Help Wanted!
A/N: This story was written for a Post-Hogwarts contest on the Third Floor Corridor (link in my profile). I hope you all enjoy this little piece as much as I enjoyed writing it…alright, at times it was a pain, but hopefully you won't think so! Please enjoy and let me know what you think of it!
During the summer after Voldemort was destroyed, the world was saved, and there was nothing left to do, Harry and his friends decided to finally get good-paying, less dangerous jobs. Early in the morning, Luna, Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione met at the Burrow and made a promise that before the day had ended, each of them would be employed to do more constructive work. Let's see how they went…
"Next!"
Luna Lovegood strolled casually into the office for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Tossing her long, blonde hair behind her shoulder, she sat down to fix her radish earrings while the two men in front of her stared at her unusual attire. On this particular day, Luna chose to wear an odd combination of a bottle-cap necklace and a garlic bracelet which she believed would bring her good luck (though she failed to notice people fall down unconsciously around her).
The first man, a thin wizard with a bald head, cleared his throat and looked down at her application which must have been written in invisible ink because there was nothing on the paper. "Erm…your name please?" the man asked uncertainly.
"Lovegood, Luna," the girl replied in a dreamy, quiet voice.
"Well, Miss Luna," the second man began.
"Oh no, my name is Luna," Luna interrupted quickly.
"Yes, we know," the first man added.
"I mean, that's my first name. Lovegood is my last name."
"Alright, Miss Lovegood-"
"Actually, I really don't mind my middle name, Anne," said Luna, looking more thoughtful and quite serious.
The second man threw his hands up in the air. "Well, then what do you want us to call you?"
"Miss Lovegood is fine," Luna answered innocently.
"This girl is loony if you ask me," the second man whispered to his coworker.
"How did you know my nickname?" Luna inquired in surprise.
"What?"
"Never mind," the first man mumbled to second man. "Let's just get this over with."
"Alright, Miss Lovegood," said the second man, "how do you feel about our policies at the Ministry about magical creatures?"
"Horrible!" Luna cried vehemently. "The native Crumple-Horned Snorkacks are diminishing at an alarming rate and the Ministry is doing nothing to help them! The Wrackspurt are horribly unregulated and eating out people's brains! If I worked in the Ministry, I would focus on refining these policies and giving house elves back their rights!"
"Wha-?" The first man took out a dictionary and looked up "snorkacks" while the second man stared at Luna as if she was insane. After not finding any of the magical creatures Luna named in the wizarding dictionary or the encyclopedia of magical creatures, the first man came to the same conclusion.
"Have you heard of S.P.E.W.?" Luna asked.
"Spew? Er, no, I haven't," the first man said, wondering where this was going to go.
Luna cleared her throat. "No, no, no, it's not spew! You could get your tongue cut out for even muttering the name in public! This is a nation-wide organization! S.P.E.W. stands for the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare. This was created by my good friend, Hermione Granger, so that house elves may be given rights and payment for work!"
"You've got to be joking! Pay for house elves?" the second man said incredulously.
"Miss Lovegood, er…have you seen our mental health facilities?"
"Why yes," Luna answered with a smile. "They are very nice and they serve wonderful cookies."
"Thank you, Miss Lovegood," said the second man. "That will be all. We will call you in a few days as soon as we come to a decision."
Luna smiled and bowed her head graciously before she left. When the door shut, the two men turned to each other and exchanged expressions. "Call St. Mungo's, Carl. We have a runaway."
Harry Potter stood outside the door to the Head of the Auror Department's office. He felt his stomach twist and churn, but he knew he would be o.k. After all, he was Harry Potter. Who wouldn't let Harry Potter, the boy who destroyed You-Know-Who and saved the entire world from eternal darkness, join the squad who failed to do what he could do, but with a lot less training? Exactly- no one.
