disgustin' Zaford emblem, and he accepts your challenge, Mick Zaford!" The plan worked. "The seas will run green with Zaford blood!"

"Ooh," said Ellie getting back on the ECHO, "Haven't heard Jimbo that angry since the time he heard my family was leaving his dumbass clan. Momma didn't wanna raise Scooter and me alongside a bunch of morons who'd sooner eat a baby then help raise one. That, and one time Jimbo told Moxxi to kill some dude or they was gonna turn me into the clan wife." All at once the three hunter felt a shiver up their spines. "She wasn't havin' none of that. So, yeah. Good, uh… good memory." (Make ya kinda greatful for yours huh?).

"Why doncha go to the Holy Spirits bar our near Overlook and blow their crap up, too?" Said Ellie giving then the next instructions.

"I'm not doing it," said Axton pouting in the seat of the technical.

"Come on Ax! It's two to one," reasoned Gaige.

"Hell no!" He retorted to her reason. He had had enough being the "elected" one to be the suicide jockey. And In addition, the only why they could piss off the Zafords was blowing up their precious alcohol. Something very dear to Axton's heart.

Maya sighed, "Look if you are going to be a bitch about it, I'll do it." And she grabbed the TNT and slowly snuck up to the large vat of booze, suck the TNT to the side lit the fuse and ran like hell, (cause booze is very flammable). After the large explosion, Maya ran back and stuck the Hodunk emblem on the side of the vat tower. After quickly taking cover back in the technical, they heard an ECHO cast, it was a man with a thick Irish accent, "What's goin' on out there? Piss on me eyes! Is that a Hodunk emblem I see? Dem bastard broke the truce!" Then from the Holy Spirts bar, came Mick Zaford himself shaking his fist at the sky, "You rednecks will regret messin' with Mick Zaford!" After his little scence for no one, Mick went back into the bar.

"Hehehe," laughed a happy Ellie over the ECHO, "He sounds pissed. I bet he's already got a plan to strike back at the Hoducks, and he'll the help of someone like you three."

"Wait so we are posing as double agents?" Asked Gaige.

"If that mean workin' as a member of both clans, so you can decide who wins… then yes." Replied Gaige.

Then there came a broadcast over the entire ECHO network, from Mick Zaford: "I'm callin' all gun-hands ta help me stamp out the Hodunks! I pay in blood, booze and bullets! Come to the Holy Spirits Bar!"

"Well, let's get going!" Said Axton now excited. "You heard him, he's offering booze as payment! That is just what I need!"

"No Axton, you wait in the truck," said Maya.

"But—"

"No "buts" mister, you wait in the truck because you didn't want to be the TNT runner."

Axton then stamped his foot, and gave a childish grunt, and he turned to he back to the truck. "Don't forget to put on your seatbelt!" Said Maya calling after him.

"The thing doesn't have fucking seatbelts!"

"You're crabby, (not the Pokémon), drink your juice."

"I don't want juice!" Screamed Axton. As he continued to walk away he asked softly, "Where is it?"

"In the glove box," said Maya.

As Axton hopped in the Technical, the two remaining vault hunters turned to enter the bar. As Maya was about to open the door, she saw Gaige beaming with excitement. "This is my first time in a bar! Ever! This is going to be AWESOME!"

Maya grinned, it was hers too, but she really shared less excitement then her friend.

Gangs of Pandora:

The Zaford and Hodunk Feud

Part One: Reopening Old Wounds

-Fin-

End Notes

Well what did you guys thin about the humor? That was my biggest fear of the fanfict, that it would be off in terms of it's humor or not funny at all. Please tell me! I can handle it!

Cheers

Indogma.