"Mr. Harry Potter," a gruff voice called to Harry and a man appeared at the door to motion the younger boy inside his office. This was it! The man pulled out a chair for Harry to sit down comfortably across from him and offered him some tea. After Harry politely declined, fearing his stomach would collapse at any moment, the man began. "So, Mr. Potter, you want to join my team of aurors, eh?"
"Yes sir," Harry answered while trying to sit up as straight as he could.
The man took a sip of his own tea and looked at Harry squarely. "What experience do you have, boy?"
"Excuse me?" Harry responded unbelievably.
"Answer me, boy!" the man bellowed.
"Well, er- I got past Voldemort my first year at Hogwarts and rescued the sorcerer's stone. In my second year, I killed a basilisk and saved a fellow student from being killed as well as destroying Voldemort's horcrux. In my third year, I ward off fifty dementors with my patronus. I was the fourth champion in the Triwizard Tournament in my fourth year at Hogwarts and I won, even though I wasn't of age. At the end of the tournament, I dueled against Voldemort and got past him while bringing my fellow dead student back to his parents. In the Department of Mysteries, my friends and I fought off a load of Death Eaters and once again, I escaped Voldemort. Then, in my sixth year, I…well, I got past more Death Eaters. Then, in my seventh year, I destroyed Voldemort himself," Harry finished off with the last of his breath. "As you can see, I have plenty of experience fighting against dark magic and evil villains, sir."
When Harry finished, the Department Head began to laugh hysterically. "Who do you think you are, boy? Harry Potter?"
Harry looked incredulous. "Yes sir. I am Harry Potter."
"No, no, no," said the man. "Don't try to pull my leg! I'm smarter than that you know! Harry Potter is a black-haired boy with green eyes, a crazy scar, and big and powerful enough to destroy You-Know-Who! You're just a scrawny kid. Don't try to kid me, boy."
Harry felt his blood begin to boil. "But I am Harry Potter! See?" Harry pulled up his bangs to reveal the lightning-shaped scar on his forehead. "I have the scar! See my hair? Black! My eyes? Green! I AM HARRY POTTER! You can ask anyone in this building! Everyone knows who I am! Don't you read the Daily Prophet?"
"Hey, don't yell in here!" the Department Head barked. "I've had enough of you impersonating a famous boy. Get out of my office! You ought to be thankful that I don't throw you in Azkaban for using Polyjuice Potion like that poor boy! Don't you think he's had enough?"
"Yes, I have had enough! I am Harry Potter! The boy-who-lived! Those chosen one!"
"I've had up to here!" And at this point, the man put his hand to his forehead so aggressively that he nearly knocked himself out cold. He shook his head and looked at Harry again with more loathing and anger than before. "I'VE HAD UP TO HERE WITH YOUR LIES! DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT?"
"Fine!" Harry answered hotly as he stood up to leave. With a sharp glare at the man, he turned around, opened the door, and slammed it behind him.
A few seconds later, there was a knock on the door and the secretary poked her head in. "Sir? What do you say to poor Harry?"
"Oh, don't worry, Virginia," the man laughed completely composed again and even taking a sip of tea. "It was just some kid wishing he was Harry Potter."
"Sir, that was Harry Potter!" the secretary cried.
"He didn't fool you, too, did he?"
"Ronald Weasley!"
Ron felt his knees shake as he walked into the interviewing room, but as when he finally stepped through the door and looked around the room, he felt instantly relieved when he saw who was questioning him- none other than Ludo Bagman!
"Ronny!" Ludo beamed, getting up from behind the desk and striding over to Ron with his hand out. "Arthur's son, right? Helped Harry destroy Voldemort? How are you doing, pal?"
"Fine," Ron answered, shaking Ludo's hand and suddenly feeling that this interview was going to turn out well after all.
"So, Ronny, what brings you to the Department of Magical Games and Sports?" Ludo asked casually, settling back in his seat and looking at Ron curiously.
"Well, I love Quidditch, sir," Ron answered. "I've followed it all of my life. I used to play keeper for our school team. I would like to get a job here."
"Yeah?" said Ludo. "Well, how is Harry doing?"
"Uh, he's doing well," replied Ron, though wondering what this had to do with his interview.
"Really? That's good. Good boy, he is. I'm surprised he hasn't come here himself. Excellent flyer from what I remember. Out-flew that dragon like an expert! He really belongs in the professional league. He would be a real weapon!" Ludo said excitedly and looking up at the ceiling as if he was actually recalling happy memories. Mind you, it's a miracle of Ludo remembers anything.
"Man, I would love it if Harry worked here," Ludo added. "He'd probably get the job over you, too! It's a shame he isn't here. Wait, would you mind doing me a favor?"
Ron felt a pinch of annoyance in the back of his head, but answered good-naturedly, "Yeah sure."
"Do you mind asking Harry if he would come do an interview? He would be great in this department!" Ludo exclaimed.
Failing to produce a real smile, Ron plastered his face with a very fake, big smile that extended from ear to ear. "Yeah, sure. Anything you want," Ron said through gritted teeth. "I'll even get you his autograph for crying out loud!"
"Could you? Oh, that would be superb! Harry Potter's autograph!" Ludo exclaimed. "Oh, this is better than the Holyhead Harpies beating the Chudley Cannons 385 to 40!"
Steam filled the room as Ron stormed out of the office and out of sight. Ludo, who was quite oblivious to Ron's frustration, called an excited "Thank you!" at his retreating back.
"Great kid, that Ron is," Ludo smiled.
"You're name, please."
"Ginevra Molly Weasley," Ginny replied sweetly.
"And what is your chief objective to coming to Zonko's, Miss Weasley?" the interviewer asked.
Ginny straightened up and tried not to act nervous. "Well, you see, my brothers own Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes and lately, they've been very mean. So, I thought I would get back at them and give you all of their secrets."
The interviewer blinked. Twice. Then, she cleared her throat, "Young lady, do you think I'm stupid?"
"Of course not!" Ginny exclaimed. "In fact, I think Zonko's is quite brilliant! I don't want to see my favorite joke shop go to ruins!"
"Then why do you think you are fooling me with that kind of a stupid story?" the interviewer glared with the attitude of "don't mess with me."
"No, no, I'm not! I'm quite serious. You don't know Fred and George like I do! I really want to get back at them!" Ginny begged. "I can give you great ideas like- inflatable underwear! Burping jelly beans! Flaming Flamingo French Fries!
"I don't care- flaming Flamingo French Fries? What in the world?" the interviewer said curiously.
"See? I have thousands of ideas and plenty more if you hire me!" Ginny pleaded pathetically.
The interviewer's expression turned back to her stiff, cross self and she huffed. "M'dear, you are only babbling. We at Zonko's are not stupid! We have had your type in here many times and we are intent on not being ruined again! Out of my office!"
"Fine then! If you want to go bankrupt, go ahead! I won't go to your funeral!" Ginny yelled with frustration, trying to use reverse psychology on the woman. It didn't work. It was apparent that no matter what, this conversation was going nowhere.
"OUT!" the woman blew up and Ginny felt her feet fly beneath her as she tried to put as much distance between herself and that demon woman before she was murdered.
"Miss Hermione Granger…"
"Er, yes?" Hermione looked up outside of the Daily Prophet editor's office. The editor had just walked out the door with her application in hand and a smug look on his face. It wasn't a terrible look, but it sent shivers down Hermione's back. It was apparent that this man was the boss, used to being the boss, and not as stupid as he looked.
"Follow me," he motioned towards his office and closed the door.
"So," he began in a low voice that could compete with Mr. Dursley when he was cross about something. "So."
"So what?" Hermione asked.
"Don't get smart with me, girl!" the editor barked. "I know why you're here. You busted my best reporter and now the Prophet is down on sales by fifteen percent! You've come here to ruin us again!"
"I didn't ruin you!" Hermione said defensively. "I am here for a job- I want to help the Prophet! I want the world to see what it's like to have an honest reporter writing stories!"
The editor took offensive and his face turned slightly red with fury. "Are you saying that my reporters aren't honest?"
"No, I'm not, I just think that the Prophet could use someone like me," Hermione replied hopefully.
"And WHY do you think I'd even care to have someone like you work for this company?" the editor said, trying to be as calm as possible.
"I'm highly qualified for the job, sir," Hermione answered confidently. "I have good grammar skills- the best punctuation in my class!- and I am very good at spying. I did plenty of that in my fifth year at Hogwarts. See? I am very qualified for the job."
The editor's face was blistering red and he seem to finally reach the point of potential murder. "QUALIFIED?" he exploded. "THE ONLY THING YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO DO IS DIE! OUT OF MY OFFICE!"
"But, sir, you're not even giving me a chance!" Hermione replied almost in tears.
"OUT!"
Hermione stepped out into the middle of Diagon Alley from the Daily Prophet office. As her eyes met the sun, the tears that she had been holding back exploded all over her and into a puddle at her feet. How the best student at Hogwarts could be underqualified for such a job was a mystery. She was even confident that the employees outside of the office could hear what the editor had said to her, too. How humiliating!
"You ok, Hermione?" Ginny approached from across the street at Zonko's.
"Yes, of course," Hermione said, drying her tears on the back of her sleeve. "Nothing is wrong." However, even that thought caused more tears to fall from her face.
Upon seeing the tears in Hermione's eyes, Ginny embraced her best friend. "It's alright, Hermione, I didn't get the job, either," Ginny admitted. "We've got a reputation, don't we?"
Ginny spotted Harry from behind Hermione's shoulder and waved at him. Harry looked quite down in the dumps himself. "Any luck?" Ginny asked as Ron and Luna appeared coming from opposite directions.
Each shook their head. "The head of the Auror Department thinks I'm a Harry-look-alike," Harry said bitterly. "He kept telling me to stop pretending."
Ron shot Harry a small glare. "I'm sure Ludo Bagman would have accepted your autograph either way," Ron snapped.
Ginny looked at Harry in astonishment and then back at her brother. "At least they don't think you're trying to infiltrate their company!" Ginny retorted. "Zonko's must be more paranoid than Mad-Eye Moody!"
"Not as paranoid as the Daily Prophet," said Hermione angrily. "At least none of you are qualified to die because of Rita Skeeter."
Ron pat Hermione's back along with Luna who was smiling happily in the sun. No one had seemed to notice that Luna hadn't said anything which was unusual for her if that was possible. Hermione seemed to pick up on the fact and turned to Luna. "How did your interview go?" she asked her friend.
"Oh, wonderfully!" Luna smiled. "It went very well. The interviewers knew so much about me- I am flattered! I should be getting another phone call soon."
Ginny and Hermione exchanged surprised glances and the latter turned to Ron. "How is it possible that of all people, Luna is the one to get a job, but we can't?" Hermione whispered.
Ron shook his head and the five of them left Diagon Alley feeling a little more down than when they had that morning. That is, except Luna. She was still expecting that phone call to come in those next few days…
"Miss Lovegood!" a stern voice called out to the young blonde. "Stand away from the phone!"
Luna looked sadly at the other woman. "I'm expecting a phone call! The Ministry of Magic is supposed to call me! Why haven't they called me yet? It's been a week!"
"Step away from the phone!" the stern woman held out her wand threateningly at Luna. "We don't want anymore funny business!"
"NEVER!" Luna screamed, holding the phone ominously along with cookies which she threatened to put the two together to make a slingshot. "I love cookies and I know how to use them, too!"
The St. Mungo's nurse put the wand to her lips and whispered, "Charlie, we're going to need back up."
"Hold on, Helga," the wizard called back, "I'm reading the Daily Prophet. It looks like Zonko's has come out with a new product to rival the Weasley's! Flaming Flamingo French Fries! They're supposed to turn the eater into a flamingo on fire when they try them! Imagine that!"
"CHARLIE!"
The End.
I hope you all enjoyed it!